Everything changed.
It’s all messed up, and it’s all Levi’s fault. Running into my ex-best friend, the one I was once in love with, has me completely topsy-turvy. Nothing feels right, not the clothes I’m wearing or the food I’m eating or even sitting next to Fitz. Something is broken…and I think it might be me.
“Holy crap, Rosie. This pie is incredible.” Scout moans as she stuffs another bite into her mouth. “Like, I could kiss you this is so good.”
I force a smile her way, then say, “I’d let you,” because that’s what the Rosie they know would say.
The problem is, right now, I don’t feel like that Rosie. I feel like the me of two years ago all over again, and I hate it.
Scout giggles, then digs into the slice of pie once more.
There are about twenty-five people crowded around three long tables that have been shoved together. It’s easily the biggest Thanksgiving I’ve been part of. With just me and my parents, who were both only children too, we didn’t have big holiday gatherings.
It’s been chaotic between all the couples and kids running around. Macie is having a blast being spoiled by everyone, Freddie is basically being passed around the entire table, and Miller is setting up his karaoke machine.
Well, he’s attempting to. He and Rhodes are currently fighting over it.
“No. Absolutely not. I didn’t want you people here anyway. I have to draw the line somewhere,” the grumpy defenseman says, his brows drawn tightly together, his hands slashing through the air with every word.
“Aw, come on. You don’t mean that. You looooove us, especially me.”
“I don’t love anyone, especially not you.”
“Hey!” Ryan yells at her husband, whose cheeks flame instantly.
“Except you. I love you. So fucking much.” He glares over at Miller. “Maybe a little less right now, but still, so much.”
Ryan grins, satisfied with his answer.
“Miller, do you have ‘Monster Mash’? I’ll totally sing that,” Harper volunteers, rising from the table.
“Jesus.” Collin shakes his head but stares after his wife with a dopey grin on his face.
“Or Queen! I’ll do some Queen!” Hollis says, joining her sister.
“Please don’t let her sing.” Lowell covers baby Freddie’s ears. “She’s a horrible singer and I don’t want to subject our daughter to this.”
“I heard that!”
“Shit,” Lowell mutters. “I forgot about the new-mom super-hearing.”
I tuck my lips together, trying not to laugh. It all feels so…normal, and I love every second of it.
Well, I would love every second of it if I wasn’t so damn scared to look over at Fitz. We didn’t speak the entire way here, and I hated every minute sitting in that old truck. It wasn’t his fault it was awkward with us. It was all me. I didn’t want to face him after what happened with Levi. I was embarrassed about the way I let him talk to me, especially in front of Fitz.
I swore—swore—I would never be that person again, but the second I saw my ex-best friend, I slipped right back into the old Rosie, the one with no spine, the one who let everyone walk all over her and never stood up for herself. I hated it in that moment, and I hate it now because I still feel like that old version of myself, and I don’t know how to shake it.
“Are you finished?” Emilia asks, pointing to my still full plate. I’ve picked at a few things, but my appetite was completely gone after the grocery store.
“Yes, but I got this,” I tell her, grabbing my plate and rising from the table. “In fact, hand me those plates too.”
She tips her head. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. I could use a little break.” I gesture toward the room where Harper and Hollis are currently sharing a microphone and belting out Shania Twain’s “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” at full volume while Miller has his own and is singing every word right along with them. It’s easily the most obnoxious and endearing thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Emilia laughs. “This group is so exhausting sometimes.”
“You’re telling me.” I roll my eyes playfully.
I grab the plate from her hands, then retrieve a few more as I make my way to the kitchen. I set them on the counter next to the others, then get to work on filling the sink with water and soap. I know they have a dishwasher, but I welcome the distraction.
I feel terrible because this is my first time being invited to something like this with all these incredible people, and I’m in a terrible mood. And to think I woke up this morning to Fitz’s head between my legs, feeling like I was walking on air. Then it all came crashing down around me thanks to one little trip to the grocery store.
Maybe Fitz was right. Maybe we should have skipped the flowers.
I have no clue how long I stand at the sink scrubbing dishes before I realize I’m not alone. I feel the moment he walks into the room. There’s a charge in the air and goose bumps pop up on my arms.
“I’ll dry,” he says, stepping up next to me.
We work in silence for several seconds, and each one that passes grows heavier and heavier. It’s unbearable and I hate it. It’s never been like this with us before, and I don’t want it to be like this now.
I’m just about to say something when Fitz breaks the silence.
“So, that guy…”
“Levi,” I provide.
“Yeah, that’s one name for him,” he mutters. “He was your best friend, wasn’t he?”
I can hear the contempt in his voice. He doesn’t like Levi, and I can understand why, but he doesn’t know Levi like I do. He wasn’t always awful. A lot of times, he was nice. He was always there when I needed him most, and he had my back when I moved out of my parents’ place. He was mine.
“Yes, that was him.”
“The same one who made you feel like shit about your body?”
I can’t confirm that one out loud. It sounds so bad when he says it like that.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate the way Levi makes me feel about myself, but what I hate even more is the judgmental tone in Fitz’s voice, because it’s not directed toward Levi.
It’s directed toward me.
“He’s a prick, Ro. You know that, right?”
My hands close tightly around the plate I’m holding, and I grind my teeth together. “Yeah, I’m aware.”
“Are you? Because you just stood there and let him treat you like shit in front of everyone.”
I drop the plate, not caring about the water that sloshes everywhere. I turn to him, crossing my arms over my chest. “You don’t think I know he’s awful, Fitz? I’m not stupid. I’m more than aware of the jabs he took at me. If you really think it would have helped anything or anyone for me to say something, you’re wrong. It would have done nothing but make the situation worse and more awkward than it already was.”
“Then you should have let me say something.” He lets the towel he’s holding drop to the counter. “Do you have any idea what that was like for me? Just standing there and letting some asswipe say those things about you?”
“Really?” I scoff, shaking my head. “You’re worried about how you felt? Did you ever stop to think I was humiliated to hear him say those things in front of you? In front of the man I’m…I’m sleeping with.”
Both of his brows shoot up. “The man you’re sleeping with?” Now it’s him who’s shaking his head. “Is that what this is? Just sex?”
“What? No! Of course not.”
“Then why didn’t you let me say something to him? I wanted to punch that fucker. Hell, I still want to punch him. Why didn’t you—”
“Because it’s not your business!” I shout over him, well aware that we’re not the only people in the house and there’s no way we’re not drawing everyone’s attention.
Right now, I don’t care.
“It’s not your business, Fitz. It’s mine.”
“You’re my business, Rosie. Don’t you get that? I’m all in over here. Completely.”
“Yes, you’re so in that you lied to me for weeks and pretended to be someone else—that’s how all in you are?”
He looks like I’ve punched him in the gut.
It’s unfair. I know it’s unfair.
I forgave him for that and we’re beyond it, but right now, it’s the only ammo I have. I don’t want to have this conversation about Levi, but he’s insisting on it, so I’m using everything I have in my arsenal.
“You’re right,” he says quietly. “I did that. I did that, and I fucking regret it. I wish I’d had the balls to approach you as me, but I didn’t because I’m not brave like you. I’m not strong like you are. I’m not—”
“Did you ever stop to think I’m not brave? Did you ever stop to think maybe this is all a front and I’m just a shy, sheltered girl who doesn’t know who she is? Did that ever occur to you?”
“No,” he says matter-of-factly. “It didn’t because I know you. That’s not you.”
“No, you know the me I want you to know. You don’t know me like he does.”
“So, what, then? All this”—he waves his hand over me—“it’s all just a big façade? You’re a fake?”
I shrug. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“No.” He shakes his head, then takes a step toward me. “No. I refuse to believe that. That’s not you. That’s not—”
“Stop telling me who I am!”
He pauses, both his face and his shoulders falling.
I hate it. I hate it so much that I want to just run. I want to put as much distance between us as possible because I cannot stand to look at him like this.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t mean to—”
“That’s the thing, Fitz. You never mean to. You didn’t mean to lie to me and lead me on. You didn’t mean to watch my streams. You didn’t mean to ditch me at Slapshots, but you did. You did all those things and they sucked.”
He reaches for me, and I back up.
“Stop. Please.”
“Okay.” He holds his hands up and takes a few steps away. “Okay. I… Fuck.” He pinches the bridge of his nose, then looks up at me. “Are you still in love with him?”
“Are you serious?” I counter, completely taken aback by his question. The fact that he even has to ask me that…it sucks.
“Yes, I’m serious.”
I narrow my eyes. “I think you should go.”
He opens his mouth like he’s going to argue, but then he thinks better of it. “Okay.”
We stand there in silence for I don’t even know how long. I stare at the floor, and he stares at me. I know because I can feel it. I know what his eyes feel like on me. I’ve had them there plenty. Hell, I’ve craved them before.
But right now…right now, I want anything other than this. I don’t want us when I feel like I don’t know who I am.
“We…” He clears his throat. “We rode together. Do you want a ride?”
I shake my head, still not looking at him. “I’ll get one from someone else.”
“Fine.” It’s all he says before he walks past me.
I burn to reach out to him. To touch him. To tell him to ignore me and I’m just in a weird headspace. To beg him to stay.
But I don’t do any of that. Instead, I just let him walk by. He reaches for the door that leads out the back of the house and pauses with his hand on the knob.
“You know,” he says in a low voice, “I think you might be right.”
I lift my head, meeting his gaze. I swallow when I see the pain swirl in his hazel eyes because I know I’m the one causing all that hurt.
But can’t he see that I’m in pain too? Reeling in a way I never thought I would?
I want him to comfort me, not accuse me of still being in love with Levi.
“I don’t think I know you. Not right now. Because right now, this isn’t the Rosie I know, and it’s not the Rosie I want to know either. If you find her…if you find the woman I fell in love with, let me know.”
He walks out the door, taking my heart right along with him.
