Having a boyfriend wasn’t weird. I’d been worried that making things official with Alex might take some getting used to. I wasn’t one for casual affection, and I liked my alone time.
Alex was the first person I wanted to spend all my free time with. Usually, I was happy to let whoever I was in an arrangement with do whatever they wanted and we met up when the urge to fuck got strong enough. But this was different. Before, all my arrangements had been casual. More of a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” type of thing.
I hadn’t been sure if Alex would be okay with public displays of affection. Hell, I hadn’t been sure I’d be okay with them. But Alex was mine, and the possessive bastard in me loved claiming him in public. I was proud to hold his hand, to show everyone that we were together. Alex was ridiculously hot and got looks everywhere he went. He didn’t notice them, but I sure as hell did.
We didn’t cuddle a lot in bed. Right after sex, sure, but we lay side by side and talked about everything and nothing for hours. And we always fell asleep on our own sides of the bed. Between Alex’s sensory issues and me being an incredibly light sleeper, it was best we didn’t touch at night, but I loved how Alex always wanted sleepy kisses and to snuggle into my chest when we woke up. He was touch starved, and apparently, so was I.
We fell into a nice routine almost by accident. We met up on our longer breaks at school and tried to spend a little bit of time together each evening. When I babysat Rain, he came over to hang out with us, and she adored him. The fact that my boyfriend and my little sister had bonded meant a lot to me. Family was everything, and Alex had seamlessly become one of us.
Usually, I went over to his house when my classes were done. I hadn’t been able to stack mine and make a decent schedule like he had, and I always finished later than him.
I liked his roommates, and we spent a fair bit of time in the living room watching movies or shows with Beck and Finn and also with Matt and his shadow/bestie Jax. Eli didn’t spend a lot of time with the group, but I was used to his hermit tendencies.
Alex had told me how Eli had accidentally outed him the night after our presentation. I was glad Alex was okay with his sexuality being out there, but I also knew Eli would be beating himself up over that for a long-ass time. If Alex thought he fixated on unpleasant or painful events, he had nothing on Eli. That kid never let anything go, and considering how his mind worked, that wasn’t surprising.
Our sex life was as good as it had always been. We still experimented and pushed boundaries, especially when Alex needed to get out of his head, but that wasn’t the only kind of sex we had. Not anymore. Slow, tender sex, quickies, or full-on scenes, it didn’t matter. Every time with Alex was just as good as the last.
We fit together, and I’d also learned I had a caretaker kink. Cooking for him, bringing him food during the day, and even texting him reminders to drink water made me feel good. I loved knowing that I was helping him and giving him something he’d never had.
But it wasn’t all one-sided. Alex did just as much for me as I did for him. Before we’d gotten together, my life had been a revolving door of working, helping my mom, and keeping my grades up. I hadn’t had the time or the desire to do anything fun.
Now I found myself laughing with abandon and constantly smiling when Alex was around. Being with him made me happy, but it was more than that. Like we fed off each other’s energy. Him being happy made me happy. I’d never had that kind of connection with anyone before.
Beck had also started putting more effort into their friendship. They went to the gym together and made a point to hang out a couple of times a week. That had helped settle a lot of Alex’s inner turmoil.
A part of me wished I could give him everything he needed, but I knew that was unrealistic. We both needed friendships and connections outside our relationship. Otherwise, our tendencies toward codependency and obsessive attention could easily turn toxic.
“No way.” Jax shook his head at the screen. “No fucking way that’s possible.”
Matt smirked and elbowed Jax in the side. “Just ‘cause you can’t wrap your brain around it doesn’t mean it’s not possible.”
“Dude held his breath for, like, five minutes.” Jax turned to the loveseat where Beck and Finn were sitting. “Finn, you’re smart. Can humans hold their breath for that long?”
“I have no idea. I’m a physics major.”
“Eli.” Jax turned his attention to the other side of the couch, where Eli was curled up. “You’re super smart. Is that possible?”
“Depends. Some people can hold their breath for five minutes or more. But is it the norm? No. And the odds of a middle-aged dude being able to after getting his ass kicked in a ten-minute fight are low.”
“Ha!” Jax jabbed Matt in the side with his finger.
Matt slapped his hand away and grabbed Jax by the back of the neck. Jax didn’t fight as Matt dragged him closer and messed up his hair.
“There’s something off about them,” I whispered to Alex as Jax sat back on the couch like nothing had happened.
“Totally,” he whispered back. “I can’t tell if they’re fucking or not.”
I snickered. Thankfully a loud explosion on the screen covered the sound. “Yeah, I can’t tell either.”
“Matt said he’s straight, but Jax is gay…”
“You don’t think a straight guy and a gay guy can be that close and it be completely platonic?”
“No, I’m sure they can. But those two don’t give off ‘just friends’ vibes.”
He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t know either guy well, but in all the times I’d been at the house, I’d never seen Matt there without Jax. They were attached at the hip.
They reminded me of golden retrievers, except when they played video games together. Then they were brutal. The trash-talking and taunting were next level, and they got so into it the rest of the world melted away. But whatever. Not my circus, not my monkey.
When the movie was done, Alex walked me to the front door.
“Have a good night.” I drew him close and pressed a kiss against his lips.
“You too.” He kissed me again. Then we both stepped back.
“You heading out?” Jax came down the hall.
“Yup.” I turned back to Alex. “See you in the morning.”
He nodded, a happy smile tilting his full lips.
“Later, Alex.” Jax waved as Alex stepped aside.
“Later.”
I gave Alex one last look, then followed Jax out of the house. As much as I wanted to drag him upstairs and bury myself in his tight body, I had an early class in the morning.
“You need a ride?” I asked Jax when we’d reached the sidewalk.
“Nah, I don’t mind walking. Gets the blood pumping.”
“How far do you live?”
“Only about a mile that way.” He motioned to the left.
Jax was a big guy. We were the same height, but his wide shoulders and thick legs made him look huge. My body had been achieved in a gym. His came from being an elite athlete. Any idiot who dared mess with him would most likely get their face rearranged.
“See ya.” He waved, then trotted down the street, his pace fast and his strides long.
The drive home took just under twenty minutes, and I was climbing out of my car when a text came through.
Alex: I need help
I’d barely finished reading the text when I hit Call.
“Hello?” His reedy voice came over the line after two rings.
“What’s wrong? Are you in danger? Are you hurt?”
“No, nothing like that. I’m sorry. I’m being dramatic.”
“Are you at the house?”
“Yeah. I just… I—”
“I’ll be there in less than twenty minutes.”
“You don’t have to come.”
“I’m coming. Make sure the main door is unlocked, then stay in your room. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Don’t be sorry.” I folded myself into my car and pulled the door shut. “Just get comfortable and wait for me. I’m on my way.”
“Thanks.”
The call ended. I tossed my phone onto the passenger’s seat and started the car. On my way back to the house, I broke more than a few traffic laws and managed to get there in under fifteen minutes. Thank fuck the cops didn’t patrol student housing.
The door was unlocked, and I hurried into the house. The main floor was empty. I took the stairs two at a time and rushed over to his door.
“Alex?” I said softly as I pushed it open.
He was curled up on his bed, his back against the wall and his arms around his knees. He’d put on one of the hoodies I’d given him, but it was his eyes that drew my attention. They were red-rimmed and staring blankly at the wall. His dissociative stare.
“Baby?” I gently closed the door behind me and walked into the room.
He slid his gaze to me, but that unseeing, unfocused look was still there.
“Alex, look at me.”
He blinked and shook his head slightly. “Kai?”
“What happened?” I sat on the bed in front of him, not wanting to spook him by crowding him.
“I just… my brain started going, and I started thinking all these horrible things and…” He rubbed his hand over his face.
“I’m glad you reached out.” I slid just close enough that our knees touched. “That you let me come and take care of you.”
“You’re going to get sick of me,” he whispered.
Fuck. Something had to have triggered this. Alex still struggled with his dark thoughts, but this kind of breakdown had to be in response to something.
“No, I’m not.”
“You are.” He picked up his phone and tapped on the screen a few times. “Everyone always does.”
He handed me the phone. I looked at the screen.
hewhoshallnotbenamed: bet he doesn’t fuck you as good as I did
hewhoshallnotbenamed: I give it a week before he dumps your ass
hewhoshallnotbenamed: maybe a month if you keep your mouth shut unless his dick is in it
hewhoshallnotbenamed: he looks a lot like me
hewhoshallnotbenamed: bet you think about me when he fucks you
hewhoshallnotbenamed: bet he thinks about anyone else but you when he does
hewhoshallnotbenamed: I did
hewhoshallnotbenamed: only way I could keep it up for you
hewhoshallnotbenamed: have fun dying alone
Anger flared in my chest. “Is this who I think it is?” I asked, making sure to keep my voice even.
He nodded.
“Why did he send these tonight?”
He put his chin on his knees. “I kinda did a thing.”
“What?”
“Check my Insta.”
I exited out of his texts, opened the app, and looked at his profile. He’d uploaded a selfie of the two of us he’d taken earlier that evening when we’d been sitting on the couch together. The caption simply said “Boyfriends.”
“Is this the first time you’ve posted about us?”
He nodded.
“That was very brave.”
He snapped his eyes to mine. Confusion clouded them.
“I know it wasn’t easy to put that out there, especially to people in your past.”
He gripped his hair and tugged on the strands. “I still hear his stupid voice. I hate that he has this kind of power over me.”
“It’s hard to get over that kind of betrayal and hurt.”
“I don’t want to keep feeling like this.” He looked up at me with watery eyes.
“I know, baby.” I opened my arms, and Alex melted into my embrace. He snuggled into my chest and gripped me tight. “It’s going to take time to heal, but that’s why I’m here. Whenever you feel overwhelmed or his voice comes back or the doubts hit, call, text, whatever you need. I’ll be here.”
“For how long?” His voice was miserable. “How long before you get sick of my issues?”
“Never.”
“Liar.”
“Nope. Not lying.” I kissed his hair.
“I told you being with me is a lot of work.”
“You keep saying that, but it’s really not.” I pulled him off my chest so I could look into his eyes. “Being with you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. All the issues you keep freaking out over aren’t even issues to me. You’ve been hurt, and you’ve spent a lot of time protecting yourself. You never actually healed from the trauma, did you?”
“Not really. I kind of just tried to pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Now you have me to lean on, to help you. I want to be there for you. And I’m so proud of you for reaching out and not trying to deal with this alone.”
The corners of his mouth lifted in a barely there smile.
“I think you need to do something proactive.”
“Block him?”
I nodded.
“I know I should have. I don’t even know why I didn’t.”
“You weren’t ready before. Are you ready now?”
“Yeah. I’m ready.”
I sat with him as he went through all his social media and blocked Brett’s profiles. Then he did the same with his phone number.
“How do you feel?”
“Better.” He tossed his phone aside.
“Good.”
“I’m sorry you had to come all the way back here because of some stupid texts.”
“I’m not.” I sat next to him on the bed. “I’m happy you did. It shows me that you trust me.”
“I do.” He leaned his head against my shoulder. “I always have. Even when I didn’t like you, I still trusted you.”
“So trust me when I say that I’ll always be here for you.”
“There you go being annoyingly perfect again,” he grumbled.
“What can I say? I’m amazing.”
“And so modest.” He poked me in the side playfully. “Let me guess. Modesty is for the mediocre?”
“It really is.”
We sat in silence.
“Has anyone ever spoken to you about ADHD?”
Alex shifted off me and sat up straight. “Why?”
“I’ve noticed that a lot of what you struggle with are symptoms of ADHD.”
I expected him to get angry, but he chewed on his lip.
“Everyone presents differently, but you check a lot of the boxes.”
“No one ever said anything.” He picked at the skin around his thumbnail. “They just said I needed to learn to apply myself. That I had potential. I just needed to learn to focus or concentrate.”
“Teachers?” I asked.
“Yeah.” He snorted. “My entire life, I’ve been told I’m lazy or unfocused or irresponsible.”
“I’m obviously not a professional, but I think it would be worth getting an assessment done.”
“You think?”
“I do. Maybe I’m totally wrong, but maybe I’m right.”
“But if you are, that means I struggled every damn day for twenty-one years, feeling like my brain is my enemy when I didn’t have to.”
“A late diagnosis can be hard, but it could also help you understand why your mind works the way it does.”
“So I’m needy, high maintenance, into some kinky-ass stuff, and now I might have ADHD. Jesus. I wouldn’t blame you for walking away.”
“You’re going to have to cut that shit out.”
“What shit?”
I gently gripped his chin and held his head in place. “I’m not walking away. I love you just the way you are.”
His eyes widened to a point it was almost comical. “What?” he breathed.
“I love you.” I let go of his chin. “I’m in love with you.”
“You are?”
“I am.”
“But…”
“I love you, Alex,” I repeated, my voice firm.
“I… I love you too.”
The punch to my gut took me by surprise. “Oof.”
“Even if you are annoying as fuck.” He grinned mischievously.
“Oh, you think so.” I grabbed him around the waist and threw him onto the bed.
He landed on the mattress with a laugh that turned into a gasp when I lay over him. “I do.”
“Maybe I should find something else for you to do with that mouth.”
“Maybe you should.” He dragged his tongue over his bottom lip.
“Say sorry to your roommates for me.” I straddled his stomach.
“Huh?” He blinked up at me.
“Because we’re about to get really loud.”
“Consider it payback for all the times I had to listen to them getting it on.”
I ripped my pants open and pulled out my rock-hard dick. “Open your mouth, princess.”
“Make me.”
“Oh, I will.”
I grabbed his wrists in my hand and pinned them to the bed. “Stoplight method.”
He nodded.
“What’s your color?”
“Green.”
“Fuck, yeah.”
I knelt over his chest and angled my dick toward his mouth. Alex let out a little squeal and rolled his lips inward, his eyes flashing with challenge.
Life with Alex was everything I’d thought I’d never want but was so happy I had. He was my everything. The person who not only mattered the most but who also loved me as much as I loved him.
I knew things wouldn’t magically get better just because we loved each other. We both still had issues to work on, and Alex had a long road of healing ahead of him. But we’d face all that together, just like we’d face everything from now on.
Alex was my everything, and I was so thankful he was mine.
