“Goodness is subjective.” – Notes of X
X
Control is an illusion. Even in the direst situations we are incapable of influencing that which cannot be influenced. My conscience is one of those things.
I look at my watch and check the time. Five minutes past the deadline. The choice has been made. A choice that will not go unpunished. However, I will be damned if I do what they ask of me. Killing her wasn’t part of the plan, it never was. She was supposed to suffer, but not to the point of annihilation. I wanted her to live with the pain, the regret, the anger, the hurt, but what I found was worse. Someone who had lost all will to live. Someone just like me.
Except, when I burst into her room, she suddenly regained the strength to fight.
I can’t lose that. It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. That viciousness in her eyes as I took from her what she deemed hers: her freedom. I don’t want to lose it. I treasure it. I want to keep it and claim it as my own.
I will take her and make her mine. Her suffering should last longer than just these few years. If they want her dead, they can pry her from my cold hands. I will not let them take what is mine. Her life is mine to give and take. I decide when this game is over.
Opening the door, I peer outside and spot the two black cars in the parking lot. There’s one more down the road. Three guys. One is inside, the others are missing. Going from previous experience, one will be waiting in the clerk’s room, while the other is perched right beside the building, waiting for me to come out.
I turn back around and close the door. Jay comes up from her seat, her face pale like she’s seen a ghost. Her eyes dart from the closed window to the door I’m standing in front, and then to my gun. I know what she’s thinking.
“You won’t escape. The window is locked.”
“Why haven’t you killed me?” she asks, her face going slack. She’s falling apart. Being on the brink of death has ruined her. I am a monster, because I revel in the sight. I live to see this anguish on her face.
With determination I stride toward her and grab her arm firmly. All of a sudden she recovers her will to fight back and she’s trying to jerk herself free. I push the gun into her stomach. “Stop resisting.”
“What are you doing? Let go of me!”
I ignore her and move straight for the door, dragging her along with me. If this is going to happen, it’ll happen now. I have the upper hand. They’re not expecting me to come out yet. The ball is in my court now, and I have made my decision.
Before I open the door, I turn her toward me, forcing her to look me in the eye. “Don’t make a sound. Don’t move unless I tell you to. You come with me and do as I say, got it?”
She nods rapidly, her breath coming in short bursts. Not convinced.
“Say it!” I push the gun further against her belly. “I won’t hesitate to end your life anyway.”
“I know. I won’t.”
“Good girl. You’re starting to learn.” I open the door and take her with me, my gun against her waist so I can shoot her if she attempts anything crazy. First, I need to find those bastards and kill them. I’m going against everything I was taught, but I have no choice. They’re going after what’s mine, and I won’t allow it. Even if they put me on the job, I’m not finishing it. And I’ll be damned if I let them finish it for me. I’ll fucking keep her to myself if I want to. Fuck the organization. Fuck the code. I’ll kill them all if I have to. I don’t give a shit about them or anyone else. I’ll get my money elsewhere.
As we walk along the boardwalk, one of the guys steps around the corner. The sound of my gun going off surprises Jay so much she shrieks.
“Quiet!” I hiss, moving forward.
One dead, two to go.
I can’t find Antonio anywhere, and something tells me he got tired of waiting and left it to his buddies to solve this problem. Asshole. I’ll deal with him later. First, I need to get out of here.
The one in the car comes next. The burger that was in his hands drops to the floor as I gun him down. Blood pours from his shirt like a wine stain. Jay whimpers in fear. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling. No, seriously, I can’t. I don’t feel anything. Is that wrong? Maybe. Do I care? No. I live for myself, and fuck me, I will live.
I’m having trouble holding on to Jay, because she keeps lingering on those dead bodies, keeps looking back. I jerk on her arm. “Stop wasting my time!” I say, pushing forward. We have to be quick or we’ll die. Be fast or get killed, that’s the one rule in life.
Her eyes suddenly widen. “Behind y—”
Before she can speak the words, the bullet has already left my gun. I don’t even have to look to know where he’s at; her eyes say enough. The smack that follows when his body hits the ground makes me smile. I would grin, if it wasn’t for the fact that I take no pleasure in randomly killing people without having had the opportunity of playing with them a bit. I like my victims screaming and begging for death before I take it, not silent and easy.
Oh well, I guess that’s bound to happen when you defy the orders you were given.
Jay stares at me, her eyes big, her face white, and her lips slightly parted in a way that is rather attractive. I must say, I do like her looking all perplexed. I can’t wait to see what she looks like once I get my hands on her. Oh, the punishment she’ll endure … I’m already getting a hard-on just thinking about it.
“Who were they?” she asks.
“Business people.”
“What kind of business?” she squeals, horrified.
I roll my eye. “Not this again. C’mon.” I drag her with me to my black Bentley Onyx, open the door, and shove her inside. I close it and quickly hop in myself. She jams herself against the window, fiddling with the handle to open it again. I put the kiddie lock on and she screams in frustration, banging the window in anger.
“Let me out of here! You can’t do this!”
“Oh, but I can, little bird.”
“Are you going to keep me prisoner forever?” she yells. “Let me go!”
She fights with the door again, smashing it endlessly, tearing up my car. In anger I point the gun at her head and shout, “Sit still or I’ll put a bullet in your head!”
She stops immediately, her eyes widening again as the gun is against her forehead. Her lips purse and she takes a breath. “If you were going to kill me, you would have done it by now. I don’t believe you.”
I move the gun and shoot the seat beside her. She jolts from being startled.
“Jesus!”
Such a waste of my car, but I had to shut her up.
“Just because I haven’t doesn’t mean I can’t and won’t. This gun is loaded and I will use it if I have to. You will listen to me. Don’t take me for a fool. I’ve killed more men than you have had sex with, and that says a lot. I murdered the first when I was only nine years old. Do not think I will hesitate to put a bullet through you. I’m not someone you mess with.”
She shakes her head, her cheeks red and her eyes watery. That little speech shut her up nicely.
“Your life is in my hands now, and you’ll do as I say.” I grab her chin. She whimpers. “Do you understand?”
“Yes,” she stammers.
“Yes what?”
“Yes, sir.”
It sounds good to hear her say that. For years I have waited for her respect. Not that she gives it to me freely, but still, I enjoy it. She needs to know who’s in charge and who she owes her life to. I won’t let her die without having all of her first. I won’t let her leave until I’m satiated. I need my fill of revenge.
And I plan to take all of it soon.
Just before I drive off, I spot Antonio in the distance, coming back with a Starbucks coffee. When he sees me and my passenger shoot past him in a car, he drops it.
***
Friday, August 16th, 2013. 7:30 a.m.
When we arrive at my private hotel room in Austin the first thing she does is gasp and walk to the windows. With her hands on the glass she admires the view, while I drop my bags of equipment on the floor and close the door behind me. I make sure it’s locked before I direct my attention back to her. I wonder if I should tie her up again or if she’s going to remain quiet and obedient this time. It would be easier. Then again, I do love the sight of a woman tied up. Oh, the things I could do to her …
But first, I need to figure out what I’m going to do with her. What I’m going to do about the job now that I blew it all. We’re both in danger. They’ll be coming after me in no time. If I know the organization well, they already know about my cop-out. Antonio must have told them—it’s his job. I don’t blame him; I would do the same if I was in his position. However, I will have to end their relations with Jay quickly. I’m guessing my best option is to pay the organization with money from my own pocket to shut them up about the lost job. And I suppose I’ll have to kill the contractor to stop him from pursuing his desire to kill her. Whoever it is that wants her dead.
I clear my throat, and she turns around. Biting her lip, she wraps her arm around her waist and clings to the window as if it is her only protection against me. How foolish. She’s caged with a beast. She can’t escape me. She never could.
“You will remain here.”
“How long?”
“As long as I desire it.”
“Why?” Her frown makes me uneasy. Not because I care, but because it shows her intent on fighting me again.
I fiddle with the gun in my pants. Her eyes dart toward it, which is exactly why I did it. I want her to know my intentions. I want to sear them into her mind so that she’ll never forget who owns her now.
“I have decided to spare your life for now.” I entwine my fingers behind my back and position myself rigidly in front of the door to show her there is no way out.
“And why’s that?”
“Because you are mine now.”
She snorts. “Preposterous.”
“We’ll see.”
“I have a job I have to get back to,” she says, sighing.
I chuckle. “You can forget about that.”
She rolls her eyes. “And what would you have me do? Spend my days wallowing here in your room? Beg you for my freedom? Be your slave?”
I can’t help the devious smile from appearing on my face. I dislike the word ‘slave,’ but I like the idea behind it. And oh … the marvelous ideas that pop into my head when she says that word ‘beg’ … all the ways I could make her beg. “Perhaps.”
She clenches her teeth. “You can’t keep me here …”
“Watch me.” I lean against the wall, picking up a lighter and a pack of cigarettes. I’ve been dying for a smoke ever since I found her in that room.
“And then what? Is this supposed to scare me?” she says, her hand fisted like she’s trying to resist, even though there is no way out of this.
I smile and put down the lighter. “If you think I am doing all this just to scare you, you’re mistaken.”
“Then what is the reason, huh? Why are you keeping me prisoner?” She fights the tears in her eyes. I can’t help feel a little overcome with the urge to grab her and kiss her to take away all the hurt. However, I can’t. The past cannot be erased. What we are is set in stone and nothing can chafe away the rugged surface of our souls. I’d be a liar if I said it doesn’t pain me to see her hurt, but I like pain. I live for it. I was reborn in it.
I don’t fear it. On the contrary, I survive on it. Pain is a means to an end and her pain is my end. If she stops feeling pain, then so do I, and that would mean the end.
It’s too soon.
I need her pain to feel alive. And so, I will continue to make her answer for her sins.
“A man must do what a man must do,” I say.
“A man? How can you call yourself a man? You’re a monster.” The look in her eyes, so in awe of my wickedness, is exhilarating.
I smile. “Thank you.”
Her jaw drops, a brow rises, and she snarls. It’s amusing to see the mixed emotions scatter on her face. “Are you insane? Why are you thanking me?”
“Because I’d rather be a monster than a man in your eyes. Being a monster beats being a wretched human being. You’ve freed me of the burden of having to act sane. So yes, you could say that I am insane.”
She just stares at me, her mouth open, but in complete silence, like she’s at a loss for words.
“Believe me when I say you are better off with me than out there,” I say.
“You’re mad! You wanted to kill me, and now you say I’ll be safe with you?” she scoffs.
“I never said you’ll be safe with me. I can get quite dangerous …” A smile quirks up my face.
She shivers. Clutching her body, she stampedes toward me. “Let me out.”
I grab both her arms, squeezing tight as I hold her back and look down at her. “You don’t want to do that.”
“I want anything but staying here with you.” She tries to jerk free, but I keep her close, forcing her to listen. She cannot leave me, because I won’t allow it, but I’ll give her a good reason as well.
“Do you think I am the worst thing that could overcome you?” I lean forward and whisper into her ear. “There is more evil out there than you think.”
Her breath comes in short gasps, her tits pushing up against me as her chest rises. Courage is making place for fear again, I can feel it on her skin. It’s riveting. She fights me, her arms locking with mine as she attempts to free herself from my grasp, but I twist her in my arms and keep her hands behind her back. Her ass is bumping against my cock, straining it to the limit. God, I love it when she struggles.
I never stopped loving it.
“Do you think I’m the only one who came for you, huh?” I whisper in her ear. “That I’m the only one who wants you dead?”
She shakes her head, and I can feel her heart thrumming through her chest.
“Did you see those men that were following us? Can you guess what they wanted?”
“Me?”
I smirk. “Great deduction. Now, there is a difference between them and me; can you tell me what it is?”
It’s quiet for a few seconds. I guess she really hasn’t figured it out yet.
“They want your head. I want your body.”
She swallows, and it turns me on so much I want to rip off her clothes right now and do her against the door. But I don’t. Taking her would be so easy, it would take all the fun out of it. I want her to offer herself to me willingly. I want to see the regret in her eyes afterwards when she realizes she gave her body to the devil.
“But …. I don’t understand. I thought you wanted me dead?”
“I did. Now I want more.”
She gasps. “Why? What changed?”
“I did.”
I push her forward. She stops and looks back, afraid of what’s going to happen. I urge her to sit down on my bed, but she seems reluctant. Still on edge. Love it.
“There is a bounty on your head,” I say.
“What? Why? What have I done?” she says, shocked. “Well, I know I’ve been using … drugs … and … well, I’m not exactly a nice girl.” She snorts, and then immediately her face becomes serious again. “But those are all small things; that doesn’t warrant me being killed. I haven’t done anything outrageous, and I don’t have loans.”
“There are powerful people out there who want your heart on a platter. Don’t think you can take this lightly. You cannot go back to the way it was.”
She wraps her hand around the bedpost. “And you? You were hired by them?”
I nod.
“So I was right, you are an assassin.”
“And I could still easily kill you and claim my bounty.”
She cocks her head and squints, and it almost looks like she sees something in that statement. As if she’s concocting a plan. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“Because I’m tired of having to keep you from escaping. Tying you up is tedious work, albeit very rewarding.” I detect a hint of disgust in her eyes, but at the same time she seems unable to retort. It’s like her inner demon is telling her to accept everything that’s coming for her. Fascinating. I flash her a smile and cup her chin. “I have decided to keep you as my own.”
She snorts. “Right. Like I would let you do that. You don’t own me.”
“Oh, but I do. You see, I hold the gun.” I grab the metal in my holster. “It determines whether you live or die. I determine whether you live or die. If you go out there”—I point at the door—“you’ll get shot within one second. And do you know what the worst part is?” I lean forward, my thumb tracing her plump lip until it parts. “They want you dead, too. You have no chance out there. With me you might. Now choose. Certainty or uncertainty. Which do you pick?” I coax my thumb into her mouth and raise an eyebrow as she tries to close her mouth. “Anger me, and you’ll die. So keep those teeth to yourself, little bird. I enjoy handing out pain, I don’t like receiving it.”
I draw out my finger and wipe her saliva on her cheek. Then I walk about the room.
She gazes at the painting on the red wall across the room. Her eyes seem dull and vacant, like she’s still processing the immense experience she had. It was only a day ago when she was still dangling from a pole, and now she is here, with me, as a prisoner forced to do my bidding.
The realization that she’s subjected to my will finally hits her and it’s marvelous to see.
I clear my throat. “Now, you’ll stay here and behave. There’s food and beverages in the tiny fridge. You can use the bathroom if you want. You’ll find fresh clothes in the closet. Clean yourself up and get rid of that nasty stench that asshole Daryl left.”
“Billy …” she sighs.
“Right.” I shrug.
“Anyway, there are locks on all the windows and the door is closed too; I have the key to all of them. There is no phone and no way out. You cannot get away. Scream all you want, nobody cares. I’ve told the staff I’m having delirious sex with a prostitute. They know I fancy hard play and toys.” The look in her eyes changes a couple of times when I say that, from panic to curiosity to sheer embarrassment. “Plus, I bribed them. So don’t even think about escaping. It won’t work, and I will find out if you’ve misbehaved. Stay here and wait until I get back.”
“Where are you going?” she asks as she gets up from the bed.
“To take care of unfinished business,” I say as I walk toward the door. Before I open it, I look over my shoulder and watch her cover up her body as I slide my eyes over her. “You’d better be dressed properly before I come back or I might claim what’s mine sooner than you expect.”
Then I walk out the door and lock it behind me.
