“Matt?” Jax’s voice boomed through the first floor. He came into the living room.
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Is he fine?” Jax asked Beck, who was sitting next to me.
“Doc gave him the all clear, and he’s been good since he got here.” Beck patted my arm. “I think he’s fine.”
I rolled my eyes as Jax nodded, some of the tension bleeding out of his shoulders. Of course he’d listen to Beck and not me, the guy they were talking about.
“I’ve seen head injuries.” Beck stood. “I’m no doctor or expert, but I really do think he’s fine. Just a bump.”
Beck had played elite-level hockey in high school, so if anyone understood sports injuries, it was him.
Beck headed toward the stairs, and Jax took his vacated spot.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” His green eyes searched mine.
“I’m sure.”
“You fucking scared me.” He wrapped his big arms around me and yanked me toward him.
I sank into the hug and pressed my face against his warm neck. “I scared myself,” I whispered. “But I’m okay. I promise.”
“Don’t ever get hit with a line drive again.”
“I’ll try not to.” I chuckled against his skin. “Did we win?”
“Yeah.” He hugged me tighter. “Fuck, babe.”
He trembled against me, shaking in my arms as he clung to me.
“It’s okay.” I leaned into him, making sure as much of our bodies were touching as possible. “I’m okay.”
He made a choked sound and breathed in deep, his nose in my hair.
Was this leftover adrenaline from my accident? Or was something else causing this?
“Jax?”
“It’s just all hitting me. The game. The fact that Cooper and Coach know about us.”
I winced, remembering my conversation with Coach after talking with the doctor. That had been an uncomfortable few minutes. He’d been supportive and said all the right things in his gruff, Coach way. But our secret was out.
The last hour, I’d talked with Beck about everything, and not just our relationship. I’d spilled about how I felt lost and like I didn’t know who I was. I’d told him about my father and the pressure he put on me, how much it hurt that my mother didn’t give a shit about me. I’d been so frazzled from the hit and learning that our secret was out that the words had poured out of me, including a detailed accounting of how this whole thing between us started. He’d listened to everything in his calm, judgment-free way, and when I was finally done with my info and trauma dumping, he’d asked pointed questions that had served to not only help me talk out the messy jumble of thoughts in my head but also gave him enough info to offer some advice.
Beck had given up hockey because he didn’t have the talent to play at college level, and he was toying with the idea of becoming a coach.
He’d said that just because he didn’t play competitively anymore didn’t mean he was ready to give it up. He loved hockey, and now that he wasn’t playing, he was able to focus on the parts of the game he’d fallen in love with. He wanted to be the coach he’d had when he was first learning the game and hopefully inspire another kid like his coach had inspired him.
“I’m not going pro.”
Jax stopped breathing, his body going tense.
Probably could have found a better segue for that. Oops.
“Don’t freak out.” I slowly let go of him and dropped my arms. As much as I wanted hugs, we needed to have this conversation while we weren’t touching.
“I’m not freaking out.” Jax’s face was eerily blank. “But I don’t understand where this is coming from.”
“I don’t want to play pro ball.”
He gaped at me. “But it’s your dream.”
“No, it’s not.”
“It—”
“Let me finish.”
He closed his mouth, his eyes wide and his cheeks flushed.
“It’s never been my dream. Baseball was never my choice. I love the game, and I like playing, but the game stopped being fun for me a long time ago.”
“That’s because you put too much pressure on yourself—”
“It has nothing to do with that. You’re right. I do. But that’s only because I don’t like disappointing people. Because it’s been drilled into my head that winning is the only option. That being the best is the only way anyone could ever love me.”
“Matt…” His eyes softened.
“My family is fucked up. You know this. We don’t need to go over all the reasons why.” Mostly because I’d already done that with Beck and didn’t have it in me to do it again, but also because we’d had this conversation hundreds of times. “But did you know that most of my panic attacks this year happened while I was thinking about ball? Either about the season or what life would be like if I did get scouted. It fucking terrifies me to think that this could be my entire life for years.”
“I… I had no idea.”
“Because I didn’t tell you.”
“Why didn’t you?” Hurt crept into his voice.
“Because baseball is your dream. Because you love everything about the game. Because all the shit that scares the piss out of me is stuff you’re looking forward to.”
“I just… I can’t believe I didn’t see it. All this time I thought it was your dream too. That you wanted this as much as I did.”
“I’ve never wanted it.” I sighed and leaned back against the couch. “The game stopped being fun for me a long time ago. If this is going to be my last season, then I want to enjoy it again. Play without the pressure of who might be watching or what my stats are.”
“What happens if you do get scouted?”
“I’ll politely decline.” He shrugged. “I have a whole season to come up with excuses.”
“You really mean it, don’t you?”
I nodded. “I thought about sitting out this year—”
“You can’t!”
“But I’m not going to.” I grinned. “Logan is a sophomore, so he’s got lots of time to shine. And I hate to be a dick, but we both know Benson doesn’t have a chance in hell of being picked up. Me playing won’t hurt anyone.”
“You not playing will hurt me.”
My gut twisted. “I’m sorry,” I said softly.
“Not like that. I don’t mean you not playing in the pros is going to hurt me. I mean not getting one last season together would destroy me. We’re the dream team.”
I laughed, the sound loud and nearly hysterical as the last of my fear melted away.
“Get over here.” He slung his arm over my shoulder and tugged me against him. “I’m sorry that I ever made it seem like you couldn’t talk to me about this.”
“It took me a long time to get to the point where I could talk about it.”
He kissed my temple. “Still. I should have seen the signs. What are you thinking about doing instead?”
“Coaching.”
His chest rumbled with a low chuckle. “I’m glad you said that because you’d make an awesome coach.”
“You think?”
“Fuck, yeah. You’d be a natural. Pitching coach, or do you want to branch out?”
I snuggled closer to him. “Pitching. I have a lot of expensive knowledge to share. And it’ll piss my dad off to no end that I went the coaching route.”
He rubbed my arm. “Do you want to keep this quiet? About this being your final season?”
“I’m going to tell Coach, just to be transparent. But the other guys don’t need to know.” A wave of cold washed over me. “What about us?” I asked.
He blew out a breath and slowly slid his arm from around my shoulder.
“I’m not ready for this to be over,” I blurted out.
He blinked, but I rushed on. I needed to say this now.
“I’m never going to be ready for it to be over. I love you.”
His eyes bugged out in a way that would have been comical if my heart rate wasn’t impersonating a galloping horse.
“I love you, and I’ll do anything to be with you. We can keep things secret for as long as we need to.”
“But it’s not a secret. Not with Cooper and Coach in the know.”
“So what? They’re just two guys. And they told me that they’d keep it between the four of us if that’s what we wanted.”
“Matt—”
“You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this kind of connection with. You’re my best friend, but you’re so much more than that.” My voice cracked, but I powered through. “You’re my other half, and I’m not willing to give that up because I know I’ll never feel this way about anyone else.”
His green eyes shimmered, and my heart dropped into my stomach.
“I love you too,” he rasped. “I can’t choose between you and ball. I never could. That’s why I can’t let you go either.”
“Really?”
He grabbed me by the back of the neck and tugged me close so our foreheads touched. “Really. I love you, babe. You’re it for me.”
“You’re it for me too,” I croaked. A second adrenaline drop hit, leaving me dizzy and a bit light-headed.
“What do you want to do about the team?”
“I want to tell them,” I whispered. “I know it’ll make things so much more complicated. But I can’t spend our last year together second-guessing my every move and every word that comes out of my mouth. The stress is already too much.”
“Yeah.” He kissed the side of my mouth. “You’re right. I can’t keep lying to everyone either.”
“I get that this year is different. That next year we’ll have to keep things quiet or even take a break.”
He pulled away and looked at me sharply.
“I refuse to be the reason baseball doesn’t work for you. If me being in your life complicates things next year, then I’ll wait for you.”
His jaw dropped.
“I want you to have everything you’ve dreamed of.”
“You’d really wait for me?”
“Yeah. For as long as it takes.”
“I could play for a decade if my knees and stats hold up. You’d wait ten years for me?”
“Of course. What’s ten years when we have a lifetime?”
His eyes softened, then took on a determined look. “No.”
“What?”
“No. I’m not putting our lives on hold for a game.”
“But—”
“Now it’s time for you to let me finish.” He smiled, taking the sting out of his words. “I’m going to have to tell any team that shows real interest in me that I’m gay. Hell, their vetting process will most likely expose me anyway. The point is, if they can’t accept it, they won’t sign me. I can pretend to be straight until the cows come home, but enough people know about me that it would only be a matter of time before the story broke.”
I bit my lip to stop myself from interrupting.
“So why the fuck should I put my life on hold? We might have to keep things quiet at the beginning, but eventually, the truth will come out. I refuse to give up any time with you, lifetime or not.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a complication.”
“You’re never a complication. Loving you isn’t a complication. Us being together isn’t a complication.” He gripped my shoulders, his eyes boring into mine. “You’re mine.”
“I am.” I grinned, and what felt like bubbles erupted in my chest.
“Yup. Just like I’m yours.”
“You totally are.”
He dropped his hands and shook his head. “Today has been one hell of a day.”
“Yeah, I’m about at my limit for epiphanies and heart-to-hearts.”
“How about we order some dinner, take a nice shower, then do some butt cuddles?”
“You read my mind.” I gave him what I hoped was a sexy grin. “As long as that shower involves lots of touching.”
“So much touching.” He grabbed my hand and yanked me up. “Especially my tongue and dick touching your hole.”
“Now there’s a fun mental picture.”
We jumped at Eli’s amused voice.
“Dude!” Jax gaped at him. “How the fuck are you so stealthy?”
“I have three younger siblings. Being stealthy is the only way to avoid having little kids chase me around and demand I play with them.”
“Wish that worked with my younger brother. He’d set traps if he figured out I could stealth him.”
Eli snickered. “Mine are a lot younger. They’re not quite at the set traps to get their way stage of development.”
“Hearing you guys say stuff like that makes me very glad I’m an only child,” I said.
“So this is something I’m not sure if I should say.” Eli bit his lip, his expression troubled.
“What do you mean?” Jax and I exchanged a look.
“Remember when we were talking and you told the guys that I saw you in the hallway?”
“You told them?” Jax turned to me.
“It’s a funny story.” I waved him off. “But yeah, I remember. Did I put you on the spot?”
“Not exactly. But I lied, and I don’t know if I should tell you that.”
“Lied?” Jax blinked. “I’m so lost.”
“Me too. What did you lie about?”
“I said I never saw you guys having sex. The truth is I did see you.”
The blood drained from my face, and Jax went stock-still beside me.
“I came home, and you guys were…” He waved at the couch. “I left and went for a walk. You were done when I came back. It felt wrong not to tell you that.”
I opened my mouth to say something but closed it.
He looked between us warily. “I shouldn’t have said anything. That was the wrong call.”
“No, it’s fine you did,” I said. “I’m just processing that you saw us.”
“Will this make things weird?” he asked softly, fear shining in his big eyes. “Did I ruin everything?”
“Not at all.” Jax laughed. “But things are really unfair now because he’s seen you, you’ve seen us, but I’ve only seen this guy.” He elbowed me in the side.
“Like I said, you only need Google to see me.” Eli smiled in that serene way of his.
“Don’t ever tell us your work name. I don’t need to see my little brother doing that again,” I said.
He gave us a smile, a real one, and nodded. “Deal. Enjoy your shower.” He winked and swept toward the kitchen.
“So that happened.” Jax took my hand and led me up the stairs.
“It did. You think the universe has anything else to throw at us tonight?”
“I hope the fuck not. Still want to shower together?”
“Only if there’s all that touching you promised.”
“There will be lots of touching.”
“Then what the fuck are we waiting for?”
Jax narrowed his eyes and dropped my hand.
“Think again, sucka!” I darted around him and raced up the stairs, taking them two at a time. “Last one in the bathroom uses the tiny towel.”
He thundered after me. “Cheater.” A strong arm grabbed me around the waist and hauled me to a stop.
“Hey, who’s the cheater now?” I shouted as Jax lifted me off the ground and spun me behind him.
Laughing, Jax ran into the bathroom and came skidding to a stop, a big grin on his face and his arms raised in victory.
“Joke’s on you because I’m still using the big towel,” I said sweetly.
“Such a cheater.” He closed the door behind me, a fond smile on his lips.
“You love me.”
“I do.” He leaned in and brushed his lips against mine. “And I always will.”
Jax yanked off his shirt, then turned off the water.
The flutters in my chest intensified, and a deep sense of contentment and peace settled over me as I watched my boyfriend get the shower ready for us.
The next few years were uncertain, and I had no idea what our lives would look like when the season ended, but we’d figure it out together.
It wasn’t going to be easy, but no matter what happened, it would be worth it because we were worth it.
