I stare out the window without seeing anything. Since the night of the ball, I’ve felt like I exist in a void. Walking around in a body that doesn’t belong to me.
I don’t realize I’m not alone until she speaks. “You’re a gigantic asshole, you know that?”
I spin around. “What?”
Kat stands in front of my desk, holding my nephew on her hip and glaring at me with contempt. “I said you’re an asshole.”
I lick my lips and sigh. I have no desire to get into an argument with her, especially not when she’s right.
“If I didn’t love you so much …” She shakes her head when I don’t give her any response other than a blank stare. “That being said, can you look after Micah for me? Dante took Gabriella and Marco to see Toni.”
I scowl at the mention of my half sister’s name. We’ve never had a great relationship, although it’s certainly improved since our father died.
“I’ll be back in a few hours, but there’s some expressed milk in the fridge if he needs any.”
“Where are you going?”
“To help Mia look for an apartment. I’d take him but it’s hot out and he gets a little cranky in the car lately.”
Mia’s looking for an apartment? I swallow the question down without asking it. It’s for the best. She needs to be far away from me before I fuck up her life more than I already have.
“So will you?” she asks again, and I realize I haven’t answered her.
“Sure.” I take Micah from her arms, and he curls his chubby fingers in my beard and giggles.
“Thanks,” she says softly, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
I glare at her in warning. “Don’t, Kat.”
“I didn’t say anything.” She kisses her son on the cheek. “Be good for Uncle Loz, baby.”
Then she walks out of the room, and I’m sure she calls me an asshole again under her breath.
Drool runs down my nephew’s chin, and I wipe it with the pad of my thumb, which he tries to suck into his mouth. I arch an eyebrow at him. “You think I’m an asshole?”
“Dada,” he replies.
I look into his dark brown eyes. So innocent and trusting. A vise clamps around my heart and squeezes.
“Dada,” he says again, sucking his chubby fist into his mouth.
And I see it all again. Mia at the ball. My dream from the other night. My legs buckle, and I sink to the floor with Micah in my arms, fighting to breathe like someone just sucked all the air out of the room.
“Dada. Dada,” Micah chants, clapping his hands and squealing. Images flash through my head. Mia in her sexy-as-fuck heels. Mia being the perfect submissive. Wearing my collar. Wearing my ring. Children with Mia’s honey-blond hair and sparkling hazel eyes …
“Dada,” Micah coos, resting his plump little cheek against my chest.
“No, baby.” I kiss the top of his head. “Not me.”
The realization that it could be me hits me like a forty-ton truck.
My heart pounds, threatening to explode through my ribcage. Kat’s right, I am a gigantic fucking asshole. I destroyed Mia because I allowed my guilt to consume me.
I look down at my nephew’s smiling face. I thought I could never have what my younger brother has. That I could never have a family of my own. But why can’t I be called Dada or Daddy for real?
The only thing stopping me is this soul-crushing guilt. Finding the strength to get off the floor, I go to my desk and grab the envelope containing my wife’s letter. As agonizing as they were for me to read, I can’t imagine the pain she must have felt when she wrote these words. Jealousy was Anya’s one major flaw. After I put in a ton of effort to prove my commitment and devotion to her, she eventually trusted my loyalty. Still, a small jealous streak remained. How hard must it have been for her to contemplate the notion of me loving someone besides her? My incredible wife rose above her grief and fear, and even her jealousy, to urge me to keep living, proving what I already knew to be true. Anya’s kind heart and compassion outweighed all her other flaws combined. And she loved me just as much as I loved her.
Cradling my nephew against my chest, I stride out of the library and find Kat in the hallway, fixing her purse over her shoulder. Mia, standing beside her cousin, looks up. Her eyes lock on mine, and the expression on her face almost breaks me. There’s no light left, not even a flicker. I stole it from her. Without taking my focus off Mia, I hold Micah toward Kat and tell her that I can’t watch him.
I see her frown from the corner of my eye. “What? Why? Is this because I called you an asshole?”
Mia glares at me, her jaw set.
“No. It’s because you’re not going.”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake,” Kat says with a sigh.
I drag my eyes away from Mia for a second. “Can you give us a moment?”
“No,” Mia snaps.
“Please?” I say to Kat.
Rolling her eyes, she sighs again. “I’ll be in the den if you need me,” she tells Mia before giving me a pointed look and walking away.
“Kat?” Mia shouts after her, but my sister-in-law ignores her. “Fine.” She huffs and stomps toward the front door.
An armed guard stands nearby, and he looks at me for guidance. I shake my head. “Sorry. I can’t let you leave,” he says, stepping in front of Mia and blocking her path. She spins on her heel, her hazel eyes blazing green with fury.
“I am not your prisoner, Lorenzo. Let me out of this house right now.”
“No.”
“What the …” Pressing her lips together, she draws a deep breath through her nose. “I can’t even deal with you right now.”
“Leave us.” The guard nods politely and goes outside. At least Mia doesn’t try to bolt after him. She crosses her arms over her chest and taps her foot on the marble floor, refusing to look at me.
“Mia?”
Pursing her lips, she tilts her head toward the ceiling.
“Look at me.”
Her throat constricts as she swallows.
“Now.”
She lowers her gaze to the floor, but she turns her head in my direction.
My heart pounds so hard, I’m certain she must hear it. Can she not see how fucking brutal this is? “Please, sunshine. Please look at me.”
Her head lifts, eyes flickering over my face before they land on mine. “What do you want from me, Lorenzo?”
“Stay.”
She snorts. “Stay?”
“Yes.”
Her eyes narrow, confusion and anger pulling her beautiful face into a scowl. “Why the hell would I do that?”
“Because I need you.”
“No.” Shaking her head, she glares at me. “You don’t get to do that. Not now. Not after I begged you to talk to me. Not after those things you said. Two days I’ve waited for you to tell me that you didn’t mean it. For two days, it felt like my heart was being torn apart. Two days, Lorenzo! You could have asked me to stay at any point. Could have told me you needed me. But instead, you ignored me and left me alone when I needed you.”
A thick knot of regret threatens to choke me, but I manage to swallow it down. “I needed time. To process.”
“Bullshit!” she bellows, angrier than I’ve ever seen her. “You needed time to wallow in your own misery. Well, I am done watching you shred yourself to pieces with guilt. Done waiting for you to wake up and realize that loving somebody else doesn’t mean you loved her any less.” She swats away the tears dripping down her cheeks. “I’m just done.”
The pain in my chest nearly brings me to my knees at her feet. “Mia, please?” She can’t be done. “I can’t let you walk out of here.”
She shakes her head. “You can. You don’t have a choice. The time to ask me to stay was two nights ago, Lorenzo. You’re too late.”
I open my mouth to argue, but she cuts me off.
“Goodbye, Lorenzo.”
This time I don’t stop her.
