I swear, somedays she’s 11 going on 25. But then there are times like this, when she doesn’t feel well and all she wants is me tucking her into bed, and she feels like a little girl again. It’s always an emotional whiplash, but I feel more off kilter today than I usually do during these moments.
With a final look at Annie’s sleeping form, I turn off the lamp and slip out of her room.
Standing in the hallway, I glance at my bedroom door. I know Sasha’s gone. I heard her when she walked past Annie’s door. Which was only possible because while Annie was in her en-suite bathroom I was standing with my ear pressed to the door like the jackass that I am.
I heave out a breath. This morning could not have gone worse. First, I had that fucking dream. It’s another memory that I’m well-acquainted with, but no matter how many times I relive the nightmare, I still wake up rattled. Along with scaring the shit out of me, the dream always reminds that Annie’s the most important thing in my life. And how – with one mistake, one unlocked door – she could be taken from me.
So, when Sasha shook me awake, I was already in a dark mood. Then my mind had to catch up to the fact that I was waking up with Sasha in my bed. I wasn’t lying when I told her I didn’t bring women here. I’ve never had sex in that bed before last night. Not that what we did was as simple as sex. It was more. Which only added to my fucked-up state of mind.
And, to top it all off, I wake up – post-kidnap dream – with a woman in my bed, only to hear my mom and daughter inside the apartment. It was too much. I lost it. I lost the tether on my sanity. And I took out my anger and fear and worry on the only person around.
My chest aches. I never should have said those things to her. It wasn’t a lie, but the way I said it was all wrong. It was hurtful and mean and uncalled for. Rubbing my hands over my face I curse under my breath. She’ll really hate me this time.
Rounding the corner into the kitchen I see that my mom’s ready with her trademark scowl. It’s the one that says you’re an idiot.
“Did you make extra coffee?” I ask, hoping we can skip right past what I’m sure is coming next.
“There’s plenty of coffee,’ she replies. Tone flat. “I offered some to that beautiful young woman, but she seemed to think that you would disapprove of her staying for breakfast.”
“Look mom, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to have her stay over. It won’t happen again.”
Her eyes narrow even more. “It should.”
My steps slow. “What?”
At my confusion, her face softens. “Vincent, honey… you need to let someone in. I worry about you. I know you think you’re doing Annie some sort of favor by staying single, but you need to have a life too. Annie needs to see you having a normal relationship.”
I sigh. We’ve had this discussion before. “Mom…”
She cuts me off. “Sasha seems like a nice girl. She’s smart and kind, and if she can put up with your shit on a daily basis then you should keep seeing her.”
“Just how much did you two say to each other?”
“I recognized her from yesterday. I spoke with her boss at length, who only had good things to say about her.” Mom explains before getting a sad look over her face. “Yesterday she looked like a confident businesswoman, but – this morning – the poor thing hardly raised her voice above a whisper. It was like she was terrified of getting caught. Not by me, but by you. I don’t know what you said to her before you came storming out here, but you hurt that girl. She was trying to hide it, but it was plain as day that she’d been crying. If you care about her, even a little, you need to apologize.”
I feel the chain around my heart tighten. Mad I can handle, but if I made her cry…
I drop my chin, gaze on the ground. “I’ve already fucked up so many times with her. I should probably just leave her alone.”
Mom puts her hand on my forearm. “If you care about her, apologize. Then learn from your mistakes. If she cares about you in return, she’ll forgive you.”
