* Trigger warning – The sensitive issue of fertility is discussed in this epilogue.
Kate
The private jet touches down and I hunch my shoulders up in excitement as I look over at my new husband. “Where are we?”
He winks and taps the side of his nose.
“You are still not telling me where we are going for our honeymoon?”
“Not yet.”
“Well at least tell me what country are we in?”
“Nope.”
“Elliot.” I laugh. “Come on, this is ridiculous.”
He leans over, takes my face in his hands, and kisses me softly. “It’s called a surprise, Kate.” His lips linger over mine.
“I love it already.” I smile.
“You do?”
“Uh-huh and I love you.”
He smiles against my lips. “I love you too.”
The plane taxis to its eventual resting place and I sit back and smile, so much has happened. So many magical memories have been made.
I got married to my dream man, on a dreamy farm, and now he has some colossal surprise for me and I have no idea what it is.
Only that he’s really excited about it, which means it must be special because Elliot only gets excited about super-special romantic things.
We climb off, I’m instantly hit with cool air and I frown as I look around.
“Where is this place?”
Elliot smiles and gestures to the black car that is waiting on the tarmac.
“Into the car, my love. We have a long drive ahead of us.”
“We do?” I frown as I look around. Where the actual fuck are we?
For some reason I just assumed we would go somewhere hot and tropical.
“Are we in Japan?” I ask.
“I don’t know, are we?”
“Elliot,” I laugh. “Come on, tell me.”
“You’ll find out soon enough, into the car, Miss Impatience.”
“It’s Mrs. Miles, actually.”
He gives me the best come-fuck-me look of all time. “That’s right, it is.”
He kisses me, a little tongue, and a whole lot of naughty promise. “Mrs.
Miles has a ring to it, doesn’t it?”
I hold up my hand and show him my wedding ring. “Sure does.”
He chuckles and opens the car door for me and I scoot on in.
The car comes to a halt and I peer out the window.
What the heck is this place?
Elliot gets out and opens my door and helps me out of the car, I look around in question. “Where are we?”
Elliot’s eyes glow with affection. “I thought that seeing your parents couldn’t come to our wedding, they should choose our honeymoon.”
I frown.
“We’re at the Inca Trail.”
My eyes widen and I look around. “This is…you mean?”
He nods.
Tears instantly well in my eyes, doing this trek was my parents’ biggest goal in life. It was their bucket list trip, the one they never got to take. “Oh Elliot,” I cry.
“Stop with the blubbering,” sounds from behind me, I turn in a rush to see Brad, my brother, and my face falls again.
“I thought Brad should be here to do this with you,” Elliot says softly.
“With us.”
My heart free-falls from my chest.
Just when you think you couldn’t love someone any more than you do.
I screw up my face in tears, Elliot is sharing his honeymoon with my brother so that we can take our parents’ dream trip together.
My heart swells in my chest, this is the most beautiful, thoughtful gift of love that anyone could ever give me.
Of course Elliot did this, it’s so him.
“I love you so much.” I jump into Elliot’s arms. “You are the most romantic man of all time.” I kiss him. “I love you.” I kiss him again. “I love you. I love you.”
Elliot and Brad chuckle at my over-the-top reaction.
“Don’t be fooled,” Brad replies. “He brought me so I could carry his ass up the hill.”
I laugh through tears. “Probably.”
Elliot
The morning sun filters through the kitchen, flickering beams of gold splay generously across the timber parquetry floors. It’s chilly this morning and I rub my hands together as I wait for my coffee to pour.
I look through the window down to the sandstone building at the bottom of the hill, Kate wasn’t in bed when I woke this morning and I know exactly where she is. We converted one of the old buildings on the property into the perfect art studio.
Kate’s happy place.
I make my two cups of coffee, put my gum boots on and head off in search of my girl.
I trudge down the hill and pass our goats on the top paddock, we have a family of four now. Gretel and Billy have been busy and blissfully quiet, it seems regular sex will keep even the naughtiest of goats well behaved. He’s a new man…goat.
I keep walking down the hill, it’s so cold that when I breathe, puffs of fog fill the air. I put the cups down on the steps and roll open the huge heavy door and smile, I stand for a moment and watch her; she’s working on a huge painting and my god…is it beautiful.
Kate is my favorite thing on earth and her paintings are my second favorite, the fact that one makes the other is simply incredible.
She catches me from the corner of her eye. “Hey.” She smiles.
“Good morning. Missed you this morning.”
She walks over and kisses me. “I didn’t want to wake you.”
I pass over her cup of coffee and smile up at the painting in awe. “I thought Sunday was a rest day.”
“It is, but this isn’t work, is it?”
“My god, Kate. It’s perfection.” I sigh dreamily.
She flicks her unruly hair out of the way. “You like it?”
“I love it.” My eyes roam over the huge abstract, she’s been working on it for weeks and every time I see it, it gets better.
“I love you.” She smiles. “I’ve been thinking.”
I sip my coffee. “About what?”
“I think I want to go off the pill.”
I frown. “What?”
She shrugs. “I think it’s time.”
My eyebrows rise in surprise.
“What do you think?”
“That’s the furthest thing from my mind.”
Her face falls. “Oh.”
Sensing her disappointment, I put my coffee down and take her into my arms. “I just found you, call me selfish, but I want you to myself for a while.”
“You didn’t just find me.” She smiles. “We’ve been married for eighteen months, El.”
“And what a perfect eighteen months it has been, it isn’t that long, is it?”
“It is.”
“Feels like a minute.” I exhale heavily, I knew this conversation would come one day and to be honest, I’ve been dreading it. “Don’t you like our life as it is?”
“I do.”
“So why change it?”
“I know you want children.”
“Maybe not.” I shrug. “Who knows what the future brings?”
She frowns and pulls out of my arms. “What?”
“I don’t know, I feel complete. I want for nothing; my life is perfect how it is. We travel whenever we want, we do whatever we want. We have no ties and I love the freedom of it being just us.”
She stares up at me.
“You won’t be able to just pop down here and paint for ten hours, having a baby would change ours and especially your entire life, and you need to really think about this.”
She nods. “You’re right.”
I kiss her softly. “I don’t need to have children. It’s not a must-have bucket list thing for me.”
She stares up at me as she listens, this is the first time I’ve been honest with her on this subject.
“My life feels complete, the day I married you everything clicked into place and I got a sense of finality.”
Her face falls. “You don’t think we are going to have children, do you?”
“I’m not sure,” I whisper softly.
“What brought this on, is this your gut instincts telling you this?”
I stay silent.
She stares at me and then frowns. “You think that we won’t be able to have a baby and have made peace with it already, haven’t you?”
I stare at her, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
“Sweetheart, isn’t our family of two enough?” I ask.
She twists her lips, seemingly annoyed.
“We don’t need children to be happy, we’re already happy.”
“I know.”
“And just because having a baby is the normal for everyone else, it doesn’t mean that we have to do it.” I brush the hair back from her forehead as I look down at her. “Life is perfect as it is.”
She nods and stares into space, and I know I’ve lost her. Her mind is off on a tangent.
Or maybe she’s just pissed….
“We go to Paris tomorrow,” I remind her.
She smiles and nods. “Yep.”
“Why don’t you come up to the house and I’ll make us some breakfast.”
“I’m not really hungry.” She kisses me softly. “I’ll be up later.”
“Okay.”
She goes back to painting and I stand at the door and watch her with a heavy heart.
I want her to have everything in life that she’s ever wanted, but for some reason and I don’t even know why, my gut tells me this is the one thing we won’t get.
I can’t watch her suffer throughout the process; it will kill me.
I make my way up to the house; I’m going to make her breakfast anyway.
It’s a chocolate pancake kind of day.
Kate
Paris.
“You nearly ready to go, babe?” Elliot calls.
“Just a minute.” I call. I turn and look at my behind and then turn back to the front and stare at my reflection. Who is that girl in the mirror?
My hair is out and full and I’m wearing red lipstick.
My outfit consists of a black tight pencil skirt, black cashmere fitted top, patent leather sky high pumps and my gold Rolex watch.
Dressed in Chanel from head to toe, I’m hardly recognizable.
It’s weird, you know. When I first started dating Elliot I never thought I would dress this way, or ever own a fancy handbag. I thought that everything he owned was stupidly overpriced and wanky, don’t get me wrong, it still is.
But little by little you get used to having money, to owning ridiculously expensive designer things. Elliot said something one day when we first met whilst shopping and it stayed with me.
If you give the paparazzi something to talk about, be it your clothes or your shoes or your watch …then they don’t talk about you.
And he was right, they’ve left me alone.
Elliot comes around the door, his eyes drop to my toes and back up to my face, he gives me a slow sexy smile and does a low whistle.
“Fuck, my wife is hot.” He steps forward, takes me into his arms and kisses me, his tongue brushing against mine. “Are you ready to go and sell some paintings Harriet Boucher?” He squeezes my behind in his hands as his lips drop to my neck.
I stretch my neck to give him better access and smile as his teeth graze my skin, “I am.”
We decided to keep the pseudonym Harriet Boucher, although we have let out my true name.
Elanor went to prison for eight months for fraud. She was forced to pay back the money she stole, although only half of it was ever recovered because she’d spent the rest of it. She’s going out with some famous Formula One driver now and seems happy enough.
I call her on her birthday and Christmas. She doesn’t call me ever. One
day I will completely let go of the dream of trying to salvage our relationship.
But for now, she’s still my sister who has just lost her way. I’m hoping she returns to the Elanor I once loved.
Elliot hates her with a passion, there is no chance ever of a reconciliation between the two of them.
“Come on.”
I grab my purse and he takes my hand in his, “Let’s go.”
Elliot
The crowd hushes as Kate walks through the art gallery, she eclipses everyone in the room.
I’m used to people staring at my brothers and I, but Kate…. she’s an enigma. She doesn’t have any idea just how talented she is.
But they do, and so do I.
I’m just the lucky prick that she happened to fall in love with.
“Auction number fifteen.” The auctioneer calls. “We have a Harriet Boucher painted by Katherine Miles.”
The room falls silent and I smile proudly as adrenaline surges through my system, I will never get enough of this.
Seeing her heart come through in the paintings, watching them fall in love with her through paint splayed on a canvas.
Knowing that she was calling to me all along.
It’s here, in the art galleries, where I see her paintings hanging on the wall, being admired by all, that I count my blessings a million times over.
For not so long ago, I would stare at her paintings for hours and wish for her to come true.
And she did.
In beautiful technicolor.
“This is the most precious work we have seen tonight.” The auctioneer calls.
Kate smiles bashfully and fuck, my heart somersaults in my chest.
“Can we start the bidding at three hundred thousand?”
I look over to my private bidder and rub my nose, our secret code for yes.
He holds up his card.
“Three hundred thousand.”
It doesn’t matter that I married Kate Landon or Harriet Boucher or that she’s my wife Kate Miles, nothing has changed. I have to have all of her paintings, every single one of them and damn it, nothing can stop me.
Not even her.
She won’t let me bid, tells me that I can have them for free, so I secretly hire someone to do it for me. While ever the prices are still going up at auction, it only makes her collection more valuable.
“Seven twenty.”
“Nine hundred.”
Kate bites her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling.
I run my hand through my hair. “One point one.” My bidder calls.
“One point four.” A woman calls.
I smile at the ground, I love that this woman loves it, I bid against her at every auction. It’s almost tempting to let her have it.
Almost….
I rub my nose again, “One point six.” My bidder calls.
The room hushes as they wait for the next bid.
“One point six two.” The woman calls.
I nod.
“One point six five.” My bidder calls.
The lady laughs and shakes her head, “I’m out.”
“One point six five, once.” The auctioneer calls, “One point six five, twice.” His voice is loud and echoing through the art gallery. “Last call, one point six five… sold.” He slams down his hammer.
Kate shakes her head in disbelief and I put my arm around her,
“Look at you go, baby.” I whisper. “Congratulations.”
“I can’t believe it.”
“I can. You’re amazing.”
Kate
“Could there be a more perfect night?” I smile dreamily as we walk hand in hand into our penthouse. We are met with a glass wall overlooking the twinkling lights of Paris.
Elliot’s eyes hold mine, he has that look in them.
The one that I love.
His lips take mine as he walks me backwards. “What was so good about it?”
“The art auction, dinner overlooking the Eiffel Tower, a date with the world’s hottest man.”
He kisses me as he backs me up to the wall, his lips take mine with urgency.
I glance over to see a crystal vase with a huge bunch of red roses sitting on the counter with a white card, “What does the card say?” I ask.
“Suck your husband’s cock.” He murmurs against my lips.
I giggle because I know in reality it says something desperately romantic about how proud he is of me, he can’t help himself.
He does it every auction.
I drop to my knees and unzip his pants, with my eyes locked on his I slide the top of his cock into my mouth, he inhales sharply as he watches on.
His hands grip my hair as we get into a rhythm as he fucks my mouth hard, and no matter how many times I do this, bringing Elliot Miles undone is my favorite thing in the world.
He shudders and I smile around him, “Don’t you dare fucking come.”
I sit on a stool at the bar and listen to Elliot speak to a man. They are laughing and chatting in fluent French and I have to say that hearing him speak the native language does things to my libido. It fires it up like a blazing volcano.
The man smiles over at me and picks up my hand and kisses the back of it. “Good day, Kate, lovely to meet you.”
“You too. Goodbye.” I watch as he then goes back to his table.
“Sorry.” Elliot smiles as he runs his hand up my leg. “That conversation went longer than I thought.”
“How do you know him?”
“He used to be a neighbor of our penthouse here in Paris.”
“Oh.” I turn and watch the man for a moment, he’s suave and handsome and the woman he is with is gorgeous. “What does he do?”
“He owns a record label.”
“Really?” I frown, fascinated. “You sure know some interesting people.”
“I do.” His mischievous eyes hold mine. “You know I married an artist that I had been admiring from afar for years?”
“Did you?”
“I did.” He kisses my fingertips. “Although I always knew that I would.”
I smirk over at him and lean onto my hand. “Did you really though?”
He takes a sip of his wine. “I actually did, although when I didn’t know it was you I was totally confused because reality wasn’t matching up with my gut instinct.” He frowns. “I have this weird sixth sense thing going on and it’s never ever wrong.”
I smile dreamily as I listen.
“It’s like I already know what is meant for me and what is not.” He sips his wine and frowns as if contemplating something. “Like I already know, I’m going to blow hard tonight.”
“That’s a no-brainer.” I giggle. “You blow hard every night.”
He raises his glass to me and throws me a sexy wink.
I sip my wine and fall silent as my mind begins to wander; I haven’t stopped thinking about his reaction to me wanting to go off the pill.
It was unexpected and it’s thrown me.
“What?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Nothing.”
He raises an eyebrow, ugh, I can’t hide anything from this man, he can read me like a book.
“Well it’s just….” I spin my wine glass on the table by the stem as I try to articulate my thoughts.
“Just what?”
“Your reaction to me wanting a baby has thrown me a little. I thought….”
I shrug. “I thought we were on the same page with this.”
“I’m twenty-nine and you are thirty-six, we are not getting any younger, El.”
His eyes glow with a tenderness. “I never said I don’t want a baby, only that I don’t need one.”
“You really think we are not going to be able to have one, don’t you?”
He shrugs. “I’m scared of the process, I guess.”
“Why?”
“Kate, the contraceptive pill holds your endometriosis at bay. You’ve had numerous surgeries and also have polycystic ovaries. I watch you nearly die while in so much pain every month, I can’t imagine how bad you will suffer if not on the pill.”
“That’s what you’re worried about?”
“Of course I worry about it. I don’t want you to suffer to give me a baby out of obligation. Fuck that, I would rather you be pain free and happy. I don’t need a kid.”
I smile as my heart flutters. “I love you.”
He leans over and kisses me. “I love you more.”
“In a lot of cases, endo improves with pregnancy. Although it may be a little harder to fall in the beginning.” I take his hand in mine. “We can do it, I know we can. I want to try.”
He exhales heavily.
I smile over at my beautiful husband, so thoughtful and caring. Always putting my needs before his.
“Kate….”
“It’s going to be okay, Elliot.”
His eyes search mine.
“I know you have a feeling that this isn’t going to work out, but I have faith that it will.”
“I can’t watch you suffer, Kate. I won’t let it happen for anything, not even a baby.”
“So….” I think for a moment. “We put a time limit on it. If I haven’t fallen naturally in three months we go down the IVF route.”
He steeples his finger up the side of his face as he listens. “And what then?”
“What do you mean, what then?”
“What’s the time limit for IVF?”
“Well, obviously I’ll fall on IVF.” I smile. “It’s a given.”
“And in the instance that you don’t, what’s the time limit?” he asks.
I smile, I know I’ve nearly got him. “Five years.”
“No, I am not wasting five years trying for a baby. One.”
“One.” I gasp. “One year isn’t long enough to give up trying for a baby, four.”
He shakes his head. “No. Two.”
I smile hopefully. “Three.”
He gives me the best come-fuck-me look of all time. “That’s a lot of head you have to give.”
I giggle. “It is.” I run my hand up his thigh and feel his thick quad muscle. “What do you think?”
He exhales heavily. “I think you could talk me into anything, that’s what I think.”
I smile hopefully. “So can we try?”
His eyes hold mine. “Babe….”
“I’m not going to suffer, I’ll be okay, El. I promise you, and if it gets too much we stop. I’m not a fool.”
“I know how stubborn you are.”
“Can we at least try, it’s going to be fun practicing either way?”
He twists his lips as he tries to hold in his smile. “On the condition that you give you me your word. Three years from this date.”
“Easy.” I smile goofily. “We could have three children in three years from this date.”
He winces as he imagines three crying babies and I laugh out loud, I take his hands in mine. “Let’s go home and fuck.”
He winks. “This I can do.”
“No anal.”
“What?” He frowns.
“We’re trying for a baby, anal is off the table for a while.”
“Not helping the cause, Kate,” he mutters dryly. “Aren’t you supposed to be talking me into this not out of it?”
I stand and pick up my bag. “I already did that, let’s go home.”
Elliot, as serious as all hell, sits at the kitchen table and reads the instructions again.
He holds the needle in his hand as he prepares to give me my first injection. He’s been practicing on oranges all week.
Today is the first day of IVF for us.
“Hurry up about it, just jab it in and get it over with.”
“You are not a cow, Kate; I’m not just jabbing it in.” He frowns as he concentrates on what he’s reading.
I take off my T-shirt and present my stomach to him. “Put it in here.” I point to a patch of skin.
He twists his lips as he looks over my stomach and then gets up and grabs an ice tray from the freezer.
“What’s that for?”
“I don’t want to bruise you.”
“Since when have you cared about bruising me, have you seen your finger marks on my hips?”
He smirks. “That was your husband who did that, he’s a fucking animal.
I’m your doctor.”
“Ahh, but I like to fuck my doctor like an animal too.”
“Stop being a pain-in-the-ass patient or I’m going to throw this needle in like a dart.”
I giggle and he puts the needle in position and I turn my head. “Just do it.”
I feel the sting as it slides through my skin and I hold my breath as I feel the liquid go in.
“Done.”
I exhale in relief, Elliot pulls me down onto his lap and we kiss, his lips linger over mine.
We are full of hope and even more in love than ever.
“Here we go, my hot doctor.” I smile against his lips.
His arms tighten around me. “Here we go, my fuckable patient.”
The phone rings and we hold our breath….
It’s been the best month; the hormone injections have turned me into Godzilla but Elliot has been his patient and loving self. Everything is falling into place and I have a good feeling about this. Elliot answers the phone and puts it on speaker.
“Hello, it’s Rosemary from the clinic.”
“Hi, Rosemary.”
“The blood tests are back.”
I close my eyes . Please, please, please.
“Unfortunately in this instance the test is negative.”
My heart sinks.
“Thanks for calling,” Elliot replies before hanging up.
Elliot kisses my temple, “Next month, babe.”
I smile sadly, I really thought it was this month. “Yep.”
“Do you want a coffee?” he asks as he stands.
“Yes please.”
He walks off into the kitchen and I stare at the phone and exhale heavily, I can’t help but be disappointed.
It’s fine. It’s just one month…so what? We go again next month.
It’s fine.
“Give me the phone and you go outside.” Elliot smirks.
I pass him the phone as it rings.
I can’t even be in the room for the phone calls anymore; it stresses me out too much and I nearly have a heart attack.
This is the month.
Six rounds of IVF and six disappointments. This one is lucky because it’s number seven, our lucky number.
I go outside and go for a walk down to the bottom paddock and visit Humphrey, our ram. He broke one of his horns attacking the fence post so we’ve been keeping a close eye on him. That will teach him not to be a psychopath.
Gretel is pregnant again; seems Billy just has to look her way and she’s up the duff.
If only.
I linger outside with my heart in my throat, I keep looking up to the house expecting to see Elliot come out to find me, because I know if he has good news he will.
But he’s not coming…and I know the results would be out by now.
I sit down on a rock and stare out over the farm. My chest is tight with a sense of dread, this is the one thing we cannot control.
And it’s fucking hard.
Infertility doesn’t discriminate, no matter how in love you are, how much of a great parent you’d make, what you earn or where you live.
It hits you like a truck, steals your heart and makes you feel like a failure.
I want a baby so badly that it hurts.
What if we never get one?
My eyes well with tears and I stare into space, eventually Elliot sits down on the rock beside me.
He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t have to.
We both sit on our rock in silence, together but alone, lost in our own world of regret.
Mourning another failed attempt but grateful that we have each other.
This sucks.
Elliot
Jameson puts his head around the door, “You want to grab some lunch.”
I exhale heavily, “I can’t, I’ve got to do something.”
“Such as?” He walks in, his interest piqued.
I open the top draw to my desk and hold up the specimen jar, “I’ve got to blow into this fucking cup.”
Jameson chuckles, “Sounds romantic.”
“Trust me, it’s not.” I roll my eyes, “I’m sick of this shit.”
“Do you want me to bring up some cocky boys for you on your computer?”
I fake a smile, “Gay porn is not going to get the job done.”
“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you.”
“You can’t.” I hear Kate say from the door, “But I can.”
“Hi Jay,” Kate smiles as she walks in, she’s wearing a trench coat and I have a sneaking suspicion that she has nothing on underneath it.
I feel my cock twinge in appreciation.
“Ahh, the calvary has arrived to help me with my errands.” I smile as I pull her down onto my lap.
Jameson smirks, “I’ll leave you to it.”
Kate
I sit on the step.
The sun is rising and Elliot is dressed in his killer suit, coffee in hand walking around the lake.
His gang of ducks waddling behind him.
Every now and then he will stop still as he looks around and he says something to them and I smile as I watch on.
What does he say?
It’s always magical here but mornings are something special, it really does become enchanted.
We are so blessed.
The grand ballroom is alive with laughter, we are at a charity ball.
Elliot is wearing a black dinner suit and I am pimped up to the nines, my hair is out and full and I’m in a black sexy dress with sky high stilettos. I used to loathe these things but now not so much, it gives us a chance to get dressed up and go on a fancy date.
Let’s face it, anytime Elliot Miles puts on a dinner suit it’s a gift to the world.
He runs his hand up my thigh under the table and gives me the look.
He’s so fucking gorgeous I can’t stand it.
We’ve had dinner, he’s spun me around the dance floor and dessert is just about to be served.
“So when are you two going to have a baby?” the woman across the table asks.
My stomach drops.
And there it is, the question on everyone’s lips.
“Not yet,” Elliot replies curtly.
We hardly know her. Why does she think it’s okay to ask such a personal question?
I fake a smile as my heart sinks. I want to crawl under the table and hide from the world.
Twelve failed rounds of IVF are bad enough to deal with.
But getting asked the question everywhere we go is a hard pill to swallow. Even the paps are weighing in on it now.
When are you having a baby?
A simple, harmless question with no malice intended. The result…a cut so deep that it goes straight to the bone.
If they only knew what was going on behind closed doors.
I can’t blame them, it’s a question that comes up and perhaps I’ve even asked someone the same insensitive thing before. It’s as if it’s a god-given right that everyone gets to choose…and hell, I only wish that were true.
Reality is setting in, this actually may not happen for us, and Elliot’s right, I need to prepare myself for it.
My heart is bleeding for every mom that didn’t get her baby.
For her dream of a family that didn’t come true.
For the dads that never got to go to the mini league game, the Santa Claus they didn’t get to play.
My mind goes round in circles, from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.
Everywhere I go I see them; pregnant woman are everywhere. With their big, beautiful tummies on display. Glowing and gorgeous.
Femininity personified.
And then there’s me, a walking nutjob with my hormones all over the place, laughing one minute and crying the next. Hearing a simple song can set me off on a crying tangent for three hours and don’t get me started on my raging temper.
I’m up, I’m down, I’m a one-woman fucking circus.
I’ve never felt like such a failure.
Getting a negative result is bad…but watching Elliot’s heart sink is….
worse.
I can feel his disappointment, sense all the words he doesn’t say.
It kills me.
It’s like we are on this roller coaster to hell, every month we start off optimistic.
Every month ends in disappointment, the cut a little bit deeper, a little bit wider.
An infection that is festering just under the surface.
Elliot says he can’t do this anymore, he’s had enough.
But I have to be strong, I can’t give up, my faith is strong, our happy ending is coming.
It has to.
Elliot
I pinch the skin on Kate’s stomach and slide the needle under her skin.
“I’m getting a pro at this.” I smirk. “I would have made a great doctor.”
Kate bends and kisses my head. “Dr. Love.”
I smile and stare up at Kate and sit back on my feet. “The last injection.”
She nods and smiles sadly. “I know.”
Twenty-four rounds of IVF over three years.
All failed.
This is our last try.
They call it unexplained infertility.
The eggs are great, the sperm is good, it goes great in a test tube but as soon as the embryo is transplanted it doesn’t take.
There is no reason.
I think it would be easier to take if there was, because then we would know what we were up against and we could fix it.
But this….
I stand and pull Kate to me for a hug, I hold her tight. “This is the last time, sweetheart.”
She nods through tears. “I know. I have faith it’s going to work out this time, El.” She smiles into my shoulder.
I squeeze her harder.
I wish I did.
“If this doesn’t work out, we move on with our lives, Kate. We can’t do this forever.”
“I know, baby.” She nods. “I gave you my word, this is it.”
“I have to go to work.” I sigh.
She gives me a lopsided smile as she straightens my tie. “Have a good day, Dr. Love.”
“I will.” I kiss her softly. “Paint me something amazing today.”
She smiles. “Don’t I always?”
I kiss her again and my hands go to her behind. “You do, actually.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I make my way out to the car and drive down the winding driveway.
My mind is running a million miles per minute.
I think I’m going to book a long vacation for the end of the month.
I guess it’s going to go one of two ways, we will either be celebrating the start of our new life or commiserating as we close the door on a dream.
Either way, we need a fresh start.
It’s time to start living again.
Kate
My phone buzzes in my bag and I dig it out, a familiar name lights up the screen.
Emily
“Hi, babe.”
“Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Nervous.” I hunch my shoulders up. Emily, my sister-in-law, has become my rock.
I’m close to all my sisters-in-law, but I have a special bond with Em. We are probably the most alike and she’s become one of my best friends, we speak every day.
“You should hear soon, right?”
“Yep.”
“Are you going to do a test today?”
“No, I’m going to wait until they call me. I just….” I exhale heavily. “I’m so nervous.”
“It’s going to be positive; I know it.”
I nod. “Yes, positive thoughts.” I smile hopefully. “You’re right.”
“Call me tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“How’s Elliot?” she asks.
“Quiet.”
“Jeez.”
“It will be fine, either way, we’ll be fine.” I smile hopefully.
“Yeah, you’re right. You will. It’s going to be fine. Love you.”
“You too, bye.”
I wake to a deep ache in my stomach and I roll onto my back and close my eyes.
No….
My period is coming.
I look over to Elliot who is sound asleep beside me and then back up at
So close….
A hot tear rolls down my face and into my ear.
I get a vision of what our family could have been….
I screw up my face in tears and roll into a fetal position on my side.
My heart aches.
How do you let go of a dream?
I should wake Elliot and tell him but what’s the point.
I’ll let him sleep.
I get up and go to the bathroom and get out a sanitary pad and stare at it in my hand, I screw up my face in tears.
I slide down the tiles and sit on the floor. In the darkness, alone….
I sob in silence.
Elliot
I roll over and put my arm out to Kate, her side of the bed is empty. I sit up onto my elbows. “Kate?” I call.
Silence….
“Kate?” I get out of bed and go in search of her. “Kate?” I walk into the bathroom and see a pack of her sanitary pads on the counter and my heart drops.
Fuck.
I walk back into the bedroom and sit on the bed, I put my head into my hands.
I don’t know how to make this better.
For a long time I sit, mustering up the courage to find her. Trying to think of the right thing to say when I do.
We are nothing special, this happens to a lot of people, I know that.
It’s just a lot more real when you go through it.
How long has she known?
Why didn’t she wake me? Is this all about her, is it?
Suddenly I’m angry.
I march downstairs and out to the art studio. As I get closer I can hear loud music playing. Heavy metal shit music, I’ve never heard her play this before.
I frown. What’s going on here? I slide open the big barn door to see her splatting paint all over the painting she’s been working on for weeks.
Ruining it.
“What the fuck are you doing?” I scream as my heart hammers in my chest.
“Getting on with it,” she yells over the horrendous music.
“By ruining your painting?”
“It’s my painting.”
I storm over and turn off the music. “Why the fuck didn’t you wake me?” I yell.
“So I didn’t have to see the disappointment on your face even earlier than I have to,” she cries as if losing control.
I glare at her. “It’s all about you…isn’t it?” I sneer.
“Are you happy now?” she cries through tears. “Are you fucking
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“You said all along that this was going to happen. Are you happy that
—” she holds her fingers up to air quote herself, “—your destiny has called, Congratulations Elliot, you got it right again. You never wanted a baby anyway. Admit it.”
I screw up my face in disgust. “Don’t you dare.”
“Do what. Speak the truth?”
“Go to hell.”
“I’m already there,” she screams like a mad woman; she turns and picks up a whole tin of paint and hurls it at the canvas. “Get out. ”
“Fuck. You.” I turn and march back to the house, I hear the heavy metal music blast back on.
Adrenaline is pumping through my body as I shower and get ready for work.
I am not being her punching bag for this fucking bullshit. I collect my things and storm to my car; I tear down the driveway.
I get to the T-intersection at the bottom of the driveway and come to a stop, I close my eyes, this morning couldn’t have gone any worse.
This is fucked.
Kate
Six days and six nights….
That’s how long since Elliot and I have spoken.
We both apologized for being horrible that morning, but that’s about it.
The house has been quiet and pensive.
We sit at the dining table and eat in silence, no words, no laughter, just animosity swimming between us. It’s better this way, I know that if we’re nice to each other we are both going to fall apart.
It’s easier being angry.
“We go to New York tomorrow for Tristan’s birthday, remember?” Elliot sighs.
“Yes.” I nod, it’s the last place I want to be, but I know it will cheer me up to see everyone. I’m trying to snap myself out of this mood but I just don’t seem to be able to.
We go away next week so I’m hoping we both turn the corner; we’ve never fought like this.
Elliot collects my plate with his and washes them both up, he walks past me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Good night, Kate.”
“Good night.”
I watch him disappear upstairs and I glance at my watch: 8 p.m. He’d rather go to bed than have to talk to me.
I exhale heavily, great.
The table is alive with chatter and laughter, family always cheers me up.
The kids are climbing all over the chairs, drinks are spilling and everything is chaos.
I’m so glad we came. After spending the afternoon with Emily I feel so much better, more like myself.
Elliot is sitting beside me and we still haven’t spoken but I know it’s going to be okay; we just needed some alone time to process everything.
It’s been a week from hell.
Our little family is staying at two, and slowly but surely I’m coming to grips with it.
Deep down I know Elliot is right, we can’t go on like this.
It’s no way to live.
I’m going to let go of any preconceived ideas of what my life should be.
Throw myself into painting and our farm and enjoy my beautiful man.
Because he deserves my best.
“We’ve got some news,” Tristan announces.
The table falls silent.
“Claire’s pregnant.”
What?
My heart stops and I fake a smile.
“Six kids.” Christopher gasps. “Jesus, you two are serial breeders.”
The table erupts into congratulations and Emily’s sympathetic eyes flick to me.
“Congratulations.” I smile. “That’s fantastic news.”
Elliot takes my hand under the table and links his fingers through mine.
His act of kindness slays my bravado and I feel the tears welling behind my eyes.
Stop it.
He squeezes my hand as a silent comfort.
Don’t cry.
This is a happy announcement and I am happy for them, really I am. The other pregnancy announcements from Claire and Emily haven’t worried me before.
I roll my lips.
I just wish they were congratulating Elliot, calling him a serial breeder.
Don’t cry.
I can feel the hot caustic tears building and I need them to go to hell. I will not make this about me and cause a scene.
This is exciting, a baby is a gift.
Don’t cry.
“I’m just going to the bathroom,” I whisper, I get up and near run to the disabled bathroom, I close the door behind me.
They get six, we don’t even get one.
I lean my forehead on the back of the door, my open hands hold me up, my heartbeat sounding in my ears, the pain in my chest so sharp that I screw up my face in pain. Poisonous, jealous tears run down my face.
My breath quivers as I inhale, trying desperately to calm myself down.
I don’t want to be this person; this isn’t who I am.
“Kate.” I hear Emily’s voice. “Where are you, babe?”
I screw up my face even more, the snot is running down my face. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’ll be out in a moment.” I wipe my eyes. “I’ll meet you back out there.”
“Let me in.”
“I’m fine, Em.”
“Open the fucking door.”
I open the door to see Emily, Claire and Hayden, and I want the earth to swallow me up. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, the tears starting again.
Claire pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t realize.”
“I don’t want to be this person.” I whisper, embarrassed.
“You have every right to be upset,” Claire comforts me. “Howl to the moon.”
I smile, grateful for her kindness. “I’ve ruined everything.”
“No you haven’t.”
Emily passes me tissues and I wipe my eyes. “God, I’m an idiot making this about me, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be silly, we’re family.” Emily puts her arm around me. “We’ve got you; your heartache is our heartache.”
The tears well again. “Don’t be nice to me.” I laugh. “It makes me psychotic.”
We all laugh and eventually we make our way back to the table.
Everyone is silent, unsure to what to say.
“Sorry.” I sit down, mortified, “My behavior is inexcusable.”
Elliot puts his arm around me and kisses my temple as he pulls me close.
“So as you already know,” I say as I look around the table, “Elliot and I have been struggling with fertility for a long time, it’s not working and we’ve finally accepted that we are unable to have a baby.”
The table sits still as they listen.
“As of this week we’ve officially stopped trying. There will be no children for us and it’s been hard to come to that decision. It’s new and it’s raw and I really am so happy for you guys.” I smile through tears.
Elliot rolls his lips as he stares at the table, unable to make eye contact with anyone.
The table falls silent, unsure what to say.
“I’m so sorry, guys,” Jameson whispers.
“We’re going to get going.” Elliot stands, unable to have this conversation. “Sorry to be on a downer.” He shakes Tristan’s hand. “Happy for you, buddy.” He kisses Claire. “Congrats.”
“I’m sorry for ruining the night,” I say, embarrassed. “I promise I’ll get my shit together and be better company next time.”
“You have not ruined the night,” Claire gasps.
To the loud goodbyes, Elliot puts his arm around me and we leave and make our way out of the restaurant. And, for the first time, we fall apart together.
The suns heat dances across my skin.
From my place on the deckchair I look out over the sea, my eyes roam across the beautiful surroundings and then over to my sleeping man.
Elliot and I are in Capri, Italy.
Staying in the most beautiful waterfront villa, heaven on earth.
He organized this trip for us last month to either be celebrating or drying our tears.
Although, I’m not sure if they’re dry yet, maybe they never will.
If I’m honest, it’s kind of just sinking in.
It seems so crazy that all of our energy over the last three years has been focused on getting pregnant, somehow in amongst it, we kind of forgot how to just be us.
But it feels like we’ve turned the corner.
Our love for each other is stronger than ever and our life might not be perfect.
But it’s ours.
We’re in this together and it’s going to be okay.
And Elliot’s right, we don’t need a child to complete us. I mean, it would have been nice but we can’t lose ourselves in the search of something else.
He’s still Elliot Miles and I’m still Kate Miles, we’re still happily married.
Still smart asses, still hot as fuck for each other and damn it, I’m not going to waste one more minute forgetting who I am and what I have in this life.
Because I have him, and he is everything.
Elliot rolls onto his side and runs his hand up my thigh, “Want a Margarita babe?”
“Yeah.” I smile, “Why not? Make it two.”
I put the finishing touches on the chicken. “El,” I call. “Can you get the wine from the cellar?”
“Already got it.”
I carry the chicken out and proudly place it in the middle of the dining table.
“This looks frigging incredible.” Emily smiles as she looks around the table.
She and Jameson and the kids have come to stay with us for the week, we have had so many laughs.
The kids ate earlier and are watching a movie in the living room.
Jameson pours us four glasses of wine and we all sit at the table and begin to serve out our meals.
“So…. There’s something we wanted to talk to you about,” Jameson says casually as he dishes out his chicken, he seems distracted and keeps loading it onto his plate.
“Don’t eat all the fucking chicken.” Elliot snatches the tongs from him.
“We were thinking….” His voice trails off, causing Elliot and me to look up at him.
“Did it hurt?” Elliot mutters dryly. “Spit it out.”
“We want Emily to be your surrogate.”
My knife and fork hit the plate with a clang. “What?”
“I’ve had four kids; we are finished. My uterus can hold a pregnancy and I have easy labors,” Emily says. “I can do this for you guys. Let us do this for you.”
The earth spins beneath me.
Elliot stares at her, shocked to his core.
“I couldn’t….”
“Yes you could.” Jameson cuts me off. “I know if the shoe was on the other foot, you would do it for us.”
We stay silent, unsure what to say.
“We all know that we couldn’t trust a stranger to be a surrogate, it’s too risky,” Jameson continues. “Let us do this for you.”
Elliot’s eyes search his.
“Your embryo implanted into Emily’s uterus; it will be your child.”
“I’ll just be the oven.” Emily smiles as she takes my hand over the table.
“We can do this, guys, it’s at least worth a try.”
Tears well in my eyes. “This is the most selfless act of love I’ve ever heard of. Thank you so much for the offer…but…”
“It’s worth a shot.” Elliot cuts me off. “Kate…let’s think on it before you dismiss it.” He smiles softly at me over the table and for the first time in a long time.
Hope has returned.
Elliot
The phone rings on my nightstand and I wake with a start, I glance at the clock: 2am.
Fuck.
I scramble to answer it, “Hey.”
Jameson’s deep voice sounds down the phone, “She’s in labor.”
My heart drops, “Is she okay?”
Kate sits up with a start, “What’s happening?” She mouths.
“Yeah, she’s a pro at this.” Jameson replies. “Been going for about an hour, she’s ready to go to the hospital. I’ve called ahead, they are expecting us.”
My stomach twists into knots, this is it. Emily is nine months pregnant with our baby, tonight’s the night.
“Okay, meet you there.”
“Alright.”
He hangs up but I stay on the line, because while I stay here on the phone nothing can go wrong.
“What’s happening?” Kate asks.
I need a minute.
“Emily is in labor. Have a shower babe, then we will head down to the hospital.”
“Okay.” Kate gets into the shower and I march to the guest bathroom and throw up.
Violently.
If something goes wrong, I swear to god……..
I’m bent over the toilet and Kate’s reassuring hand goes to my back,
“It’s going to be okay, babe.”
I nod, unable to say anything. Barely able to breathe.
“Relax.”
I nod, feeling stupid. Poor Emily is going through labor and I’m over here throwing up in sympathy like a wimp.
Kate quickly showers while I try to pull myself together and half an hour later we arrive at the hospital.
It’s already been arranged that we can go into the birthing suite and we’re ushered straight through.
We walk into the room and Jameson’s face lights up, “Hey, here they are.” He’s calm and relaxed, obviously a pro at this too.
“Hi,” Em smiles.
Emily and Kate hug.
I kiss Emily on the cheek and push the hair back from her face, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” She smiles, she screws up her face, “Here comes another one.”
I step out of the way and as Emily pants, the room spins, my panic sets in.
Jameson holds her hand and talks calmly to her, she gets through the contraction and nerves roll my stomach, I’m going to throw up again.
What the fuck?
“I’m sorry guys, I just …. I don’t think I can watch Em go through this.”
Jameson chuckles. “She’s okay.”
“No.” I shake my head, “This is….. you need to be here with her, I can’t ….. this is not for me…. Emily is….. “
“It’s okay Elliot.” Em smiles.
“I’ll wait outside.”
Kates eyes search mine, “Are you sure?”
I nod, “I’ll be just outside that door.” I kiss her, and then Emily and hug Jameson.
Then I run outside and throw up again.
I pace up and down the corridor.
Four hours, four hours of a literal hell.
Poor Emily.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on in there but it’s taking forever.
The door bursts open and Jameson comes into view.
“Come, last push.”
“What?” I gasp wide-eyed.
He grabs me and drags me into the room, “Stand up that end.” He positions me behind Emily and I stand still, frozen on the spot.
“Last push Emily.” The midwife says, “Let’s do this.”
Emily strains and pushes and I put my hands over my mouth.
“That’s it, baby.” Jameson smiles, “That’s it, it’s coming.”
The baby slides out and my eyes widen, the doctor picks it up and rolls it over.
“It’s a little girl.”
“Waaaaaa.” The baby screams.
My vision blurs, and Kate starts to cry.
Emily and Jameson too.
The nurse wraps the baby and holds it up, “Pass her to her mom and dad.” Emily smiles.
The nurse passes her to Kate and I screw up my face in tears as I put my arms around the two of them.
“Thank you, thank you.” I whisper.
The whole room is crying.
“Elliot.” Kate sobs, “Look at her.” She strokes her hair, “I knew you’d come baby girl. I always had faith.” She passes her to me and I stare down at the perfect little baby.
She has dark hair with fine features like Kate.
Perfection.
“What are you going to call her?” Jameson asks.
And in that moment, I just know.
“I have the perfect name.” I smile as I look down at her in wonder.
“What is it?” Kate whispers as she puts her arm around the both of us.
“Something you never lost sight of.”
Kate frowns.
“Faith.”
Kate screws up her face in tears. “That’s the perfect name,” She whispers.
I kiss her tiny forehead, “Her name is Faith.”
