“so go and break up my relationships and break my fucking heart”—PLEASEXANNY by Chase Atlantic
Colin
“You’re not coming inside?” Lily asks as I walk her to her dorm. I just stand by her door, watching her as she steps inside, not even attempting to follow her in.
This is giving me a really bad feeling of déjà vu.
I shake my head. I can’t go inside. If I do, I’m not sure I will be able to control myself for much longer.
Today has been such a fun day. Tasting a million coffees doesn’t sound like too much fun, but it sure is.
Lily and I even ended up declaring that Retro Diner as our new favorite. It may be half an hour away from campus, but their burgers are totally worth it.
We were supposed to find the best coffee in the city. And we did. Lily and I didn’t even need to drive around to find a better one. We both knew the coffee we shared at the diner was a total winner.
Okay, maybe the burger was what convinced me to vote for it, doesn’t mean the coffee was bad. The Retro Diner has a great coffee. It’s not watery, not too strong either. It’s perfect. So are the burgers.
And besides, it looks pretty damn cool. Not only does it make you feel like you’re stuck in a time machine. Or as Lily phrased it “makes you feel like you’re in a Hollywood teen romance movie,” it is freaking awesome.
I don’t think I will ever be able to go there without taking Lily with me. This is what “having a spot” means, right? A place you share a really great memory with someone else with.
If so, then this is totally it.
I wonder if Lily will write about it in her journal. Never mind, she only writes about her bad emotions and why she wants to die. Why she will die, apparently.
Lily still insists on me saying “when you will die.” She refuses to let me get through to her. But then again, I know nothing about dealing with suicidal thoughts, nor depression. Maybe this is just what comes with it.
Anyway, after we left the diner, I convinced Lily to come back home with me. I promised to let my friends try the coffees after all, so they wouldn’t go to waste. And much to our amusement, I didn’t tell any of them I spit in most of them.
They were cold, so even less drinkable than before.
Lily went nuts with laughter when Aaron took a sip from my least favorite coffee. The very one I spit into not once, but twice. Had to get the taste out of my mouth somehow.
When he said, “It’s not even that bad,” even I lost it. Not going to lie, hearing your spit tastes “not even that bad” is a real ego boost.
“Why not?” Lily sounds disappointed.
“I will regret it.” I slide my hands into the pockets of my jeans, slightly lifting my shoulders before I let them drop down.
She cocks an eyebrow at me, not understanding.
I hate this. I hate that I can’t just walk up to her like; “Hey, let’s fuck” as I would with any other girl at a party. If I do this with Lily, not only would she throw me out of the window, so would Aaron.
But that’s not even what scares me. What scares me is her reaction, how she will act the next few days. I’m afraid things would get weird.
I can’t help my groan as I try to come up with a great reason. “Lilybug.” I run my hands through my hair, tugging at the ends of it, frustration streaming through my system.
“Have I done something?” Concern sweeps through her voice like wind sweeps through the air.
“It’s what I haven’t done,” I answer, only confusing her more.
“What haven’t you done?”
“Aaron warned me.” My voice is soft and euphoric, yet I sound tired, uncomfortable. Even I can hear it. “I shouldn’t have gotten so close to you.”
“Why not?”
Maybe I should be straight forward with her. It’s so early in our friendship, but I also can’t lose time. Our days are numbered, at least until she comes to her senses.
“Because now I can’t stop thinking about your lips.” I storm past Lily, walking inside her living room. I grab onto her wrist on my way in, pulling her after me.
I have never felt like this before. I have never been frustrated because I wanted a girl, and yet here I am. Lily being the only person running through my mind, especially in times when she shouldn’t.
We’re entering her room. I practically push her inside, locking the door when I follow her in.
I try to breathe like a normal person. Try to control my urge to jump her, press my lips to hers and kiss the hell out of this woman.
“Are you okay?” Her sweet voice streams through my ears like classical music, flowing, easing my nerves.
I don’t answer. I don’t even react at all. All I do is stand, with my back pressed against her closed door, inhaling deep breaths, exhaling even deeper, longer.
I can’t fucking do this anymore.
And then she steps closer. With every step she takes I feel like the air is getting thinner. I can’t fucking breathe.
“Take one more step toward me and I will have to pinch you up against the door.”
She freezes. “Colin, what the hell is happening?” She demands an answer I cannot provide her with, sounding louder and austere.
My behavior is freaking her out and I can’t even blame her. I would be freaked out as well.
Uneasiness rises inside of me. God, she is so beautiful. How have I never seen her before? We’ve shared some classes for years. How have I never laid eyes on her?
She takes another step closer, clearly ignoring my warning from just a second ago.
“Lily, I mean it.”
“So pinch me against the goddamn door. As long as you’re talking to me, I will take it.” She comes closer to me, making it even harder to breathe.
“Tell me something depressing,” I beg. “Talk about your death.”
Lily snorts a laugh, coming to a hold right in front of me. Her head tilts back enough so her eyes can meet mine. The hope and amusement in her green eyes have me melt on the spot.
“You think it’s depressing that I want to die?” Then she corrects herself, “That I will die next week.”
“How could I not?”
Her hands come in contact with my chest, blood rushing right to my groin. Summoning a slight gasp from me as her hands stroke deeper down, her fingers keeping track of ever curve of my muscles.
“Then how come you want to talk about it now?”
I look up at the ceiling, not being able to look into her eyes any longer. She’s got me trapped, and she knows she does. The grin on her lips gives it away.
I try not to concentrate on her hands that are skimming over my abdomen, finding their way to the hem of my shirt before slipping right underneath. Her skin on mine makes this room appear so much hotter than it is.
Fuck this. I am in hell. This is fucking torture.
“Now, would you look at me, Colin?”
I can’t. There is no way I won’t just slam my lips right onto hers when I look back into those breathtaking green eyes.
Ever since that accidental kiss in the arena, her lips are all I can think about. It’s never been like this for me. I’ve kissed tons of girls before, and never had one stupid, accidental kiss make me feel… desperate.
Just breathe, Colin.
“No?” Amusement dances on her tongue. “Would you just kiss me already?”
My head falls, eyes landing on hers, my breath officially taken away from me.
Did she just say what I think she did?
Lily is biting her lip, smiling softly.
I swear, she wants me dead.
“I can’t.”
Disappointment draws over her face.
“I will go way beyond kissing.”
“Is that a challenge?”
Nope, I’m done for.
I grab onto one of her wrists, pulling her hand out from underneath my shirt and place it down right over the bulge in my pants.
She sucks in a sharp breath but doesn’t withdraw her hand. Instead, Lily moves her fingers, adding just a slight amount of pressure as she rubs over my hardening—covered—erection.
She smirks up at me knowingly, moving her hands closer to the button of my pants.
“Unbutton my pants and I will no longer keep up the nice guy. Because I will have to fuck you disrespectfully,” I warn.
“You can’t even kiss me, Colin.”
I firmly grip her nape with one hand, pushing her hips against my body with the other.
My lips cover hers, proving her wrong.
Her hands are warm when they press against my abdomen, once again discovering every inch of my abs. My heart beats rapidly, not wanting to realize this is happening. But it is happening.
I take control of the kiss, deepening it by pressing her just a bit closer to me, if that is even possible.
My tongue darts across my lips, dipping inside her mouth as I taste her. She tastes like coffee and pomegranate, her chap stick flavor, I assume. And so much like Lily.
I love the taste of Lily now. I could only ever downgrade from it. No one could ever measure up to her ever again, now that I got a taste of heaven.
Pulling away, I push her back just enough to bring space between us. Enough space that’ll keep me from doing worse, from going further than this.
Even this is a step too far. Kissing Lily, I mean. Her lips are off-limits, as so is her body. She is off-limits.
God dammit, she wants to die. She’s not planning some vacation for a short while. No, she wants to be dead.
I cannot get anywhere near more people with one foot in a grave. I’ve had plenty of those in my life.
And yet…
Lily grabs onto the chain around my neck, pulling me close to her. Her lips gaze mine, never quite connecting our lips.
Honestly, fuck it. One night won’t hurt.
“You make it so hard to breathe,” I whisper. I don’t let her speak and just press my mouth back against her soft lips. Her tongue brushing mine as I claim her.
She moans into my mouth, enjoying this as much as I do. I hope.
I slide my hands down her body until my they reach her wrists. Taking them in mine, I turn us around, pressing Lily’s back against the door. I pinch her hands up over her head with one hand, using my other to hold onto her waist.
“You taste so good, you know that?” I say close to her ear. My tongue comes into contact with her skin, trailing wet kisses all down her neck, sucking and biting on the tender skin until light red spots appear. Not dark enough to leave marks by the end of this.
Except for one or two maybe.
Her mouth opens slightly, eyes only half-opened.
“Colin,” she says in a breath, arching her back away from the door as I press my erection into her stomach.
Deep down in my head, I know this is wrong. I know we shouldn’t do this. We shouldn’t cross the invisible line that neither of us ever really drew.
But for my own sanity, I need to pull away.
“Lily, we can’t,” I speak, my voice hoarse and I bet I sound out of breath. “I can’t do this.”
“Colin, make a decision. We can either do this or watch a movie.” She looks at me with disappointment, though I guess she understands my hesitation.
No, I believe Lily is thinking this is about her, that I don’t find her attractive or something like that. But the truth is, I’m more afraid of myself if I go too far with her.
I’ve never feared going too fast or too far. I’ve never feared sleeping with someone. But I fear sleeping with Lily.
I know myself, and I know I’ve never been more attached to someone like I am to Lily. I know her for less than a week and I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t let this happen, because otherwise, I might never get her out of my system.
And if she does die, by then I will be so attached to her that it will rip my heart out and I’ll die with her.
“Please,” she begs, “make a decision.”
Please, someone cut my head off with a Guillotine.
I slide a hand down my face, blowing out one quick breath.
Attaching my lips back to her skin, I kiss my way up her neck, over her jaw, right back to her lips.
Releasing Lily’s hands, I pick her up. She immediately wraps her legs around my hips, her arms swinging around my neck.
“You sure you want this?” I ask, pulling away from her lips for a second.
“Whatever happened to disrespect?” Yeah, that I don’t think it’s going to happen.
“A guy can fuck you in all sorts of ways, and still make sure you actually want it.”
“I want to see those ‘all sorts of ways,’” she says, smirking.
“We might need a repetition then.” I carry Lily over to her bed, setting her down onto her feet.
“Who said this will be a one-time thing?” Fuck me.
Sliding down Lily’s leggings, she steps out of them, pushing me onto the bed. She sits down on my lap, cupping my face as she forces her lips back to mine, kissing me passionately, her tongue tasting mine. She is revealing a new side of possessiveness to me I never thought she would have.
Her hands roaming over my body like she is examining me. Now discovering every inch of muscle and skin I have to offer with hot freaking touches that send bolts of electricity down to my cock.
As her hands travel down to my pants and she’s about to undo them, I have to stop her. Not because I don’t want her hands on my dick, but because I fear losing myself way too quickly when she does.
For some reasons her hands are affecting me more than anyone’s ever could. Just a soft and tiny touch of Lily’s and I’m a goner.
I grab onto the hem of her—or more like my—jersey, pulling it over her head in a swift move.
“Aw, fuck.” I move my lips over her hot skin, kissing up her cleavage, over her collarbones back to her lips.
I found a new addiction for my lips. That being: attached to hers.
Her fingers are clinging to the material of my shirt, tugging on it as she pulls it over my head, throwing it across the room. She takes a moment to look at me, skimming over my upper body like she’d never seen it before.
“I think you need to work out a bit more.” She traces the tips of her fingers down my chest, stopping at my abdomen. “Wouldn’t want my new sex-buddy having less abs than my brother.”
She’s joking, I know she is.
“Jesus, can we not talk about Aaron right now?” I laugh.
“Only because you’ve asked so nicely.” She beams at me, placing her hands back onto my jawline as she kisses me.
My hands reach behind her, unhooking her bra. Sliding the straps down her arms. I curse out once again. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful.”
Her cheeks flush. I already figured out that she doesn’t take compliments very well, but fuck it, I will compliment the hell out of this woman.
Because. Lily. Is. Fucking. Gorgeous.
“Quit the admiration. You promised disrespect.”
“Reyes, for fuck’s sake.” I stroke the pads of my thumbs over her nipples, feeling as they harden a tad more. “Fuck the disrespect. You’re too breathtaking.”
Lily places her hands on top of mine, laying them down right onto her breasts, giving them a squeeze with my hands.
Hint taken.
I let my hands skim over her breasts, squeezing them, rolling her nipples between my fingers, hearing a few whimpers coming from Lily.
“Absolutely stunning,” I whisper, kissing down her body until my mouth covers one of her nipples. My tongue darts out, softly gliding across the hardened nub. She lets out a moan, hands tugging firmly onto my hair.
I know this shouldn’t happen because this is totally going to complicate the next six days.
