I sit at the table and rub my fingers over my forehead, back and forth.
Stop her from going out. Go in there and apologize.
I’m hot, I feel sick.
Make her stay.
I close my eyes and blow out a heavy breath, swallowing the lump in my throat. An unfamiliar feeling of regret swirls in my chest.
If she wants to go out with someone else, that’s her business. I don’t do monogamy. So what’s with this sick fucking feeling I get from even thinking about her going out with another man?
Stop it.
I get up to pour myself a scotch, and then I sit back at the table and take a sip. Maybe she won’t go.
Her words run through my mind on repeat. “I don’t need protecting. Like your children, I want compassion and understanding.”
I give my children compassion. I give up my whole fucking life for my children. Who is she to throw the blame on me when she knows nothing about our situation?
I take a large gulp of my scotch when she walks out with her overnight bag in her arms.
Tell her not to go.
I press my lips together so that I don’t beg her out loud. I sip my scotch again with my leg bouncing underneath the table.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, you’re drinking scotch at 10:30 a.m.” She stands and watches me for a moment. “I didn’t mean it to sound like I think you’re a bad father.” She hesitates. “That’s not how I meant it.”
“That’s how it sounded.”
She takes a seat at the table opposite me. “Julian.”
I stare at my glass on the table.
“Will you look at me?”
I drag my eyes up to hers.
“I know you don’t want a relationship.”
I clench my jaw.
“I don’t know how you think this is going to go between us, but you upset me last night. You really hurt my feelings and it surprised me because I wasn’t expecting it. I was completely blown over, both by how you treated me, and how it felt.”
My stomach twists.
‘And it’s not a good sign for me to feel hurt by you when we aren’t even in a relationship.’
Her eyes hold mine. “You told me to protect myself from you.”
I sip my scotch, an intelligent reply escaping me.
“This is me doing that.”
“By going out with someone else?” I reply.
Her eyes hold mine. “I just want a friend I can rely on.”
“You can rely on me.”
“No, I can’t. You showed me that last night.”
“Last night was an exception.”
“Last night was our first date, for Christ’s sake.”
I clench my lips together so I don’t say anything to embarrass myself further. I’m not begging. I get a vision of her kissing someone else and I feel my temperature rise. I rub my hand through my stubble in frustration. Stop it! You don’t do monogamy.
What is this stupid fucking feeling?
Is this jealousy?
I bounce my leg under the table as I try to get a hold of my emotions.
Her eyes hold mine. “These barriers you put up.” I frown, not understanding.
“Why do you do it?”
I screw up my face. “You don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“What are you protecting yourself from, Julian?”
I stand abruptly. “I’m not sitting here and listening to this psychobabble bullshit.” I shake my head in frustration. “I don’t need protecting. I’m happy having friends with benefits. Don’t twist this to be what you think I should want.”
“Are you?” She watches me intently. “Because you looked pretty pissed off when you thought I was going out with someone else tonight.”
“Because you are fucking dismissing me!” I yell. “I do not get dismissed. Nobody dismisses me!” I turn my back to her as my breath quivers. It’s been a long time since somebody got to me enough for me to lose my temper. I exhale heavily as I try to control my anger.
Walk away. Walk out of the room right now.
“Let me in and we can try again.”
I turn toward her. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“You shut down on me. The other night, when we were in each other’s arms, we had this small window of intimacy and you immediately shut it down.”
“I did not.”
“Yes, you did, and the more I think about it, the more I think this is a behavior pattern for you. You don’t bring up certain topics with the children because you don’t want to give them the opportunity to ask hard questions.”
I turn toward her, our eyes locked.
“You protect yourself from them too, Julian, whether you’re aware of it or not.”
My stomach drops at her insinuation. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Can you at least think about it after I leave?”
I stare at her, and I have to say it because it’s eating me alive. ‘I don’t want you to be with anybody else.’
“What are you saying?”
I frown, knowing I need to say more, but I can’t make the words leave my mouth.
Her eyes search mine. “Do you really think I’m going to go out with another man when you hurting me is all I can think about?”
My face falls. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Bree.”
“Yet you did it anyway.”
I look to the floor, filled with shame.
“Maybe I need to learn how to work my own barriers,” she whispers.
I swallow the lump in my throat as my eyes rise to meet hers. “Do you have to go out?”
“Yes.”
Anger fills me and I glare at her. Dismissed again.
A car horn sounds outside. “My Uber is here.”
I exhale heavily.
She walks towards the door and turns back. “Just talk to me, Julian. Tell me what you want.”
I clench my jaw, and the strong urge to lash out and hurt her for leaving me takes over.
“I want a woman who isn’t needy.” I sneer.
Her sad eyes hold mine, and I want to kick myself the moment the words leave my lips.
Why did I say that? I drop my head, and then I hear the door shutting quietly behind her.
Brielle
I apply my lipstick and roll my lips in the mirror.
“Do you think I should wear the black dress or the grey?” Emerson asks, holding up the two dresses in front of her body.
I frown as I look between them. “The grey.”
I’m at Emerson’s place getting ready for our night out. I’m trying to push Julian out of my mind.
I want a woman who isn’t needy.
“I’m sorry I can’t go sightseeing tomorrow.” Em sighs. “I had no idea I had to work.”
“It’s okay, I’ll go and do something on my own. We can go next week.”
“So, Thomas, hey?”
Emerson smiles. “He’s so funny. Honestly, I’m always laughing the whole time he’s around.”
“Yeah, he’s nice,” I agree.
‘Well, at least he’s a lot nicer than that foot wanking boss of yours.’ She tuts as she sits down beside me and begins to apply her mascara. ‘Please tell me that you’re over this fascination with him.’
I watch her for a moment. I haven’t told Em hardly anything that has happened between Julian and me. Why I’m not really sure.
“What don’t you like about him Em?” I ask. “You don’t even know him.”
She glances over at me. “You’re right, I don’t, but I know you.”
“And?” I frown.
“He said he wanted casual sex.”
I pick up my mascara. “So?”
“So, then he takes you to a dinner and totally ignores you for two hours.”
I look at my reflection in the mirror and press my lips together again.
“And then there’s all this sexual tension, and he tells you that his kids come first.”
“That’s an admirable quality in my books,” I reply, unimpressed.
“It is.” She stops what she’s doing and looks at me. “If they’re your kids.”
I watch her for a moment.
“I just know you, Brell. I know you won’t do casual because you’re not wired to be a casual kind of girl. So why would you waste the next twelve months on a guy who doesn’t want commitment and who’ll probably be sleeping around while you are at home looking after his children? It’s not like you won’t run into him, you live with him. You care for his kids. Bottom line is, you’ll be loyal and he won’t.”
I exhale, pick up my blusher, and begin to brush my cheeks. “You never know what could happen.”
Emerson stops and shakes her head. “Brell, he is not the guy for you.”
I put my blusher down on the dressing table. “Why are you so sure?”
She thinks for a moment. ‘Okay, let’s look at it like this: you could meet a twenty-five-year-old guy who is your soul mate. You fall in love and have wild fun, maybe date for a few years. You’re a team. You decide together where your home will be and you save for one. You get married, have children, and be on equal grounds for the rest of your lives.’ My eyes fall to hers in the mirror and I watch her.
“Or… you could hook up with Mr. Masters, who has already fallen in love with his soul mate and lost her. He’s a widower and you will always come second to her no matter what. His house, his job, his children… and you’re left to fit in somewhere around them.”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
“Even if he did want a relationship—and he doesn’t—you will never come first to him, Brell. You will always be fourth or fifth down the line. He can’t move home to Australia. He can’t go out and be spontaneous. He can’t put you before his children. He can’t give you something that a younger man can.”
My face falls.
“I just want what’s best for you, Brell, and Mr. Masters is not it. He’s the complete opposite.” She puts her arm around me, and we stare at our reflection in the mirror. “You stayed with your last boyfriend for three years too long because you felt sorry for him, because you’re a good person and you wanted to fix him.”
“I know.” I sigh.
She bumps her shoulder with mine. “You can’t fix Julian, no matter what you do. You can’t turn back time for him. He’s already been there and done that with somebody else.”
I smile sadly.
“Just whatever you do, don’t sleep with him. Everything will just get complicated and messy if you do.”
I blow out a deep breath and pick up my lipstick and begin to reapply. This is the first secret I’ve ever held from Emerson.
And I know why, because in my gut I know it’s wrong, too.
“This way, ladies.” Thomas smiles as he leads us through the crowd. “Make way, gorgeous women coming through,” he calls to the crowd, and sure enough they part for us.
Emerson and I giggle. “You’re an idiot,” I whisper.
“At your service.” He smiles, flashing me a sexy wink.
We’re at the art gallery at one of Emerson’s work’s art auctions. Alastar – Em’s new man – is an artist and has some of his artwork auctioning tonight. Thomas is his brother. Apparently, he’s very talented, or so Em has heard.
I met both Thomas and Alastar on the second weekend we were here, and while Alastar—or Star for short—is quiet and broody, Thomas is the exact opposite. He’s funny and outgoing, and I laugh the whole time he is around. He’s flirty but I think he’s like that with everyone. Either way, I feel very comfortable around him.
“I have to go and see some people. Back soon,” Star says.
“Okay.” We smile.
“I’ll get us some drinks,” Thomas suggests. “What will it be?”
I frown. Hmm, what will it be? “I’ll have some Sauv Blanc, please.”
“Me, too.” Em smiles.
The room is full and buzzing. The two of us look around in awe. Men are wearing their expensive suits, and the women are dressed in their designer clothes. Everyone is milling around while the expensive art auction takes place in the background. “Wow,” I mouth to Em.
“I know. Can you believe that this is actually happening?”
“No.” I laugh. “What the hell? Look at us at a fancy art auction.”
Thomas returns with our drinks and we take a look around as we sip them.
We went to a restaurant and had dinner with the boys first, as well as way too many cocktails. Star’s art auction starts at 10:30 p.m. so we arrived just in time. In fact, we have half an hour to spare.
I’m wearing my tight black dress that hangs just below my knees. The spaghetti straps expose my shoulders, and a long string of gold beads adds a little flare, matching my gold heels and clutch bag. My hair is down and I’m wearing red lipstick. I put in a little extra effort tonight because I needed a boost. My mind is weighed down with thoughts of Julian at home, as well as what Emerson said about him when we were getting ready earlier.
She’s right about everything; I’ve made a mistake. It’s annoying that I can’t stop thinking about him and how he dismissed me with such coldness.
I feel like shit, to be honest.
Thomas says something, but I can’t hear him over the crowd. “I beg your pardon? I can’t hear you,” I tell him.
He leans in and puts his arm around me at my waist, pulling me closer so I can hear him.
“I said… do you want to go and grab a coffee sometime next week?”
Oh.
“Like, on a date?” I ask, surprised.
He chuckles and pulls me closer to kiss my cheek. “Of course, on a date. What do you think?” I look up across the room, my eyes landing straight on the cold, hard glare of Julian Masters.
I immediately stiffen.
What the fuck?
He’s standing with a group of six men, all around his age, good-looking, and each one wearing an expensive suit.
I smile awkwardly and drop my head. It’s then that I notice that Thomas still has his arm around me.
Holy fucking shit.
I look back up and Julian is glaring, openly furious.
This night just took a gigantic nosedive.
What the hell is he doing here?
