Why am I uneasy?
This is a perfect situation for what Hector asked of me. I’ll have plenty of alone time with Mariana to talk about her struggles.
Alone time.
Fuck. I’m not actually afraid of being alone with my best friend’s daughter, am I? Even if my body seems to be reacting to her against my will, that’s only because I’ve been celibate for too long. Celibacy won’t make me a slave to my lust. I’m not in danger of mauling her and bending her over my office desk.
And I won’t imagine it, either.
When I pull up into my driveway, the balcony light is on. Warmth washes over me, easing my frayed nerves. Ethan is here. He must be studying on the balcony.
I won’t be coming home to a big empty house.
I step inside my front door, and I’m greeted by the sterile scent of the tile cleaner. The housekeeper must have come by this morning. Damn it. How does this house still smell like it was just built and freshly painted when I’ve lived here for ten years?
This is the problem with buying the big house before you start a family. It feels so empty while I’m waiting to fill it. I thought at the ripe age of thirty-eight I’d be coming home to the sound of children’s voices and a wife to kiss.
I lived a different life when I bought this house. I owned a business. I made more money in a month than I do in a year now. Starting a family was the next logical step.
Too bad I was a selfish hedonist who sought constant new partners. I never had any relationships that lasted longer than a few months. It turned out that wanting to start a family and actually doing the work to build one were two different things.
“Hey, bro,” I say after walking through the slider door.
Ethan looks up from his laptop, his eyes sleepy. “Hey.” His voice is raspy, as if from disuse.
I grab a beer from the patio bar. “Pulling all-nighters or what?”
He groans. “I’ve barely slept at all the last two days. All my midterms landed on this week. And we have the Sierra game on Friday. I’m going to be sleepwalking.”
I smile. “More like sleep route running.”
“Exactly.” He shakes his head. “It’s going to be a nightmare.”
I pat his back. “You’ll get through it. You always do.”
Ethan leans back into his chair, running a hand through his already somewhat disheveled hair. “I think I need to nap for a couple hours before I pull my all-nighter. Can you wake me up before you go to bed?”
I take a sip of my beer. “Sure thing. I put those blackout shades in the guest room just for you.”
He smiles faintly, and I can’t help but read a little pity in his expression. He’s caught on to my loneliness these past few weeks.
Just as he makes it to the slider door, he turns to me. “Was Sofia at church tonight?
I plant a smile on my face. “She was.”
Ethan shakes his head. “I can’t believe you still haven’t even kissed her. She’s a bombshell.”
My smile threatens to falter. I can’t believe I don’t have the desire to kiss her pretty mouth either. He’s right that she’s a beautiful woman, and she has that naïve sweetness that would have called to the wickedness within me years ago. By now, I would have faked warmth and sincerity, using my velvety voice to coax her into my bed ten times over. I’d be ready to find my next conquest.
I was a bastard before God transformed me.
“I’m just being careful,” I say. “The Hernandezes are too important to me to be flippant about this. If I hurt her, it could get ugly.”
He smirks. “Hector would kill you.”
I grunt. “Yes, he would.”
And I would lose the only family I have other than Ethan.
He leans up against the glass door, his eyes narrowing. “Do you think maybe you want to get married so badly because you want to have what Hector has? The big family barbecues and the kids running around.”
I take a sip of my beer. “Who says I want to get married badly?”
He shoots me a skeptical look that makes my face heat.
“If I were going to get serious with Sofia,” I say, “which Hector seems to want, I need to give her time. She’s still hung up on her ex-fiancé. Well…Mariana implied it tonight after the service.”
His eyes widen. “Mari was at church?”
I nod. “She comes sometimes. With Sofia and or her friend Livvy.”
He smiles, shaking his head. “She’s who I would go after. Sofia is obviously gorgeous, but Mari… She’s something else.”
Heat washes over my skin, and my teeth clench of their own will. Where is this irritation with Ethan coming from? Sure, I’m protective of both Mariana and Sofia. But this is my little brother. He’s not a threat.
Fuck.
God, please say lust isn’t fucking with my head again.
“She’s going to start working at the church,” I say. “Sofia volunteered her to fill in for Daisy.”
Ethan frowns. “Mari? Why would she do that? She doesn’t seem like she’s that into church.”
“I think Hector might have asked Sofia to volunteer her. It all felt a little staged when she brought it up tonight.”
He shakes his head. “Why are they so pushy with her? When Hector was trying to minister to you, he went out to the bars with you. He was around when you were getting drunk and taking women home. He met you where you were. He wasn’t pushy at all.”
I shrug. “I’m not his daughter. It’s different when fear is involved. He even asked me to talk to her.”
“Well, you’re good at that. You could actually make her see how good God is.”
“No,” I say sharply. “I don’t want to do that. Christianity isn’t for everyone.”
Ethan stays quiet for a while. He doesn’t agree with me on this topic, I know, but he’s too much in awe of my position in the church and my education to argue with me.
“What are you going to do?” he eventually asks.
I shrug. “I’m going to use the time to talk to her, but I won’t try to convert her. I’ll let her vent.”
He chuckles. “That’ll be entertaining. She’s fun when she gets all fired up.”
Damn right she is. Those dark eyes of hers sparkle, and she gets that cute little mischievous smile. Then she calls me “pastor” in that low, sultry voice.
Fuck.
I can’t think this way. Not if I’m going to help her.
God, help me to see her as I did before. Give me back those protective instincts that weren’t even slightly carnal.
I can’t lust for her. Not if I’m going to act as her pastor.
