Ollie vB:
Saw Zach’s parents bride shopping for him after brunch today.
Zach Sun:
For the last time, my aunt is not my parent.
Ollie vB:
She raised you, you are eternally embarrassed of her, and she says the cringiest shit.
For all intents and purposes, this woman is your parent.
Romeo Costa:
I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Oliver.
Romeo Costa:
Anyone who fucks you up to this extent is a parent.
Romeo Costa:
Now define bride shopping.
Ollie vB:
Glad you asked.
Ollie vB:
They literally approached innocent women, asking them for their birthdates and list of hereditary illnesses.
Ollie vB:
Your Ayi even pointed to one and said aloud, “This one’s too small to carry Sun-sized babies.”
Zach Sun:
[Retreating into a Bush GIF]
Romeo Costa:
ON THE STREET?
Ollie vB:
No, you uncultured swine.
In Hermès.
Romeo Costa:
And they say love doesn’t have a price.
Ollie vB:
Whatever the price may be, Zach would say it’s inflated and refuse to pay.
Zach Sun:
This is embarrassing.
Romeo Costa:
Not as embarrassing as having your dick pic enlarged in a court of law as part of a bitter custody trial between your former lover and the vice president.
Ollie vB:
I wouldn’t go as far as calling that an embarrassment.
Ollie vB:
Perhaps a mild inconvenience?
Romeo Costa:
Jesus, Ollie.
Romeo Costa:
People made shirts with the imprint of your cock on them and the slogan HE HAS MY VOTE.
Ollie vB:
I found it rather flattering.
Ollie vB:
And I’ll have you know my dick pic was the least offensive thing to cum out of politics in the last decade.
Ollie vB:
The only downside about it is—now people want to take a picture with it because it’s famous.
Romeo Costa:
How is that a downside?
Romeo Costa:
You’ve made enough sex tapes to open your own Pornhub.
Ollie vB:
It’s not hookups asking for pictures. Just randos on the street.
Ollie vB:
And apparently, graciously obliging them is considered ‘indecent exposure.’
Zach Sun:
That explains it.
Ollie vB:
Explains what?
Zach Sun:
“No one gives a hummer like a gummer.”
Ollie vB:
Ah. Boomers. The last great generation. Horny, experienced, and incapable of working an iPhone camera.
Ollie vB:
Anyway, back to Zach’s misery.
Ollie vB:
Feel that fur-lined collar tightening around your neck, sonny boy?
Romeo Costa:
Marriage is not a punishment.
Ollie vB:
I’d literally pick the electric chair.
Romeo Costa:
[Eye roll Emoji]
Ollie vB:
Every. Single. Time.
