To say today was a clusterfuck would be an understatement.
Just when I thought it was finally coming to an end, it turns out, not really. Not even a little.
Not even close.
Sasha shivers against me as her arms wrap tightly around my waist and her nails dig into my back.
She sniffles, the soft sound highlighted by the silence in the bathroom. I lay my palm on the middle of her back, making her sniffle louder. The sound is like a constant shrill ripping at my eardrums.
Her naked body feels so small in my arms, so weak and defenseless. The contrast against my fully clothed one doesn’t escape me and I have to remind myself that she’s distressed and I can’t attempt anything my cock is currently suggesting.
“I thought something had happened to you,” she murmurs between sniffles. “When I woke up in that basement, I thought I’d failed you. That I didn’t keep my word, and they kidnapped me and then killed you. It made me go crazy.”
“Do you have such little faith in me?” I say in a lighter tone, trying to salvage the mood.
“No, but…but I made a promise to protect you for life, and at the first test, I didn’t keep it.”
“You did everything you could.”
“Did I, though?” She lifts her head to stare at me with her watery eyes that mirror the color of the earth.
“Why ask that question when you know the answer?”
“Just tell me.”
I lift a brow. “Do you want my validation, Sasha?”
She nods once, and it takes everything in me not to take advantage of this moment for nefarious ends. Such as devouring her on the spot or something inappropriately similar.
“You did do your best. In fact, you went above and fucking beyond.”
“Then…why are you mad at me?”
“What makes you think I am?”
“You glared at me earlier when we left the Albanians’ nest.”
“I could’ve done that because you were unnecessarily conversing with Rai.”
“If it was only that, you wouldn’t have been distant and cold since then.”
“I’m always distant and cold.”
“You’re not right now.” The little shit smiles a little as if she said something to be proud of. “Point is, there’s something else to it.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I just know it. Besides, you’re clearly evading the question right now.”
“Maybe I’m just trying to understand the situation better.”
“Ugh, there’s obviously more to it. You just won’t reveal it unless it’s on your terms.”
My lips twitch despite having the urge to snap her neck not too long ago. I never thought there would be a day when someone would have a deep understanding of the way I operate. My men, especially Viktor, have a basic understanding and know when to back off if they sense something isn’t adding up.
Sasha is the only one who’s always closely studying me for tells. Sometimes, she comes up empty, no matter how observant she is, but other times, like now, she hits the nail on the fucking head.
I should be angry that she even has this much of a read on me, but I’m strangely not.
Far from it.
“If you know that…” I slide my fingers up her back, enjoying the tremors that break out on her skin and the slight parting of her lips. “Why are you still asking?”
“I won’t understand if you don’t tell me. Is it something I’ve done?”
“What do you think?”
“I think it is. I just don’t know what I’ve done. No matter how many times I replay the events in my head, I come up empty. Besides, you said I did everything I could, so I’m lost here.”
“I said. You went fucking beyond.”
Her eyes widen, and I can see the exact moment she seems to understand the entire situation. “Oh.”
Fucking oh.
My hand slides from her back and I wrap it around her throat, feeling her frantic pulse point beneath my fingers. “What did I say about being a martyr, Sasha?”
“I wasn’t…I was there with Viktor and Vladislav…”
“What the fuck did I say?”
“That I shouldn’t be one, but I wasn’t. I was just doing my duty of being your bodyguard.”
“Fuck that nonsense. If you were so serious about such duties, you would’ve listened when I ordered you to stay by my fucking side.”
“But I had to cover you!”
“Viktor did that.”
“How is Viktor different from me? He can throw away his life, and I can’t? We share the same position, so I shouldn’t be scrutinized for performing the same actions he does. You’re being unreasonable right now.”
“I’m unreasonable? What about being kidnapped, assaulted, and nearly raped after having your true gender revealed in front of Rai? Is that perfectly reasonable?”
“How…did you know she figured it out?”
“I suspected it when you were talking and disgustingly smiling at each other, but I confirmed it just now when you mentioned she helped you. I’m going to take a wild guess and say she witnessed you being stripped down.”
She swallows. “She called me Aleksander afterward. I think she’ll keep the secret.”
“If you believe Rai won’t use this information against us, you’re sorely fucking mistaken.”
She shakes her head, and the sad part is that she seems to actually have faith in Rai. Maybe I should plot her assassination anyway. She has a lot of elements to threaten me with, and while that’s a disadvantage to me, it’s a ticking bomb to her life.
If I fall, I’m handcuffing her with me on the way down.
I’ll start with the secret she’s been trying to hide from the organization.
I might have to take drastic measures for this. All because fucking Sasha decided that she would be at the front line of the action and get herself kidnapped.
“We helped each other down there,” she argues. “She’s not as bad as we originally thought—”
“She wants to get to the top at any cost, and if that means exposing both of us, she’ll do it. Whether now or down the line doesn’t matter.”
“But—”
“Shh.” I place a finger on her mouth, and her lips quiver against it. “Unless it’s to promise to never, and I mean never, be a martyr again, don’t speak.”
A moment of silence stretches between us, and I find myself studying her face. The color has returned to her cheeks despite the dried tears staining her face. Short of the bandage wrapped around her arm. She’s fine—physically, at least.
When she whispered that she was sorry during that attack, I thought that was the last time I would see her. I didn’t think about it as I ran in the middle of that rain of bullets just to get to her.
Due to my upbringing, I always had a plan A, B, C, and sometimes D before I took any action. Running toward Sasha was the first time I’ve acted without a plan.
And that’s fucking disturbing, to say the least. I could’ve gotten both of us killed without meaning to.
Sasha slowly removes my finger from her mouth. “I can’t promise that, because our definitions of a martyr are different. If I have to protect you, I won’t hesitate, even if you try to stop me.”
“Sasha—”
“You can’t change that. I’m afraid it’s final.”
This little fucking shit.
She holds my hand in both of hers. “In return, I promise to be more careful. I can’t exactly protect you if I’m dead. We’ll agree to disagree on the execution method.”
“No, we won’t. As I’m your boss, you’re under obligation to follow my orders.”
“That’s not how it works.”
“That’s exactly how it works. Have you seen any of my other men challenging my orders?”
“No, but they’re fake bodyguards sometimes. I can’t believe they don’t intervene whenever Yulia starts being a bitch and tries to slap you.”
“That’s because I ordered them not to. And did you just call my mother a bitch?”
“Well, she is.” She winces. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that in front of you. That was completely out of line.”
She sounds sincerely apologetic, and I can’t help the smile that lifts the corners of my lips.
Sasha taps my chest. “See? You also think of her as a bitch.”
“No, I don’t. That woman is everything nefarious and soulless. Calling her a bitch is putting it lightly.”
She inches closer so that her body warmth mixes with mine. “Have you…always had this strained relationship with her?”
“She’s hated me since the beginning. When I was an infant, she refused to take care of me and attempted to kill me a few times. The only reason she didn’t succeed is because she didn’t get the chance. My father shadowed her as if knowing her exact intentions. And I think he did. When he was mad at me once, he told me I should be thankful to him for keeping me alive. Apparently, he locked her away and tied her up during most of her pregnancy with me after she threw herself down the stairs and attempted to stab her belly—and me, in retrospect. After her continued efforts to kill me, even post-birth, my father entrusted me to a nanny and three bodyguards who were ordered not to allow Yulia and her murderous shit near me.”
She shivers, and fresh tears gather in her eyes. Why would she cry for me when I never cried for myself?
“No one should be treated like that by their mother. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I accepted the fact that she has some sort of vendetta against me.”
“Do you know what it is?”
“Don’t know, don’t care.”
“I’m sorry,” she repeats. “I won’t pretend I know how you felt growing up without the affection of the woman who was supposed to love you unconditionally.”
“Does that mean you had an affectionate mother?”
She hesitates for a beat, then nods. “She was so kind and pure and always busy.”
“Now I know where you get that trait from.”
“I’m not always busy.”
“You definitely are. You’re also a nosy busybody who doesn’t follow orders.”
“I don’t respect irrational authority, okay? It’s what Mama taught me. She had time to tutor me and check on my educational progress while also taking care of the house. I swear she did more in a day than I do in a month. Despite having helpers, she couldn’t stay still.” A nostalgic smile covers her lips. “I used to drive her crazy with my antics. I would return to the main house with a dirty dress, hair, and shoes because I was playing football with my cousins, and she’d be like, ‘Malyshka! What did I say about dirtying your clothes? At this rate, you’ll never be a lady!’ If only she knew how right that statement was.”
Interesting. For many reasons.
One, she chose to talk about a part of her life I’m unfamiliar with without much pushing from me.
Two, not only was she a rich young lady, but apparently, she lived in a big family mansion, because she referred to her home as the main house and they had helpers.
Three, her mother is dead, because she talked about her in the past tense.
Actually, she’s never mentioned any family members until now. Are they in Russia? Why does she never call or visit?
“If you hate being a man, why don’t you return to being a woman?” I ask.
She blinks. “And stay as your guard?”
“That probably won’t be possible, but I will find you another position.”
My woman, for instance.
I pause. What the fuck was that thought all about? Did I just think of Sasha as my woman? Yes. Yes, I fucking did.
Despite all the question marks buried around her like a deadly minefield.
“I can’t,” she lets out with a small sigh. “It’s dangerous to be my original gender because…well, I’d be a target.”
“To whom?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t even know anymore.”
So that’s the extent of what she’ll reveal.
For now.
One day, I’ll know everything there is to know about her.
I slowly remove my hand from hers and stand up. “If you’re better, go take a shower.”
She’s caught off guard and seems to only now realize that she’s actually entirely naked. Her face turns a deep shade of crimson as she uses the wall to stand up.
“Do you need help?” I ask.
“What? No, no, why would I?”
She remains there, probably waiting for me to leave, and only after I make sure it’s out of embarrassment and not actual weakness, I exit the bathroom.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is on the list of the top five hardest things I’ve ever had to do, right below not fucking her a week ago when she was splayed out naked on my bed.
There’s nothing I’d love more than to help her shower, but that would mean touching her. It would mean being intoxicated by her nearness, smell, and presence, which seems to overshadow the whole fucking world.
And if I did that, I’d succumb and fuck her without a second thought.
I’d take out all of today’s complex emotions, frustrations, and failures on her body, and I can’t do that when she’s traumatized about nearly being assaulted.
So I choose to deal with that part instead.
I text Viktor to wait for me downstairs with Yuri and Maksim, then I change into a fresh suit. After making sure Sasha is actually showering, I step out of the room and softly close the door behind me.
I find my best three men in front of the house.
“What’s up, Boss?” Maksim asks, yawning. “I thought we were all praying for this day to be over.”
Viktor hits him upside the head without even looking at him.
Maksim clutches the spot and shouts, “What the fuck was that for?”
“Your insolence.”
“I’m just voicing what everyone is thinking. The fuck?”
“We’ll only be done after we burn down all the Albanians’ nests.”
Yuri’s lips lift in an uncharacteristic smirk. “Are we going after their other branch?”
“Yes, we are.”
Viktor’s brow creases. “The Pakhan told us to take care of them in our own time.”
“Tonight is as good a time as any.” I head toward the car, and Viktor makes way for me. I stop in front of him and grab his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have punched you earlier.”
“I’ve forgotten about that.”
“I haven’t.” I meet his dispassionate eyes that mirror mine sometimes. Viktor is more unfeeling than I am and uses the loyalty he has only for me as his driving force and occasionally allows it to influence his entire personality.
He was brought up by a single father, who worked as Roman’s head of security and died during a mission when Viktor was around twelve. He had no other family, and since he was always a grumpy asshole who’s a fan of pointing out other people’s shortcomings, no one liked him.
I was the only one who sat beside him during meals and practiced martial arts with him. I did it because I liked his silent company and pragmatic personality. As time passed, he became my shadow and grew to be my most loyal man.
I squeeze his shoulder. “But I’m warning you, Viktor. Don’t get in my fucking way again.”
His expression doesn’t change, as he says in his robotic voice, “I won’t. Unless it comes to your safety.”
He sounded exactly like Sasha just now. What the fuck are they? Telepathic or something?
“I’ve gotta say.” Maksim opens the passenger door. “I love the idea of getting rid of them once and for all. I can sacrifice sleep for this.”
Yuri pushes him and covers his mouth with his palm.
Yes, the day should be fucking over already, but not until every last one of Sasha’s assailants has paid the price.
I might not have been there to stop it from happening, but I’ll take care of the aftermath.
I will annihilate each and every person who attempts to harm Sasha.
She might be peculiar, and I still don’t know much about her past, but she’s mine.
And no one touches what’s fucking mine.
