Two days in, and the apartment hunt is a bust so far. Anything nice and in a good area is out of my price range. I’d have to commute or live in a dump, neither of which I want to do. Truthfully, I don’t want to do any of it. I don’t want to be here, which makes finding a place to live all the more difficult.
My mind is on Chicago, and my heart is in Pittsburgh.
Zanders and the team are there, and I didn’t realize I would feel this much disappointment in missing the finals, but I do. This whole season, traveling with them, watching them climb the ranks and win series after series, made me feel like I was a part of it. And now, with the final series underway, I’m across the country, over two thousand miles away, completely out of the loop.
What was the vibe when the guys got on board this morning? Were they nervous? Excited? Focused? What song did Rio blast as he walked down the aisle to his seat?
How is Zanders doing after he saw his mom yesterday?
I want all the answers, and I could easily get them if I replied to one of Zanders’ endless texts or phone calls. He hadn’t reached out once since he ended things, but I’d imagine when he got on the plane this morning and realized I wasn’t there after I said I would be, his plan went straight out the window.
My hotel room is cold, bleak, and dark, but the city right outside is lively and bright, bursting with people. When I stepped outside earlier, the fresh ocean breeze filled my nostrils with its salty scent as well as a waft of fresh coffee and flowers.
I don’t want any of it.
I want the smell of Zanders’ penthouse right after breakfast gets delivered because neither of us knows how to cook. I miss the scent of SDOC right after everyone’s weekly baths when the whole building smells like shampoo. I’d even take the waft of my disgusting brother coming home from practice over this.
I want Chicago, but I’m here.
I guess I should go outside and explore my future city, but instead, I’m lying in my bed, mid-afternoon, watching my phone as Zanders’ texts continue to roll in.
I haven’t seen his name on my screen in far too long, and I missed it.
I miss him.
Zee (Daddy) Zanders: Stevie, please answer.
Zee (Daddy) Zanders: Can you call me?
Zee (Daddy) Zanders: Vee, I’m freaking the fuck out right now. Will you please talk to me?
Once again, his name flashes across my phone as Zanders’ handsome face fills my screen with a picture of one of our lazy mornings together. The photo is one I snapped. He’s in bed, shirtless, eyes closed but awake with a knowing smile on his lips.
Every part of me misses every part of him and our lives together.
Which is precisely what causes me to answer my phone.
“Stevie?” His voice is sad and broken.
I hold the phone tightly to my ear, closing my eyes from hearing the pain in his tone.
“Please don’t go,” he begs.
I don’t know what to say to that, so I stay silent.
“I thought you were going to be here today. I thought you got fired, but you quit? Stevie, I’m begging you, please don’t move. I need you.”
I sink into my mattress, the phone held tightly to my ear. Taking a deep breath, I let Zanders’ words wash over me. It’s something I wanted, needed to hear, but didn’t believe I ever would again. The only thing he’s said to me since we broke up is that he wanted to talk, and in that time, not once did I allow myself to get my hopes up for more. Why would I? The last thing he said was goodbye.
“What about what I need?” I gently ask. “Zee, you broke up with me. You couldn’t expect me to sit around and wait, hoping you’d change your mind.”
“I was just trying to protect you,” he softly admits, defeat evident in his voice.
“I know. I figured that out, but it doesn’t hurt any less, knowing you’d let me go so easily.”
“I didn’t want you to have to deal with the ugly parts of being in my life.” His voice breaks. “I was trying to protect you.”
“You can’t protect everyone from everything. You should’ve trusted that I could stand up for myself. You taught me to stand up for myself.”
Silence lingers between us. “Do you want to be in Seattle?” he finally asks. “You don’t even like flying all that much. What about the shelter? What about Ryan?”
“I just want to feel better.”
“I miss you so much. I can’t even function properly.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “How do you sound so okay?”
“I’m not. I’m nowhere near being okay, but what am I supposed to do? Wait around, hoping you’ll want me one day?”
“I’ve always wanted you, Stevie.”
“Then why’d you let me go?”
I can hear him swallow down his emotions through the phone. “It felt like everything was crashing down on us, you know? I was so messed up the day everything came out. I had no control over what people were saying about you. I was trying to fix something, anything. I didn’t want you to lose your job.”
“I didn’t care about my job!”
“Well, I did!” He calms his voice. “Vee, for the first time in my life, this season, the road felt like home because you were with me, and selfishly, I wasn’t ready to lose that. I needed to know you’d be there with me.”
My throat is thick, keeping me from responding. My eyes are burning from tears I’ve refused to shed for days, but also, I’m angry that he would make that decision for me.
“And I was afraid that you were going to leave altogether.” His voice is soft, almost inaudible. “Everything was so good, too good, and the last time I felt that comfortable relying on someone to stay in my life, she left me.”
Everything hurts. His voice hurts. The emptiness hurts.
I never would’ve left him. If Zanders asked me to be in his life forever, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat, but I don’t necessarily blame him for reacting how he did. In his most formative years, the woman who was supposed to stay and love him didn’t, but I’m not her.
Regardless of my understanding, I have to look out for myself. He left me when all I wanted was to be allowed to love him and maybe have him love me in return.
“Did you really invite her over yesterday?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
He takes a deep breath, filling his lungs. “Yeah. I think I am. I cut ties with her. I should’ve done it a long time ago, but I wasn’t ready until now.”
A pause lingers between us. “I’m proud of you, Zee.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course, I am.”
“I was going to tell you about my mom and everything else today. I just needed to talk to you.”
“Well, you’re talking to me now.”
“Can I come to you? Maybe I can get on a plane between games one and two. Maybe I can skip the press conferences and media stuff.” His tone is frantic, words rushing together.
“You know you can’t do that. No one would allow you to do that.”
“I can’t lose you, Stevie.”
The buzz from the air-conditioning unit fills the room with its white noise, helping to drown out the silence.
“You left me,” my voice cracks. “I never would’ve left you.”
“Please, I’m begging you, don’t leave me now.”
“Zee, look at it from my point of view. You spent months building me up, being proud of me, making me proud of myself, then the second anyone found out about me, you ran. Do you know how terrible that makes me feel? I just wanted you to choose me, choose us regardless of what people had to say.”
He stays silent on the other end.
“Do you know what it feels like to watch someone walk out the door after you begged them to stay?”
Once again, he doesn’t answer.
The memories of my words flash through my mind. Why’d you let me fall in love with you? It was humiliating the first time he walked out after I said it, but what’s another round of embarrassment?
“It was simple. I wanted you to love me.”
His silence is deafening, telling me everything I need to know, causing my heart to shatter all over again.
“I wanted you to let me love you, but you can’t, can you? I don’t think you know how to trust someone else to love you unconditionally.”
“Vee,” he finally speaks. “I just…”
The quiet line lingers between us for far too long.
“I don’t know how to do that.”
My eyes close from the pain vibrating through my entire body, confirming what I already knew. As much as I love him, how could we live a life together where he doesn’t believe that I do?
“Good luck tomorrow night.”
“Stevie—”
I hang up before he can say anything else.
