This night is going worse than I predicted.
Yes, I knew Sasha wouldn’t like the news of my engagement, but I didn’t think she’d cry in public.
If Rai hadn’t dragged her away, I have no fucking clue what she would’ve done.
Would she have done anything? Or would she have stood there crying and then I would’ve been the one who drew unwanted attention?
I’m overthinking at this point with no concrete plan or course of action.
Fucking liar.
I welcomed the deal both Igor and the Pakhan offered me a few days ago.
If it were just Igor wanting me to marry his daughter for some sort of families’ union, I would’ve comfortably said no.
I’m not Adrian. Where he was previously engaged to Kristina for the mere purpose of an alliance with the secretly most powerful family in the brotherhood, I’m doing it for higher purposes.
That’s why I only accepted this deal once the Pakhan gave me an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Kristina gives me a reserved smile as we stand side by side to accept everyone’s congratulations. She’s a woman made for this role. She has no character, no opinion, and no purpose other than being her father’s trump card.
She’s as beautiful…as a lifeless doll. Expressionless in private and an actress in public.
Yulia and Stella, Igor’s wife, are on either side of us. Now, this whole thing is a pain in the ass, except for one part. The look on Yulia’s face when she realized that I’m playing the long game and that whatever she has planned will fail miserably once I’m in my future position.
She does have to put on a show in front of the world, though, so as not to embarrass herself.
I’m going to make this woman watch every moment as I stomp on each and every one of her grandiose dreams. I’ll crush her hopes and plans, so she’ll really wish she’d killed me when I didn’t have the strength to fight back.
Konstantin, however, fucked off to God knows where as soon as the engagement was announced. If I wasn’t imagining things, I’d think Kristina stiffened, too, but she didn’t look at anyone but me and her father tonight.
My eyes keep filtering back to where Sasha disappeared with Rai earlier. A few minutes later, the Pakhan’s grandniece came back alone.
I pull out my phone and type a text.
Kirill: Where’s Lipovsky?
Viktor meets my gaze from the other end of the room before his reply comes.
Viktor: Seriously? You think I have the time or energy to focus on that little fuck?
I’m going to fucking kill Viktor. For a very irrational reason. Of course, he’s in no frame of mind to focus on her when his top priority is to ensure my safety, but that doesn’t seem as important right now.
Kirill: Find him. It’s urgent.
He goes erect at that and nods before he disappears from sight. I track his movements and discreetly take inventory of the crowd. There’s no sign of her.
Did she leave?
Adrian stops before me, a hand secured around his wife’s lower back. She stares at Kristina, pauses, then forces a smile. “Congratulations.”
My fiancée, who I’m starting to suspect is a robot, smiles as she’s done with everyone. “Thank you.”
This woman doesn’t even care that Lia actually took her previous fiancé. Not only that, but she also accepts Adrian’s half-assed congratulations with another smile.
Lia tells Adrian she’s going to the ladies’ room and the crazy asshole actually motions at one of his guards to follow. His wife merely shakes her head and teasingly hits his arm before she disappears.
Adrian follows her with his darkening gaze long after she’s no longer in sight. I’ve always found it amusing how an unfeeling man like him has this level of affinity for another human being.
You say that as if you’re not in the same boat, motherfucker.
Adrian grabs me by the shoulder. “I’m going to borrow Kirill for a minute.”
He doesn’t wait for anyone’s reply as he pushes me onto a quiet balcony. The cold penetrates my suit, and my jaw tightens but for an entirely different reason than the change of temperature.
I barely have access to the hall and, therefore, can’t see if Sasha has returned.
“Make it quick,” I say absentmindedly. “Besides, why are you acting so friendly all of a sudden? Didn’t you pierce my little black heart by telling me not to get in touch unless absolutely necessary?”
“Do you have any fucking idea what you’re doing?” His body is tense but only for a moment before he releases a breath. “You’re playing with fucking fire.”
“My, Adrian. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re worried about me.”
“Focus.” He drives his fist against my shoulder, knocking me back a step. “This is dangerous.”
“And how do you know what this is?”
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’ve always been after the highest position. I suspect that Igor promised to get you there and Sergei agreed to renounce to you when his health condition worsens.”
“The cat’s out of the bag, huh?”
“This might backfire any moment if you don’t commit to your side of the deal.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” I grab his shoulder and squeeze. “Now, real talk. When it’s time for the elections, you’ll vote for me, right? You know no one can drive this organization better than me.”
“That’s all you care about?”
“What else is there? Unless…you’re thinking of running yourself?”
“Unlike you, fucking idiot, I have a family I need to protect, and to do that, I won’t put myself in the limelight. I prefer to work in the shadows.”
“And you’ll keep doing that. In fact, when I become Pakhan, you’ll be my favorite.”
“You really don’t see the danger you’ll be exposed to when you’re at the top, do you?”
“The benefits outweigh the danger.” I grin. “No one will be able to touch me once I’m there.”
“I have one piece of advice for you, Kirill. Walk the fuck away before it’s too late.”
“There’s no going back now.”
“Right. Igor will kill you if his daughter is stranded again.”
“No thanks to you. Don’t you regret not taking this chance while you could? If you’d married Kristina, Igor would’ve made it his mission to get you to the top.”
“There are a lot of regrets in my life, but marrying Lia was never one of them.” He pushes me with his shoulder on his way out. “Enjoy the craziness.”
He calls it craziness, I call it power.
And I’ll soon have it all at my disposal.
My phone vibrates.
Viktor: Lipovsky is not on the property. One of the other guards told me he saw him leave.
Fuck.
My hand tightens around the phone, and I take a few calming breaths. I’m barely stopping myself from ditching the party that’s being thrown in my honor and going to search for her.
Kirill: Find him, Viktor. I don’t care about the method.
I swear to fuck, if she does something stupid…
My thought trails off when Rai intercepts my path and tries to push me back onto the balcony. I consider tripping her, but since I’m not in the mood to kill the infant in her belly, I follow the motion and thrust myself back into the cold.
“What the fuck is this? Corner Kirill Day?” I let my lips pull in a smirk. “Are you perhaps mad that I’m getting more power, Rai?”
“Oh, fuck you and your egomania,” she spits out. “How could you do that to Sasha?”
My humor disappears. “Do what?”
“She was a mess, Kirill! Didn’t you see her crying, or are you so far up your own ass that you didn’t notice the suffering you caused her? You’re a damn monster!”
I want to snap Rai’s neck, but then again, that would ruin the evening and my deal with her damn granduncle. So I inhale calming breaths. “What did she tell you?”
“She didn’t tell me anything, but I could see the heartbreak in her eyes. If you’d shot her in the chest, she wouldn’t have looked like that.”
My jaw tightens. “Do you know where she went?”
“No, and even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you. I said it before, and I will say it again. You’re a cunning fox and an unfeeling monster who doesn’t, under any circumstances, deserve someone as pure as Sasha. The only decent thing you can do in this situation is to let her go.”
Not in this lifetime.
I leave Rai outside and return to the party, ignoring her curses. She’s obnoxious on most days, but she’s especially irritating today.
My expression is welcoming as I step back into the engagement parade.
Anyone who’s watching from the outside would think I’m ecstatic about this. We even take pictures for the press and everything in between.
Deep down, however, it’s a raging volcano, and it’s all because of one damn girl.
By the time the evening is over, I’m ready to turn the earth upside down to find her because Viktor and even Yuri and Maksim couldn’t locate the little shit.
Before I do that, however, I have to take part in a private meeting with both Igor and Sergei and an extremely displeased Vladimir.
From what I know, he doesn’t want the position either, but at the same time, he doesn’t want me to have it.
But since he agrees with the Pakhan on almost anything, I don’t imagine he’ll give me any trouble. If he does, I’ll deal with it accordingly.
After we’re done, I leave and take a rain check on a drink Igor invites me to.
Since Viktor confirmed Sasha isn’t on the premises, we go immediately to the house.
Apparently, she’s not with Karina as I expected her to be.
Where else could she have gone? Sasha’s world has always revolved around the mansion and my protection. She has no friends, relationships, or places she can turn to outside the house.
Naturally, her phone is turned off, so I can’t track her through that.
Fucking fuck.
My men spend a whole hour flipping the mansion and the guards’ quarters upside down, but they find no trace of her.
Viktor calls off the search after they do it twice because, according to his words, “It’s a wasted effort.”
I’m really in the mood to waste his life now.
But he’s right. If I keep insisting on overworking my men, this might backfire and not necessarily against me. They might take this out on her when she comes back.
And she will come back.
I step into my room for a change of clothes. I’ll take a run around the mansion’s premises just in case they missed a spot.
That fucking irritating woman better be safe, or I swear to fucking fuck—
My thoughts halt when I walk into my closet. The automatic lights go on, and the stench of alcohol hits me in the face.
Sasha sits on the floor, her jacket thrown to the side and a bottle of vodka nestled between her hands.
Tears streak down her cheeks, and her eyes are too brown, too lost, as if they murdered all the green and are currently mourning it.
Relief washes over me. Here I thought she was doing something stupid somewhere I couldn’t find her, but she’s been in here.
In hindsight, I should’ve checked my room, but I didn’t think she’d be here, of all places.
I stand in front of her, and she slowly looks up at me with wrenched eyes.
“You done dropping your fiancée off at home?” A slur interlinks with her words.
Sasha never, and I mean never gets drunk. Not even during her off days. When everyone else gets hammered, she’s more concerned about driving back here safely or making sure none of them commits a mistake they’ll regret.
So to see her like this is…strange, to say the least.
She always called me an emotionless vault, but she’s closed off herself. Even though she’s warm and friendly with the guards, she has this reserved quality that’s fairly hard to read.
“I didn’t.” I speak as calmly as I can muster. “As a matter of fact, she went back with her family.”
She laughs, the sound loud and unhinged before it ends in a hiccup, and she chokes on a tear. “You’re not even going to offer any excuses?”
“There are no excuses to offer.” I crouch in front of her. “Kristina is nothing but a business transaction. She’s only a step I’m using to reach the top, and she knows it.”
“And…you think that’s okay? You think that makes it any better?”
“Don’t be irrational, Sasha. You know that my goal has always been the sky, and this is a perfect method to accomplish that.”
“Irrational…yeah. I guess I am, right? I’m irrational for thinking about you with her, for seeing you holding her hand in public and putting a ring on her finger. You’re going to marry her, too. You will also have to put a baby in her to make sure this thing works out, no? It’ll be like a fairy tale.”
“Sasha—”
“I’ll never have that with you,” she cuts me off in a voice so pained, so broken, I want to kick myself in the balls. “I can’t be your woman in front of everyone.”
“That’s not a choice I made. You did.”
“I know…I know…I made myself into a man, and I have to live with the consequences. I have to…stay like this.” She sniffles and takes another sip from the bottle. “But if I…if I become a woman again, would you end it with her?”
I slowly close my eyes, and when I open them, she’s looking at me with so much expectation, the fact that I have to turn them black sickens me. “I can’t do that. You’ll be killed by the Pakhan and Igor.”
A sob rips out of her throat, and she hits my chest with the bottle of vodka, sending splashes all over my shirt and jacket. “And you don’t think you’re killing me right now?”
“It’s temporary. Once I become the one who rules everyone, you can be a woman all you want. No one will dare defy me.”
“And what am I supposed to do until then? Be your guard while you court Kristina? Watch you marry her? Kiss her? Bring her here? I can’t do that, Kirill!” She sobs. “I just can’t!”
My jaw tightens. “If you prefer to stay with Karina for a while, I will allow it.”
“No! I’m still in your space that way. I will still hear about you and your future wife, and I can’t…I can’t…”
“What do you suggest then?”
Her lips tremble. “End it with her. Choose me.”
“I told you I can’t do that.”
Fresh tears stream down her cheeks, and she lets her hand that’s holding the bottle fall to her side. “Then let me go.”
My hand flexes, about to turn into a fist and choke the fucking shit out of her. “No.”
“You can’t have us both!” She punches me in the chest. “I won’t be your damn mistress!”
“You’ll be whatever the fuck I want you to be, Sasha.” I grab her by the throat. “You owe me, remember? You also told me you love me and wouldn’t leave me only a few hours ago. Do you remember that or did you already forget about your promise at the first test?”
“I didn’t think you’d have another woman, or I would’ve never said that!” She pushes at my chest. “Please let me go. You’ll have your wife, duties, and stupid power, and I’ll have my own path. Do it for both of us.”
“No. You already pledged your life to me.”
“I want out, Kirill. If you…make me watch you with her, I’ll run away, and you’ll never find me.”
“Who are you running to, hmm?” I squeeze my fingers tighter around her throat. “Your lover in Russia? Are you using this chance to reunite with him?”
“What if I am? What if I fucking am!” She pushes me so hard, she actually manages to make me loosen my grip, then she frees herself and knocks me on my back.
I let her straddle me, tears clinging to her eyes, but her expression is that of a warrior. “You have a damn fiancée, so you have no fucking right to talk to me about a lover or a hundred of them. Fuck you, Kirill! Fuck you! Fuck you!”
Her tears drip onto my cheek, my nose, and I taste them on my lips.
My fingers bunch in her shirt. “You’ll never leave me, Sasha. Never.”
And then I tug her down and slam her mouth against mine. She tries to resist, but I flip us over so that I’m on top and she’s beneath me.
I kiss her, and she kisses me back, but she soon bites my lower lip, then wrestles me so that she’s on top again. A metallic taste explodes in my mouth, and I’m not sure if it’s her blood or mine.
Turns out, it’s both of ours. When she pushes back, her lips are bloodied, her eyes full of tears, and her face is a map of destruction.
“You’ll never keep me, asshole. You made your choice, and I’m making mine.” She grabs me by the shirt and then punches me in the face. “Fuck you!”
And then she pushes off me and runs to the entrance.
My lips pull in a smirk. Does she think she can leave me?
She must’ve underestimated what I really meant by never.
There will never be a day when Sasha is no longer mine.
