I pulled into a parking spot outside the Lambda Chi house and turned off my car.
The last twenty minutes, I’d driven around aimlessly, dreading the chapter meeting scheduled for later that evening. The text had come in while I’d been changing, and now that we had a break from practice, I didn’t have a valid reason not to go.
An idea had popped into my head, but I hadn’t given it much thought until I’d dropped Jax off at his dorm.
It shouldn’t bother me. We’d spent plenty of nights apart. In fact, it was probably good we put some distance between us. It was getting harder and harder to pretend we were just friends, and the last thing I wanted to do was mess up and out us.
I’d promised him that us messing around wouldn’t fuck up our friendship or baseball. People finding out about us would do both.
That part of my life was out of my control. I couldn’t change the fact that we were teammates or that we needed to keep things quiet.
Baseball was another thing I couldn’t control. I could put my all into every game, but I wasn’t the only guy out there.
Two of the biggest stressors in my life were things I couldn’t change.
The third was something I could.
“Yo.” Owen upnodded me as I came into the main foyer of the house. “You’re early.”
“Have you seen Austin?”
“I think he’s in his room.”
“Thanks.”
Owen waved and walked into the living room, where it sounded like a bunch of the guys were playing some sort of shooter game.
I made my way through the house, waving to people as I passed them. When I was in front of Austin’s door, I drew in a deep breath and knocked.
“It’s open!”
With a shaking hand, I pushed it open and peeked inside.
“Matt.” Austin grinned from where he was sprawled out on his couch. “Been a while since I’ve seen your ugly mug.”
I chuckled, but it was strained. “Been busy.”
“What’s going on?” He put his tablet aside and sat up.
“Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Of course.” He waved around his room. “Pick a place to park it.”
I sat on the edge of his desk chair and rubbed my hands on my thighs. “I think I want to quit the frat.”
“You think? Like this is all hypothetical? Or you think like you’re wondering if it can be done?”
“Wondering if it can be done,” I mumbled.
He tilted his head. “Anyone can quit whenever they want. Being a member is a choice.”
“So, how would one do that?”
“First you tell the frat president that you want out.” He grinned. “Step one down. Then I make it happen if that’s what you really want.”
“It’s not that I don’t like being a brother,” I said quickly.
Austin and I had pledged together, and he was a good guy. He’d been a great president this year, and I didn’t want him to think me quitting had anything to do with him.
“But joining was never your choice,” he said knowingly.
“No. And with our season starting, I just don’t have time.”
“And you’re not happy. You don’t like frat life.”
I dropped my gaze.
“I’ve known you for almost four years. You’re good at pretending, but you’ve never been happy here.”
“No. I haven’t.”
“Put your request in writing, and I’ll do my part. We can handle this as quietly as you want. I can tell the guys when it’s done, or you can.”
“Maybe you could tell them.”
I didn’t have any close friends who would be sad to see me go. And none of the other brothers would care if they heard it from Austin and not me.
“I can do that.” He gave me a serious look. “I’m going to miss seeing you around, but I’m glad you’re doing this. Life’s too short to suffer through shit we don’t enjoy, especially when it’s for someone else.”
“You haven’t met my dad.”
“Not in person, but he’s… active within the alum community.”
I laughed. “That’s a polite way of saying he’s a nosy asshole who bugs you for updates so he can feel like he’s still living his glory days.”
Austin grinned. “I mean, I didn’t want to say it, but…”
“I apologize in advance if he’s an asshole once he finds out I quit.”
“Wouldn’t be the first disgruntled alum I’ve dealt with. Won’t be the last. Take care of yourself. And good luck with the season.”
“Thanks.” I stood, then paused. “For the writing thing. Is an email or text better?”
“Email. Use my official one so we have a paper trail. Always a good idea to CYA.”
“C.Y.A?”
“Cover your ass.” He grinned.
“Smart man.”
“Later, Matt.”
“Later.”
I left his room, feeling lighter than I had in months. Years, if I were being honest.
Quitting the frat wouldn’t magically solve all my issues, but the relief that washed over me at the knowledge that I’d never have to go to another meeting or party was so strong it was euphoric.
I might not know who I was, but I knew who I wasn’t. And I was done pretending. It was time to reclaim my life and figure out who I would have become if my future hadn’t been decided for me when I was five years old.
I flopped down onto the couch next to Eli. “Why do penguins waddle?”
He looked up from the book in his lap and shot me a confused look.
“Penguins have knees, but they waddle. Why?”
“He’s not Google,” Beck said as he and Finn came down the stairs. “No one would know that off the top of their head.”
“Never say never.” Alex looked up from his phone. “Did you bring them down?”
“I’m confused.” I looked between Alex and Beck.
“You know it.” Beck held up a package.
“Cookies?” I asked excitedly.
Beck’s mom made the best cookies. It was such a foreign concept to me, a mom taking the time to not only bake for her adult son but to package them up and make enough for a whole house of guys to gorge on.
Guess that was what good moms did. Or at least ones who weren’t so busy with their own lives that they forgot they had a kid.
“I made the mistake of telling her you liked the cinnamon swirl ones.” He reached into the box and pulled out a container. “Looks like these are for you.”
I took the container, which had a sticky note with “For Matt” in her flowy script and a big heart taped to the lid. A happy flush moved through me.
“And she sent these for you to try.” Beck put the box on the coffee table and pulled two smaller containers out.
“For me?” Eli took them, his eyes wide and his face a bit slack from shock.
“Yup.” He grinned.
She’d written “For Eli” with more hearts on his sticky notes. One was labeled “Sugar-free, gluten-free chocolate chip,” and the other said “Gluten-free, sugar-free oatmeal.”
“She sent these too.” He dug a few sheets of folded paper out of the box. “The recipes, so you can check them out and make sure they’re safe.”
“That… that was really nice of her.” His voice cracked as he stared down at the containers.
“No special ones for me?” Alex teased, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.
Beck tossed a container at Alex, who bobbled it before managing to catch it and keep hold of his phone.
“Sweet.” He tossed his phone aside and yanked off the top of his container. “I love these.” He shoved a cookie into his mouth and chewed, a blissed-out look on his face.
Beck snickered and tugged Finn down so they were sitting on the couch next to Alex. “And she sent Finn some too.”
“I already ate, like, half of them.” He patted his stomach and leaned his head against Beck’s shoulder. “Had him hide the rest so I didn’t make myself sick.”
“All you assholes, and you, babe.” He kissed Finn’s temple. “Get your own cookies, and I got a container with all the broken and burned ones from your batches.”
“Seriously?” Alex laughed.
Beck kicked the box closer to Alex, who pulled out a container. “Oh my god, she did.” He flipped the container around so we could see the mess of busted and different colored cookies in it.
“Not our fault she likes us more.” I shoved a cookie into my mouth. “Jesus, these are good.”
“Do you have your phone? We should take a few pics of us and send them to your mom as a thank-you.”
Beck perked up at Alex’s suggestion. “She’ll love that.”
“I can take it if you want to go over there,” Eli poked me in the thigh.
“You need to be in the picture too.” Beck pulled out his phone and unlocked it. “We’ll do a couple of selfies.”
He held the phone up, and Alex and Finn leaned in, holding up their containers and grinning wide while Beck shot the camera an unimpressed look.
“Here.” He tossed his phone over the table to me.
“Brave man, throwing your phone like that,” Alex said.
“Figured it was safe, since he’s a star baseball player.”
“But he’s a pitcher,” Finn said. “So wouldn’t his talent be throwing and not catching?”
“I’m awesome at both.” I held the phone up. “Get closer and pretend you like me.”
Eli slid over so he was right next to me, and I framed us in the shot. We held up our containers and grinned. I took a few pics, then tossed the phone back to Beck.
“Did we ever find out why penguins waddle when they have knees?” Alex winked at Eli and took a bite of a cookie.
“No, we didn’t.” I turned to him. “Why do penguins waddle?”
Eli smiled shyly. “Penguins expend more energy than any other animal their size when they walk. Their bodies are streamlined for swimming but not efficient for traveling over land. Waddling cuts down the amount of energy they need for each step. The side-to-side motion raises their center of mass and creates a pendulum effect so they can use their momentum to help fuel each step and not have to rely on their muscles to do extra work.”
“So it has nothing to do with their knees and everything to do with how fat they are?” I asked.
Eli snickered. “That’s part of it. But they also have short legs and giant feet that make walking difficult.”
“It’s amazing the stuff you know off the top of your head like that.” Beck dug around in his cookie container. “I can barely remember what I had for dinner three days ago.”
Eli flushed. “I have good recall.”
“Says the guy who remembers the most obscure hockey stats.” Finn elbowed his boyfriend in the side. “Who was the first goaltender to score a goal on an opposing team?”
“Ron Hextall,” Beck said without hesitating. “He was the first goalie to score a goal by shooting the puck into the opposing team’s net.”
“When?” Finn grinned at us.
“December 8, 1987.”
“Is that true?” Alex asked Finn, who shrugged.
“No clue. But considering the source, I’d say it is.”
“That name… why is it so familiar?” Something niggled at the back of my mind.
Beck grinned. “Because he’s one of only two goalies who’ve managed to score twice, and the second time was during a playoff game.”
“That’s where I heard it before.” I shoved another cookie into my mouth.
“Is Kai coming over?” Beck asked Alex.
He shook his head and swallowed a bite of cookie. “He has a huge test he needs to study for.”
“What about your other half?” Beck turned to me.
“Not today. Same, big test in the a.m.”
“Want to do a movie night? Just us roomies?” Beck asked.
“Yeah?” I perked up.
“Or a gaming night, whatever. I just thought it would be fun to all hang out together.”
“I’m in.” I put the top on my cookie container so I didn’t finish them all in one sitting.
“Sounds fun.” Alex stretched his arms over his head.
“Yeah. Okay.” Eli smiled shyly when Beck gave him a questioning look.
“Awesome. Want to do dinner too?”
“Sure, if you’re paying.” Alex shot Beck an innocent smile.
“I’ve got it.” I pulled my phone out of my pocket. “What do you guys want? You can just put in your orders, and we’ll get it delivered.”
“I was just kidding. I’ve got my share.”
“It’s fine.” I waved the phone at them. “We can work out details later.”
Beck and Alex started discussing what they wanted to eat. Eli flipped open one of the recipes and closed it about five seconds later.
“Chinese?” Alex asked. “That place down near the public library is pretty good.”
Eli opened one of the containers, the chocolate chip one, and pulled out a cookie.
“Fine with me.” I unlocked my phone and opened my delivery app. “Here. Order whatever you want.”
“Are you sure?” Finn asked as Beck took the phone. “These guys eat as much as you do.”
“Athletes need fuel.” Beck scrolled through the menu.
“Especially with the gymnastics you two get up to.” Alex waggled his eyebrows at Finn, who blushed bright pink.
“No gymnastics here.” Beck didn’t even look up. “Just enthusiasm and skill.”
Alex snorted.
“And you’re one to talk. You and Kai are like gladiators sometimes. I swear you almost came through the wall the other day.”
“Jealous?” Alex grinned.
“More like worried about my security deposit.”
Alex snorted. “Worry about those two.” He waved his hand at me. “You made the ceiling shake down here last time you and Jax went at it. I legit thought the dining room light was going to shatter and come crashing down.”
“We’re big guys.” I shrugged. “Ask Eli.”
“What?” Eli squeaked.
“Wait, what?” Alex leaned forward, his hands on his knees. “You saw them going at it?”
“I saw them after they went at it.”
“We forgot to put pants on, and Eli got a front-row seat to the gun show when we ran into him in the hallway.” I flexed dramatically.
“More like the bum show.” Beck looked around like he was waiting for accolades for his pun.
“Not your best one, babe.” Finn patted his knee. “But B plus for effort.”
“Pick your dinner.” He shoved the phone at Finn playfully. “B plus, my ass.”
“That would be an A plus.” Finn focused on the phone’s screen.
Eli nibbled on one of the cookies, a small smile on his full lips. Had he managed to read the recipe in less than five seconds? Or was he just trusting that they were safe?
“Damn straight my ass is an A plus,” Beck said. “Do you know how many squats I do?”
“Static or jumping?” I asked.
“Both. Depends on the day. What’s your ass routine?”
I let out a bark of laughter. “My ass routine?”
“Every bi boy who goes to the gym has an ass routine,” Alex said. “Don’t deny it.”
“Not denying it.” I held up my hands in mock submission. “I just never called it my ass routine. It’s my booty builder.”
Eli snickered, and Alex threw his head back and laughed. “Oh my god,” he choked out. “I’m so stealing that.”
“Please do.”
“Yeah, totally stealing it too.” Beck grinned.
“You want in on my brilliance?” I poked Eli in the thigh. “Join in on the newest and coolest workout catchphrase.”
“You go to the gym?” Beck perked up.
“Not exactly.” Eli glanced around. “I do a lot of my working out at home. Calisthenics, floor work, that sort of thing. And I run. I don’t really like the gym. Too crowded.”
“Here.” Finn handed Alex my phone. “Your turn.”
“I wish I had the discipline to work out at home,” I said. “But if I have the choice to sit on my butt and eat snacks and not work out, then I’m doing that.”
“Hard same.” Beck chuckled.
“Done.” Alex stood and extended the phone to Eli over the table.
“That was fast,” Beck commented.
“You know me. I always order the same thing.” He flopped back down onto the couch.
“Is there stuff on the menu you can eat?” I leaned closer and dropped my voice.
“This place is pretty good. They allow modifications so it makes it easier.” He smiled shyly.
Jesus, he looked young. He might be twenty, but something about him triggered my protective instincts, and I wanted to wrap him in a blanket burrito.
“You know you’re my unofficial little brother, right?”
He looked up from my phone, his eyes wide. “I am?”
“Yup. I know you have an actual brother. But I’m appointing myself as your other big bro.”
“Step in line. Kai and I are ahead of you,” Alex said loudly. “Especially Kai.”
“I only have sisters.” Beck winked. “Looks like you have four big brothers now.”
“Five. Jax,” I said by way of explanation.
“I don’t get to be one?” Finn asked, a huge grin on his face. “I may not be a giant like these guys, but I think I’d make a good big brother.”
“Guess that makes six.” I bit back a chuckle at Eli’s stunned expression.
“Isn’t it fun being the youngest in the house?” Alex teased.
“Loads.” Eli’s voice cracked. “Um, thanks. I know that was just joking around, but it means a lot that you guys have accepted me.”
“We weren’t joking,” Beck said before I could.
“Nope.” I ruffled his hair. “You’re the little bro. Deal.”
He ducked his head and focused on my phone again, which had gone dark, a grin stretched over his lips and rounding out his cheeks.
“Here.” I leaned over him and pressed the home button, then used my fingerprint to unlock the phone for him.
Alex and Beck launched into an animated discussion about their booty-building routines, and I leaned back against the couch, feeling happier than I had in months.
This was the kind of night I liked. Just chilling with friends, eating takeout, and watching movies. No drinking, no crowds, and no bullshit.
The only thing that would have made the night perfect was if Jax were here.
A flash of sadness penetrated my happy haze. I might as well get used to nights like this. My time of having Jax all to myself was over, and there was nothing I could do to get it back.
