When I open my eyes in the morning, it’s as if I’m seeing everything for the first time.
The red-tinge to my bedroom is gone. In its place, unfiltered sunlight drifts through the now entirely open window. Aiden must have pried it open before he left this morning.
The golden twinkle reminds me of just how much has changed. Last night, after Aiden took my virginity, we fucked twice more. Then we fell asleep in each other’s arms, tangled up like true lovers.
Even after we were done, the lustful haze that locked us together didn’t seem to drift away at all. Our bodies just couldn’t keep up anymore. The naughty fairytale ended with a soft kiss on my forehead and the fluttering of heavy eyelids.
Wonderfully raw. When I roll over in bed, I can still see the imprint of the man who’s made me feel this way. His outline sinks into the mattress. I rest my head where his chest would be. That musky scent of his still lingers, and I take a big whiff before I roll back over and sit up on the edge of the bed.
What hits me first is the soreness in my legs. It’s not just the gap between my thighs that aches, but my thighs too. Hell, every muscle in my body seems to throb with a dull fire from all the clenching and convulsing I did last night.
It’s not something I feel like complaining about. In fact, when I stand up and momentarily sway on my feet, as my body re-adjusts to being off my back, the novelty of the sensation fills me with an emotion I never thought I’d feel while I was locked up in my enemy’s castle.
Happiness.
It takes seeing my reflection in the bathroom mirror to make me realize that I’m actually smiling. But once I see that I am, the grin quickly falls into a frown.
The lightness of my ache becomes heavy, as does the levity of my happiness.
I’m still trapped in my enemy’s castle.
Enemy.
What does that even mean anymore?
Aiden and my father are enemies, and when Aiden bought me and then dragged me here, I assumed we were enemies too. But now, it feels like a different relationship is blooming from our flower bed of hate. It’s hard to believe that any enemy could be so tender, so intimate, so right.
Last night, we wanted all of each other. Every last little part. And we got it, but only because we both gave it in return.
When Aiden fucked me, I didn’t feel like he was taking my virginity. He wasn’t taking anything. He was only giving. With his tongue and his lips and his cock. He fucked the fear right out of me. It was amazing.
But now he’s gone, and I don’t have his musky scent or scorching muscles to coat the reality of what brought us here.
Revenge.
Aiden wanted to use me to get back at my father.
As I turn on the shower and step under the hot water, I can’t help but wonder if his plans have changed. Then, when I realize I can’t possibly know for sure, my thoughts turn inwards.
Have my plans changed?
Hot water runs down between my legs and I wash away the residue of last night. My skin is still sticky from it all and even under the water, the soreness still throbs. But when my fingers brush against my clit, desire still ripples up from between my legs.
It only draws a sigh from my lips. This is all so confusing. I want more of what happened last night. The compliments, the tenderness, and of course, the primal passion.
But it all stands in stark contrast to my other desire.
To be free.
It seems impossible to want both at the same time. Yet here I am, standing starry-eyed underneath this shower head, dreaming of an open field with no strings attached, while simultaneously touching myself with an intense desire for more of my captor.
When I gave Aiden my first kiss, part of me justified the act as a calculated move. Gain his trust and then take my freedom.
But another part of me wanted nothing more than to taste his lips and give away that part of me that had been held so dear for so long. Aiden can be so mean, yet so sweet.
The contradiction never felt clearer than it did last night. Pain and pleasure combusted into something entirely new, and it somehow helped me understand him better.
There’s a part of this world I’m naïve too. When Aiden fucked me, he introduced me to it. But I wasn’t forced to confront it alone. He held my hand the whole way through.
The thought of untangling from him and running off leaves me with a cold empty feeling. By the time I’m dried off and dressed for the day, I’m no closer to having any answers.
“Are you decent?” Maeve’s voice floats in from my bedroom door. When I first arrived here, she couldn’t have cared less about my privacy or what I was or wasn’t wearing when she came into my room, but now, I get a sense that she can sense the changing dynamic in my presence.
Gradually, I’m becoming more than just Aiden’s property. I’m becoming his partner. And the boss’s partner has some say in how things go around here.
I poke my head out of the closet and wave her through the door. “Come on in.” She’s carrying breakfast. Tara shuffles in behind her. Despite a cheery demeanour, the young woman looks tired. The fact that I know why she’s tired ties a knot in my gut. The pressure of my increasingly difficult decision sinks down from my chest and I sulk out of the closet, ready to face another directionless day.
“Wow, you’re glowing,” Tara says, sitting on the edge of my bed like she could crawl up under the covers herself. Despite the fatigue drooping under her eyes, there’s always a tinge of excitement to her tone. It helps perk me up.
“Thank you,” I blush. Tara’s looking at me like she knows what happened last night. Meave doesn’t seem to care in the slightest.
“You need to eat your breakfast this morning,” the older woman insists, pointing a stern finger my way. “You’ve got a busy day ahead of you.”
“Busy day?” I look back and forth between the two women. Meave isn’t giving anything away, but Tara has a lazy smile on her face.
“Aiden left some surprises for you.”
My heart clenches. Despite the burst of intimacy that we shared last night, I haven’t forgotten the darkness that the man is capable of. A surprise from him could mean anything.
“Like what?” I ask, almost afraid to.
“They wouldn’t be surprises if I told you!”
“I can’t handle surprises, Tara. Just tell me!”
The younger woman looks to Meave for permission. When we’re alone, Tara is the epitome of a carefree wild child, but when she’s shadowing the older maid, she’s a good girl, just doing as she’s told. It’s an interesting contradiction in itself, but one that’s far more understandable that any of Aiden’s conflicting features.
“Eat first, then we’ll show you,” Meave says.
I look over my shoulder towards the boxes of books at the foot of my closet. Those were a good surprise. Honestly, so was last night. Aiden is capable of more than just terror, but my trust in him might take even longer to build than his trust in me.
Still, it’s not like I have anything else to do today. Meave leaves when I start chowing down, but Tara stays behind to take a quick cat nap in my bed. For her sake, I try to eat as slowly as possible, but the truth is, I’m starving. The work out Aiden gave me last night must have been the most exercise I’ve had in weeks.
The second I’m done with breakfast, Tara sprouts up from under my covers, her hair already wild with bed-head. “Ready?” she asks, one eye still closed.
Claws of guilt tickle my heart. She’s working so hard to give me a way out of this mess, and here I am, wondering if I would even take it.
“Ready,” I say, trying to hide the conflict ravaging my soul.
“There are two surprises today. Aiden made sure to set them up before he left this morning. First one is outside.”
The thought of Aiden thinking of me before he left for work only adds to the fire threatening to tear me apart. He took time out of his busy day to make sure I had a better one. The sweetness is almost sickening. Or maybe it just feels that way because I’m so unused to it. One thing I learned in my field-nurse training course was to never overfeed those who are starving. It could kill them.
Right now, Aiden threatens to kill me with kindness. I can only hope that his surprises aren’t too thoughtful, otherwise, they might just be my undoing.
“Now, Aiden’s not completely selfless,” Tara jokes as we step outside. “Usually, his gifts benefit him in some small way too. Like for my birthday last year, he gave me a maid’s outfit. Weird, right? But really, it was more of a message. You know, telling me that he would allow me to work under Meave out here while I recovered. It’s what I wanted, but he was still getting something out of it. A free maid!”
A nervous chuckle escapes my throat. What does Aiden want from me besides what we gave each other last night? God, I hope Tara isn’t about to lead me to a shed filled with sex toys. That would be mortifying.
“I’m sure Aiden would love to see me in a maid outfit,” I joke, trying to alleviate my tangled nerves.
“Maybe you would do better as a gardener?”
My heart squeezes when Tara actually does point towards a shed at the edge of the lawn.
“What’s in there?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” She clicks open a padlock and pulls back the creaky doors. Despite the age of the shed itself, the tools inside all look brand new and completely unused. Shears and spades and even some pretty pink gloves line the walls.
“He got me gardening tools?” I ask, a little confused. Looking back over my shoulder, I see professional gardeners tending to the hedges that pop up over the property. They don’t look like they need any help. Have I mentioned to Aiden that I enjoyed gardening? Don’t get me wrong, I do—tending to my own personal outdoor garden was one of the few freedoms I was allowed as a child—but I just can’t remember bringing it up. “What does he want me to garden?” Then it hits me. “His mother’s garden…”
“Yep. You’re to be the official caretaker of the one place here that he actually cares about. It’s a big responsibility. But like I said, Aiden’s gifts are always a little two-faced. Now, he doesn’t have to take time out of his busy schedule to tend to his mother’s final resting spot. He’s got you.”
I remember how afraid I was when I saw him storming towards Mr. McCabe and me the other day. His shirt was off and even under the sunlight, those inky tattoos of his were dark and beastly. But he wasn’t mad at me. He was mad at his soldier for getting too close to me.
Tara leans closer to me. “This is a huge step,” she whispers into my ear. “You’re gaining his trust.”
My heart stutters at the heaviness of the sentiment. This is such an intimate display of trust. The thought of betraying it fills me with instant grief.
“Are you allowed to help me?” I ask Tara.
“Aiden was unclear on that end. I’ll help for a little while, at least. But the second I hear that helicopter coming, I’m out of here!”
I can’t help but smile.
Really, if it weren’t for the conflict raging in my soul, I’d be overjoyed by this act. When I chose to ignore Tara’s warnings and do what I could to fix up the decaying garden, I was thinking of it more as an act of pity than anything else. I was willing to be punished for showing some kindness to my captor. He and his mother had gotten caught up in the evils of powerful men and both had paid dearly for it. That’s something I could sympathize with.
Plus, I was also going crazy from inactivity, and so I took a chance. It seems to have paid off.
Tara and I start right away. We haul over to the garden and get to work tidying up the decaying flowers and drooping plants. We dig new plots for fallen foliage and trim the overgrown bushes that threaten to steal sunlight from those that need it most.
By the time Meave comes over with lunch, we’re both dirty and sweaty and exhausted, but we’ve made a difference. The garden is already looking better.
“We’re not so useless after all, huh?” Tara jokes as we take a break to chow down.
“Do you think he’ll like what we’ve done?”
“I think he’ll like that you’ve done it.”
Heat flushes to my cheeks and I look around at the garden with a sigh. Despite its sadness, it truly is beautiful.
“I hope so,” I say.
Tara shuffles a little closer to me. Her voice becomes quiet and secretive. “I need you to know that whatever you choose to do is okay with me. If things are changing, don’t feel pressured to run for the tunnels just because I’ve been working on them.”
This girl can see right through me. “I haven’t changed my mind,” I whisper back. That’s not entirely true. A frustrating tug-of-war rages back and forth behind my forehead. “I still want to leave.”
“Okay. Just make sure you’re certain, because once you make that final decision, there’s no going back. Okay?”
“I understand.”
Suddenly, I’m not so hungry anymore. The heaviness of my choice fills up my stomach, leaving room for little else.
Again, Tara senses my hesitation.
“Elisa? What’s wrong?”
Uncertainty keeps my mouth shut. But then suddenly, I can’t hold back anymore. “I’m not sure what to do.” The unexpected confession leaves my lips before I can stop it.
“That’s alright,” Tara sighs. “This must all be so confusing. Believe me, I’m confused as hell too. Aiden has changed, but sometimes, I still catch glimpses of the man I thought I knew him to be. It’s like he’s teetering on the edge of total darkness, and every once in a while, he’s pulled back into the light for a moment.”
Tara looks at me like it’s obvious who’s pulling him back. Me.
But I can’t believe that, not if I want to make sure I do what’s best for me.
Just like I risked my own safety to tend to his mother’s garden, I wouldn’t put it past me to forego my own freedom just to try and save Aiden from total darkness. It’s just the kind of person I am. It’s why I chose medicine. It’s why I chose the Ukraine.
But it can’t be why I choose him.
That decision needs to be for my sake and my sake only, otherwise, we both risk falling into a black hole that neither of us will ever be able to climb out of.
The rest of our lunch goes by in relative silence. Soon enough, I’m chomping at the bit to get back to work. I need the distraction. But before I can grab the nearest set of shears, Tara hops up onto her feet and claps her hands.
“No more gardening,” she says, checking her phone. “It’s time for your second surprise. Hurry, we don’t want to be late.”
Tara immediately starts running off, but my feet remain planted in the ground. There’s still so much to do here, so much more to distract myself from.
You have all the time in the world.
It’s both a reassuring thought and a devastating one.
“Come on!” Tara shouts from ahead.
With a sigh, I follow her. I’m not looking forward to this second surprise, and not because I think it will be part of some nefarious game Aiden is playing with me. But rather because I’m worried that he’s starting to see right through me.
He knows what I want. And he wants to give it to me.
It’s exhilarating, to have someone understand you like that. In a normal relationship, it would be too amazing to ever want to let go of. But this isn’t normal. Nothing about this is normal.
Someday, I’m going to have to make a choice. Hold on or let go.
Last week, that decision was easy. Not anymore.
That’s why I’m dreading Aiden’s next surprise as Tara leads me through the mansion’s halls and into a section of the estate I haven’t been to before.
The room we end up at has a wood finished floor and three glass walls, a modern blend between a yoga studio and a dance hall. In the middle of the room stands a woman in camouflage fatigues. At her feet is something I recognize well from my training at the hospital.
A medical dummy.
“Elisa, this is Taylor. She’s an ex-army medic. Her goal today is to teach you some real shit.” Tara seems overjoyed. It’s like she can sense how big a deal this is for me.
A real former army medic. They didn’t even have any of those at the hospital. This woman is exactly what I wanted to become before my life was turned upside down.
It’s such an amazing and thoughtful gift that it makes my mouth go dry, and for the first half-an-hour of my private session, I can hardly speak. But Taylor is so knowledgeable and friendly. Even when I make a mistake, she doesn’t snap. The stoic woman remains calm and focused and shows me the proper way to handle myself.
It doesn’t take long for me to get lost in the work. When I recognize a technique that I was taught at the hospital, a wave of excitement washes over me, and when I learn something new, I get giddy with self-pride.
Soon, I forget about where I am and why. Then, as the session drags on, I remember. But it’s not a bad realization.
Instead, I start to see the medical dummy as Aiden. I picture him coming home, an Irish warrior bruised and battered from one of his dark wars. He’s in desperate need of a tender but skilled touch. I give it to him.
Taylor shows me how to properly bandage a shoulder wound, and I apply the dressing with that scenario in mind. It sends a warm pressure tingling throughout my entire body.
The more I work, the more my imagination is set free. I’m so locked in that the significance of what’s happening hardly hits me until a low grunt comes from the doorway.
When I turn around, I see Aiden standing there, not so wounded, drawing my attention away from the fantasy and back to reality.
He smiles and I can’t help but smile back. I wonder if he can see the daydream on my face. If he recognizes the realization unfolding inside of me. Because, for the first time, I can actually picture myself being a mob boss’s wife.
Being his wife.
And I kind of like it.
