The brush sounds behind me. Movement. I remain where I am, sitting on the hillside in a hoodie, the hood flipped up, with my forearms resting on my bent knees, watching her through the windows.
She’s wearing that pajama set that I like; the white short and tank top set with the small skulls all over the shorts in black. I remember the way it feels. It’s soft, the cotton worn, as if it’s been washed hundreds of times.
She’s sitting on the couch, her back against the arm. Luckily, she’s sitting on the right side so that I can see her face. Her long hair falls over her shoulder as she looks at her new phone. I glance down at mine, staring at the pinpoint on the aerial map where her phone is located, checking for accuracy.
A person takes my flank. “You going to sit on my property all night?”
My eyes return to her. “I figured you’d notice me at some point.”
He offers me a bottle of water. “What are you doing here, Kross?”
“Respecting her wishes.”
“Here. Hydrate. You’ve been out here since nightfall.”
I decline. “Don’t need it. Won’t even know I’m here. I just need to see her.”
“Take it. You look like shit. Are you sleeping?”
“Did a line of blow. I’m good for a while.”
It’s silent for a moment. The way I like it. The wind blows, the leaves of the trees rustling. “You’re tracking her? You don’t think that’s a little much?”
“Never claimed to be normal.”
“I told you I’d watch her. Do you not trust me? After all this time . . .”
“I don’t trust anyone with her. Nothing personal.”
She stands, walking toward the bedroom. I move my head around, trying to get her back in view, but within a few seconds she’s back, pulling on a long-sleeved shirt. My shirt. The last one I wore before she left. She pulls the collar to her nose, holding it there. “When it’s not a hit it feels like an invasion of privacy. Can’t you just track her from home?”
“I’m good here. She won’t come home. Her smell is there, some of her things. It’s not warm anymore. Nightmares are back. When she left, they returned. It’s not the same sleeping alone.”
“She’ll come back.”
“I killed him.”
“Who?”
“The fucker from the strip club. The one that had her first. The one that had Delta stripping. The kid fucker. She was fifteen, like me, just a kid. Confused about life probably. He was grown. He knew better. She looked a lot like Delta without the tattoos or the piercings. He even called her Delta. I went on a psychotic whim, pissed she was gone and worried she’d go there, but then he had pictures of her everywhere. Nudes, lingerie, candid shots, posed shoots. She was younger, a lot younger. Some I found before, some after. I snapped. My girl was all over that fucking house. I injected him full of PCP and forced him to gut himself. I need to be here, Kaston. If she won’t come home, I’ll come here. I swear I won’t tell her or try to go in. I just need to see her.”
“Stay as long as you want. I get it. I was disposing of the body of Lux’s ex not all that long ago. Rich fucker. Someone will miss him.” He places a hand on my shoulder and then he stands, leaving me in peace. I didn’t even flinch when he touched me. Not sure what that means. I either completely trust him or am more fucked up over her than I thought.
She turns on her side and curls up, placing her hand over her stomach, protecting the baby I’m not happy about. The thing that caused all of my distress.
That girl fucking like a woman was someone’s daughter. Parents probably didn’t even know where she was. Probably didn’t care. People bring kids into this world and feed them to wolves.
That could have been my daughter. Spreading her legs for a grown man. I’m psycho enough. I can’t handle the thought of a kid. But I can’t stomach the thought of losing her—the only person that’s ever understood me, cared, loved me. Loved me. I have to learn to want it. A kid can’t take her away from me.
She yawns, and then turns on her back so that she can use her phone with both hands. My phone lights up, a text coming through.
Delta: WYD?
Me: Nothing.
Delta: Thank you for the phone.
Me: It was for my own selfish reasons.
Delta: I want this to work.
Me: Me too.
She doesn’t immediately say anything.
Me: Come home.
Delta: I will. When it’s time.
Me: You’re driving me crazy.
Me: Literally.
Delta: You’re being dramatic. You’ve probably barely noticed I’m gone.
Me: I’ve noticed.
Delta: Maybe we could do something tomorrow? After work?
Me: Ok.
Delta: I think I’m going to go to bed. I’m tired. Goodnight, Kross.
Me: Goodnight, Delta.
Delta: Kross.
Me: Delta.
Delta: I love you. You don’t have to say it back. Or feel like you should. I wouldn’t want you to say something you don’t mean. I just want you to know that I do.
My thumbs hover over the keyboard, reading the words over and over. I glance at her. She’s doing the same. I finally find the words.
Me: I’m starting to believe you.
Delta: As long as you do, the rest I can live with.
Me: Get some sleep. You have work tomorrow. None of that working with Kaston bullshit. You’ve already left me once.
Delta: 🙁 I didn’t leave you. Okay, I did. But to be fair, I thought it was my only option. Don’t ever think I’ve left you. I’m only giving you space.
Me: Sleep.
She gets up from the couch and walks to the bedroom, turning off the overhead light, only leaving on the table lamp. She’s beautiful. I’d give anything to go back to sleeping next to her. I’ll change my whole goddamned life for her apparently.
