My heart aches for Zanders. The things people have been saying about him are so hard to read. Just because he’s a famous athlete doesn’t mean he’s not human. It doesn’t mean he can’t get hurt.
All day, the internet has been criticizing him and reenforcing his biggest fear—that his fans won’t love him once they learn there’s more to him than the notorious troublemaker.
Thankfully, by now, I think he knows that’s not true.
While the comments are hurtful towards Zanders as an athlete, the comments directed at me are disgustingly cruel but solely about my body.
These people don’t know me. They don’t even know what I look like. All they saw was my shape, hidden behind a coat, but because my boyfriend is well-known, they think they can shame my body for not being the same as the women they were accustomed to seeing him with before.
I’m not going to lie. It hurts.
The words are ones that I’ve said to myself for years. They’re ones that my passive-aggressive mother and shallow friends have thought but never voiced. But when tens of thousands of strangers reinforce the negative thoughts you’ve been working so hard to clear from your mind, those words become cement, finding every crevice, settling in, and affecting every thought.
I have a famous brother, and I hid from his spotlight for years because I knew I couldn’t handle the attention. But the spotlight found me, and as much as the comments hurt, I’ve grown enough over the last six months to compartmentalize them to a certain extent. Hurt people hurt people, and a lot of what they’re saying really isn’t about me.
Don’t get me wrong, they’ve been echoing and repeating in my head all day, but at this point, there’s nothing I can do but try to move forward.
“Any luck?” Ryan asks from the couch opposite me. His laptop is open, fingers typing and scrolling away.
“There’s nothing local.” I squint at my own computer screen. “There are companies based in Boston and Seattle, but that’s about it for flying.”
“Well, that’s out of the question. You’re not leaving Chicago.”
Separately, we continue to search the internet for local job postings. I left Zanders’ place this morning because I wanted my brother’s advice. As someone who is accustomed to the limelight, I needed his guidance on what to do next, and as soon as I got home, Ryan and I jointly concluded that it was time for me to start looking for a new job.
Even though no one knows I’m the girl from the photo, it’s only a matter of time before my name is released. It might not be today, and it might not be from last night’s picture, but eventually, it’ll come out. Zanders and I can’t live in secret for his entire career.
I turned my phone off as soon as I made it back to the apartment, knowing I couldn’t handle reading any more of the nasty comments online. The ones about me are horribly mean, but those about Zanders hurt worse, and reading ugly words about your favorite person is a special form of torture I don’t want to experience again. I’ve been frustrated with his reputation, and things have become progressively more disheartening over the last few weeks. But it all came to a head this morning, and I couldn’t help but let out my emotions from being overwhelmingly sad for him.
Zanders is tough. He’s got a thick skin, and he’s been doing this for years. But this is all new to me, and I’m not sure how much longer I can handle people being blinded from what a huge heart that man has.
I want nothing more than for him to open up to the world and tell the truth. If they don’t like him because there’s more to him than they assumed, and if they don’t want to root for him because he’s more fun to root against…well, that says more about them than it does about Zanders.
“What are your thoughts about getting out of the airline industry altogether and doing something else?” Ryan peeks over his computer screen.
“I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know what else I’d do. I don’t really want to work a nine-to-five job because then I’ll only be at the shelter on the weekends. That’s what I love about flying. I could be off for days or weeks at a time.”
“Has your coworker reached out? The one in charge.”
“I’m not sure. I turned my phone off as soon as I got home.”
“Then you might be in the clear. You have some time to figure it out. If the team keeps winning, there’s only a couple of weeks of the season left. You might be okay until summer, and even if you’re not, you know I’ll help you out with whatever you need.”
“They’re going to keep winning,” I assure him.
My words are more so a reminder to myself than to Ryan. A lot of today’s concerns have been how those disgusting comments will affect Zanders during the last couple of weeks of the most crucial season of his career. He’s so close to the finals. He’s so close to a new contract. I don’t want him to doubt himself when he’s playing so great.
And even if he has to keep up appearances for the end of a season until Chicago gives him a new contract, we’ll just deal with it. We’re so close to the end.
“Maybe I can get you a job with my team?”
“Absolutely not.”
Before Ryan can argue, a knock at the door draws our attention. We both look towards the entryway before our questioning glances find each other again.
“I’ll get it.”
“Look out the peephole before you open the door, Vee.” Concern laces Ryan’s voice. After everything that happened last night and this morning, he’s been more protective than usual. But our building is as secure as it gets. It’s not like a random reporter is standing in the hall, waiting to interrogate me.
Looking through the peephole, the most stunning man stands behind the wooden barrier with a hood over his head and his shoulders sagging. But even if I couldn’t see his face, I’d recognize him anywhere. His commanding presence makes him hard to miss, even though his posture is a bit defeated at this moment.
“Zee, what are you doing here? Did anyone see you come up?” My head is on a swivel as I open the door, checking the empty hallway behind him, but as my attention makes it back to Zanders, my heart sinks.
His hazel eyes I’ve become accustomed to seeing shine are dull and pulled away from mine. His cheeky smile that melts me every time it comes out is nowhere to be found.
“I tried to call, but your phone went straight to voicemail.” His tone is much softer than usual. “Can I come in?”
Stepping out of the way, I widen the opening for him to come inside. As Zanders enters, he keeps his head low, unable to look at either my brother or me. My eyes dart to Ryan’s as we share a quick, unspoken conversation.
“I told Dom I’d meet him for a quick shootaround, so I’ll leave you guys to it.” Ryan stands from the couch, grabbing his gym bag and darting for the door.
“Ryan,” Zanders interjects before pausing a beat. “I’m sorry about the headlines.”
My brother nods in understanding before closing the door behind him and leaving us alone.
“Zee, what happened?” I run a soothing hand down his arm, but his eyes screw shut from the contact, making the knot in my stomach grow.
He doesn’t answer.
I take a seat on the couch, needing to make myself more comfortable for this uncomfortable conversation. “Do you want to sit?” I pat the seat next to me.
He shakes his head without saying a word, all the while refusing to look at me.
“Zee, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”
Finally, his hazel eyes give way, finding mine and allowing me to see the endless world of guilt within them as his brows crease with regret.
My throat is tight, and my stomach seems hollow. It hurts already.
“Don’t,” I warn. “Please don’t.”
He inhales a deep breath. “Vee—”
“No,” I desperately cut him off. “You can’t do this.”
“Vee, you know how much you mean to me.”
“Stop. Please don’t do this,” I beg.
He hesitates before averting his attention to the wall. “You and I…we just—” He shakes his head, unable to get the rest of the words out.
“Because of the pictures? We’ll be more careful. I’ll…I’ll be more careful.”
“It’s not just the pictures.” Zanders squeezes his eyes shut, and when they reopen, all emotion is gone. He stands across the room from me, staring off, unable to make eye contact. “Let’s be honest. We knew there was going to be an end to us eventually.”
“What? No, we didn’t know that! I didn’t know that!” I stand from the couch, the desperation taking over. “Not once did I think there was an end to us, Zee.”
“Come on, Stevie. You knew who I was the whole time. This is always going to be me. You had the right impression when we first met. I thought I could change, but I can’t.”
“Is this because of what people are saying online?”
He quickly shakes his head.
“Then what is it? Because just this morning you said that everything would be okay. You promised it would be okay.” I cover my mouth to silence whatever strangled noises are trying to break free. “Please, don’t do this.”
“I just…I can’t do this anymore.” The man standing in front of me is not the same man I spent the last few months falling for. I don’t know where he is, but he’s not here.
I don’t know the right words to say. I don’t know the right words that’ll stop this. “Did I do something wrong?” my voice squeaks out.
Finally, he shows a moment of emotion. Pain covers his expression as his eyes screw shut, turning his body slightly away from me. He shakes his head as he swallows, unable to speak.
“Can I fix it?”
Slowly shaking his head again, he bites down on his lip, keeping his eyes on anything but me.
“Look at me!” I desperately yell from across the room. “If you’re going to break my heart, at least watch while you do it.”
His hazels find me, allowing me to read him for the first time since he started this conversation. He’s lying. He doesn’t often lie, so he’s real shit at it when he tries. And right now, he’s lying.
“Did your agent say something?”
No response. Zanders doesn’t shake his head. He doesn’t say a word because I’m right.
“What happened? Is it because you’re with me? Are you not going to get re-signed because of me?”
“It’s not because of you,” Zanders finally speaks. “But I can’t do this anymore.”
“Why?”
He releases a deep, resigned sigh. “I don’t have an answer for you, Vee—”
“Don’t call me that,” I snap. “You don’t get to call me that while you do this.”
Another sharp breath. “Stevie, I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“Well, you’re doing a terrible job.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re going to continually get hurt from being with me.”
“This is because of what people are saying online, isn’t it?” I blow out a condescending, knowing laugh. “You’re doing this because of what strangers are saying.”
Again, he doesn’t respond, giving me the answer.
Every single part of my body aches. My heart hurts. My lungs are shallow. My eyes burn. The man who lifted me up with his words, who has been so adamant about reminding me that I’m enough, that drowned out everyone else’s noise, is now listening to what others have to say.
Swallowing, I attempt to hold back the emotions that want to escape, but they’re on the verge, and it’s getting too difficult to restrain them. “Are you embarrassed by me?” my voice cracks on the last word, making it almost inaudible.
Finally, Zanders’ stoic expression melts as he takes a quick stride towards me, his tone frantic. “Stevie, absolutely not—”
I hold my hands up in front of me, wanting to maintain my distance and keep him from coming any closer.
“The last word I would ever use to describe the way I feel about you is embarrassed.” His eyes are pleading for me to believe him. “I was so proud to be with you.”
Was.
“Why are you doing this?”
Again, he doesn’t answer as he stays still, staring at me, silently begging me to accept it.
“Answer me!”
“Because I can’t change! I can’t change who I am or how people view me. This reputation is going to follow me around for the rest of my career, and I refuse to bring you down with it.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“I’m telling you the truth!”
“No, you’re telling me a version of the truth. But the real truth is, you could start being honest about who you are. You could stop with the act, but you won’t because you’re afraid you’ll end up on a different team. You’re worried that if you let fans see the real you, they won’t like it, and Chicago won’t re-sign you, is that it?”
I don’t know why I’m asking. I already know.
I shake my head at him in disappointment as a disbelieving laugh escapes me. “You’re a coward, EZ.”
His eyes dart to me. “Do not call me EZ. That’s not me.”
“Is it not? Because that’s the role you seem hell-bent on playing. Easy to manipulate. Easy to control.”
Zanders’ act completely crumbles in front of me. The emotions he typically wears on his sleeve have been hidden since he came over, but finally, they make an appearance. He’s defeated, and for a man that commands every room, he’s small in this apartment.
“Stevie, I’ll be alone if I have to move teams.” His powerful voice breaks. “My family is here, and I’ve lost my family before. I’ve been alone, and I can’t go through it again.”
“You never would’ve been alone. I would’ve followed you anywhere.”
Confusion colors Zanders’ face. “No, you wouldn’t have. Ryan is here. The shelter is here. There’s no way you’d leave.”
“I would’ve followed you anywhere, but you never asked.”
Guilt is evident in his expression, as if he’s rethinking his decision. A shocked breath hitches in his chest as his eyes stay locked on mine.
Zanders slowly steps my way, and this time, I let him. I don’t stop him when he opens his arms and wraps them around my shoulders with his crushing hold.
Burying my head into his chest, I inhale his scent, trying to memorize it for when he goes, but at the same time, I hold out hope that it’ll be unnecessary because there won’t be days without him.
His soft lips slowly dot kisses up my neck and across my jaw, each one burning my skin with the thought that it could be the last time I feel them. His kiss lingers slightly longer on my cheek as I melt into his touch, needing him to want me. Love me.
Choose me.
I need him to change his mind. Part of me is convinced I can feel him changing his mind in the way he’s holding me. Like he’ll never let go, and I’d be perfectly okay with that.
He places one more desperate kiss on the corner of my lips, and I know that’s it.
“I’m sorry, Vee,” he whispers as my heart shatters, any hope I had, lost.
With that, he lets go, turning his back on me to walk out of my apartment.
“Why’d you let me fall in love with you?” I call out from across the room as the tears begin to fall down my cheeks without permission.
That causes Zanders to pause partway to the front door, his back to me.
“You said I was your first choice, and I believed you.”
Zanders’ back vibrates with a strangled breath before he quickly wipes his sleeve across his face and leaves my apartment.
As soon as the door closes behind him, every emotion I wasn’t doing a good job of hiding comes flooding to the surface, overwhelming me as I curl up on the couch, allowing the pain of what I just lost to wash over me.
