“What’s going on with you?”
“Huh?” I snapped my gaze up from the book I’d been staring at, my vision hazy and blurred. “Sorry, what?” I blinked to clear my eyes.
“Are you okay?” Finn sat on the couch next to me, concern on his face.
“Yeah. Fine.” I smiled, or at least tried to.
He gave me a look that said he didn’t believe me.
“Just distracted by something.” I closed my book. “Did you need something?”
“Ready?” Beck came thundering down the stairs.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Finn stood.
“I’m fine.” The lie slipped out so easily, and I tried not to dwell on how Finn was the only person who’d noticed I wasn’t fine.
But even though he’d reached out and asked, I couldn’t talk to him about this. How did one tell their roommates they not only cammed but had also auctioned off their virginity online?
Matt and his boyfriend knew about my job, but they were the only ones outside of my family and my oldest, and only, friend.
No way could I tell any of them about the auction.
“Are you going out?” I asked.
Beck stood behind Finn and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist.
“Anna has a show this week, so we’re going to help her set up.” Finn leaned back against Beck.
“Have fun.” I gave them what I hoped was a genuine smile.
They said their good-byes, and I turned back to my book. I’d read this series a dozen times already. It was one of my comfort reads, but I couldn’t get into it.
With a heavy sigh, I tossed the book onto the coffee table and stared at the wall. Almost a week had passed since the auction, and NotEast5 hadn’t answered my message. Everyone else who’d bid enough to get a prize had claimed theirs already, but they’d left me on read. I wanted to get it over with, but I didn’t know what to do with their silence. And I couldn’t stop obsessing over why they’d dropped so much money to win, only to ignore me.
Knock. Knock.
Startled out of my musings, I padded over to the front door. I was the only one home now that Beck and Finn had left.
West stood on our doorstep, looking… off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was wrong. His hair was disheveled, like he’d been running his fingers through it, his shoulders were stooped, and his eyes were troubled.
Was he okay?
“What do you want?” I crossed my arms, angry at myself for caring about him at all.
“We need to talk.”
“Why?”
“Can I come in?”
“I don’t know, can you?”
The corners of his mouth tilted up. “Weren’t you the one who gave me a ten-minute lecture on grammar when I pulled that on you in seventh grade?”
I couldn’t stop the chuckle that bubbled up in my chest. “Maybe.”
“Can I come in? Please?”
I wanted to tell him to go away but stepped back. He was the property manager. It wasn’t like I could keep him out.
“Thanks.”
“What do you want?” I asked again.
He closed the door behind him and looked past me. “Can we talk in private?”
“Why? Anything you need to tell me about the house isn’t private.”
“This isn’t about the house.”
“Then I don’t want to hear it.” I pointed at the door. “Out.”
“Eli—”
“Out.”
“I’m NotEast5.”
My brain went utterly blank, and my vision went white.
What? No. No freaking way.
“Eli?” Strong hands gripped my arms.
Why was my chest burning? Static exploded in both my vision and my ears as the reality of the situation hit.
West was NotEast5. West had won the auction. He’d bought my virginity.
“Eli!”
His sharp voice knocked me out of my shock, and I dragged in a gulping breath.
He let go of my arms, concern etched into his handsome face.
Wait. What? Handsome? Why was I thinking about his looks now?
West was my mystery tipper.
The realization hit just as hard as learning he’d won the auction. How? The odds of someone I knew finding my channel were statistically impossible. I’d done the math.
Why had he sent me money every week?
Hurt flared in my chest, and heat prickled my cheeks.
“I know you’re pissed—”
“Damn right, I’m pissed.” I blinked back the tears gathering in my eyes. “Why? Why did you bid? To humiliate me? To blackmail me?”
“No—”
“Then why? You’re not gay? How did you even find my channel?”
“I found it by accident. It was on my suggestions page.”
“But why would I be on your suggestions?” I shoved down the hurt and focused on the anger simmering underneath it. The algorithms based your recommendations on your watch history.
“Because I watch male cammers,” he said slowly.
“Why?”
He arched his eyebrow. “You really can’t figure that one out on your own.”
“You’re bi?”
He nodded.
My brain stuttered again. I hadn’t seen that coming.
West had this magnetic aura about him that drew people in. He’d always had a lineup of girls at school vying for his attention. His connections and bank balance had certainly helped boost his popularity, but he’d seemed like a genuinely good person and never wanted for company or admiration.
My thoughts clouded. Yeah, I’d horribly misjudged him back then. I wasn’t about to make that mistake again.
“I know this is a huge shock.” He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets.
I snorted. That was the understatement of the century.
My older brother’s former rival, and one of the few people I’d called a friend, not only knew about what I did for a living but had also dropped three thousand dollars to win my auction and buy my virginity.
“Can we talk in private, please?”
“No one else is home.” I crossed my arms over my chest and lowered my gaze to my threadbare sweatpants and ragged hoodie. Both were several sizes too big, the colors faded and washed out.
I almost laughed at the picture we must make. There stood West in his expensive work boots, designer jeans, and brand-new jacket. The gold watch on his wrist looked like an antique, and his haircut probably cost more than I spent a week on groceries.
Then there was me. Mousy, average Eli in his frumpy clothes. The weird kid from the wrong side of town.
Humiliation burned in my chest. My fingers ached from clenching them.
“Can we go into the living room or something?”
“No point.” I unfurled my fingers and pulled in a steadying breath.
“Eli—”
“Why? Why the tips? Why did you bid? Why would you spend all that money on a prank?”
“It wasn’t a prank—”
“Don’t lie to me. I know it was.” Angrily I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Eli—” he said, his voice gentle.
“Don’t,” I choked out. “This isn’t because of you.” I waved my hand at my face. “It’s a stress response. Nothing more.”
He kept silent, his eyes filled with concern.
“Why did you send me those tips?”
“I honestly don’t know.” He ran his fingers over the clock face of his watch. “I guess I wanted to help.”
The flash of anger came out of nowhere and hit so hard it stole my breath. I gasped as my chest tightened and my vision went hazy around the edges.
My reactions to his words freaked me out almost as much as what he’d said. I didn’t get angry like this. Hell, I didn’t get embarrassed or sad or scared either. Sure, I felt all those emotions on the surface, but not on such a deep, visceral level.
What the hell was happening?
“Help?” Instead of fighting my anger, I sank into it and let it take over. “Help like you did six years ago?”
He hung his head. “I made a mistake—”
“Yeah. You did. But you didn’t give a shit then, so why now? To assuage your guilt? To make you feel like a big man?”
“No.” His voice was quiet, defeated. “I just… I know how expensive insurance is, and when I found out you…”
“I don’t need your charity.” Something akin to sorrow flowed through me, battling with the anger still consuming me.
A part of me had foolishly hoped West had sent the tips because he was attracted to me. That he’d see me as an adult and maybe even an equal.
God, I was so stupid. Even if he were attracted to guys, he’d never be attracted to me. He had everything, and I was nothing.
“It wasn’t charity.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I focused on a spot on the floor. The fight had left me. “What’s your Venmo? I’ll refund you for the auction and all the tips.”
“No.”
The sorrow evaporated and was replaced by shock. “Excuse me?”
“I don’t want any of it back.”
“I don’t care. I don’t want it.”
“Then give it to charity. I’m not taking it back.” His eyes softened.
Was the fucker laughing at me?
“Fine,” I snapped. “Then let’s do this.”
“What?” His face went slack with shock.
“You won the auction. There’s no point making a big deal out of this now.” I waved for him to come into the house, my movements jerky and overly dramatic. “Come claim your prize.”
“No.”
“No?” I narrowed my eyes at him. “What? The accommodations not up to your standards? Sorry, your highness, but this is how the other half lives. You want my ass? Then you’ve got to deal with the poor people cooties floating around.”
“Don’t be childish.”
“Childish?” I shrieked, sounding as hysterical as I felt. “I’m just telling it how it is.”
His jaw worked as he gritted his teeth. Why the fuck was he mad? He didn’t get to be mad. I was the one who’d been played. Me, not him.
“What? You spent three grand, and you don’t want me?”
“No.”
Hurt and humiliation slammed into my chest. Of course he didn’t want me. He’d never want me. I was nothing more than a charity case to him. Someone to throw money at so he could pat himself on the back for being so magnanimous. Like a damn shelter animal he’d sponsored.
“Then why?” My voice trembled. “Why did you bid if you don’t want me?”
“To make sure you didn’t do something stupid!” he burst out.
Anger once again flared in me. “Stupid?”
“Yes, stupid.” He raked one hand through his hair. “You keep asking me why, but what about you? Why the fuck would you auction your virginity off to a stranger on the goddamn Internet?”
“Why not?” I shot back.
“Because it’s dangerous.” He stared at me like I’d told him that monkeys ran the government and dinosaurs were alive and well and living underground.
“Cammers and porn models do this kind of stuff all the time. Besides, I planned for every possible scenario or outcome. I had contingencies in place for my contingencies—”
“You can’t plan for human emotion. I read your plan. It was thorough. I’ll give you that. But it was flawed.”
“Flawed?” I tamped down the flash of indignation. “I don’t make flawed plans. You just couldn’t see I had everything covered.”
“What if they hurt you? What if you were in some fucking hotel room alone, and they wanted more than you were willing to give? What if they beat you? Raped you? Killed you? What plan could possibly take that back?”
“They wouldn’t…”
“Why not?”
“Because they’d have agreed to my terms…”
“You really think a checklist is going to save you if someone decides they want to hurt you?”
“I’d have their name, their personal information. I would have had the upper hand.”
“Logically, yes. But humans aren’t logical. They don’t always act or react the way they should, especially when sex is involved. Ever heard of a crime of passion?”
“It wouldn’t be like that.”
“How do you know?” His eyes blazed with what looked like fury. “How do you know it wouldn’t?”
“Because…”
Cold prickled at my skin, and my anger faded. Was West right?
No. He wasn’t. I’d planned for everything. This was him overreacting and indulging in his savior kink.
“What are the statistics when it comes to sex workers being the victims of violent crimes?” He’d gentled his tone, but the tension from before still simmered under the surface.
“Those are irrelevant. This is a completely different situation.”
“Is it?”
“Yes.”
“There are easier ways to make money—”
“I didn’t do it for the money.”
“Then why?”
“Weren’t you listening? Because I’m tired of being a virgin.”
“Why would you want a stranger who bought you to be your first?”
“Why not? What’s so different from going to a club or going on Grindr and picking up some random? The danger would be there no matter what. At least this way I get something out of it.”
“It’s not the same, and you know it.”
“Why do you even care? You saved me from all the terrible, implausible things your brain decided were going to happen if I went through with the auction. Congratulations. Mission accomplished. Eli, the idiot, has been put in his place.”
“You’re the furthest thing from an idiot.”
“You called me stupid. That’s kind of synonymous with being an idiot.”
“I didn’t call you stupid. I said your idea was stupid.”
“Well, my stupid idea isn’t happening now. You can go back to your ivory tower and congratulate yourself on your altruism and benevolence. Did you even stop to think that maybe this wasn’t your decision to make? That I’m an adult with free agency over my body, and I should be the one to decide what I do with it?”
“I didn’t want you to make a mistake you’d regret for the rest of your life,” he said softly.
“But it was my mistake to make. And getting railed by a stranger isn’t even going to make the top one thousand of things I regret.”
“It might. You don’t know how things will affect you until it’s done and you can’t take it back.”
“Why would I want to take it back? It’s not like I was expecting it to be good. It was a business transaction. Nothing more.”
“You don’t think you deserve to enjoy your first time? To be with someone who’ll treat you properly?”
“What’s your obsession with first times? Virginity only matters because society has decided it has value. I have a commodity people are willing to pay for. Why wouldn’t I use that to my advantage?”
“Because you’re more than a commodity.”
“Am I?” A bubble of laughter escaped my throat.
“Yes, you are. The kid I knew—”
“That kid grew up a long fucking time ago,” I snapped. “He learned the world is a cruel place filled with horrible people and his only worth is in what he can do for others. So tell me again how I’m not a commodity? How I’m anything more than a broken mistake who isn’t worth anything to anyone.”
West gaped at me.
Fuck. I hadn’t meant to say that. The emotional whiplash from the conversation was getting to me and lowering my defenses.
“You think I’m some naïve kid who doesn’t understand how the world works. That you needed to swoop in and save me from myself because of some idealized version of me you have in your head. You’ve fed your savior kink.” My lips folded into a smile. A rush of adrenaline shot through me. “Now it’s time to follow through.”
“Follow through?”
“Yeah.” I stood up straight and tilted my head to the side.
West’s eyes darkened as a lock of hair fell over one eye.
“You’re the one who’s convinced my first time needs to be this magical experience. Now you get to not only play savior but also be one. Come on, West. Come save me with the power of your cock.”
He swallowed, his eyes flaring with something. Was it irritation? Or maybe heat?
“That’s not why I—”
“I know. You dropped three thousand dollars to save me, not because you want to fuck me. Because the idea of sticking your dick in me is just so repulsive you can’t do it. But we made a deal.”
“Eli…” A hint of warning.
“What? Can’t handle the terms you agreed to?” I asked sweetly.
“Why are you doing this?”
“I’m not doing anything. You willingly entered into a binding contract with me, and now you’re changing the rules because they don’t suit you.” I ran my tongue over my bottom lip and peered up at him through my lashes.
He dragged in a ragged breath and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I’m not changing the rules.”
“Aren’t you?” I gave him my best innocent smolder, the one I’d perfected over years of camming.
His nostrils flared, and he cut his gaze to the side and stared at the wall.
Seeing him all flustered and off-kilter was strangely exhilarating.
“Whatever you’re trying to do, it’s not going to work.”
“I’m not trying to do anything.” I pouted. “Just pointing out how you’re not fulfilling your end of our deal.”
“Stop that.”
“Stop what?” I injected as much innocence into my voice as I could.
“You’re being a brat.”
“A brat?” A rush of the emotional equivalent of yelling “fuck, yeah” shot through me. He was pissed, and I loved it.
“Yes, a brat.”
“Then what are you being?”
“An adult.”
“Well then, Mr. Adult. Time to fulfill your end of our deal. Either you fuck me, or you forfeit your right to my ass, and I go and find some random to do it for you.”
His eyes darkened as he looked me up and down.
“Fine.”
