Am I doing the right thing?
Honestly, I don’t know. What I do know, however, is that I refuse to move from here unless Kirill stops this madness and at least hears me out.
And not talk at me, but actually talk to me.
I know it’s an impossible thing to ask for since he thinks I betrayed him, but I also won’t be exiled to the other end of the house indefinitely.
Maybe he’ll never be satisfied, and I’ll grow old and gray in that boring weapon vault.
It’s better to put an end to it now. Whether I win or lose, at least I’ll have proper closure.
Three days have passed since he told me to either return to my post or remain here and starve to death. I foolishly chose the latter because, as I mentioned earlier, I won’t be forced back into exile.
Despite the determination that flooded me at the beginning of this mission, I’m finding it hard to keep up with my body’s deteriorating state. I’m sitting with my back against the pillar near the mansion’s entrance, where everyone who goes in or out can see me.
I must look pathetic, begging for a chance from a boss who won’t even listen to me.
The thought of facing Kirill draws goosebumps over my skin. But I would rather experience this surreal discomfort than know I’ll probably never see him again.
As time passes, he’ll completely erase me from his life and continue living as if I never existed.
The mere thought of that possibility makes me shiver with dread. I have this irrational fear that he’ll never appreciate or respect me as much as I do him.
That, in the great scheme of things, I’m nothing but a convenient pit stop on his path that he was always meant to leave.
And that scares the shit out of me.
As per Kirill’s order, no one has offered me food, except for Maksim and Yuri, who tried to slip me some protein bars. Karina brought me a feast, too, and told me to ignore her ‘stupid’ brother.
I shook my head and refused to eat anything. If I’m meant to starve for my cause, then I’ll do it. I definitely won’t cheat the system just because I can.
I hadn’t had anything to drink until Viktor himself threw a large bottle of water next to me two days ago and again last night. “Don’t even think about dying while we’re still investigating what happened in Russia.”
I wanted to refuse that, too, but there’s only so much I can do without actually dying.
So I drank the water and kept the bottle beside me. If Kirill objected to that, he didn’t show it or threaten to throw me off the property.
He comes out every morning for his walk with Karina and doesn’t look in my direction. It’s as if I’m invisible. His sister, however, comes to check on me, and asks me to end this already and return to the weapon vault until he calms down then attempts to persuade him to give me my post back. Not only does he not reply, but he also continues to ignore my existence.
No matter how much I try not to be affected by his cold behavior, knowing that he can erase me so easily hurts more than I’m willing to admit.
A shadow hovers over me, and when I look up, I find Anna standing there with a tray of food. She pushes it in my direction while still wearing the same stern expression she always has for me. “You need to eat before you pass out.”
My spine straightens. “Did…Boss ask you to bring me this?”
“No. I just don’t like seeing people starving to death.”
Oh.
My shoulders hunch.
I thought that since Anna only follows Kirill’s orders, the fact that she brought me food had to be because he told her to.
The small hope that blossomed in my chest turns to ashes in a fraction of a second.
I shake my head. “I’m not eating. Besides, didn’t you hear what Boss ordered? No one is allowed to give me food.”
“Listen, young man. I don’t care what he says. No starvation will happen under my watch.”
I vehemently shake my head again. If Kirill is stubborn, then I’m ten times worse.
“If you don’t pick up the spoon and eat, so help me God, I will force you,” she threatens. “You’re too starved to stop me.”
“I can still fight you, Anna.” I sigh, finding it hard to even speak due to sheer lack of energy. “Seriously, I’m thankful for the effort, but I refuse to eat or move unless I can go back to my previous post.”
Anna is about to say something, probably to scold me, but stops herself when Konstantin strolls out of the house. He approaches us, and Anna places the tray by my side, nods, and leaves.
Kirill’s brother stares down at me with eyes way warmer than his brother’s, probably because they’re not as hauntingly icy. Besides, ever since he was kidnapped and tortured, I’ve started to see him through new eyes.
He’s actually more classically handsome than Kirill. Sharp jawline and cheekbones, sandy blond hair, and a more clean-cut aura. Where Kirill has a nefarious edge, Konstantin has a protector feel. Which is weird since when I first met him, I thought he was a cliché of an evil brother who only cared about power. It was only over the last few months that I learned he has a completely different personality when Kirill is around—antagonistic, foolish, and repellent. Almost as if he was doing it on purpose.
“This whole thing is beyond idiotic,” he informs me matter-of-factly. “If you think he’ll change his mind just because you’re doing this, you don’t know Kirill.”
“I refuse to be buried in the weapon vault for the rest of my life, so if this is what I have to do to be able to escape that place, I don’t mind.”
He crouches and tilts his head to meet my gaze. “You could always become my senior guard. That would piss off Kirill more than this futile plan.”
I thought about that the last time he asked me this, and he’s right. Considering how mad Kirill was when I helped Konstantin all those months ago, this tactic might get his attention, but it could also backfire. Besides, I’m trying to prove that I’m loyal to him, and I can’t do that if I go to the brother he considers an enemy.
“I can’t do that. I’m Kirill’s guard.”
“You’re awfully loyal to someone who doesn’t give a fuck about you.” Konstantin rises to his full height. “Take it from me, Sasha. That man only cares about himself. No one else matters.”
I shake my head but don’t say anything. I’ve gotten to a stage where I need to preserve my energy.
“My offer still stands,” he says, then climbs into the car that’s waiting for him. I’m guessing Yulia will join him and probably glare at me as if I’m a pest.
I wait for a few moments, but the car leaves without her.
It’s rare for Konstantin to go to any meetings without his mother glued to his side. Could there be something more to this? Are they colluding against Kirill again?
Not that they’ve ever stopped, but they really couldn’t do him any damage when his aunts and uncles—on Yulia’s side of the family—actually prefer doing business with Kirill rather than Konstantin. Yulia has been fighting it tooth and nail, but it’s safe to say that she’s losing.
It may be weird that I’m thinking about Kirill’s well-being when he’s indirectly starving me, but I really meant it about being loyal to him.
Because that’s the only way I’ll get to be by his side. If I’m not here…where would I go?
I can’t go back to my family. And I don’t want to. Not when Kirill thinks I betrayed him and they might try to get me to kill him the next time I see him.
Besides, I need to prove that he had nothing to do with my family’s massacre. He’s just not that type of person.
Before he woke up, I got the chance to snoop in the office after they temporarily paused the security. I even managed to check the safe, but there were no files that Roman may have left about my family.
The only thing I found were a few contracts, valuables, and paperwork about some shady deals that he kept as evidence against the people involved—mostly politicians and celebrities.
The scent of food, soup, fish, and some type of salad fills my nostrils, and my stomach growls the loudest I’ve ever heard it. I grab the plate Anna brought me and it takes everything in me to push it away instead of bringing it closer.
A droplet falls on the top of my head, then another follows, and I’m soaked within a few seconds as rain pours down.
Usually, I’d try to take shelter, but that’d mean hiding and not proving how resilient I am about this.
It’s been a long time since I’ve felt the rain. So…long.
I stand on wobbly feet, and a wave of dizziness nearly knocks me back down.
The world starts to blur, but I still stand with my feet shoulder-width apart with my hands on either side of me, then stare up at the angry rain.
I close my eyes and get lost in the moment, not caring that my clothes are sticking to my skin or that I can barely remain upright. I spent so much time the last few years running, living for duty, and trying to work on myself that I missed these small moments of feeling and enjoying the simple moments.
The last thing I was able to feel properly was that kiss in Kirill’s car before everything went bust.
I’ve spent a long time wanting to return to that moment, but the bitter reality is that there’s just no going back once things are done. All I have is the aftermath, his silent treatment, and the scary feeling that no matter what I do, I’ve already lost him.
My legs give out on me and I stumble, then fall. I’m ready for the impact, but instead of hitting the ground, I land on something warmer and safer. Through the slits in my eyes, I think I catch a glimpse of Kirill’s masculine face. Even though he’s glaring down at me, I can’t help the smile that lifts my lips.
He came for me.
That’s the last thought I have before darkness takes me under.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
I slowly open my eyes due to the continuous sound near my head. For a moment, I think I’m in a nightmare, but then a very familiar room comes into focus.
The same room I was kicked out of not too long ago.
I stumble to get out of bed but pause when a tube pulls at my wrist. The reason for the dripping is an IV stuck in the back of my hand. I start to inspect it, but a deep, authoritative voice stops me in my tracks.
“Don’t move until it’s finished.”
Slowly, almost as if I’m scared, I lift my eyes to where Kirill is.
Earlier, when he caught me in the rain, I thought maybe I was dreaming. Kirill wouldn’t go that far for someone he considers untrustworthy. But I was right, after all. He was there and chose to help me.
He’s sitting on the sofa opposite the bed, legs spread wide, one hand holding the back of the sofa and a tablet in his other. The intense color of his eyes isn’t dimmed by the glasses. In fact, they appear more sinister now.
“I…uh…thank you,” I stutter like an idiot.
He tilts the tablet to the side so that his complete attention is on me. “For what?”
“Saving me earlier.”
“I didn’t save you.”
“But you prevented me from falling.”
“Only so you didn’t crack your head on my doorstep.”
Ouch.
Okay.
My teeth sink into my lower lip, stopping me from blurting out something that will definitely not play in my favor. He’s probably being mean on purpose, and if I rise to his provocations, that’s no different from letting him into my head.
“Why did you bring me to your room then?”
“You needed to get nutrients in you.”
“You could’ve had the doctor do that in the clinic or the annex. Why your room, Kirill?”
“Because it’s closer. And it’s Boss, not Kirill.”
My hands fist on my lap as I try but fail to breathe properly. Every inhale is filled with his scent—cedar, woods, and passionate animalistic memories from on this very bed.
That’s the wrong thought to have. Wrong thought—
“What are you playing at now?” His question drags me back to the present.
“I’m not playing at anything. I told you I won’t stop until you give me my old post back.”
“Are you threatening me with your life, Lipovsky? Does it hold so little meaning for you?”
“It’s not that it holds so little meaning, and it’s not easy to do this, but I refuse to be pushed aside by you.”
A silent moment falls between us before he abruptly stands and heads in my direction. I instinctively push back against the headboard before realizing I’m cowering away. What the hell?
Kirill stops by the side of the bed and stares at me with those cold eyes that could be mistaken for a weapon. “You should’ve left while you had the chance.”
“I don’t want to leave,” I murmur. “But I also don’t want to be allocated to other departments. I came here to be your bodyguard, and my place is by your side.”
“After everything that’s happened, you have the audacity to say your place is by my side?”
“It is. I know you don’t trust me, but I’m ready to prove my loyalty. Just give me one last chance, Ki…Sir.”
I bite my lower lip. I really hate calling him that. It’s like I’m rebuilding the wall between us brick by brick.
“You lost my trust, and, therefore, I will only see you as a potential enemy.”
My chin trembles, but I lift it. “I’ll gain it back.”
“Doubt it. So why don’t you leave? Be my enemy for real, so we can fight properly.”
“I’m not your enemy, and I refuse to leave. If you still insist on throwing me in the weapon vault, I’ll stay outside again and starve to death. I’d hate to waste your time if you have to carry me and nurse me back to health every time…wait, did you carry me? How is your injury—” I start to reach a hand for him, but he slaps it away.
My heart squeezes. It wouldn’t have hurt this bad if he’d punched me in the face.
“Don’t even try to act worried.”
But that’s the thing. I wish I were acting, but I’m genuinely worried about him, so I’m rethinking the whole scene of him carrying me. Was he exerting himself while holding my dead weight? I really hope he got someone else to take me inside and change me into dry clothes…shit. My bandages are gone, so that means he did it himself.
Now, I’m mad at myself for not being awake during that time.
But then again, if I were, I probably wouldn’t have woken up here.
He adjusts his glasses with his middle finger. “You want your job back?”
I nod frantically.
“You got it.”
Before I can grin and do a celebratory dance in my head, Kirill grasps my chin with two harsh fingers. “But you’re no longer my trusted person, Lipovsky. You’re nothing more than a stranger that I’m keeping for information. You want to prove you’re loyal to me? That won’t be possible when I already consider you my fucking enemy.”
