The movie credits start to run as I watch my two girls sleep on the couch.
My girls.
I’m not sure if my brain is ready to catch up to the feelings in my chest. As much as I want to deny it, as much as I want to pretend my life is perfect just how it is, a part of me accepts that Sasha feels right. She feels right with me. With us. I wanted to situate myself between them, but I’m not sure Sasha would’ve let me… and I didn’t want to create a scene. Annie between us is the perfect metaphor for how I feel.
As the movie progressed, they both slowly slid down into their current resting places. Annie with her head in my lap. Sasha curled against the far side of a couch. A throw blanket shared between them. The sight is nearly too much for me to take in. I don’t know if I should etch it to my memory or scratch it from all recollection.
I’ve had my share of hard days throughout my life. You can do your best to prepare for them, but you never know when they’ll hit or what they’ll consist of. And today, starting before I even woke up this morning, has been one of my worst days in recent memory.
This morning started the chain reaction that led me to this moment. This moment where I’m forced to question everything.
I don’t know why I have these self-sabotaging behaviors, but that’s exactly what I did this morning. That nightmare is not one I have often. I’m not used to it. I don’t think I’ll ever be used to it. So I was already off kilter when I realized that Sasha was still in my bed. That combination alone would’ve been enough to make me crazy, but the sound of Annie coming home sent me into asshole mode. I panicked. I lashed out, snapping at Sasha, implying that she was just some fuck. Letting her think that she wasn’t anything special. It settled a boulder of guilt on my shoulders that still hasn’t lifted.
I tried to apologize when I got back from the store, but it wasn’t enough. I have so much to explain, but I don’t know if I’m ready. And honestly, I don’t know how. I’ve had these self-imposed rules for so long, thinking I was protecting Annie, but now I’m second-guessing them. I figured I was doing Annie a favor by letting her think she’s the only girl I care about. But was that wrong? I thought I was protecting her. I thought I was being smart. But all I did was put myself between a rock and a lonely hard place.
This morning, Annie hadn’t been feeling well and that’s why they came home early. I figured it was too much sugar. Or allergies. Or normal shit. I was in no way prepared to handle Annie getting her period. I thought I had another year, at least. She’s my little princess and I’m not ready for her to grow up. With every milestone, I feel her slipping from my grip a little bit more.
Not knowing how to help my daughter made me feel like a failure. Like I was losing my hold on my carefully crafted life. When my girl came to me crying, worried and embarrassed, I felt helpless. I didn’t know what to do. With my mom out of town and no one else to turn to, it hit me like a fucking brick wall. Annie’s grandma is literally her only female role model. One. She had one woman to look up to. To talk to. To confide in. And my heart cracked.
Annie needs more than just me in her life. She deserves more than that. She deserves a whole army of people to care for her. And when I closed my eyes, my mind only went to one person. Sasha. My fiery sweetheart. Sasha, who wears her feelings on her sleeve. Sasha, who is as kind as she is brilliant. Sasha, who I kicked out of my bed this morning while telling her to hide.
I didn’t deserve her compassion. Sasha owed me nothing, but still she didn’t hesitate to help. Not once she saw Annie. Sasha’s clearly, and rightfully, still pissed at me, but she didn’t take that out on my daughter. She could have. But she didn’t. And it makes me hate myself even more for how I treated her.
Sasha didn’t ask for any of this. I approached her in that bar. I chased her down in that elevator. I changed the plan at work, forcing her to report directly to me. I brought her into my home, breaking my own rule. I dragged my daughter over here. It’s all on me. Every part of this mess is my fault. Earlier, when I forced my hug onto her, I promised that I’d fix this. And I will. I’m just not sure how.
A soft hum comes from Sasha before she slowly sits up, blinking her eyes. The lights are mostly off, but the glow from the TV highlights her beautiful sleepy face. She clamps a hand over her mouth as she yawns, and I watch as her gaze slowly travels over Annie’s sleeping form, before raising up to my face.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to doze off.” She whispers.
I shake my head. “Don’t apologize. I think Annie was out before you were.”
I can see the thoughts tumbling around in her brain. I stay silent, wanting her to say what she’s thinking. But what she says is not at all what I was expecting.
“You two can stay here if you’d like. The guest room is nothing special, but it’s clean.” My face must show my shock and she tenses. “I just meant if you didn’t want to drive home. It’s late. I’m not trying to…”
I cut her off. “That would be really nice. Annie seems comfortable with you. But if it’s imposing too much…”
She cuts me off. “I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t mean it. Don’t be dense.”
The corner of my mouth tips up at Sasha’s attitude.
I give Annie’s shoulder a shake. “Princess.” She mumbles something incoherent, but her eyes open so I know she can hear me. “You okay with staying here tonight?”
Rubbing her eyes, Annie sits up and nods. Then she looks at Sasha. “Can I stay in your room?”
Annie’s words are a sucker punch to my gut. My daughter would rather be with a woman she barely knows than with me.
Sasha gives Annie a soft smile. “Of course. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a sleepover.”
I force my features not to show my hurt when I pull Annie into a hug. “Try to keep the giggling to a minimum. Us old men need our sleep.”
She squirms away from me. “Oh my god, dad. Why are you always so weird?”
