It was early afternoon when I took a huge breath, flipped open my phone, went to the contact list, scrolled down and hit go.
“Talk,” Hawk’s voice came at me and I started to talk and then I heard a beep and I realized that Hawk demanding the caller to talk was his voicemail message.
I’d been skating the edge of hysteria all day. Confronted with my selfish bitchiness in the face of who I wanted to be my man’s attempt at letting go of a tragic past and moving on with me, the only reason I didn’t make four batches of cookie dough and eat through them all was because I was out of butter.
And his voicemail greeting sent me over the edge.
It was inappropriate considering he walked out on me with a parting shot that pretty much equaled good-bye but I still started giggling.
And through my giggling, I forced out the words, “Baby. Your voicemail message is ‘talk’.” Suddenly my laughter died away and I whispered, “That is so you.” I closed my eyes tight because it was so him and I loved that about him and I finished, “Please call me so I can say I’m sorry.”
Then I flipped the phone shut, placed it on the kitchen countertop, lifted both hands and pressed my fingers in my cheeks. Then I closed my eyes again and sent a wish into the universe that Cabe Delgado would call me back.
Then I grabbed my phone, grabbed my purse, grabbed my net bags and headed out the front door to my car, which was still at the curb where I parked it prior to the drive-by. It hadn’t moved in over a week. I was halfway down my walk when Detective Mitch Lawson slid up and parked behind my Hyundai.
I stared at him in his car.
Why?
Why me?
His being there could only mean, firstly, something was wrong with Ginger and/or I was in some peril or secondly, he’d heard things were over with Hawk, I was down the mountain from Tack and he was moving in.
Why… me?
I buried this reaction and met him on the sidewalk, wishing he wasn’t so freaking hot.
“Hey Mitch,” I greeted.
“Gwendolyn,” he smiled.
I stared at his smile.
Why, I will repeat, me?
“I’ve managed not to get shot at or kidnapped for a whole week,” I bragged.
“Good for you.” He kept smiling.
“Please tell me you’re not here to inform me my winning streak is ending and another incident is imminent.”
He shook his head. “Not here for that, sweetheart.”
I tipped my head to the side. “Then why are you here?”
“’Cause Leo spoke to me this mornin’ and he gave me a surprise invitation to girls’ night in with cosmopolitans.”
I stared at him.
I was going to kill Cam.
“Mitch,” I whispered.
“Honey, I said no,” he replied gently.
I felt relief and loss, the first more than the last but I felt loss all the same mostly because he was hot, partly because he was gentle and also partly because I really liked his eyes.
He got closer and I held my ground as his soulful eyes I liked so much locked with mine.
Then he shared, “Every instinct I got is tellin’ me to move in and protect you not only from everything that’s happening with your sister but from two men I’m uncertain are good for you.”
I sucked in my lips and bit them.
“At the same time,” he went on,” I’m sensin’ that you need space to do whatever you’re gonna do.”
I let my lips go and nodded my head.
“That said, I’d be a fool not to tell you where I stand.”
Uh-oh.
“I was another type of man, the type they are, I wouldn’t hesitate gettin’ in there and muddling your head by making my play.”
At that point, I felt I should intervene.
“Hawk is… well, Hawk,” I lamely defended him. “And Tack is giving me space.”
“It isn’t space to install you in his house, sweetheart.”
Well, that was semi-true.
“But –”
“He’s makin’ his play,” Lawson said firmly.
“Uh… okay,” I agreed since he would know because he was a man and I, obviously, wasn’t. “But I’m home now.”
“Yeah,” Lawson agreed. “You’re in a home that every time you walk up your walk or into your livin’ room, you’ll be reminded of Tack’s play.”
Hmm. This was true. I hadn’t thought of that.
Still, what Tack did was nice.
“Mitch –”
He cut me off. “Remember what I said to you, Gwendolyn. Head up, eyes open and I’ll go on to say, be happy. And I’ll finish by tellin’ you, you’re willin’ to give me a shot at makin’ you happy, you call me because I’m willin’ to take that shot.”
Wow.
“Mitch,” I repeated and his hand came up to cup my jaw so I blurted, “Please don’t kiss me. I like kissing and if you’re a good kisser that’ll definitely muddle my head. No joke. And, honest to God, I don’t need that right now.”
His head dipped toward me, I braced but his face stopped an inch away.
“Okay, honey,” he whispered, “I won’t kiss you but just for your information, I’ve had no complaints.”
I bet he hadn’t.
“Great,” I muttered. “Now I’m curious.”
He grinned and his thumb moved over my cheek. “You ever wanna assuage that curiosity, find me. Yeah?”
“You’re muddling my head,” I warned.
His grin got bigger and I knew he knew he was and I also knew he intended to, so I knew that whole speech about not muddling my head was a big, old play.
“You’re eyes say you’re soulful but you’re actually dangerous,” I whispered.
“A man can be both,” he replied, his fingers slid back into my hair, he tipped my head down, kissed my hair at the top, let me go and, when I looked up at him, he winked at me and walked away.
I watched him drive away and then I wondered about the angles of Hawk’s cameras and then I worried that he’d seen that or it would be reported and then I got in my car and checked my phone.
Nothing.
Then I drove to the grocery store and, considering my recent past, I did this vigilant so it wasn’t lost on me that the minute I pulled my Hyundai away from the curb, a shiny, black SUV pulled out with me and followed me to the store and in the driver’s seat was Mo.
Shit. Even if the cameras hadn’t seen me, Mo had and Hawk would get a report.
Shit!
Well, the silver lining was, Hawk had sent Mo to have my back which didn’t exactly equal good-bye forever and ever you thoughtless, selfish cow.
But it didn’t say I forgive you either.
* * * * *
“I’m a thoughtless, selfish cow,” I announced to Cam, Tracy and, somebody kill me, Elvira.
Then I leaned forward and banged my head on Cam’s kitchen table.
“I think maybe this means cutoff time,” Elvira muttered.
I was on cosmo four and I was drinking fast, firstly because Hawk hadn’t called back, secondly because I spent the entire afternoon obsessing about the fact he hadn’t called and whether or not I should leave another message and thirdly because Elvira showed at girls’ night in.
Luckily after reading me the riot act for not returning her calls, Elvira was just Elvira. She didn’t get into Hawk, she didn’t press, she didn’t pry, she just dug into Cam’s famous, spicy red beans and rice (well, actually, it wasn’t Cam’s recipe, it was her great-grandmother’s and I tried to get her to give it to me but she said we had to exchange blood transfusions and go through adoption proceedings for her to do that without getting disowned so I just ate hers and considered myself lucky) and sucking back her cosmopolitan so I was free to continue obsessing because Hawk still hadn’t called me. Something I did, barely participating in girl talk until I made my insane announcement.
“I’m actually surprised the meltdown hasn’t occurred before now,” Cam remarked.
“Cam!” Tracy cried.
“Oh shit, woman down,” Leo muttered and I looked up to see he’d come into the room probably to get a beer.
Very bad timing.
“I slept with Hawk again last night,” I told Leo, avoiding directly telling Cam, Tracy or Elvira.
Leo’s eyes got big and he made a strangled noise.
“You what?” Cam screeched.
“Well, all right,” Elvira stated.
“Oh boy,” Tracy mumbled.
“I did,” I told Leo who still had his deer caught in headlights look going. “He came to my house in the middle of the night and –”
Leo’s hand shot up. “Stop right there, darlin’,” he interrupted me. “Last time I looked, I still had a dick.”
“Leo!” Cam snapped and Leo’s eyes went to her.
“And the last time you looked, I had a dick.”
“We all know you have a dick, Leo,” Cam flashed back.
“All I’m sayin’ is, I got a dick and I’m in here for a beer and that means I’m invisible during this discussion. Yeah?” And with that, he got his beer and walked right out.
“I’m sorry about my man,” Cam said irately to Elvira.
“I’m not, girl. A, he’s hot and B, he’s got a dick and C, his not wantin’ any part in girl talk states he knows how to use it. Now,” her eyes swung to me, “movin’ on to the good shit. You slept with Hawk? Word was it was over.”
“Well, it was, then it wasn’t and now I think it is again.”
“Uh… what?” Elvira asked, her brows drawing together.
I sucked back cosmo then I told them everything. Cam and Tracy knew the first part, so I didn’t get into that, I just got into last night and this morning finishing with, “And now I think he thinks I’m a thoughtless, selfish cow.”
I got silence as they all stared then, as usual, Cam spoke first.
“Hate to say this to you,” she straight-talked me albeit gently, “but, babe, sounds like it to me too.”
Great. Just freaking great.
“My God, I had no idea,” Elvira stated, sounding stunned and Tracy nodded.
“Actually this whole week I was thinking it sucked that it didn’t work out but I got why it didn’t, his tragic past and all,” Trace added.
“You did?” I asked her.
“Yeah, Gwennie, but you wanted space so I gave it to you and couldn’t tell you that.”
I stared at her. Then I dropped forward and banged my head against the table again.
“Gwen, calm down, if he’s into you, which he obviously is, he’ll get over this,” Camille pointed out.
I lifted my head. “I called him at one-thirty.”
“Maybe he’s busy,” Tracy suggested.
“He’s busy,” Elvira confirmed. “I wasn’t let in on what he’s workin’, top secret and he selected his top boys to work with him but he’s been incommunicado all day.”
A ray of hope.
“I thought he forwarded his phone to you,” I said.
“He didn’t today, he went off-line,” Elvira told me.
“Why didn’t he forward his phone to you?” I asked.
“Why does the earth go ‘round the sun? Because he’s Hawk. You don’t question Hawk. He just does what he does when he does it and you go with the flow,” Elvira answered.
“Is this operation so intense he can’t call back?” I pressed.
“Don’t know, hon, sorry to say,” Elvira replied and sounded like she was.
“Should I call him again?” I asked. “Does he check his voicemail?”
“Sure, if I’m not takin’ messages for him,” Elvira responded.
That ray of hope died.
I’d said I was sorry. I didn’t know much about his operations but anyone had a moment in their day to check their voicemail and mine said I was sorry. If I cared about someone and they told me they were sorry in a voicemail, I would call them and put them out of their misery. It had been seven hours and he hadn’t put me out of my misery.
Maybe the giggling pissed him off.
I dropped my head to the table again.
“Gwen,” Cam said softly.
“I was falling in love with him,” I told my lap and I heard three, quick, feminine intakes of breath. “Deep,” I finished on a whisper then lifted my head, “and I fucked it up.”
“He’s busy, babe, don’t jump to conclusions,” Cam stated.
“Every time I see him, every time he touches me, I get butterflies,” I whispered.
“Oh boy,” Elvira murmured.
“Scott didn’t even do that to me,” I shared.
“Who’s Scott?” Elvira enquired.
“Her ex-husband and Denver’s Patron of Dickheadedness,” Tracy answered.
“Ah,” Elvira replied, that one syllable full of understanding.
“You didn’t tell me about the butterflies,” Cam whispered.
“I denied them,” I whispered back. “They scared me.”
Cam’s face gentled. “Oh babe.”
“He’s bossy and annoying and intrusive and lives a narrow life and demands emotional closeness but keeps distant but that last part is because he lost his wife and his little daughter,” I went on. “And she was cute. He showed me a picture. She was wearing pink. She looked like him. She had the best of both of them in her.” Cam, Elvira and Tracy kept gentle eyes on me and I kept on. “But he thinks I’m funny and Dad and Meredith adore him and we banter and I like it. It’s fun and it’s safe, though I didn’t know it at the time, and he holds me while we sleep and he’s an unbelievably good kisser and even better in bed. He gave me four orgasms in thirty minutes and I didn’t even know that was physically possible.”
“Four orgasms in thirty minutes?” Elvira breathed.
“Four orgasms in thirty minutes,” I confirmed
Elvira put her hand flat on the table and her upper body started teetering as she mumbled, “Lordy.”
“Maybe we should get the smelling salts,” Tracy noted, her eyes on Elvira.
“Babe, I don’t have smelling salts,” Cam returned.
“I need to quit,” Elvira announced. “I gotta turn in my resignation. I can’t work with a man knowin’ his capacity to give pleasure. I mean, I can work with a man guessin’ his capacity to give pleasure but not knowin’ it. This is it. I hit the threshold. I never understood TMI. In my opinion, no amount of information is too much information but I’ve found it. I’m here.”
“You can’t quit because of me!” I hissed. “I get the sense that Hawk likes you and depends on you. If you have someone like that, you don’t want to lose them. He can’t lose you because I told you he can give multiple orgasms!”
“Those four orgasms were a multiple?” Elvira asked.
“No, those were mostly separate. He can only pull off three in a one-go multiple,” I answered.
“Holy crap,” Tracy breathed.
“No joke?” Cam asked.
Elvira teetered so I put my hand on her so she wouldn’t go down and looked at Cam. “Why do you think I let him keep coming at night? I told you he was good but he’s not good, he’s good.”
“Stop talkin’,” Elvira whispered. “Where’s the martini shaker? I need a reload.”
Cam got up and sauntered to the counter.
Then it hit me. “My God, if he doesn’t forgive me, I’m ruined for all other men.”
“Gwennie, honey, really, don’t stress. It hasn’t even been a day,” Tracy soothed.
Cam started pouring vodka into the shaker and decreed, “All right, this is serious for you and obviously he had reasons to be a motherfucking asshole meaning he actually never was one. So, you called, left a voicemail, said you were sorry. You wait. He doesn’t call you back by one-thirty tomorrow, you call again. Voicemails can get missed. He’s there, you explain and apologize again. He’s not there, you leave another voicemail. He doesn’t call back, say, for two days, you know where he’s at, you make a batch of cookie dough, you call us and we’ll all come over and eat it.”
Thank God. A plan.
That was all I needed.
I took in a breath, checked Elvira to make sure she was steady, let her go and looked at Cam.
“Thanks, babe.”
Camille nodded her head and poured in cranberry juice.
“He’ll call,” Tracy whispered and my eyes moved to her. She smiled her hopeful smile.
I smiled back but mine felt shaky.
