“wouldn’t it be nice to live inside a world that isn’t black and white?”—Wonder by Shawn Mendes
Lily
Dear whoever reads this,
they say time heals all wounds…
they were wrong.
It’s been exactly 5840 days and I’m still hurting.
Oh, maybe I should start this off with some more information than that, although I’m sure you are someone close to me, otherwise you wouldn’t have found this book.
I’m Lily Heaven Reyes…and I live in fucking hell.
Not literally, but it feels like it. Which is quite ironic given my middle name.
However, whatever happens after death can’t be much worse than this.
I’ll sure be finding out soon enough.
Too bad I can’t tell you about my experience with death then.
Anyway, this is my goodbye book, I suppose. So please, make sure to send the letters in this book to everyone mentioned. Or burn the whole book. It’s not like I will ever find out if you did.
Is that enough of an introduction?
I only have two more weeks left. Well, that’s as much of the time I grant myself.
I wouldn’t know how much time on earth I have left. And I’m not here to find out. My life will end in two weeks because I decide to.
“Jesus, Lily!” A very angry Winter calls from my room door. She is interrupting my precious time writing my goodbyes.
If only I could be mad at her for it. Winter has been my best friend since freshman year of college. More or less a good one. We happened to be roommates, and as fate takes us, we remained roommates up until senior year. Good thing now is though, we no longer share one room. We have separate ones, with one living space, a shared kitchen and one bathroom. It’s not too bad.
Unfortunately, Winter is a self-centered person. She only cares about herself. And if she does “care” about someone else, it’s only up until she can turn it all about herself again.
“Have you seriously been in bed all day?” she asks, staring at me with wide eyes. My room is dark since I never bothered to open the blinds. And I also never really bothered to get up to get dressed.
“I have.” Not that it’s any of her business. “Is that a problem?”
“You’re twenty years old, a senior in college. You shouldn’t spend all day, especially not all Friday lying in bed,” she tells me. “We’re going to the hockey game in an hour. Our school’s team is playing against Yale!” Winter flips on my ceiling light, causing my eyes to squint close for a moment. Maybe it is darker than I had realized. “You look horrible, Lils.”
“Gee, thanks, Winter.”
When I manage to open my eyes, I am greeted by a pair of blue ones staring back at me. Winter is standing at the foot of my bed, her red hair curled perfectly into beach waves. She even put on makeup. Not that it surprises me. Winter is always ready to get out of the house. Well, or dorms for that matter.
“Please don’t tell me you forgot.” Her eyes are staring right into my soul. It’s unbearable. Seriously, if Winter lays eyes on someone when she’s mad, you’d wish you were dead. But then again, I do wish I was dead. Maybe that’s why I don’t mind it.
I think I can’t judge Winter’s eyes too much, I have always had some kind of hatred for blue eyes. It doesn’t have a reason, I simply never really trusted blue-eyed people as much as I could trust brown-eyed ones. Perhaps it’s because dark eyes are more interesting to me than lighter ones.
Darkness has always been in my life. It sort of makes sense that dark eyes seem more trustworthy to me when all I’ve known my whole life was the dark. The mystery it brings and, as weird as it sounds, it brings me comfort.
“I didn’t forget,” I lie. “I just don’t feel like going anymore.”
Despite my wish to die and my incapability to stay happy for longer than an hour, I love going out. Every now and then, that is.
It’s nothing compared to Winter. She goes out every single day. Not that it’s something bad. And go her for being social.
It’s just not for me. But I do love going out, until my battery runs out and I lose interest in leaving my bed for the next couple of days.
“Then why aren’t you dressed up already? It’s Aaron’s big day! Scouts will be there, and God knows, maybe he will get an offer to go pro after graduation!” She’s way too excited about that.
Though, it’s nice knowing one of Aaron’s ex-girlfriends still truly cares about him. She always has. But I also understand why Aaron got sick of her.
I have no idea what to say.
Winter knows I struggle with depression, but she doesn’t know how deep it goes. She thinks I take some medication that plasters a smile onto my face and makes me happy again and that’s about it.
“I just lost track of time. But I will get ready right now.”
Winter nods in approval and leaves my room.
I will continue this later. Winter urges me to go to a hockey game.
I love hockey though, so that is fine.
Lily
As promised—kind of—I force myself off my comfortable bed and walk over to my dresser. It’s all I could fit into this tiny room with a bed and a desk.
I quickly grab a pair of blue jeans, a white, long-sleeved blouse and a beige sweater vest.
After changing into something more suitable for a hockey game, I walk over to my desk and take a seat. Since Winter is taking way too long in the bathroom each morning, I converted my desk into a half makeup table and half college-work table.
Another good thing, I don’t have to leave my room if I ever get ready.
I quickly cover up my dark circles under my eyes and add some concealer onto areas that need covering. I don’t usually work with foundation, because I have no idea how not to make it look cakey.
At last, I’m adding some mascara and I’m ready to go.
I don’t want to leave my bedroom, but I don’t have much of a choice. If I don’t go to this game, Winter will never forgive me. And neither will Aaron.
“Look at you!” Her mouth stands wide open as her eyes scan my body. “You’re so beautiful!”
I know she is lying. Winter made it her own personal job to always tell me I’m beautiful, ever since she knows I’m depressed. It’s like she thinks I believe I’m too ugly for this world.
I’m fully aware that I am not. I am depressed, not insecure about my facial features.
From our friend Mia, I know that Winter secretly thinks I look dead ninety per cent of the time she sees me. Which is why I hate Winter’s pity compliments.
“Thank you,” I say and give her a small smile. It’s a fake smile.
I usually fake a lot of smiles around campus all day so nobody would ask if I were okay.
“I do hope I get to go down on Aaron again. Jesus, I miss him so much, Lils.” I cringe at her statement. But she is my best friend, so I guess I have to listen to her boys-talk.
“I’m sure he would let you in a heartbeat.”
“Don’t know. He’s been pretty cold with me today, and he refuses to talk about it.” Her usual happiness darkens the room so suddenly. I hate when she is upset, takes me down right with her.
“Well, you two are separated. Maybe he just doesn’t feel like talking to his ex about possible struggles,” I remind her. Just that this reminder reminds me of something: Aaron has just as much of a shitty day as I do.
She lets out a long sigh as she walks up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck.
“I just wished I could help him through his heartbreak,” she cries out in a thick voice.
Somebody have mercy on me, please. I can’t deal with tears. Not with my own. Not with anyone else’s.
“His parents split up, and according to him, they’re still fighting over it.”
“It’s not that unusual that parents split up, you know.”
“I know, Lils. Your parents are separated as well, and they do fight too. But it’s Aaron we’re talking about. He is perfect. His life should be perfect as well.” I roll my eyes. Luckily, she can’t see it because we’re still hugging.
For a short moment I want to remind Winter that life sucks and everyone’s problems matter. But to Winter, there are differences. She doesn’t want to see that no matter how deep the water someone is drowning in is, drowning stays drowning.
To Winter it has steps, and if someone has “bigger” problems than the other, the one with less severe problems shouldn’t whine about it. Not in front of the other person at least.
But then, Winter does speak to me about her boy problems. More specifically, Aaron problems. The ones I don’t want to hear of.
“We should get going. I don’t want to miss a second of Aaron’s sweet ass.” I make a gaging sound right after those words leave her mouth. And she laughs. “Ah, maybe we’ll even see Colin. I’ll make sure to set you up for a date with him. He’s ridiculously hot, not as hot as Aaron, obviously. But he’s single, inked and is just as dark-humored as you are.”
Dark-humored. I am a depressed being, making jokes about my death to cope. Maybe they’re not too much of jokes since I actually do want to die.
Her arms leave my body, and she immediately walks over to our coatrack, getting her and my jacket for tonight. Clearly, we’re in need of one. Not because it’s the end of September, but because ice rinks are cold, unless you’re the one on the ice.
For some reasons, the cold just disappears when you’re on it. Probably because of the movements. No, definitely because of movements.
Actually, I have no idea why that is. I’m not much of a physics girl. I don’t understand most of it, so I ignore it.
Back when I used to skate still, I was never cold, which is how I know movement keeps warm on the ice.
Now I don’t skate anymore. Not because of college and all the assignments, but because I lost my motivation to do what I loved doing.
