Slam.
I closed the door to the house with a little too much force. I didn’t remember the drive home.
That in itself was concerning, but the empty, hollow feeling inside me was even worse. I was spiraling.
“Alex?” I stopped dead at Finn’s voice.
“What?” I peered into the living room, Finn and Beck were cuddled up on the couch together. Finn was sitting on one end, a thick book in his hands, and Beck lay with his head on Finn’s lap, holding his phone.
“Nothing,” I said automatically. Had one of them said anything? I was too out of it to focus.
“Alex?” Beck was in front of me, his dark eyes filled with concern.
“What?” I croaked, looking away.
He grabbed my arm and gave it a little shake. “Look at me.”
I did.
“Let’s go upstairs.”
Wobbling as if my body wasn’t under my control, I followed him up the stairs to his room.
Once we were inside, he marched me over to his couch and sat me down with a push on my shoulders. I landed on the cushions in a heap.
“What’s going on?” Beck sat on the edge of the bed across from me, his arms on his thighs. “What happened?”
“I’m a mess,” I whispered.
Sadness clouded Beck’s expression. “Talk to me, Alex. I know I’ve been a shitty friend lately, but you can talk to me about anything.”
I wanted to say something scathing about how ignoring me wasn’t the best way to show he cared, but I bit it back. Taking my anger out on him wasn’t fair. Beck had put up with more of my shit than anyone else. He didn’t deserve to be my emotional punching bag because I was fucked up.
“Do you remember when Elissa and I broke up?” I picked at the skin around my thumbnail.
“Yeah. You never told me why. Just that it was over.”
“She cheated.”
“Shit, man. I’m sorry.”
“I saw it.”
“What?” Beck gasped.
“I was late to a party. When I walked in, she had some guy’s tongue down her throat. When I asked her about it, she said she was over dealing with my issues and she wanted a real man. One who could give her what she needed.”
“Fuck. That’s harsh.”
I snorted. “Yeah. And the worst part is I kinda knew the guy.”
“Knew him how?”
I stared at the ceiling. Now would be a great time for some guidance from a celestial being, or for the floor to open up and swallow me whole so this conversation and these feelings would be over.
“We flirted at a party last year. He asked for my number, but he never texted.”
Beck pursed his lips.
“I know. It’s not like I’ve never done that to someone.” I blew out a breath. “But this went beyond just normal flirting, you know? Like, we talked. I thought we connected, but apparently, it was one-sided.”
“You told me you were exclusively with women,” Beck said slowly.
“I was. He’s literally the only guy I’ve been tempted to break that rule with. I guess that hurts as much as him not texting. The one time I ignore my rules, and I get rejected.”
“I feel like there’s more to this. You and Elissa broke up a month ago. You weren’t this upset when it happened.”
“Remember that group project I told you about? The one where I was partnered with a random from my communications class?”
Understanding dawned on his face. “You’re paired up with that guy.”
I nodded and looked down at my hands. “He didn’t remember me,” I said bitterly. “He asked me why I hated him tonight. Turns out he and Elissa never had a thing. That kiss was as far as it went.”
I chuckled, the sound hollow and cold. “I hated him. I blamed him for our breakup. But it was my fault. She didn’t break up with me for him. She did it because of me. Because I’m too much.”
Beck hummed. “You guys broke up while Finn and I were getting together.”
I kept my eyes on the floor.
“So you had to deal with her rejection, the leftover hurt from that guy rejecting you last year, and I wasn’t there for you.”
I rubbed my palm on my thigh, the rough material of the denim keeping me grounded.
“Fuck, man. I’m so sorry.”
“I know you are.” My voice cracked, and I cleared my throat. “I know you’re sorry. And I get it.”
I looked up. His dark eyes were trained on mine.
“I’m going to do better.”
I wanted to tell him to forget it. That I wasn’t worth the effort. He’d just get sick of me eventually.
“Finn is important to me, but so are you.”
A spark of hope flickered in my chest, then died again. We’d had this conversation before.
“Want to go back to our gym schedule?”
“Huh?” I blinked at the sudden topic change.
“It’s not as fun going alone. I need your annoying ass to make me push myself.” He grinned crookedly.
A smile tugged at my lips. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Start tomorrow?”
“Okay.”
“Do you want to hang out with us? We were going to watch a movie when Finn is done studying.”
I didn’t feel like sitting through a movie but accepted the offer for the olive branch it was.
“Sure. I’ll be down once I change.”
He patted my shoulder, then gave it a little squeeze. Beck was a toucher. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed the casual intimacy between us until that moment.
Standing, I gave him a tight smile and headed out of his room to change. My mind was still spinning, but at least that little voice that whispered a near-constant stream of criticisms was quiet. It would be back. It always came back.
Three hours later, I was lying on my bed, staring into the darkness. Random thoughts filtered through my consciousness.
I felt better after my talk with Beck, but my mind was still a mess. I’d always been hypersensitive to rejection, whether real or perceived. I didn’t need therapy to tell me it was because of my parents.
Ping.
My burner phone lit up with a notification, and by the sound, it was from Kinksters.
Who would be messaging me at midnight on a Tuesday? Was it Wrong? Tapping down the flare of excitement, I opened the app.
A message from Wrong sat in my inbox. I sat up and turned my bedside lamp on. The warm light was jarring, and I blinked to clear the spots dancing before my eyes.
MrWrong: I jerked off to one of your pics tonight
Biting my lip, I quickly typed out a message before he went offline.
FunTimes: oh yeah? Which one?
His avatar appeared in the thread, telling me he’d seen my message.
MrWrong: the one of you on the beach
I pursed my lips. That was one of the only photos in my folder that didn’t show my dick.
MrWrong: I thought I was the only moron still up at this hour
FunTimes: not the only one
MrWrong: have trouble sleeping?
FunTimes: most nights
MrWrong: same
MrWrong: I work nights all weekend, and it’s hell constantly switching my schedule
FunTimes: I wish I had that excuse
FunTimes: my head gets really busy at night
FunTimes: makes it hard to sleep
Why was I telling him this? Maybe it was the late hour, but it felt natural to be honest with him.
MrWrong: that sucks
MrWrong: I have that problem when I’m stressed
FunTimes: I wish it was only when I was stressed
FunTimes: I’m always like this
MrWrong: sounds rough
FunTimes: it is
FunTimes: you work at a bar or something?
MrWrong: club
FunTimes: bartender?
MrWrong: not exactly
FunTimes: bouncer?
MrWrong: dancer
I stared at my screen for a few beats.
FunTimes: like the naked kind?
MrWrong: the nearly naked kind
MrWrong: male entertainer
MrWrong: stripper works too
FunTimes: really?
FunTimes: wow
FunTimes: I bet you get a lot of tips
MrWrong: why would you say that?
FunTimes: you’re fishing for compliments
MrWrong: maybe
I sent an eye roll emoji.
FunTimes: you don’t need me to feed your ego
MrWrong: awwww but it’s hungry
He sent the pleading face emoji with the big eyes.
FunTimes: you know you’re gorgeous
MrWrong: true
MrWrong: but it always feels good coming from a hot guy
FunTimes: is it weird?
MrWrong: is what weird?
FunTimes: dancing
MrWrong: I wouldn’t say it’s weird
MrWrong: some days it’s easier than others
MrWrong: being “on” when the crowd isn’t into it is rough
MrWrong: but most days it’s fine
FunTimes: I don’t think I could do it
FunTimes: dance
MrWrong: no?
FunTimes: no
FunTimes: I’d be too aware of everything else going on
MrWrong: what do you mean?
FunTimes: I just get distracted easily. It’s hard for me to concentrate on things sometimes
FunTimes: ask my ex gf, and she’ll tell you
Shit. Why had I written that? I should be done talking about Elissa. She’d dumped me, end of story. I needed to stop fixating on it.
MrWrong: what would she say if I asked her?
FunTimes: that I’m shit in bed
Jesus fuck. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I stop talking?
MrWrong: really?
MrWrong: because that hasn’t been my experience
FunTimes: it’s so embarrassing to talk about this
MrWrong: you don’t have to, but I’m a good listener
FunTimes: I have issues with… finishing
MrWrong: like orgasming?
FunTimes: yeah
MrWrong: what kind of issues? Something medical?
FunTimes: no
FunTimes: nothing like that
FunTimes: sometimes it’s hard for me to come because I can’t focus
MrWrong: like you’re not interested?
FunTimes: no. I’m always interested in sex
I sent a smirking emoji. Hopefully that would break some of the heaviness in the conversation.
MrWrong: is it a concentration thing?
FunTimes: yeah
FunTimes: like I want to be there, and I want to have sex, but my brain never shuts down. I get distracted by stupid shit and lose focus. I can go forever some nights, but actually finishing doesn’t always happen
MrWrong: and I’m guessing the girls you’ve been with have taken it personally?
FunTimes: yep
MrWrong: is it just with partners?
FunTimes: no
FunTimes: it happens when I’m solo too
FunTimes: now that I’ve completely humiliated myself, it’s your turn to tell me something embarrassing.
MrWrong: so that’s how it’s going to go?
FunTimes: yup
MrWrong: fair enough
I waited for him to start typing, but my screen went dark. I woke the phone back up.
FunTimes: and?
MrWrong: I’m thinking
FunTimes: not a lot of humiliation in your life, huh?
MrWrong: it’s not that
MrWrong: more I’m trying to narrow it down
MrWrong: I have one
FunTimes: what?
MrWrong: remember I told you about my friends? The ones who like me to watch them?
FunTimes: I remember
FunTimes: kinda jelly you have such kinky friends ngl
MrWrong: they’re unique, that’s for sure
MrWrong: the first time they invited me over, back when we were just getting to know each other, I didn’t realize that the invite was for a 3some
FunTimes: really?
MrWrong: nope
MrWrong: looking back, it was obvious, but I showed up thinking we were just hanging out
FunTimes: what happened?
MrWrong: they started making out, and I thought “cool. I like watching”
MrWrong: then one of them went down on the other
MrWrong: and I thought “okay. A bit bold, but I’m into it”
FunTimes: then what?
MrWrong: I watched them for a while. Then one of them knelt in front of me
FunTimes: please tell me you figured out they wanted you to participate when that happened
MrWrong: you’d think, but nope
I snickered.
FunTimes: omg you’re oblivious
MrWrong: that night I was
FunTimes: then what?
MrWrong: he went to unzip my jeans, and I was so shocked I jumped up
MrWrong: I still don’t know how it happened, but somehow I ended up falling over the back of the couch and landed on my ass on the floor
A laugh bubbled out of my chest.
FunTimes: omfg
FunTimes: did you end up hooking up with them?
MrWrong: yeah
MrWrong: once they stopped laughing at me
MrWrong: my ass was bruised for nearly a week
MrWrong: made sitting suuuuper fun
FunTimes: I bet
MrWrong: can I ask you something?
FunTimes: sure
MrWrong: you don’t have to answer, but I’ve kinda picked up that you don’t hook up with guys often
FunTimes: not often, no
No way would I tell him he was the only one in years.
MrWrong: is there a reason?
FunTimes: don’t find a lot of guys I want to hook up with
MrWrong: is that the only reason?
FunTimes: no
I stared at the phone, a rush of panic shooting through me.
Was I seriously about to tell Wrong about what had happened with Brett?
MrWrong: you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want
FunTimes: I don’t talk about it, not ever
FunTimes: the first guy I hooked up with kinda messed me up
MrWrong: how so?
FunTimes: he was my best friend
I swallowed as the memories came rushing back to me.
FunTimes: or at least I thought he was
FunTimes: remember I told you I moved in with my grandma when I was 13?
MrWrong: I remember
FunTimes: he was the first friend I made when I moved, and I guess I kind of got fixated on him. I put up with a lot of shit from him because I thought I was in love with him
FunTimes: he caught me kissing another guy in our class at a party
FunTimes: I didn’t even realize he’d seen us, but he confronted me a few days later. Asked if I liked dick
FunTimes: I told him the truth
FunTimes: I told him I liked both, that I was bi
FunTimes: long story short, he pulled his dick out and told me to suck it
FunTimes: I did
FunTimes: I thought it meant something. He was my best friend. I thought we’d be together
MrWrong: he didn’t want that?
FunTimes: not publicly
FunTimes: he was perfectly happy using my mouth or ass in private, but that was it
FunTimes: he ignored me at school
FunTimes: he kept promising he’d come out, but he always had an excuse or reason why he couldn’t
FunTimes: I let him use me for almost two years
FunTimes: but it was all one-sided
FunTimes: he never once reciprocated
FunTimes: wouldn’t kiss me
FunTimes: wouldn’t even prep me
I swallowed hard as a lump formed in my throat.
FunTimes: and I let him use me because I stupidly believed he was in love with me too
FunTimes: that he would come out and we’d be together for real
MrWrong: that didn’t happen, did it?
FunTimes: no
FunTimes: I kept making excuses for him when he was mean to me at school or when I saw him with girls. He told me it wasn’t cheating because they didn’t mean anything to him. That they were just to take suspicion off us
FunTimes: one night I confronted him. He wanted to have sex, but I could smell some chick’s perfume all over him. He said he’d just messed around with her but wanted me
FunTimes: I told him no, told him I was done being his sidepiece and if he wanted to fuck me, he’d have to date me
FunTimes: he laughed in my face
FunTimes: told me the only reason he’d bothered to keep me around was because he wanted to get his dick in me
MrWrong: shit
FunTimes: yeah
FunTimes: that was the last time he ever spoke to me
FunTimes: and I’m going to go die in a hole now that I’ve completely overshared
MrWrong: you didn’t overshare
FunTimes: really? Cause I feel like I did
MrWrong: you shared, but you didn’t overshare
FunTimes: I don’t know why it’s so easy to talk to you
MrWrong: maybe because you feel safe with me
My chest tightened. He was right. I did feel safe with him. It was stupid and reckless to put any faith in a rando from a hookup app, but Wrong understood me on a level no one else ever had.
MrWrong: and being a faceless stranger probably helps too
FunTimes: kinda
MrWrong: if it helps, I feel safe with you too
FunTimes: really?
MrWrong: really
FunTimes: that does make me feel better
MrWrong: I’m sorry about your “friend.” That’s a horrible thing to go through
FunTimes: has something like that happened to you?
MrWrong: sort of
FunTimes: sort of?
I stared at the screen. Would he elaborate and share something personal with me too?
MrWrong: I was a late bloomer
FunTimes: really?
MrWrong: oh yeah
MrWrong: I was a skinny, awkward nerd in high school
MrWrong: I got bullied a lot
FunTimes: I would never have guessed
MrWrong: I grew out of it eventually
MrWrong: I didn’t have a lot of friends. Growing up in a small town meant I knew everyone, but that didn’t make us friends
MrWrong: in tenth grade one of the most popular girls in school asked me to homecoming
MrWrong: I was so floored that someone wanted to go out with me I didn’t see it for what it was
I winced. I could sense where this was going.
MrWrong: long story short, it was a prank. I went to pick her up, and a group of our classmates was waiting for me. I got a shit ton of eggs and water balloons thrown at me. Then they all left to enjoy the dance while I went home and had to explain to my mom what had happened
MrWrong: then I got to see it again and again as a video of the attack was passed around school
FunTimes: shit
MrWrong: it taught me to stop giving a shit what people thought of me. Then I hit a growth spurt, started working out, and suddenly everyone wanted to be my friend
FunTimes: at least you found a silver lining
MrWrong: what’s yours?
FunTimes: what do you mean?
MrWrong: your friend. What’s the silver lining that came out of that?
FunTimes: there isn’t one
MrWrong: are you sure?
I paused. I’d spent so many years focused on what had happened to me that I’d never stopped to think about what good might have come out of it.
FunTimes: I swore I’d never hook up with someone who wouldn’t reciprocate again
MrWrong: that’s a silver lining
FunTimes: and I promised myself I’d never let someone cheat on me
MrWrong: another one
I didn’t tell him that my workaround was to never date.
It figured that the one girl I’d broken that rule for hadn’t been worth it. Not only had she cheated on me, but she’d also epically dumped me for a guy I had the hots for.
FunTimes: thanks
MrWrong: for what?
FunTimes: talking with me
MrWrong: talking with you isn’t exactly a hardship
I flushed hot.
FunTimes: I mean talking without the sexy times
MrWrong: again, not a hardship
FunTimes: I should probably go to sleep. I have class in the morning
MrWrong: same
MrWrong: are you feeling better?
FunTimes: a lot better
MrWrong: I’m glad
FunTimes: night
MrWrong: night
I exited out of the app and put my phone on the bedside table.
Usually, talking about my traumas only made things worse. I was so used to compartmentalizing and repressing things that talking about them only brought them back to the surface. Then I’d have to fight to push them back down.
The conversation with Wrong hadn’t solved anything, but I did feel better.
As I snuggled into my pillow, an image of Kai holding his sister in his arms flashed in my mind. He wasn’t the monster I’d built him up to be.
Yes, he’d rejected me, but it hadn’t been malicious. It wasn’t his fault our conversation had mattered more to me than to him. And the whole Elissa debacle wasn’t his fault either. He wasn’t the bad guy in this story.
Sighing, I rolled onto my side and turned off the light.
Right now, I needed to sleep. I could ruminate later.
