I stood in her empty bedroom. The smell of her still lingered in the air.
Niccolo tapped on the door and walked in. “Well… she’s gone.”
I just nodded in silence.
“Why’d you let her go?” he asked.
“She wanted to leave.”
Niccolo gave a bitter laugh. “You weren’t so accommodating when she wanted to go to confession a week ago!”
“This is different.”
“HOW?! Explain it to me!”
I turned to face him. “What do you care? You didn’t want me bringing her here in the first place!”
“Well, it’s already done, so what does it matter what I wanted?”
“Maybe I finally decided to take my consigliere’s advice,” I said mockingly.
“Bullshit. Why can’t you just admit what’s going on?”
I turned away from him and said nothing.
“It’s obvious you’re in love with her, you fool,” Niccolo snapped. “I can see it – everyone else sees it – ”
“There’s no place for love in what we do,” I snarled. “Not in the life we lead.”
“Bullshit! You know Papa loved Mama – ”
“That was a lifetime ago. It’s a different world now.”
“No, it isn’t!” Niccolo shouted. “We inherited it all – the risks are the same, the violence is the same, the life-and-death choices are the same – nothing’s different from what our family has faced for generations! So what are you so afraid of?!”
I paused for a second, then said, “Staying here will endanger her.”
“Too late! She’s already been in danger, and she came out the other side unharmed! That’s no reason. What the hell is really wrong?”
I didn’t answer.
“…you think it will make you weak if you love her,” Niccolo realized. “You’ve been don for three weeks, and you’re barely hanging on as it is… and you’re afraid if you stumble, if you make a mistake, then everything our family fought for will turn to dust… and it’ll be all your fault. That’s it, isn’t it? So you’re going to play the tragic hero, be miserable and alone, and carry the whole world on your shoulders.”
“Fuck you.”
“No, FUCK YOU. You’re my brother – my family – and you’re forgetting that we’re all in this together. We stand together, or we fall together – but the important thing is we do it together. We do it so the family goes on – and how can it go on if you refuse to love? If you refuse to take a wife and have children? Loving Alessandra will make you stronger, you idiot. You’ll have something greater than yourself to fight for.”
“I have the family to fight for – ”
“There is no family if it ends with us!” Niccolo raged. “If we’re the last ones… if we die alone… then what the fuck did we sacrifice for? What the hell is it all worth if there isn’t anyone to share it with, to pass it all down to?”
When I didn’t answer, Niccolo shook his head. “You’re making a terrible mistake. I only hope you realize it in time.”
Then he turned and walked out of the room.
I stood there for a long moment…
And then I walked over to the wardrobe where her dresses were still hanging.
I pulled one off the hanger, held it to my face, and breathed deeply.
It smelled of her…
The scent of lilacs…
And the smell of her hair when it was warmed by the sun.
For a second, I imagined she was there with me…
That I hadn’t lost her…
And that everything might still be alright.
But then I opened my eyes…
And I was alone and miserable.
Just like Niccolo had said.
