I speed to the courthouse with my heart beating wildly the whole journey there. He wouldn’t do this to me. I know he wouldn’t.
He loves me.
Why am I even going to see him when I know that there must be a reasonable explanation for this? Maybe he’s getting a reversal? Yes!
My eyes widen. Yes, of course.
My face falls. No, that’s not it. We used condoms in the beginning because he was scared he was going to get me pregnant. If he’d already had a vasectomy he wouldn’t have been worried about that at all.
My stomach rolls and the tears well again. He’s going out tonight with his friends. I can’t deal with not knowing what’s going on.
I need to talk to him.
I glance down at the letter on the seat. I screw up my face in tears and I sniff loudly.
He wouldn’t.
I stop at the traffic lights and I glance at my watch. Shit, hurry up.
If I don’t catch him as he’s walking to his car, I won’t know where he is, and I am not having this conversation over the phone. I need to see his face when I confront him.
I glance at the car next to me. The lady is looking at my crying face with a worried expression.
No, I’m not okay, bitch.
I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my forearm.
I know this has to be a misunderstanding. He wouldn’t do this to me. Of course he wouldn’t because that would be the end of us and he knows that.
Please don’t let this be the end of us.
I’m not ready to let him go.
Please, please, please, baby. Don’t let this be true.
I turn into the underground parking lot and I drive around until I see his car in his reserved parking space.
He’s still here.
I park my car and get out with the letter gripped firmly in my hand. I glance down at my watch. It’s 4:30 p.m. and he’s finished for the day. He should be coming out at any moment. I walk over to his car and lean on it and I wait.
Twenty minutes later, he appears, talking and walking beside another man in an expensive suit. I immediately stand up straight, my racing heart driving me wild. He glances up and frowns when he sees me.
“See you later,” he says to his friend as he walks over to me. His eyes hold mine, and I know he can tell I’ve been crying, “What’s up?” he asks.
I should say something intelligent, or ask a calm question—anything that will help me not look like a complete lunatic—but I just don’t have it in me.
I hold up the letter. “You tell me.”
He frowns, takes the letter out of my hand and reads it. His eyes come back up to my face and he rubs his tongue over his teeth.
“You opened my mail?”
“Tell me it’s not true,” I whisper.
He closes his eyes and opens his car to throw his briefcase in his trunk, slamming it shut with an almighty thud. ‘This is not the time or place to discuss this,’ he says calmly.
“Is it true?” I scream, completely losing control.
He puts his hands into his suit pockets and swallows the lump in his throat. “Yes.”
I stagger back from him, shocked.
“What?” I whisper. Pain shoots through my chest.
He raises his eyebrows and looks at me. “I told you… I don’t want more children.”
I stare at him in shock, his silhouette blurred because of my tears. “So you were going to just do this without telling me?” I whisper.
He drops his chin to his chest. “No, I was going to tell you.”
“To make me leave?” I frown.
His haunted eyes rise to mine.
I screw up my face. “You said that you loved me,” I whisper.
“I do.”
I sob loudly, all my control gone.
He steps forward. “Bree, baby.” He pauses. “We… we’re at different stages of our lives. We want different things.”
I frown, the tears still rolling down my face.
Is this happening?
“I can’t give you what you want,” he confesses sadly. “I wish I could. I just can’t.”
“Yes, you can,” I whisper. “You just don’t want to.”
His jaw clenches. “You’re right. I don’t.”
If he hit me with an axe, it would be less painful. I gasp as my chest constricts.
I step back from him. How can he knowingly hurt me like this?
Oh, my God, I need to get away from him.
He steps forward, taking me into his arms, and I screw up my face and let myself cry. My shoulders are shaking violently. “Baby, listen to me,” he whispers into my hair. “I love you. More than anything, I love you. But I can’t go back there.”
“I don’t want you to go back there,” I sob. “I’m not Alina, Julian. Stop punishing me for her mistakes.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Anger hits me all at once, and I pull out of his arms. “Well, you have!” I cry.
“It’s my body,” he snaps.
“It’s mine, too,” I whisper. “How could you take away my chance of happiness without even talking to me about it?”
He presses his hand to his forehead, unable to give me an answer.
I stare at him. “I don’t even know you,” I whisper.
His face falls. “Don’t say that.”
“Where’s the beautiful man I fell in love with?”
He gestures to himself. “He’s right here.”
“No.” I shake my head in disgust. “Alina’s husband is here and I don’t love him. He’s a fucking coward.”
His eyes well with tears. “Bree…”
I turn and walk to my car on autopilot. I’ve never been so hurt before in my life. Even my ex, the adultering prick, didn’t hurt me this badly.
I start the car and drive out of the parking lot. Julian stands behind his car with his hands in his suit pockets, watching me, devoid of emotion.
I begin to howl, trying desperately to see the road through my tears.
That’s it…
We’re done.
Julian
I walk into the bar to find my two best friends at the back booth, and I fall in beside them. My beer is already waiting for me.
“Hey.” Seb smiles. “You look like fucking shit, man.”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t ask.” I pick up my glass and drain it, quickly putting my hand up for another.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?”
“She wants marriage and babies.”
They both frown and glance at each other. “And?” Seb asks.
“I don’t.”
They both raise their eyebrows and sip their beer, afraid to comment.
I stare at the television on the wall with a huge lump in my throat as I picture her heartbroken face. I close my eyes and exhale heavily.
Seb is frowning when I look up again. “I’m lost.” He points his beer at me. “Why do you look so shit if you don’t want marriage and babies?”
“Because I love her,” I whisper.
They exchange looks and Seb holds out his hand. “Well… I mean, she is twenty-two.”
‘Twenty-six,’ I correct him.
“Of course she’s going to want marriage and babies. Where the hell did you think this relationship was going to go?”
I rest my elbow on the table and drop my head into my hand. “I don’t fucking know. Not here.”
“I take it she didn’t take the news too well?” Spencer asks.
“We argued about it last weekend.” I sip my beer.
They both frown as they listen.
“Today she opened a confirmation letter for a vasectomy I had booked this week.” I rub my hand through my hair.
“Ouch.” Seb winces at Spencer. “That’s got to hurt.”
I close my eyes. “You should have seen her face,” I whisper sadly.
“Fuck. If I were her I would have given you the vasectomy on the spot with my knee,” Spencer murmurs.
“He hasn’t gone home yet. That’s probably going to happen tonight.”
They both chuckle at their stupid joke.
“What are you going to do?” Spencer asks.
Another round of drinks arrive.
The walls start to close in around me and I feel my chest tighten as I consider both my options. The thought of repeating what I’ve been through with Alina terrifies me so badly, it nearly brings on a panic attack.
But how am I supposed to live without Bree?
She’s everything to me.
I drain my beer and stare at the television screen on the wall above us. Not that I can see it. All I see is Bree’s heartbroken face. All I hear is the disappointment and sadness in her whispered voice. Her words come back to me.
“Alina’s husband is here and I don’t love him. He’s a fucking coward.”
I can’t be here. I put my glass onto the table and stand. “I’ve got to go home.”
“I thought we were going out tonight?” Seb frowns.
“Yeah, I got bigger fucking worries than a night out with you two losers. Catch you later.”
I don’t remember getting home. I don’t remember walking up the front steps or unlocking the door. I stand in the dark foyer and look around the silent house.
Is she here?
She’s left already…
“Bree?” I call. No answer. “Bree?” I walk down to her room and I open the door, peering in. “Bree?”
The boys could have been onto something about that castration. The shower is on, and I walk in to find her curled up in a ball crying as the hot water runs over her.
My heart breaks. “Baby,” I whisper.
I take off my clothes and climb in, immediately pulling her onto my lap. “Shh,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I kiss her forehead as I hold her tightly and she cries on my chest. I can’t stand seeing her this hurt. “It’s okay. I won’t get it. I won’t get it, I promise,” I whisper into her hair.
She clings to me and I hold her. I don’t know how to make this better.
I don’t want more children.
I don’t want marriage.
But I love her so much.
This is an impossible situation. One of us has to live a lie for the other to be happy.
Brielle
We sit in the bottom of the shower for over an hour, I’m on Julian’s lap. He lets me cry as he whispers apologies for hurting me. I don’t know how to deal with this. …only that tonight he is back with me and isn’t blocking me out like he has been for the last week.
“Come on,” he mutters. “Let’s get you out of here, you’re going cold.”
He pulls me to my feet and wraps his arms around me. I cling to him. I feel like we’re close to the end of our time together, and I know he does, too.
“Bree,” he whispers.
I keep my head on his chest.
“Look at me, baby.”
I drag my eyes up to his and he takes my face in his hands. “I love you so much. Please know how much I love you.”
I stare up at him, numb.
“I won’t get a vasectomy.” He kisses me softly. “I promise. Okay? I don’t know what I was thinking. I freaked out and…” His voice trails off.
I nod, mollified for the moment.
“Just give me some time.” He kisses me softly. “I just need some more time.”
My eyes search his.
“Please?” he whispers. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”
I drop my head to his chest and he holds me tight. Maybe we can work through this.
“You hurt me,” I whisper.
‘I know.’ He presses another kiss to my lips. ‘I’m sorry.’
Our kiss turns passionate and my face creases against his. It’s been a long week of tension and I’ve missed my man. Maybe we just needed to have it out and now things will be okay?
He wraps me in a towel and dries me before we move to lie down together on the bed.
He runs his fingers through my hair, never taking his eyes off me. He seems miles away. What’s he thinking about? We’re staring at each other as he dusts the backs of his fingers down my cheek, a small smile creeping onto his face
“What are you smiling at?” I ask.
“You.” He leans in and kisses me. “Your lips go blue when you cry.”
“That’s the frostbite from your heart.”
He smiles. “I deserved that.”
“How is this going to work, Jules?”
He frowns. “I don’t know.” His eyes hold mine. “Do we have to decide now? Can’t all these big decisions wait?”
“For what?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know, but I feel like I’ve only just found you and we’ve been together for two minutes. Suddenly we have to make a decision on the rest of our lives.” He shrugs. “What’s the rush?”
“I don’t want to fuck you in the dark, Julian. I want to love you in the light,” I whisper. “I can’t lie to Willow any longer.” I shake my head. “Every time I lie to her I die a little inside. She deserves the truth.”
He exhales heavily and rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.
Ding dong.
“Sammy,” I whisper, sitting up. “He’s getting dropped home. I completely forgot.”
Julian jumps up, grabs his clothes and throws them on. “You stay here, I’ll sort it.”
He disappears out of the room, closing the door behind him. I turn off the light and crawl under the blankets. My eyelids are so heavy. I’m exhausted from all my crying.
I close my eyes and try to forget today ever happened.
If only.
I wake with a start to find Julian lying on his side watching me.
“Hi,” I whisper. I vaguely remember him crawling into bed late last night and wrapping himself around me as I slept.
‘Hi.’ His gaze falls to my shoulder as if he’s too ashamed to make eye contact. We say nothing for a while, until he eventually spits the words out like they’re poison. ‘I’m sorry.’
“About what?”
“For last night.” He pulls me close and holds me in his arms. “I shouldn’t have gone out and left you.”
I frown. That’s not what I’m upset about? But I stay silent, unsure what to say.
“Bree. I just…” He pauses, searching my eyes. “I just…”
“You just what Julian?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about you start with the truth?”
He swallows the lump in his throat as he watches me. “You know I love you. I don’t want to lose you.”
I watch him intently.
He frowns as he struggles with his words. He brushes the hair back from my forehead. “What’s the rush?”
“There is no rush.”
His eyes search mine as if he’s hoping to read my mind. ‘On a scale of one to ten, how important are marriage and babies for you?’ he asks softly.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “A hundred.”
His face falls and he rolls to his back to look at the ceiling, exhaling heavily.
I watch him, and I feel guilty for pushing him when he’s obviously not ready. “Let’s just leave it for the time being. We can come back to this subject in six months. You’re right, we haven’t been together long enough for this,” I admit.
He listens, not saying a word.
I lean up onto my elbow and kiss his lips. “Okay? We won’t think about this for a while. I don’t want to stress you out about this.”
He purses his lips, and I get the feeling that the subject is already closed in his mind. I don’t know what else to say, so I get up.
“Where are you going?”
“To shower.” My eyes hold his, and after a moment, when he doesn’t respond, I turn and walk into the bathroom, closing the door behind me.
I have no words for him. I don’t know what to say.
Willow is sitting at the table, her face solemn. It’s 6:00 p.m. on Saturday night and Lola has just cancelled plans with her. She’s clearly disappointed. Julian is cooking dinner and Sammy is in the bath.
“What’s happening, pumpkin?” I ask as I blow into my coffee cup.
“Nothing.” She shrugs.
Julian glances at her, and then he frowns at me in question. I force a smile and I shrug.
I’ve kept myself from Julian today and given myself time to lick my wounds. I’m still hurt. I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t found that letter. Would he have gone through with it?
It’s going to take me some time to get over yesterday. I still can’t believe he actually booked a vasectomy.
A little voice inside me keeps telling me that we really are incompatible. He has to be unhappy for me to be happy, and vice versa.
I have no idea what to do with this new information, or how to feel about it.
I just know I can’t deal with the thought of losing him, so I’m pushing it to the back of my mind to deal with later.
“Do you want to go see a movie and have some dinner tonight?” I ask Will. “Just the two of us?”
Her face lights up. “Really?”
I look at Julian. “Is that alright?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, if you want. Sam and I will watch a movie.”
This could be just what I need, a night away to clear my mind.
Willow smiles broadly and hunches her shoulders.
“Have a look what’s on.” I smile at Willow.
She excitedly takes out her phone and googles the movie timetable. “There’s one on at nine. That would give us time to get dinner beforehand.”
I smile at her excitement. “Okay.”
She jumps off the chair excitedly. “You’re the best.” She runs off upstairs. “I’m going to get ready.”
I smile to myself. Julian comes over and places his hands on my shoulders. He bends and whispers into my ear, “She’s right. You are the best.”
I put my hand over his and smile sadly. “And you’re still on my shit list.”
“I wouldn’t have gone through with it.”
“But you thought about it.” I sigh.
He bends and kisses my cheek. “I’ll make it up to you when you get home.”
“You are banned from my body,” I whisper sadly. “Forever.”
He turns my head and kisses my lips. “We’ll see.”
Willow and I walk out of the movie at 11:45 p.m. The movie was funny and we laughed out loud the whole time. I needed this night with her to regroup. Our arms are linked as we walk back to the car.
“So what happened with Lola tonight?” I ask.
“To be honest, I think she’s out with someone else.”
I frown. “Why do you think that?”
‘I was reading on her phone the other night after she fell asleep on the sofa at our house, and a message came through from a girl asking her to go to a club called Kitty Cats tonight.’
I listen as I watch her. “Did you ask her about it?”
She shakes her head. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I didn’t want to be the jealous girlfriend.”
“Maybe they’re just friends?”
“No, I searched on Facebook and Instagram. They only became friends a week ago.”
My face falls. “Oh.”
“And then, when she messaged me tonight to cancel…” She shrugs again. “I don’t know.”
“Well, maybe she didn’t go to this club Kitty Cats.” I smile, offering her some hope.
She rolls her eyes. “God, I’m off dating already.”
I widen my eyes. “That makes two of us.” I sigh sadly.
We get into the car, and I glance across the road and see a hot pink neon sign.
KITTY CATS
My mouth falls open. “Oh, look, is that it?” I point.
Willows’ eyes widen and she cranes her neck as we both peer through the front windscreen.
“Google it. See if it’s the same place.” I whisper.
She takes out her phone and reads the address out. “That’s it. Gay and Lesbian bar. Kitty Cats.”
We both stay silent as we watch a few groups of girls and boys walk in.
“I wish I knew if she was in there,” Willow whispers.
“Yeah, I know, right. To be a fly on the wall.”
We continue to watch on as people pile in.
“Can you go in and see if she’s there?” she asks me.
“What?” I glance over at her.
“Can you just go in for five minutes and see if she’s there? Please.”
“What are you going to do while I’m in there?” I frown.
“Stay in the car. I’ll lock the doors.”
“And what are you going to do if she’s in there with someone else?”
“Break up with her.” She widens her eyes at me like I’m an idiot.
I scowl and cringe. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Will. I don’t want to leave you in the car.”
“You’ll be five minutes and the bouncers are right there. Nothing is going to happen to me. At least then I’ll know for sure.”
I think on it for a moment. How else will she find out if Lola is a snake? It’s not like they know any of the same people. She could cheat on her for another two years until Will is old enough to go out, if she’s that way inclined. I bite my thumbnail as I stare across the road.
“If I go in, I’m just going to do one lap of the club and that’s it. If I don’t see her, I’m coming out and we are leaving straight away.”
“Yeah, okay,” she says as she stares through the windscreen.
I glance over at her. “What do I do if I do see her with someone?”
Willow frowns. “Don’t let her see you. Just leave.”
I bite my bottom lip as I think on it. “Fine. I’ll scope it out a bit.” We both stare out the front window at the club in front of us. “Are you going to lose your shit if she’s in there with her?”
She shrugs. “I’d rather know so I can break it off before she does.”
I exhale heavily. “Yeah, okay.” I grab my bag, take my phone out and grip it in my hand. “Call me if you need me. I’ll be five minutes… max.”
She smiles and hugs me. “Thank you. You’re the best.”
“Wait. What do I do if a girl cracks onto me?” I whisper.
She smirks. “Tell them you’re in love with my dad.”
My mouth falls open.
She laughs softly. “I’m not stupid, Brell.”
I raise my eyebrows. “At least one of us isn’t.” I sigh.
I have no idea what else to say, so I get out of the car, cross the road, and I walk up to the doorway.
“Fifteen pounds, thanks,” the doorman says flatly.
“Jeez,” I mutter. “Expensive.” I pull out my purse, pay the fee and walk into the club. It’s dark with a large dance floor in the middle. It’s completely packed, mostly with girls.
Jesus, this scene is alive and kicking.
I look around and try to get my bearings. The song “Let me Think About It” by Freddy Le Grande is playing. I love this song, so I begin to groove a bit as I walk through the crowd. This song reminds me of my situation with Julian at the moment. Let me think about it.
Okay, focus. I’ll just do one lap.
I’m not going to find her even if she is in here, anyway. It’s completely packed. I begin to walk through the club to the beat of the music, looking around as I do. The dance floor is going off, and I smile as I watch the girls getting down and dirty as they dance.
This place is cool.
I get to the back corner, and all at once the music stops and the lights come on. What the hell? I frown as I look around.
A voice comes over the loudspeaker. ‘Identification check.’
Huh?
What the hell? I turn to walk out and see about twenty police checking identification at the door.
Jesus, it’s a sting operation.
I push my way through the crowd, and I’m just about at the door when my eyes widen.
A policeman has a hold of Willow by the arm and he’s dragging her towards the door.
What the fuck? I run after them. What in the hell is she doing in here? I told her to wait in the car. They bust through the front door as Willow struggles to break free. “What are you doing?” I call. “She’s with me.”
“Show me your identification?” the policeman says to her.
Oh no.
“I… I haven’t got my wallet on me,” she stammers.
‘She’s with me, we’re leaving now anyway,’ I say as I grab Willow’s arm. My heart is beating wildly.
The policeman jerks her backwards. “Not so fast. Give me your wallet,” he snaps.
Willow slowly retrieves her wallet and passes it over.
The policeman goes through it and reads out her student card.
Willow Masters
Aged 16
“We got one,” the policeman calls to his friend.
I shake my head frantically. “No, no. This is a mistake. She was just picking me up.”
“Yeah, yeah. Sure, lady.” He continues to drag Willow to the police car.
Willow’s eyes are like saucers. She’s petrified.
“W-what are you doing with her?” I stammer.
“Taking her to the police station.”
My eyes widen. “What for?”
“She’s under arrest. Her parents will have to come get her.”
I shake my head. “I’m her parent. I’ll take her home now.”
He pushes her into the back of the police car and takes out his cell phone to call the number on Willow’s identification.
Oh my fucking God.
“Hello, this is detective Rogers. Do you know a Willow Masters?” he asks.
He listens for a moment.
“No, she’s fine,” he snaps. “You’ll have to come down to the police station and collect her.”
“What for?” I hear Julian asking, as clear as day through the phone.
“She’s just been caught underage in a gay nightclub.”
The blood drains from my face.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
