On our third day in Kauai, Ellie—sweet, too kind for her own good, and should really learn how to say no Ellie—agrees to join Nico and me on a helicopter ride despite her crippling fear of planes. I told her a few times she didn’t need to come with us, but by my third attempt to talk her out of it, she politely asked me to stop talking.
Nico holds her hand the entire time while I wish I could do the same. Instead, I keep mine tucked against my lap while my son distracts Ellie with random facts that he learned about the island from watching hours of videos.
“Where are the dinosaurs?” Ellie hesitantly leans forward.
Nico smacks her shoulder with a giggle. “There are no dinosaurs!”
She scrunches her brows. “Really? You promised me there would be some.”
“No! I told you they filmed them here.”
“So they still exist?”
He shakes his head in disbelief. “Did you go to school?”
“Of course.”
“Then didn’t your teacher tell you about the big comet that killed all the dinosaurs?”
“I thought they brought them back with mosquito blood and frog DNA,” she teases.
Nico drops his head back with a dramatic sigh, and Ellie cracks a smile. Despite my protests about her coming on this trip, I’m glad Nico insisted because I can’t imagine being here without her.
It takes a special person to raise other people’s children like their own. Nico’s mother doesn’t show the same amount of care and affection toward her son, and she gave birth to him, so I understand how special Ellie’s unconditional love truly is.
I’ve spent the last ten days witnessing it firsthand, but today is the first time I wish she shared a bit of the affection she has toward my son with me.
Is it pathetic to be jealous of my own kid? Probably, but I’m hitting all new lows lately, seeing as I spent part of our day trying to compete for Ellie’s attention like a child.
I’m not even sure when I went from being jealous of Ellie with Nico to being jealous of my son instead, but it is pitiful.
My attempts at stealing her attention continue long after our helicopter ride and into dinner.
“Papi, I’m full.” Nico pushes his plate away from him and pats his belly with a groan.
I blink away my thoughts. “What about your veggies?”
“I ate most of them, but I can’t take another bite.” He puffs his cheeks with air.
Most of his plate is cleared, but a few pieces of fish and his least favorite vegetable in the medley mix, broccoli, remain untouched. My eyes flick over to Ellie, who is finishing the last bite of her own food.
A normal man would let the staff take Nico’s plate away without thinking twice about it, but the idea of leaving food behind makes my own dinner crawl toward my throat.
Old habits die hard, and trauma seems to last forever.
“You did well.” I reach for his plate and place it on top of my empty one.
“Ew. That has my germs.”
My cheeks heat at the feeling of Ellie’s eyes on me, and I wonder what she is thinking. Is she disgusted by me eating my son’s leftovers? Or would she find me weak for being unable to overcome a fear that will never be a problem again, as long as I live?
My ex-wife despised my compulsive behavior once she discovered I wasn’t eating her leftover food because I was still hungry. It took her an impressively long amount of time to realize my habit, and only because it was harder to hide once Nico was born and I was eating whatever they both left behind.
Eventually, as Nico grew older, I became better at predicting how much food he would eat in a given meal, but vacations put the control back in the hands of the chefs who cook for us.
Funny how I have enough money to have Wagyu beef flown in from Japan and have it prepared by a private Michelin star chef for every meal for the rest of my life, but here I am, staring at Nico’s dinner plate like it could be my last.
I’ve never felt weaker than I do in this moment, knowing not only Nico but Ellie too will witness my embarrassment.
Ellie surprises me when she stabs her fork through one of the pieces of fish.
“Ellie! Not you too!” My son looks over at me with an exasperated look. “Tell her not to do that, Papi. Please.”
I’m too shocked to speak, let alone command Ellie to stop.
With a small smile, she pops the piece of fish into her mouth. “Delicious. Dare I say it tastes better with your germs on it.”
Nico looks absolutely horrified. “Yuck!”
My mouth falls open for a completely different reason, but words continue to escape me as Ellie reaches over again to take another piece of fish from Nico’s plate.
Before she has a chance to steal another forkful, I clasp my hand around her wrist. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Weren’t you going to eat it?”
“Yes.”
“Then so can I.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s important to you,” she says with a casual shrug, all while I feel like she stabbed her fork through my heart instead of Nico’s leftovers.
I’ve never had someone take on the burden of my irrational fear with me. My family is aware of my quirk, and Hillary was vocal about her dislike of my psychological issues, as she so unkindly phrased it, but people usually keep their heads down and their mouths shut about it.
They don’t comment. They don’t look. And they sure as hell don’t participate because it’s important to me.
My lungs feel as if they could explode at any second, unable to bear the weight of Ellie’s actions and my heart expanding.
Ellie seems completely unaware of my struggle—or she at least pretends to be—as she pops her fork into her mouth before slowly dragging it out.
“But you said you were too full for dessert.” Nico groans at Ellie.
“I wasn’t in the mood for ice cream.”
Nico throws his hands in the air. “Who even says that?”
A very special woman with a heart two sizes too big.
My fork trembles in my hand as I spear through the second-to-last piece of fish on Nico’s plate. Ellie—fucking Ellie, with golden hair to match her golden heart—reaches underneath the table and gives my thigh a reassuring pat.
Before she has a chance to pull back, I latch on to her hand and keep it secured to my thigh as I finish Nico’s vegetables.
The usual shame that accompanies my weakness fades away, and the condescending voice in my head is silent as I clutch Ellie’s hand like a lifeline.
Whether I like it or not, she is quickly becoming mine, and rather than fear the consequences of letting someone get close to me again, I want to embrace the possibility of finally sharing my burden.
Of finally dropping my walls and allowing myself to just be me.
Nico asks both Ellie and me to tuck him in tonight, so together, we help him get into bed and read him a story. At his request, Ellie and I read his latest book like a play, with her reading the parts of the mom and me the dad. He sits between us on the big bed, along with the five action figures Ellie packed in her oversized luggage.
Ellie fits so easily into our lives, it is hard to remember what everything was like before she entered it. Nico adores her, and I’m quickly understanding why.
Still, I don’t want to ruin the special thing we have going for us by pushing harder against her friendship idea, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still tempted, especially when she looks at me like I’m someone special.
Like someone worthy.
Nico snuggles under the comforter with a sigh. “Papi.”
I shake my head and turn to face him. “Yeah.”
“Why do you eat my food?”
“Huh?”
Ellie’s eyes drop to the mattress.
Nico can hardly keep his own open. “I was just thinking about Mommy and how she doesn’t eat all my food.”
The rosy color of Ellie’s cheeks fades.
I lift Nico’s comforter to his chin. “No, she doesn’t.”
He looks over at Ellie. “But you did.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
I clear my throat. “Remember how Penelope came to us and you could see her ribs?”
Nico’s bottom lip wobbles as he nods. “Yeah.”
“And she was so hungry she kept trying to eat your hair?”
That seems to break the tension. “Yeah!”
“I was like that once.”
“So hungry you could eat someone’s hair?”
My cheeks burn. “Not quite, but hungry enough that you could count my ribs too.”
Ellie gives my hand a squeeze. When she moves to pull away, Nico places his hand on top of both of ours.
My heart is full to the point of bursting. Never has it yearned for someone to the point of pain before, but something about Ellie makes me want more.
More of what, I haven’t decided yet, mostly because I’m still working through my issues, but I do know what we currently have isn’t enough.
Nico looks up at me. “I’m sorry I laughed at you.”
I kiss his forehead. “No need to say sorry. I know it can be…gross.”
Ellie’s eyes soften, and I have to look away because I can’t take the pity in her gaze.
Nico smiles. “I like that you like my germs.”
I laugh. “No, you don’t.”
“Yes, I do! Maybe I’ll steal some of your food too.”
“Not if I steal it first,” Ellie says with a smile I feel straight to my heart.
