My eyes close as soon as I hear him whisper the words, and a lone tear falls onto my pillow. “Addison,” he says my name in a whisper, but this time there isn’t just one lone tear. Now the tears are streaming down my face. “I’m so sorry.”
Today has been, without a doubt, one of the best and also one of the hardest days.
“You don’t have to apologize.” I try to get my voice back to normal as I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“But I do.” His voice stays just as low as it was before. “I have so much to apologize for that I don’t think there is ever going to be enough time in the day.” He stops talking for a second. “I know this is not going to sound like it’s the truth.” His voice is higher now. “But I never had a one-night stand either.”
I laugh through my tears, making the sniffling less conspicuous. “You don’t have to say that.” I turn over in my bed, looking out the window I don’t have blinds on. Looking out into the dark night, I see the twinkling of stars in the sky.
“It’s the truth.” I hear rustling coming from his side of the phone, and I wonder if he’s hiding while he talks to me. “I’ve never thrown caution to the wind. You were the first time I didn’t think things through.”
I blink as I watch the stars in the sky. “Um, thanks.” I chuckle. “I think.” What does one say to that? Do I tell him he was the first time in my whole life I threw caution to the wind? Do I tell him the night with him is a night I think of every single time Avery does something new? Do I tell him I think about him every single time things get rough, and I don’t think I can do it or that I’m not doing a good enough job? Do I tell him all these things? Instead of telling him those things, I stay on the safe side. “I think we need to sit down and discuss how this is going to go.”
“I would like that,” he says, and I have to give it to him. Ever since he has found out about her, he has never wavered. He has never run away; he has stood there ready to embrace everything that comes with her.
“Can you meet me tomorrow at four?” I sit up in my bed, my heart speeding up, knowing over the next couple of days, some big changes will be coming my way. I just hope I can handle them. “I’ll get Avery, and we can maybe go for ice cream or to the park.” I quickly change it, not wanting him to think I just randomly take her for ice cream instead of having her eat dinner first. This is uncharted territory for me to have to think about what he thinks about what I do with her.
“I’ll come and get you,” he quickly adds, not even bringing up the fact about the ice cream.
“It’s easier if you meet me,” I tell him, trying not to sound like I don’t want him picking us up. “I have the car seat and all of that.” I close my eyes as soon as I say it.
“Okay, do you want to go out and eat?” he asks me, and the pit of my stomach starts to burn.
“We are eating out on Saturday when we go to the fair,” I reply, knowing I really can’t afford to eat out twice in a week. I think we would survive, but there is a budget, and I stick to it.
“Okay,” he says, “I can ask Matty if I can make dinner here.” If he were in front of me, he would be able to see how my eyes just almost come out of my sockets.
I sit up in bed, flustered, thinking about him cooking in Matty and Sofia’s house. “How about you just come here for dinner?” I want to bite my tongue as soon as the words come out of my mouth. Why couldn’t I just leave it be that we would talk at the park? Why do you constantly have to say things you shouldn’t? my head yells at me.
I’m about to take it back and suggest we just talk while Avery plays when he says, “That would be amazing.”
I inwardly groan that he accepted my invitation. “But I have class at seven thirty,” I quickly add so he knows there is a time limit for this.
“Class?” he asks me. “What do you mean you have class?”
“Well, I’m trying to get my college degree,” I reply, and I don’t know why I feel a bit embarrassed even though I know I shouldn’t.
“But you were in college when we met?” I don’t know if he’s asking me the question or just remembering.
“I was but…” I let my voice trail off, trying to come up with words that won’t point the finger at the real reason I didn’t end up finishing. I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made, especially when it comes to my life now. Things happened for a reason.
“You dropped out,” he adds what I didn’t really want to admit to him.
“I sort of had no choice,” I admit. Not wanting to drag this out, I give him what I would normally not share. “Here is the thing with my family,” I say, looking down at my hands, wondering how I can spin this story to not make it look like my family is a bunch of assholes, but well, they are. There is no beating around the bush. “My father comes from old money that he inherited from my grandfather, who also inherited it from his family. He was raised in a way where things were either right or wrong. There was no middle ground. Old family values, I would not be the one to tarnish the family name. He would not be the laughingstock of the family because he had a daughter who couldn’t keep her legs closed.” I laugh, pretending it doesn’t bother me.
“When I told them I wouldn’t have an abortion or get rid of it, things changed in a way I never thought they would. I mean, these were my parents. I knew they were mad, but I figured they would come around. They didn’t.” I blink away the tear that comes, screaming at myself, I will not shed a fucking tear for them. “It seemed that all payments were stopped, and I didn’t know. I owed a little over fourteen thousand dollars for the following year. When I called my father, he didn’t answer me, and my mother ignored my phone calls and even my text messages.” I thought I had buried how I felt about it, but having to tell him, all the memories of back then come out like the box has been opened again. “I couch surfed for two months.” I don’t add in why I had to couch surf. Who wants to admit that their own family put them out on the street? That they stopped paying their rent and got them evicted? “Luckily for me, when I started school, I got a part-time job, and my parents would give me an allowance that I didn’t always spend. So while I worked full-time, I was able to save up for my own place at the three-month mark. Right when I turned six months.” He doesn’t say anything to me. All I hear from his side is him hissing. I smile sadly.
“It all worked out. I have an amazing job now, and hopefully, I can get some clients of my own.”
“I have no doubt you’ll get them,” he encourages me, and it’s been a long time since someone has been in my corner encouraging me. The feeling is almost foreign to me at this point.
I hear the sound of feet coming my way before I see her standing in the doorway. “Mommy.” She rubs her eyes with her fist. “Can I have some water?”
“Of course, angel face.” I toss the covers off me. “I have to go,” I say into the phone.
“See you tomorrow,” he says softly.
“See you tomorrow,” I repeat before I disconnect the phone, tossing it on my bed before I make my way over to Avery and stop in front of her. “Did I forget to leave your sippy cup next to your bed?” I ask her, knowing with everything that happened with Stefano tonight, my whole nightly routine was shook up.
“It’s not there,” she mumbles to me.
“I’ll go get it, you go get back into bed,” I tell her. She turns and walks slowly back to her bed as I make my way to the kitchen. I grab her pink sippy cup from the dish rack before walking over to the fridge and pulling it open to grab the jug of water. The pizza boxes are stacked on the bottom shelf, filling it up. He moved everything around to make sure that it all fit. I don’t even look in the brown bag next to the boxes. I just grab the water jug, fill up her cup, and close the top. I take a sip of the water through the straw to make sure it’s on properly before I walk back to her room.
She’s back in bed in the fetal position. “Avery,” I say her name softly, wondering if she’s still awake or if she fell back asleep.
She stirs the minute I say her name, looking up at me. “Yeah,” she mumbles before sitting up in the bed. I sit down next to her and hand her the cup. She takes it in her hand and brings it to her lips with closed eyes. The pizza must have been really salty because she almost finishes the whole cup in one go. She hands it to me, trying to catch her breath before lying back down and pulling the covers over her. I walk back to the fridge and fill the cup back up before going back over to her and placing it beside her pillow like I do every night. The sound of her soft snores fills the room.
I lean down and kiss her cheek. “Love you,” I tell her softly, before I walk back to my bedroom.
Grabbing my phone, I pick it up and put it on the bedside table before I slide into bed again. I’m just laying my head on the pillow when the phone rings, and I see it’s him again. “Hello,” I answer softly.
“Hey, sorry, it’s me again,” he says, and he sounds like he’s out of breath.
“Yes,” I reply, not sure why he’s calling me again.
“I’m going to tell my parents.” He comes right out and says it as a declaration. I almost laugh because he sounds so serious and nervous all at the same time.
“I figured.” I can’t help but chuckle now.
“I kind of have to tell them before Matty lets it slip.” He lets out a big exhale. My hands get sweaty realizing that Matty knows. I figured he would know because of Sofia, but knowing he knows is just cementing that this is actually happening and it’s not all in my head. “If I don’t tell my mother, and she finds out from Matty, she’s likely to castrate me.”
I can’t help but laugh out nervously. “Might as well tell them, then.” I put my hand on my stomach as it decides that it’s going to go straight up to my throat like a wave in the middle of the ocean.
“I’m sorry you went through all that alone,” he says to me, his voice going soft, and I close my eyes again, and I breathe out through my mouth softly. “I don’t know how, but I’m going to make it up to you.”
I shake my head. “There isn’t anything to make up for.” I open my eyes and look over to the doorframe where she just stood not too long ago, her small hands rubbing her eyes. All I can do is smile. “I would do it all over again for her.” My voice trembles. The silent tear escapes. “She’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Hands down, the best thing that I’ve ever done.”
“Thank you.” His voice sends shivers down my body, which is crazy since the last time I felt like this was the first time he leaned over and kissed me. There in the middle of the diner, with people coming and going, no one paying attention to the two people in the corner. No one knowing that night would change everything.
“For?” I ask him, not sure what he’s thanking me for.
I know I’m also not ready for what is to come. I’m not ready for his words to come out. There is nothing that can prepare me for what comes next. “Being the best mother to our kid,” he says with a chuckle. I picture him smiling with a smirk that I’ve seen for the past four years growing on our daughter, always mesmerized she got it, even though she never met him. It was a piece of him she got without knowing. “She’s the best, and it’s because of you.”
