“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.” – Anonymous
Jay
Saturday, September 14th, 2013. 10:52 p.m.
His fingers curl around my upper leg, digging into my thigh as he hits the gas. Right there, below his hand, is a red belt mark from the lashings of last night. It wasn’t harsh or painful. It wasn’t punishment. It was sinful pleasure that brought him to do this to me. Before he fucks me he needs to see I’m his, needs to see his marks all over me. My reddened skin delights him. His smile means I get a treat. Nowadays, coming is the only release I have. He grants me this gift as a reward for pleasing him. This release is all I have left … I’ll do anything for it. I admit, I’ve become a whore to his commands. I don’t care.
Like now, when I’m in his car, letting him feel me up. I don’t know where we’re going, and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that my life and body are in his hands, and that the only way to escape it all is by shutting myself off.
I can already feel my heart falling deeper and deeper into his trap. I yearn for a loving touch, crave his attention, because he is the only one who can give it to me. He’s tamed me. It’s against everything I ever stood for, and yet I let it happen. My body is his. My soul is his. My mind … and my heart is soon to follow. Nobody survives without love, and he is the only one willingly offering it to me. He takes me and kisses my fear away, wraps me in his arms and tells me I’m his, providing me with certainty. How can I not say yes?
I shudder when his fingers leave my lap and my skin is left cold and yearning for his touch. The car slows down and X parks the car in a deserted parking lot, close to a news station. He turns off the gas and waits. Glancing at him, I notice he’s fiddling with his tie while grinding his teeth. He’s waiting for something to happen.
The doors to the building open and out comes a woman in high heels and too-short shorts. Her long ponytail swings from one side to the other as she walks down the steps and looks around the parking lot. X’s brows draw closer as he clears his throat and opens the locks on the door. My heart rate shoots through the roof as impending freedom awaits. The lock is gone. I could open the door, jump out, and run for my life. I could do it right now, while he’s still distracted by the woman walking toward an alley beside the building.
My legs shake and my feet feel numb. Somehow I know I won’t be able to flee. No matter how many times I try, X would always catch me. Or he’d kill me before I managed to get away. And even if for some miraculous reason I escaped, the organization that’s after my head will never let me live in peace.
I’m doomed to spend the rest of my life here with X. My brain just keeps playing these malicious tricks on me that put me on edge, that make me hate the fact that I can’t do anything about it. They keep reminding me that I’m robbed of my freedom, and I don’t want to be reminded at all. I just want to live in the moment and take it as it comes. That’s all I’m going to do. Yup. No more thinking. No more believing. No more hurting. Just be.
For a brief moment X’s eye darts toward me, emphasizing the fact that I’m with him now. He opens the door and steps out, walking around the car to open mine as well. Holding out his hand, he looks down at me with a smug smile on his face. It’s almost as if he can see what goes on in my mind.
I take his silky smooth hand. The gloves he’s wearing feel eerily comfortable as I step out of the car and pat down my tight black dress. Sometimes I’m still amazed when I look down and see myself in this dress. I look classy as hell, even though I’m no lady. X buys all my clothes and decides what I wear and when. It surprises me he wants to see me in this. In the bedroom I’m his slut in a skimpy dress, but when he takes me out I look like some sort of glamour girl.
X even tells me what makeup to put on and how he wants me to look. I do my best to make him happy, because it means fewer problems for me. Except, when I look at myself in the mirror I can’t help searching for the marks he left on me. Seeing them reminds me of my strength and will to survive. Feeling them reminds me that makeup won’t hide the filth underneath.
As he wraps one arm around my waist and beckons me to walk with him across the parking lot, I crawl back into the role he’s chosen for me. I look down as he guides me, his warm hand bringing about strange emotions. I won’t allow myself to feel them, so I watch his gun instead, the metal that decides the course of my life.
“You’re my precious little slut, you know that?” X mumbles as we walk toward the alley.
“Yes, sir, I know I am.”
His hand drifts down to my ass and he squeezes it softly. “Good. Remember it. I’m going to be doing something tonight you will not understand, but I want you to watch, and I want you to remember everything you see.”
My lungs feel constricted. This dress is suddenly too tight to breathe in. “What are you going to do?” I ask.
“Something that must be done.”
I look up to see the monster he’s becoming again. In his eye resides a twinge of anguish, that exact look I despise. The look I’ve come to worship. Two conflicting emotions, two conflicting beings in one. It’s the same look he uses when he bends me over and spanks me until his hand is seared onto my skin. It’s the same look that tells me he owns me. It’s a look that both terrifies me and vexes me. The look is not for me.
It’s for her.
My breathing becomes rapid as we approach the woman in the alley. She shivers from the cold and eyes me from top to bottom.
“Who’s this?” she asks, pointing to me.
“None of your business. Did you do what I told you to do?” X says, his voice gruff and demanding.
“Oh, I fucked him all right. And I went straight to your contact to tell him the news.”
“Good.” X turns to me and I cower under his murderous look. “Stand over there. Do not do anything unless I tell you to,” he commands me.
Then he turns back to the lady … and punches her in the face.
My jaw drops in shock and I cover my mouth with my hand to prevent a scream coming out. The woman winces and tries to punch him back, but he grabs her wrists and pins them to the wall.
“What the fuck was that for?” she yells.
“I told you to make it look rough. You didn’t look roughed up enough.”
“Fuck you. I went to the news and I told them I was used. You said that was enough.”
“Not good enough. Your story might be convincing, but your looks aren’t. A few bruises might do the work.”
“X? What are you doing?” I yell.
He steps away from the woman, taking a deep breath. Then he takes out his gun and points it at her face. She screams and tries to fight him off, but before she has a chance to escape, a bullet has already penetrated her skull. She drops to the floor, dead.
In shock I stare at the scene in front of me. A tear trickles down my face. He just killed some random lady right in front of me. Her life ended just like that. As if it was his right all along. As if he can play with anyone he wants.
“I—I…” I stutter. I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe my eyes.
X turns to me again. I panic, backing up into the alley, away from him, but he keeps stalking toward me. In the darkness his scar becomes even clearer from the moonlight shining down upon us. He truly is a monster.
“Why?” I mumble. “Why do you keep killing them?”
“She had to die.”
“But she did something for you. You promised her something, didn’t you? She would never have done it if this was the outcome.”
“I did, except, I don’t intend to pay hookers when they don’t do their job. Her job was to make it look like she was forced. She didn’t, so I took over that part.”
“And you killed her for it?”
“She had to die.” His voice is eerily dark as he approaches me. When my back bumps against a wall, I panic. I’m trapped.
I scream as he comes closer and grabs my arm, placing his hand over my mouth. I fight him with all I have, but it’s no use; he’s much stronger than I am. Tears run freely down my cheeks as I realize that he only brought me here to witness her death. To see the power he has over people and to threaten me with it.
“Calm. Down,” he commands.
As he holds me in his arms, I twist and turn until my back is against him and I’m facing the wall. He pulls my arms behind my back and tightens his grasp on my wrists, leaning in to whisper in my ear. “It had to happen. I’m trying to protect you.” He’s holding me so tight I can barely breathe. That, or it’s the adrenaline coursing through my veins. “I want you, only you, and I’ll do anything to protect you from them—the people who want your head. Now … will you be quiet or do I have to shut you up myself?”
I swallow and nod, forcing myself to forget the images of a woman being murdered flashing through my mind.
As X takes his hand off my mouth, I mutter, “You killed her … you kill everyone.”
“She was a loose end.”
“Fuck loose ends; she could’ve kept her promise! You didn’t!” I kick back, trying to free myself from his grasp, but he won’t let me go.
“Listen to me, little bird. I told her to fuck the one who’s behind the target on your back, so I can frame him. I’m going to make his life miserable, so that when I’m done with him he’ll beg me to end his life quickly. I will not let anyone stand in the way of me having you all to myself, or my revenge.” He shoves me against the wall, keeping me there with just one hand. “I am not a good guy. I think I told you that many times before. I use people to my advantage until they’re no longer useful to me, and then I get rid of them. She was no longer useful.” His free hand drifts to the front of my body, where it slips under my dress. “Useful … like a puppet under your command,” I mutter as X’s pants begins to tent and his erection prods my back.
“Exactly. Do what I say and you live. Be useful and you live.”
“Am I still useful?” I ask in a haze.
X’s fingers slide up my dress, exposing my bare ass to his thick bulge. “As long as you give me what I want …” he murmurs, nibbling my ear. “You are mine, little bird, to use as I see fit, and I do want you to give everything to me. I will keep your life safe so long as you’re willing to do whatever it takes to please me.” When his hand reaches my thigh, I press my legs together, but it’s no use to keep him out. I’m already melting from his touch. He takes hold of my naked pussy, reminding me why exactly he told me not to wear panties. He spreads my legs with force, sliding his finger down my folds.
“Is this pussy mine?” he asks, licking my neck.
I nod. “Yes, sir.”
X’s fingers dip inside my pussy, causing me to gasp. He swirls around, making me wet to the core. I can tell he knows he has this effect on me. He chuckles and grins against my skin. “Already wet and open to receive my cock. So willing …”
His fingers are dexterous and skillful as he flicks my nub, his other fingers edging close to my entrance. In his arms I quiver as he rubs me fast. His grip on my wrists is harsh and painful, and I can already feel it leaving a red mark. The pain adds to the pleasure as he continues to play with me. He’s right. I am a slut. I tell myself I don’t need this, but I do. I need him so I can live. I need him so I can feel alive. He makes me feel everything.
“See what a little slut you are?” he says. “Don’t deny it. Love it. I’ll show you what it means to belong. Now come.”
The orgasm comes out of nowhere, responding to his touch and voice. It flows through me, setting my body on fire. His command alone was enough to set me off. He keeps toying with my nub, flicking it, even while I’m coming. My body zings from his touch. I can’t get enough. I still want more, still crave his attention. He keeps offering it to me. With his hand on my pussy and his fingers rubbing me roughly, he gives me mind-blowing pleasure.
I’m on the verge again when he breaks contact and leaves me hanging, panting. I glance over my shoulder. The sound his tie makes as it slips off his neck sends shivers down my spine.
He licks his lips. “Arms behind your back, little bird. Do not disobey me.”
I keep my arms locked together while he wraps the tie around my wrists and knots it. “Good girls don’t fight. Bad girls get tied up,” he says, kissing my shoulder blade. His kiss turns into a bite, and I cry out in pain. He puts his finger in my mouth and says, “Suck, slut. Show me how much you’re willing to give me everything.” It stings when he takes his mouth off my shoulder. My mind is playing with me, telling me to bite down on his finger, but I know I might die if I do. The will to live is stronger than the will to fight.
I can taste myself as he swirls his finger around in my mouth. He groans as his hand drifts down to my ass and jerks up what remains of my dress. I’m completely exposed now, and when I hear his zipper being pulled down, I know what’s going to happen.
“This little slut wants a cock? She’ll get a cock,” he says. The tip of his shaft pushes against my entrance as he wipes it back and forth over my pussy and ass. I groan from the teasing, feeling tormented sexually as well as mentally. Gripping the tie, he enters and fills me up completely. Air escapes my mouth as I feel him thrust in and out of me, pushing me up against the wall.
“You like this cock?” he grunts, his breath becoming rapid and loud like a bull blowing off steam.
Nodding is not enough. He grabs my hair and slams my head firmly against the wall.
“Say it!” he growls.
“I like your cock, sir.”
“Not. Good. Enough,” he says, jerking harder on my hair while fucking me roughly.
“I want your cock, sir. I love it,” I say, spreading my legs to grant him more so he’ll be nicer.
“Yeah, I know you do, you filthy whore.” He pulls his cock out. Fazed, I hear the sound of his belt flipping through the rings. Oh, no.
“Oh, yes,” he whisper-laughs.
Did I say that out loud?
Before I have a chance to respond, he wraps the belt around my neck and fastens it. With his fingertips he nudges me down until I can barely stand upright. “Keep that position.”
Twisting the belt until the loose end is in his hands, he pulls it hard, and then drives into me again. I can feel every little ridge of the piercings in his cock as he drives into me. I can barely breathe as he fucks me from behind, using the belt as some sort of leash. I feel like an animal, and yet this fucking is driving me mad. Madly into bliss. It turns off every bit of shame, emotion, remorse, hurt in my body and only allows me to experience what’s happening right now. Him, claiming my body, over and over again.
His cock is rigid and pushes deep inside me as he pulls hard on the belt. It’s the only thing keeping me from tumbling forward, and I trust him not to let me fall. He wants me in this position, to be the slut he wants me to be. And slowly but surely I am turning into just that.
My pussy is fluttering around his shaft, craving more of his pounding until I’m at the edge of ecstasy. It wants to come so badly, but I know that if I do, I might get punished. But I can’t deny that his cock makes me insane with lust, that I’m losing control over my orgasm. That I have no say in whether I come or not. I just do.
“Do you want to come again, huh?” His voice is smoky and dark. “Does this little slut want to milk me so badly?”
“Yes, sir, please … can I come?” I say. He pulls so hard on the belt I nearly choke.
“No.”
I growl and groan from frustration as he thrusts into me once more. It’s hard to keep it together when his cock starts pulsating inside me. I can feel everything: his hot breath lingering on my skin as he leaves little bite marks all over my shoulder, the way he grinds me, how he groans and breathes like a madman overcome by sheer lust.
“You want my cum, you dirty whore?”
“Yes, please,” I say, taking a deep breath to retain my calm.
He jerks on the belt and whacks my ass with a flat hand, making me scream. “Louder.”
“I want your cum, sir.”
“Beg for it.”
“Please, give me your cum.”
As I whimper and groan from his thrusts, he explodes inside me. His shots come out with loud growls as he fills me with his warmth. “Now come,” he groans.
The command brings me over the edge. The explosion courses through my body, which pulses with need as I come together with him. My pussy feels warm and sated. When he’s done, he slaps my ass again, leaving a painful sizzle.
Suddenly, he pulls his cock from my pussy and twirls me around. “Down. On your knees.”
A push is all that’s needed to bring me to my knees. I’m weak. Willing. Offering. Unlike me.
With the belt still in his hands, he starts rubbing himself. He jerks himself in front of me, looking down upon me with teeth jammed together as if he hasn’t decided whether he wants to screw me again or screw me over.
He flicks the head and runs his hand along the shaft, then slaps me with it.
“Suck all of it off,” he says, pulling on the belt to get my head closer. “Suck until it’s clean.”
I lean forward, but he pushes me hard into his cock. Even when half-hard, he still makes me choke on it. I lick, suck, and plead with my eyes until he’s satiated. Rubbing his lips together, he groans as he takes his cock from my mouth and inspects it.
“Good girl. You lapped it all up.” X grabs my chin and nudges me to stand. My breath comes out in short gasps as he takes off the belt. Suddenly, he leans in to plant a kiss on my lips. I’m taken by surprise as he claims my mouth, his tongue probing at the seams. He’s eager and I can feel his desire to have me in every way possible, just from this one kiss. It’s almost as if … No, that’s not him. He could never want my heart.
With his lips massaging mine, he unties my wrists. He brings his hand to my pussy and dips it in, to my surprise. I gasp in his mouth as he speaks the words, “I want you to drip as you walk back to the car. Let my cum run down your legs and show the world that you belong to me.”
