Who would have imagined how freeing and marvelous life could be when leaving one’s guilt and burdens of their past in the damn past. It wasn’t an easy road, but what helped was staying in contact with Javier and Ash during the rough times.
Once I started down the road to forgiveness, dismantling my defenses wasn’t always easy. At times, I found myself feeling alone and even a bit depressed. As strange as it sounded, I’d grown used to the chaos, and sometimes it felt like I didn’t know what to do with myself without it. That was my dysfunction. I hadn’t been addicted to drugs for a long time, but I had been addicted to the chaos and the fight to survive. Now, things were different, and I was learning how to enjoy the peace that my second chance had gifted me.
Derek had completed his ninety-day rehab, but against the advice of his counselors, he decided to move back home to his parents’ house instead of staying in Florida and moving into a sober living facility. His relapse followed shortly after he arrived in Southern California.
When Derek had initially gone to Florida, Javier had encouraged Larry and Annette to attend counseling for families of addicts, to learn how to stop their cycle of co-dependency and enabling, but they chose not to participate. After Derek’s relapse, however, they changed their tune. Derek had his sponsors, and they managed to persuade him to go back to Florida and stay there, and they convinced Larry and Annette to get the help that they needed too. Derek was addicted to drugs, and they were addicted to Derek. It was a horrible cycle, and it needed to be broken.
Addy and I were moving through life, one happy meal at a time. Her uplifted spirits and constant story-telling kept me going through the tough times as well. She was the reason we spent nearly every other weekend with Jake and Ash. I still couldn’t believe that handsome little son of theirs. Little John had big blue eyes, a head full of dark, black hair, and he was already crawling at six months old.
The day that sweet little chubby cherub was born was the first time I saw Jim again. We shared a glance and a smile, and that was it. We left and continued going our separate ways. I wouldn’t lie and say I felt nothing, or that I was okay with him walking away. Letting him go again without so much as a conversation was the hardest damn thing I’d done since getting on this new road to recovery.
As much as I wanted to regret what had happened between us—me, losing the best thing that’d ever happened to me—I wouldn’t. I couldn’t regret what I’d done, and I wouldn’t make any excuses for it. If it’d never happened, I would have never realized that I needed help. I would have never sought help and started working on myself. So as much as I could’ve wallowed in self-pity or cast blame, I wouldn’t.
He was the best thing that’d ever happened to me for many reasons, but mainly for leading me to find the road of self-love. I knew now that it was impossible to love someone without genuinely loving yourself first, and he’d given me that gift. For the first time in my life, I could honestly say that I loved myself, and that was worth more to me than anything.
The other gift he’d given me was Ash. I was sitting next to Collin in the backseat of Jake’s Range Rover, heading with Jake and Ash to the yacht to celebrate her birthday. We were close to the port where the boat was docked, waiting for us to board. Springtime on the ocean? I knew this was going to be exciting. Ash’s dad and stepmom were caring for the kids at Jake and Ash’s beach house so the grown-ups could enjoy this three-day event.
“Jacob Mitchell.” Ash reached over and gripped his arm as he turned into the parking area, and I saw their massive-ass boat, lit up like fucking Christmas. “Why the hell does the boat look like Jim has been hosting clients on it?”
Jake took her hand and kissed the back of it. “They’re your clients, angel,” he said. “Now, we mustn’t be rude to everyone who has come to celebrate April fourteenth—the very day the world was blessed when you entered it.”
“Good God,” Collin said, eyeing me with a smirk. “You two should just keep this damn yacht excursion to yourselves. Spare us the sappy BS, Jakey.”
“I’m sure you and Avery are so devastated that your single butts might run into a lovely single man or woman too,” he teased with a wink through the rearview mirror.”
“Damn it,” I said as Jake parked the car. “My secret is out now. I’m not here to celebrate Ash’s big day. I was only showing up for dudes and booze.”
“Same here,” Collin said. “Well, the booze part, anyway. These guys aren’t my type.” He laughed.
“Well, you two might be spending it that way.” Ash looked back at us, “If Jake invited my gallery clients, I might not even see him tonight.”
“Oh, you’ll see me, even if I have to steal away the birthday girl. All right, kids. Let’s get it started,” he said, and that’s when I was swept up into a tornado of bliss and craziness.
The yacht was luxurious beyond my wildest dreams. The party crew and catering were out of this world, and I ate more than my share. After moving through crowds of people and meeting Ash’s clients, I was ready to give myself a break and have a martini. It was empty at the bar area, everyone hanging out in their own crowds, enjoying the music, the dancing, and the enchanting atmosphere after the boat took off a couple of hours ago, cruising through the bay.
Even at the bar, situated under the overhead deck, the cool breeze blew through and kissed at my face. I loved the salty air, and this martini was adding to my relaxation.
“Excuse me, ma’am?” I popped the olive in my mouth after cracking some lame joke to the bartender, and I turned to the man at my left.
“Sir?” I said, seeing Jim’s brilliant green eyes, spellbound by his presence.
“Does your husband approve of you, sitting here at the bar all by yourself?”
I eyed him as he sipped his bourbon. His expression was light and happy. I thought I’d never see that look again.
“Why would my husband disapprove?” I asked, playing along like I would’ve when we were in England. I hadn’t seen him in so long that I didn’t know if we were still the same people anymore, but I wanted to talk with him—laugh with him—more than anything.
“Well, you’re dressed as if you’re here and single.” He nodded to where everyone was dancing and enjoying the night out to sea. “And there’s plenty of men out there, eyeing you in this stunning dress you’re wearing.”
I looked in the direction he looked, and then my eyes met his playful ones. “Interesting. To answer your question, though, I’m not quite sure what my husband would think.” I shrugged, “I haven’t seen him in many, many months.”
“Months?” Jim’s eyes widened as he sat next to me at the bar. “What the hell happened? Long-distance relationship?”
“It all started on our honeymoon.” I waved the bartender over and ordered another martini. “We got all caught up in this Henry the Eighth and Anne Boleyn love story, stayed at an amazing castle, and who would’ve thought we’d turn into the pair—the modern-day version, of course.”
“I see you still have your head, so maybe you’re trying to say that he’s the one who got his head cut off?”
“Alas, no,” I sighed. “Anne Boleyn had a few secrets that she chose not to divulge to her beloved Henry—you know, past misdeeds. It turns out that Anne and I had that in common, and we were too stupid to speak up.”
He eyed me. “I do recall that king was extremely hurt, and his rage—perhaps his madness of insecurities and his own personal demons led him to do the worst thing possible to his wife. Could it be possible that your husband did the same?”
“I’m not sure—just as Anne wasn’t sure what the hell was going on in Henry’s mind when he had her executed.”
“Do you believe the queen was innocent?”
“I believe the queen had no other choice in her mind than to keep things from Henry. Unlike that queen, however, I didn’t have people plotting to get my head lopped off.”
He smirked. “This is a sad story. Does it also have a sad ending? I mean, for you and your husband that you haven’t seen for months?”
“Not necessarily.” I took a sip of my martini. “I don’t know about my husband, but like Anne being stuck up in that tower, I sort of went through my own darkness when I learned how very wrong I was to my husband. I wanted to continue to hate everyone and everything for it all going to hell, but it took losing my husband to gain my knowledge that he’d been right about a lot of things. I was just too blind to see it.”
Jim’s face grew serious. “I believe this is the part where you can no longer compare yourself to Anne Boleyn and the mad king who had her killed.”
“No?” I said, curious and smiling at him.
“Well, perhaps your husband was mad like that king, dealing with his own shit, but he got the hell over it, and it took him seeing his beautiful wife again to help him realize he had to have her back in his life. The mad king never changed.” He smirked. “This is where your story should have a better ending, I would assume.”
I felt my heart beating as it always had when I was at a loss for words with Jim, this beautiful face, and his mesmerizing eyes. “I would hope that, since I still have my head, it does end happily.”
His forehead creased while he laughed. “I’ve missed the hell out of you. I’m not here to ask you to take me back, but I have to have you in my life again.”
“If you’re not here to ask me back into your life, sir,” I reached for his hand that held his bourbon, and he turned his hand up to hold mine, “then why in the hell are you here?”
Jim pulled me gently against him. “Jesus, I don’t know where to start, but I think I need to start by telling you that I am so sorry. Whether or not you can ever forgive me for the things I’ve done and said, I want you to know that I love you, Avery.”
I framed his face with my hands, gently kissed his soft lips, and I smiled into his searching eyes. “I forgave you a long time ago, and more than that, I forgave myself for everything that caused me to hurt you.”
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that,” he softly said. “I am just at a loss for words. You look more beautiful than ever.”
“If it helps you find some words, I’ll say this: I never stopped loving you. Ever.”
