I checked my window shades to make sure none of the bratva would see us. I checked my last text to the security team that I was going to bed.
No updates.
So, I let him stay in my bed.
I should have asked him to go, but something changed when I looked at myself in that mirror, when I looked at him and saw something like love in his eyes. Rome pushed me to be something I knew I could be but was scared to be. I’d walked a thin rope for the last few weeks, trying to listen to everything Ivan explained, trying to implement where I could with the bratva, and trying to remain calm when their eyes were on me, shooting daggers my way.
Those men didn’t trust me. They didn’t trust anyone really. I expected that, and I expected the hate too. A woman whom they felt was an Italian whore had just come to rule their empire.
I could have rolled my eyes at the notion, though, at calling what the bratva had an empire. The men had been disorganized, acting on emotion, and killing on a whim.
Just the night before I had to call off a murder based on a food choice. One of the leaders wanted another dead because he hadn’t remembered how much the man didn’t like shellfish. It was blatant disrespect and that would cost him his life.
I’d shot it down and been met with fury. Ivan had to quiet the room and I had to live with the threatening stares.
It wasn’t what I feared when I went to sleep. My life had always been in some kind of danger and it always would be. I was accustomed to that fear.
Now, though, I had the weight of this city on me. And I wasn’t sure I was good enough to take that on.
I could let so many down even if they never knew I was going to bat for them in the first place.
And that was the expectation. I could see it in Ivan’s eyes, even. He thought that in the end I would fail, that I wouldn’t be able to change or lead the bratva. No one really believed in me and most days I barely believed in myself. I just went through the motions.
Except when Rome stood behind me, except when he made me stare into my own eyes and see my power. I let the man kneel before me. He was a monster, a ruthless killer, a demon to most who encountered him and still he saw the best in me.
He was the only one who kept me safe from the doubts that flew around in my head at night.
So I let him stay.
He lay down next to me, but I didn’t cuddle up to him. We’d only done that in the panic room and we were in a different place now.
He let out a sigh and then pulled me up against his chest. “We’re not going backwards, Kate-Bait. If we’re in the same bed, every part of your body is going to be up against mine.”
“It’s amazing that you’re the killer in the family and yet you want to cuddle.”
“Got to know if I have to do some killing tonight. I’ll make sure to kill another nightmare if you have one.”
I smiled to myself and squeezed the arm he tightened around my waist. “Goodnight, monster.”
I slept deeply, like a beaten animal in a safe, warm home for the first time in ages.
When I woke, it wasn’t from a bad dream but the immediate need to empty my stomach. I ran for the toilet and heaved up nothing really, just spit. I hadn’t eaten much at all that day.
The tile under my knees looked expensive. I wasn’t an interior designer but I knew everything in my penthouse came at a hefty price. I didn’t pay for the look of it. We’d decided on this place for the safety. We knew the bratva had ties to the building, that Ivan was within driving distance, and that our security could idle outside without issue.
The penthouse was safe but the tile, the rooms, the aesthetic was cold. Stark white interior and tiling that was so white I was sure the rock would stain if I bled on it.
And still, I hoped for any blood to come from me now. Without it, I knew I was fucked.
I kept telling myself that the sickness was from stress but without red, I knew it was from a baby inside me.
I just didn’t know how long I could keep Rome and my baby a secret.
My baby.
The thought echoed around in my head so loud nothing else could be heard. Not one thought but the worry of what was growing inside me.
I wasn’t mother material. I’d lived without a mother since I was born. And since my father committed suicide, I wasn’t a shining example of what a woman should be.
“You’re pregnant.”
I jumped at his voice. The man who had most likely made it happen was a killer. If I was pregnant, I’d chosen a killer as the father. I had blood on my hands too, stained with criminals’ lives.
I closed my eyes for a moment before responding. “We don’t know that for a fact.”
“Have you had your period?”
“I don’t have it half the time. Symptom of PCOS.”
“What’s that?”
“Polycystic ovarian syndrome. My body doesn’t produce just one good egg but tons of little ones that sometimes don’t mature enough for a period.” I waved off the whole explanation and his brows shot down in concern. “It doesn’t really affect me much if I’m on birth control but with the mini pill sometimes I don’t get a period. It’s never been a problem before. I take the pill on time, I do all the right—”
“You’ve been sleeping with the wrong men.”
“What?” I asked, baffled.
“Strong sperm count.” He smirked to himself.
“Are you seriously making a joke right now?” I wanted to throttle him.
He chuckled like he wasn’t at all concerned. “Right now? As if there would have been a better time for that joke.”
He didn’t see the gravity of the situation. I was sure of it. He was probably thinking this wouldn’t be a big deal: just get rid of the baby. That’s what he knew I would choose immediately. And that hurt my heart in a way I never thought it would.
“It’s a little early for jokes about your sperm considering we don’t even know if I’m—”
“You are.”
I glared at him. “Do you have a freaking sensor? Are you a doctor?”
“No. That’s why we’ll call the doc to come run some tests this morning. Or you go in. You’re not going to sacrifice the health of our child by avoiding going, Katalina.”
“The health? It doesn’t matter,” I said more to myself than him. Then I shook myself from my own thoughts.
“It matters,” he whispered back to me. He wasn’t supposed to be this close; this wouldn’t be his and mine to deal with. It would be me, it would be my body, my life, and this new immediate love that I would have to extinguish if I wanted to rule.
Is this what women had to choose? How did we make that decision? How could we do it all or end it all like that?
He couldn’t understand the fear, the immediate turmoil I felt. So I pushed him away, acted like a child who didn’t want any help. “And how do you know it’s yours?”
He ate up the ground between us fast. He must have woken up way before me because he was completely dressed, even had his shoes on. They came into my view as I stared down at the floor. His loafers shone like nothing had ever touched them, like he walked on clean carpets all day long.
Surely, he would get blood on his shoes. Where did it go? Wiped away like a clean slate, no memory of the mess.
“Don’t be petty with me this morning.” His words were punctuated, firm, and low as they rolled from his lips.
“I feel petty.” I sighed and dragged my hand along the tile line, felt the grout in between the beautiful smooth tiles. It was rough, jagged, and definitely imperfect. I closed my eyes and whispered, “And I feel… a lot right now. Just a lot.”
“You’re entitled to that. You’ll be fine, huh? You’ve just been pushed to do this whole reigning of a kingdom quicker than you originally anticipated.”
“What do you mean?”
“You got our little minion in there. We’re working double time to make sure the bratva, the Italian families, the Stonewoods, and every rival family out there know they’re going to be on their best behavior until the end of time for our next generation.”
“You can’t think this is a good idea. We could wipe the slate clean quickly—’
“It’s not an idea, woman. It’s a fact. Let’s go to the doctor and confirm it.” He didn’t acknowledge my other comment.
“We should have one come here. Discreetly.”
“The sooner everyone knows…”
“We don’t have to keep it, Rome.” My heartbeat stuttered at the words and my gut clenched. I sounded deflated, like a balloon that’d lost all its air. “We weren’t careful enough, but we can be now.”
“When have we ever cowered?”
“It’ll blow up everything.”
“I’m ready to go nuclear if you are, babe.” The man was smiling one of the biggest smiles I’d ever seen from him.
“This doesn’t solve any of our problems. It just amplifies them.” I said, my voice rising at the fact that he didn’t think this was a big deal. “I can’t put you first and you can’t put me first. It’s always just been about the family. It’s not fair to bring a baby into that.”
“That baby will be a part of both our families.”
“That doesn’t make any sense!” I threw my hands up.
He sighed and ran his hands through his thick head of hair. “One step at a time, Katalina. One step at a time.”
