It had been a month since I’d heard from or seen Jim. Luckily, I managed to find a decent-paying job as a receptionist at a dentist’s office in Anaheim, and since I’d opted for a month-to-month contract with the apartment I’d rented near Jim’s office, it wasn’t a problem to move out and rent a new place—a much smaller studio apartment—not too far from my new job.
Addy wasn’t thrilled about leaving her preschool or moving away from Jim, but she adjusted quickly and was excited to be able to see her papa more often. Larry and Annette were both retired, so it was convenient for them to watch Addy on the three days a week that she didn’t attend her preschool.
Many times, Addy had questioned not seeing Jim after we moved. Being a three-year-old, I didn’t want to saddle her with the details, so I explained that since we moved, Jim lived too far away, and that was why we didn’t get to see him. Luckily, her papa was there—as he always was when my life seemed to crumble—so he filled the gap, thank God.
Even though I cut off all contact with Jim, I was still in regular contact with Ash. We chatted about how her pregnancy was going and how busy her gallery had been lately, and we had the inevitable conversation about Jim and me.
Ash wasn’t judgmental of any aspect of my situation—from my past issues all the way up to Derek. I told her what Britney had said to me after the breakup—and what seemed to be one-hundred percent accurate—Jim or no Jim, I needed to deal with my Derek issues.
The way I saw it was the way it always had been—Derek was the root of every problem in my life or any other life that he touched with his addict bullshit. I was made out to be the bad guy in Jim’s eyes because of that piece of shit. Larry and Annette had been turned into horrible enablers because of their son’s manipulative personality. It was fucked up all the way around, and the source of all the chaos was always fucking Derek.
Ash listened to everything I had to say, and she convinced me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to hear stories from people who’d lived through similar situations and managed to get sober. I knew that a lot of my defensiveness came from a place of knowing I wasn’t able to share my experiences with anyone who could relate. Perhaps this might change that. All I knew was that it couldn’t hurt to see.
I pulled my hair into a ponytail and fastened my hoop earrings before I headed down the outdoor steps of my apartment to where Ash waited for me in her car. I walked by my Aston Martin and couldn’t help but laugh at how fucking stupid it looked here, entirely out of place. It was a stark reminder of the image of mine and Jim’s relationship. What a fucking joke.
“Hey, Ash,” I said, sliding into the passenger’s seat of a brand-new Mercedes, happier to see her glowing and pregnant self than I thought I’d be.
“Hey, you. It feels like it’s been forever, right?” she chirped. “You hungry?” She grinned, remembering well how I loved food more than anything.
“I already stuffed myself before I got ready. Didn’t want to risk there not being any snacks.” I laughed. “Look at you. It’s almost baby time, huh?”
“I should probably say how glorious it is to be pregnant, but I’m ready to have this little man out of me.”
“I feel you on that,” I said as we left the apartment complex and headed toward the freeway. “You should’ve let me drive. Jesus. I’m sorry I didn’t think of how uncomfortable this stage of pregnancy is.”
She arched an eyebrow at me. “Hence the reason Jake insisted on buying me this car. I swear, I don’t adjust to such expensive things very easily. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it wholeheartedly, but good grief with that man sometimes.”
I laughed. “So, have you two picked out a name yet?”
“We’re still officially undecided.” she shrugged. “Although I think we are going to go with John.” She looked over her shoulder and accelerated onto the freeway to merge into the second lane. “That was Collin’s dad’s name. He passed away not too long ago, and he was like a father to Jacob and Jim. He was there for both of the guys when they lost Howard.” She smiled at me. “In case you somehow manage to run into Collin, don’t tell him. Jake wants to surprise him and Jim. He can be such a big goofball sometimes.”
“I don’t think I’ll be running into Collin any time soon, so don’t worry. That’s such a sweet thing to do, naming your son after him,” I said, and then I took notice of how slow we were driving. “I thought this place was about twenty minutes away,” I said, wondering why the hell we were driving so slowly. “Are you getting off somewhere?”
“Oh, my God. Not you too,” Ash said with a laugh. “Jake despises how slowly I drive on the freeway. I think I’m perfectly safe, don’t you?”
I chewed on my lip. “Well, I know I drive a little too fast, so maybe I’m not the one to judge you, but if we have a ways to go on the freeway?” I scanned around, looking over my shoulder and at her.
Her hands were at ten and two, and she cracked me up with how she looked driving. It was like this was her first time out, and I was the driving instructor who was going to determine whether or not she was getting her license.
“We’re fine here.”
“Next time I am driving,” I teased. “So, your stepmom, Carmen, suggested this meeting? How do you think it’s going to go down? I’m feeling kind of nervous.”
“Carmen told me that one of her nursing friends started going to AA after getting out of a relationship with an addict. She had major codependency issues and some addictive behaviors of her own, so she ended up at a meeting because she didn’t have anyone else to talk to who could understand what she was going through. After seeing the bullshit Derek pulled on you at the beach and then hearing your story, I couldn’t help but think of this.”
“Well, I’m glad you suggested it because I don’t think I would’ve ever thought about it.”
“Let’s see what it’s about,” she said encouragingly. “You never know when wisdom is going to decide to smack you upside the head.”
Ash couldn’t have steered me in a better direction with the suggestion of AA, and she and I started to come to these meetings every Friday night. I felt terrible that she was continuing to drive all the way here to do this with me, but Addy got to see her on a few occasions, and my little girl loved that.
Coming to these meetings was oddly comforting to me. It made me feel a lot less alone in the world. People had it so much worse than me, more than I would’ve never imagined, and I was reminded of that tonight when Sharon spoke.
I felt my stomach drop like I was on a roller coaster and tears well up in my eyes. She was speaking directly to my hardened heart and soul with her realization that even though she’d stopped using, she was still sick. Sick because of the addict. Sick because she was always making excuses to enable her husband and not leave. Her codependency and enabling resulted in her children becoming addicts also, something that she’d thought she worked so hard to prevent. Her entire life had been one, long, miserable fight.
I was in tears when she finished speaking, realizing that I was sick like she was. I’d stopped abusing drugs many years ago, but I never stopped hiding and making excuses. I didn’t see it before, but my choices made me as much of an enabler to Derek as his parents were.
“You doing okay, Av?” Ash asked as we got into her car. She could see I’d been crying since we listened to Sharon’s story, and I could only imagine what was going through her head.
I smiled through my tears. “I think I had a breakthrough,” I said with a certain amount of surprise in my voice. “It’s only the beginning, I know, but I get it now. At least I think I do.”
“Sharon’s story was heartbreaking,” she said, rubbing my arm. “May I ask what part of her story got through to you? I saw your entire demeanor change when she was speaking.”
“Week after week, I’ve listened to these people share their stories. My whole life, I’ve felt like I was dealt the shittiest hand possible, and since we’ve been coming here, part of me feels like I’ve softened up a bit, knowing that there’s always someone who has it worse.” I tried to organize my thoughts as they flooded into my mind. It was like a dam of information had burst.
“Don’t get me wrong. I take no pleasure in hearing the horrible things these people have had to endure.”
“You don’t even need to say that. I know you don’t,” Ash said.
“It’s just that—well, I’ve been using the pain of my past as a barrier, I think. I know that sounds strange.” I shook my head, thinking that I probably sounded like a rambling idiot. “It’s not easy for me to admit this, but I think that I’ve probably spent my entire life being the victim. God, I fucking hate that word—victim. If I’m honest about it, I’ve used that word as a justification for me not to share my life with people. It’s the dark cloud that follows me everywhere, but it’s there because I let it be there.” I rested my head against the headrest. “I lost Jim because of it. I was too fucking stubborn to open up all the way. I hid my dirty, dark secrets, allowing Derek to get away with whatever he wanted. My enabling cost me the most important relationship I’ve ever had.”
I started sobbing, and Ash leaned over and rubbed my back as I cried into my hands, the gravity of my actions slamming down onto me like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t just about Jim. It was about my entire life. I’d always blamed my upbringing and young adult life for being the reason why my life always seemed to turn out wrong, not realizing that I was feeding it. I’d been self-sabotaging for as long as I could remember, and now, it felt like everything was coming into focus so suddenly that it made my head spin.
I finally took a deep breath and sat back in my seat. “I need to eat or something.”
Ash laughed as she pointed at a Denny’s across the street. “Breakfast for dinner is always a good idea.”
After filling myself up on pancakes and sausage, we sat at our table, and I fidgeted with my coffee cup quietly.
“You know, when Sharon was talking, my heart broke for why she finally gave up, hoping it would make up for the past of everything that went bad.”
“I know,” I said, curious as to what had struck a chord with Ash.
“After my dad had his heart attack, I did a pretty quick downward spiral. I was an absolute mess, thinking about losing him after I’d lost my mother. Jake tried to help in the beginning, but I instantly snapped at him and pushed him away. I was so frightened of losing everyone that I subconsciously tried to push them away. It sounds so ridiculous, right?” She took a sip of her milkshake and shrugged her shoulders. “My point is that we are all such complex individuals, and I think there is so much going on under the surface, driving us to do things without us realizing it. The fact that you can see where you’ve used the victim role as a crutch—knowingly or not—is crucial because now you can try to control it instead of letting it control you. It’s all about choices and taking back your power. You drive your life. Your life doesn’t drive you.”
I grinned. “I like that—taking back my power. I feel like a weight has been lifted. When Sharon said it was forgiveness that helped her take her life back, that the things that’d happened to her weren’t her fault, that really hit home.”
Ash reached across the table for my hand. “Avery, have you felt that what happened to you since you were a little girl was your fault?”
“My mom overdosing and screwing men? I mean, why would you do that if you loved your child and wanted them around? My grandma killed herself after I moved in. Was it because I reminded her of her daughter? Or was it just the burden of having to take care of me? Either way, she killed herself all the same. And then, of course, there were all the foster parents. We were burdens to them, and they never let us forget it in more ways than one. They just wanted the money.” I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck as I spoke, knowing that talking about it would only help me find a place for my feelings. “No one ever told me any of those things weren’t my fault, so I guess it never occurred to me that maybe they weren’t. By the time I stopped running away and found a good family who cared about me, I was too far down the rabbit hole for any of it to mean anything to me.” I placed my elbows on the table and gripped my forehead, “I guess the weight of that made me feel kind of worthless. Maybe it’s easy to keep making fucked-up choices when your self-worth is non-existent. That’s why I ended up hooking up with Derek against everyone’s advice. After getting pregnant and all that, I just felt like I’d made my bed and now it was time to lie in it. I realize now, that couldn’t have been farther from reality. It seems so clear to me at this moment.”
Ash and I just stared at each other and laughed with my newfound realization. I knew I had a very long road ahead of me, but at least I understood now.
“What are you going to do now?” she asked, stealing the thought from my head.
“Derek is the most toxic thing in my life,” I answered her as I sank back against the booth. “In Addison’s life. I have to get him out of it just like Jim was saying all along.” I shook my head, loving that man for trying so hard and wishing I had been smart enough to listen to him. “I have to find a way to sell my car,” I said. “I have no idea where to start, but I’m going for it. I’ve had an irrational fear—planted by Derek—that the court system would take Addison from me if I ever went after him. He says I’m no better than he is in the court’s eyes, but I don’t believe that. I can’t believe that if for no other reason than the fact that my record is old and his is fresh and still racking up charges regularly.”
“You have no reason to be afraid that she’ll be taken from you. None. I can’t believe he made you think you were no better than he is after everything he’s done,” she said sympathetically. “I wish I’d picked up on this earlier.”
“I wouldn’t have listened,” I answered her truthfully. “It’s why I walked out on Jim and never looked back. He tried helping. I shut him out for it.”
“Out of curiosity, why are you selling the car?”
“That car has to be worth a lot of money,” I said. “I can get a retainer on a lawyer and another regular car to get Addy and me around. In his own way,” I smiled, hoping one day Jim would one day know that he did help me, “Jim helped pay for the lawyers.”
“You’re going for it, then?” She smiled.
“My sponsor, Javier, told me about lawyers who help people in my position.”
“Call Javier tonight, then, and if there’s anything Jake and I can do to support you or help in any way, you know we’ll be there.”
“Would you mind asking Jake if he knows anyone who can help me sell a luxury vehicle? I’d really appreciate that help.”
She smiled. “Done. And if you can’t find another, trust me, Jake’s as much a car enthusiast as Jim is. We have a Range Rover that we never drive. Why don’t we trade the cars out? Jake will sell yours for you, and you can use ours until you find something else.” She eyed me. “You’re going hard and fast. You need to be sure you’re ready for this.”
“I know what I need the most, and that’s to get that addict away from my daughter. If he doesn’t want help, he can destroy his life, not hers.”
“Let’s get out of here,” Ash said with a smile, grabbing the ticket. “Dinner’s on me, sweetie.”
The next month went by slowly and roughly, but it was steady. By the time I got the money to retain a lawyer and begin the custody battle for Addy, Derek had rolled his truck in the canyons and was in critical condition for over a week. I never went to see him in the hospital. I only got reports from Larry and Annette. I was still throwing everything I had into getting custody of Addy, and I was determined to win this case no matter what.
The week after Derek was released, I went over to his house to talk to him about custody, but I didn’t want to go alone, so I asked Javier to go with me, needing the support from my sponsor, and he was more than happy to come along.
Addy played in the backyard with her papa while I got real with Derek.
“You won’t see her again until the court custody battle is over,” I said. “I’m done having her around someone who is constantly putting her safety in danger, Derek. That will never happen again.”
“No, I get it,” he said.
“You need help, Derek,” Javier said gently. “There is a program, but you have to be willing to commit yourself and leave it all behind.”
“Leave it all behind?” Derek laughed. “What does that mean? I’m clean now.”
“A brush with death will sober you up, but you have way too many triggers and enablers here.” Look at me, giving addiction advice. Who would’ve seen that one coming? “You’ll learn more if you really want to get sober. You have to do it for you, though, not for anyone else.”
“What about us, the family you and I started?”
“We lost that a long time ago,” I said. “You have to remove that idea from your mind. We can never be a family, Derek,” I said firmly. “I’m not in love with you. I never really was. Your feelings for me aren’t love either. They’re codependent. You have to make this decision for yourself, but I will get custody of our daughter, no matter what.”
Never in my life would I have imagined Derek agreeing to this, but I think he’d hit his bottom, and he knew that he couldn’t continue in this way. He gave me full legal and physical custody of Addy, and he agreed to pack up his things and head to a ninety-day recovery program in Florida.
I was finally free of all the chaos that I’d helped create in my life. I would continue my healing and keep taking things day by day, but my black cloud had dissipated, and I was determined to let the sun keep shining down on me.
