“People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it.” – Anonymous
X
“What are you doing?” Jay screams. “Let me go!”
I raise my gun, aiming at her father. Voices in my head tell me to shoot and blow his brains out. I must, but I can’t. Not with her in danger. I can’t put her at risk. I won’t.
“Don’t,” her father hisses. “Or she dies.”
My nostrils flare as I shake my head. “You bastard.”
“Dad …” she whimpers, tears staining her cheeks. “Why?”
“You’re a fucking disgrace, that’s why,” he says. “You and your constant whoring; you ruined my campaigns with your escapades.”
“Don’t fucking do this,” Jay says.
“Shut up,” her father says. “And you.” He flicks his head toward me. “You had to butt in every fucking time. I hired your family to kill, not to stuff your dick where it didn’t belong.”
“Shut your fucking mouth!” I yell, veins protruding from my skin as I struggle not to pull the trigger. My mind is raging with thoughts of murdering him. The son of a bitch deserves to die, but if I shoot now, she might get caught in the crossfire.
“You fucked me once, you don’t fuck me twice, kiddo. I can tell you got what you deserved.”
Fuck him. I’m fuming, dying to pull the trigger. How dare that motherfucker refer to my scar.
“Please …” Jay mumbles, pleading with me with her eyes to stop this. I wish … that I could without hurting her.
“And you …” her father directs his attention back to Jay. “When you hit your head, I finally had a way to rid myself of you, but you couldn’t help fucking up wherever you went. Even fucking states away people still heard about ‘that girl,’ and obviously connected you to me. Do you know what a fucking stain on my rep you are? Disgusting.” He spits on the floor. “You are not my fucking daughter.”
“Enough!” I yell. I’ve had enough of his fucking insults.
Her father tenses. His arm clenches around Jay’s waist and the gun is pushed into her flesh. She shivers. Death looms over her shoulder. I cannot let this happen. I must interfere.
“Don’t you fucking make a move,” her father says to me, “or she dies.” He laughs when he sees my enraged gaze. “Oh, yes, I know you don’t want her to get hurt. Fucking lovebirds. Disgusting.”
Of course he doesn’t want us to be anywhere near each other. After the accident with her mother he’s been nothing but a pain in the ass to both of us. I should’ve killed him when I had the chance.
He grabs Jay’s chin and slaps her cheek. My blood starts to boil. “I hope this slut gave you enough pleasure, because it’ll be your last,” her father says. “I never wanted a filthy girl anyway. Why your mother couldn’t just give me a proper boy is beyond me.”
“I’ll fucking kill you!” I roar.
Her father chuckles. “I wouldn’t try. If you take me out, I’ll take her out with me. You don’t want that, now, do you?” He presses the gun even further into her head.
He’ll do it. I can see it in his eyes. He never cared for her. To him, she was always a nuisance. A girl instead of a boy. Someone who brought him shame. He’s always hated her, even more than I ever did. Hesitance is not something he knows. If I pull this trigger, so will he. She will not survive.
There are only three options here. I kill him, he kills her, I’m left in shambles. If I surrender, he’ll kill her and then me too. He wanted her dead from the beginning, so he won’t hesitate to pull that trigger. If I shoot her first to get him distracted, I hurt her. None of those is a desired outcome. However, there is one last choice, which I know now I must make. When he’s distracted, she can take her chance and save herself. Retribution will be in her hands. It’s all I have left to give.
I look into her eyes and see them glazed with tears. For the first time, I truly see her. Witness the depths of her heart. Wrecked. Crushed. Caused by me. I am the evil that must be extinguished. The equation is clear.
“Don’t …” Jay murmurs, her lip quivering.
Clenching the gun in my hand, I do the only thing I know I can to fix this.
“Goodbye, Jay.”
I place the gun to my own chest and pull the trigger.
***
Jay
Screams engulf me, emanating from the depths of my soul. Unreal.
Everything X did, all the memories come together in a vortex of emotions. Devotion. Need. The struggle for power. X wanted it all. It was too much for him. His desire for revenge and his yearning to claim me clashed, and now he has paid the price.
An explosion of emotions whirls through me, filling me with adrenaline and power. My father is momentarily distracted by what X has done, so I take the opportunity to free myself. Separating my teeth, I bite down on my father’s arm. He roars in pain as I push myself from his arms and grab his wrist. Twisting it, I make him drop the gun. Then I kick him in the nuts. As he drops to the floor, I pick up the gun, pull the lever, and aim.
“Wait,” my father says.
“Why should I?”
“It was a game.” He holds up his hands. “I wasn’t actually going to kill you. I was just doing it to be able to escape.”
I snort. “Yeah, right.”
“I’m your father. I would never do that to my own kid. I know he would. You hate him, don’t you? He’s down now, so let’s run.”
When he tries to get up, I shoot him in the leg. His pained squeals entice me. It’s the very first time I enjoy hearing someone beg for their life. It won’t be the last time. Once you know what it’s like to make a person bleed, that love continues forever. The thirst never ends.
“Please, don’t,” he says.
“I. Don’t. Hate. Him,” I say through gritted teeth. “I hate you.”
And then I pull the trigger. One bullet, clean through his head. His eyes roll into the back of his head, his limbs spread across the asphalt. Streams of blood draw lines on the ground like a canvas drenched in maroon-colored paint.
The thought that my father’s life has ended stays with me no longer than a second. I rush to X. Tucking the gun into my pocket, I slide on my knees to his side. He’s gurgling; the bullet penetrated his lungs. His black suit is stained with his own blood. His fingers twitch under the weight of the gun.
I throw it away and tear off a piece of my dress, plugging the hole in his chest with it. Of course it’s no use. In shambles I sit beside him, crying my eyes out. Not in a million years did I think this would happen, and now it has. X is dying and there’s nothing I can do about it, even though my heart screams for him. It begs for him to stay with me. I need him. Without him this world is too dark to handle.
“Don’t die,” I say out loud. I can’t hold it back anymore. I know in my heart that what he said was true. He was right all along, but I didn’t want to admit it. We had both already lost the game. There is no winner here.
His gaze is set on me alone as he lifts his hands and cups my face. I lean into him, feeling his loving touch. Placing my hand on top, I entwine my fingers through his. “Don’t leave me, X. You can’t do this. Why did you have to shoot yourself?”
He coughs up more blood. “It was the only way.”
“This was not the only way! You didn’t have to die!”
He smiles. “Now you are free to do as you wish, little bird.”
“How can you smile right now?” I yell at him. I regret it immediately.
“Because you’re still here, sitting right next to me, holding my hand.”
His words bring more tears to my eyes. In the distance I can hear people screaming. It isn’t a surprise that they found us, considering it’s broad daylight. I look back and see a woman holding a phone to her ear. Good. I hope she’s calling nine one one.
“Jay,” he croaks.
“Shh … don’t talk. It’ll only make it worse. Let’s wait for the ambulance. Someone’s calling them right now.”
“No. I need to tell you this. Whatever I did, forget all of it. Please, only keep the good memories of when you and I were still kids …” He groans. “Forget about X.”
“No!” I grip his hand and bring it to my mouth, kissing it. “You were right. I ran because I was scared. I wanted freedom … but I also wanted you, which scared me so much more. When I saw those text messages I used them as a tool to free myself.” I sigh. “The things a girl does when she’s cornered.”
He smiles, the look in his eye softening by the minute. “I wanted you to be mine. I sacrificed everything to get you. It was all in vain. I should’ve just let you live your life.”
“No, it was not in vain!” I lean over him and grab his face. “Look at me.” His eyes are slowly closing. “You have me. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“My scars …” He groans. “That day your father found us kept replaying in my head, over and over again. I blamed you for everything. I wanted you to feel the same pain I have. But now … I just want you, over and over again.”
He coughs, and more blood pours up. I struggle to keep his wound closed.
“Don’t talk,” I say. “I know what you mean.”
He tilts his head, trying to keep his eye on me the whole time. His fingers twitch, beckoning me to come closer. I lean in and press my lips on his. In the darkness his taste is the only thing I cling to. His rugged lips are the only comfort I have now that everything fades away. I won’t let go. I won’t leave him. We’ve been through so much together. Because he loved me so much, he hated me. The deepest feelings can shift from one axis to the other in the blink of an eye. His were ever shifting, always searching for closure. His revenge gave him a goal. By falling for me, his goal had been taken away. And then his new goal became claiming and owning me.
His kisses show me the same. His tongue still dips out to meet mine, despite having little energy to do so. He’s putting everything he has into kissing me. Giving me all he has. All the suffering I was put through was a mistake. I know it was. His regret seeps through every pore, his wantonness for me clearer by the day. He’s always been in love with me.
Like I am in love with him.
Despite what my brain is telling me, my heart has already caved. I wasn’t struck by love; I have always had it in me. He was always there, watching over me, caring for me, desiring me. I felt needed, wanted, sexy, and strong. In his arms I felt like I could handle the world.
Nobody has ever made me feel that way.
This was never about a game. It was a battle already lost. We were just two wounded people trying to find each other again.
I kiss him to take away my worries just for a little while. Salt from my tears seeps into our mouths as I can’t stop craving his lips. I need to feel him, even if it is just temporary. I long for his adoration. I am a slave to his commands. His wishes are my desires. His inflicted pain is my gifted release. With him I am able to let go and be free. Free as a bird. His little bird.
“I want to fly with you,” I say. “Please.” I hold his hand and squeeze it tight.
I don’t want to fall. Not anymore.
But when he starts gasping I know the end is near.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
He can’t die.
I need him.
Time stands still and the realization hits me that I was never free. My heart wasn’t free to begin with. It was already devoted to him from the moment I laid my eyes on him long ago. Even after all the misery he put me through, I still need him. I want him more than anything.
And now he’s slipping away.
“I love you,” I whisper, and then give him another gentle kiss.
As I take my lips off him, my mind goes into survival mode. I feel like I just survived dropping down the Grand Canyon, and find myself having to climb back up a wall covered in needles. X is unmoving, his eyes closed. My heart stops.
From that moment on everything happens in a blur. The sirens of the ambulance and police cars roar as they approach the building. X barely breathes as they lift him onto the stretcher. Policemen run to me and grab my arms, pinning them behind my back. They fish the gun from my pocket and secure it before dragging me off. I ignore them and keep my eyes solely on X. I need to see him one last time. He hasn’t opened his eyes since I last said the words that meant everything but came too late.
It was always too late.
