Fucked. That’s what she said. It’s what I am. What we are, I guess.
Still, nothing could have fully prepped me for how it’d feel to watch Parks round the corner into the lobby with the only other man she’s been with besides me. And here’s the fucking kicker—they’re different now. I can see it on them.
Sex is special to her. She wouldn’t have done it if she didn’t want to, even if she did it a bit to spite me; she’s spited me a thousand times in a million ways and never once has she had sex with anyone but me, but Tom—
It’s different with Tom. Even if she doesn’t realise it yet.
“Oy.” Henry grins at them because he doesn’t know.
Magnolia smiles at him weakly, and he looks over at me, confused. Perry and Gus trade quizzical looks. Tom whispers something to Parks, brushes some hair behind her ears—he’s too familiar with her now. Touches her like she’s his—and then he goes to speak to reception. I look for her eyes, but she purposely won’t meet mine. Pails rushes over to her, linking her arm with hers, kind of using herself to shield Parks from me.
I try not to look too hurt, but I am. I’m fucking dying inside. Christian looks from me to Parks, brows low. Reading the room.
I reckon he knows.
Tom walks back over towards Parks, clocks me, barely gives me a chin nod and then tosses his arm around her lazily. That hurts. The casualness of how he’s touching her, and then she mindlessly reaches up and holds two of his fingers with her whole hand—and then they just stand there… like that… like a couple. Like an actual couple. With real feelings and real sex between them.
The quiet intimacy that passes between them right in front of me makes me feel like someone just scooped out my fucking soul with a soup ladle and I turn away because I can’t look.
Henry notices, frowns. “You good?”
I nod quick because it’s obvious I’m lying. “Be back in a sec,” I tell him.
Jog to the bathroom. Do a line. Walk back out. Try to catch her eye but she won’t cast me a line. That’s all she’ll give me. Nothing. And nothing from her is something because nothing between us is unnatural and something about that makes me feel a bit better.
Our car arrives; it’s a stretch. Tom leads her to the car—the whole ride there she’s quiet. I don’t think she says a word once, not to anyone. Not even when people speak to her. Tom answers or Paili. And he doesn’t let go of her hand—what are they? Superglued?
We get to the airstrip and my chest feels tight and my girl feels far away.
As they’re unloading the car, I come and stand by her. “Can we talk?” I ask, quietly.
She tilts her head in my direction, but her eyes don’t meet mine. “No.” Then she walks away, back over to Tom. My face falters as I watch her with him again. She’s not her comfortable self with him, she’s not her usual self, she’s not talking, or quippy, or funny or bright; she’s none of those things around him today—she’s hurt. She’s her wounded self around him, and that might feel worse. Because the only other person I’ve ever known her to be that exposed with is me.
I watch them and feel like I’m watching my own life in a car wreck. We start boarding England’s plane. I sit at the back same place I sat on the way over, leave the seat next to me wide open, hope she sits next to me again. It’s not really like her to leave loose ends, doesn’t do good for her brain. So, I sit there, waiting for her to get on the plane, waiting to catch her eye to nod her over to me—but when she boards, Tom’s hands are on her waist.
He nods his head towards the cockpit. She nods and follows him and they close the door. I don’t even get a look in.
Henry lets out a long whistle. Paili elbows him.
She was right. The weather is fucked.
10:12
Christian
Oy
What’s up with you and Beej?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Liar
Did he say something?
Nope
He won’t say shit about it either.
What happened?
Nothing
Tell me
We just had a big fight, is all.
…?
I saw him with a girl
?
I saw him saw him
Like.. 🍆🌮
What?
Actually?
I think so. I don’t know.
I ran away.
Where to?
To Tom
I was there
I know.
You could have come to me.
I know.
But I couldn’t have.
You can always come to me.
You should know that.
I know.
Thank you xxxx
xx
