“but listen, pretty lady, you don’t have to be alone”—Baby Don’t Cut by Bmike
Lily
After spending the next two hours in Eira’s room, Colin decides that we’re no longer going out tonight. Which is fortunate because I don’t really feel like going on any more adventures today anyway.
I’ve already been at the arena watching a hockey game today. And now I spent most of my energy socializing with Colin’s younger sister.
I’m drained. Even if I wanted to go roller skating tonight, I wouldn’t have the energy for it. So I’m glad he called it off.
Eira went to sleep, or more like fell asleep mid talking. I already thought she didn’t look too well last night but seeing her now—in person—she still doesn’t look better. If I had to judge, she looks even sicker now.
Reece, Colin’s three years old brother is currently waiting for Colin to read him a goodnight story. It’s already 10 p.m. and Reece was supposed to be asleep hours ago, but as toddlers are sometimes, he was way too energetic to fall asleep. And now that he finally grows tired, Mrs. Carter asked Colin to read him a story.
While I wait for Colin to come back to his bedroom, I continue to write in my journal. It’s nothing too spectacular anymore. All I manage to talk about is how my day has been and how tired I am now.
And then I suppress the urge to babble about Colin. Recently he’s the only thing I can think about writing. I always start off by writing about how I feel, and then I drift off to my day and end up with how amazing Colin is. Which irks me. A lot.
I don’t want to find Colin amazing.
He sure is a great guy. And the more I get to know him, the more he’s growing on me. But I don’t want him to grow on me. Even worse, I’m afraid I’m growing on him.
Colin has been looking at me all evening long. Not the same way he used to. He has never looked at me like I was some broken glass that needed some extra strong glue to be put back together. But he also never looked at me like he was…I don’t know, getting used to me being in his life? The scary and exciting kind of being in someone’s life. The one that fills your chest with heat and fears loss because it would end in a heartbreak.
Or maybe that’s just me and I’m overanalyzing again.
The door to Colin’s bedroom opens hastily. “Come with me,” he speaks without even stepping inside of the room. I jump off the bed—not even questioning his command—and follow Colin through the mansion. He leads me to the top floor, right outside to the balcony. From there, Colin lifts me off the ground and tells me to get on the roof. Once again, I don’t question him and do as he says.
Moments later, Colin and I are both on the roof of the building, sitting on the slope as we’re watching the stars.
We’re sitting in silence, feeling the cold night air brush over our skins. Or at least it’s cold for me. I am freezing. Colin doesn’t seem to mind the cold.
Would have been nice if he told me where we were going so I could have brought another jacket with me. I am wearing a thin jacket, but if I had known we’d be sitting on the roof, I would have stolen one of Colin’s thicker ones.
As I begin to curse Colin out in my head for having me freeze, he suddenly lays a jacket over my shoulders. The one he has been wearing this whole time.
“Thank you,” I say in a soft tone, no longer feeling the desire to cuss him out.
“Lilybug, can I ask you something?” I just shrug. “Why have you been wearing your jacket all day long?”
“Cause I’m cold,” I lie. Though, right now it’s not a lie. I am freezing.
“All day long?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t believe you.” His eyes bore into mine intensely. It’s intimidating. “Tell me the truth.”
I remain quiet. Colin might be the only person in my life knowing about my wish to die, but there is no reason for him to care about any of my other problems.
“Lily, there’s no reason for you to lie to me,” he says, his eyes still locked with mine. “When did you do it?”
“What?”
“Don’t play dumb, Lily.” I have recently discovered that I hate it when Colin calls me Lily. Not only have I gotten used to my new nickname, but whenever he calls me Lily, it’s more of a warning, sign of strictness and seriousness.
I hate it.
Taking a deep breath, I sigh in defeat. “After you left. It’s not what you think, though.”
Colin grabs my hand in his. Starting at my wrist, he slowly works his way up, pressing the tips of his fingers against every inch of clothed skin. Until he presses one wrong spot, right on the back of my arm. The very spot that has me wince in pain as he presses into it.
He watches my face, analyses every reaction, every bit of pain that displays on my face as he presses against it again to make sure this wasn’t just a one-time reaction.
“Cold, my ass,” he mutters almost inaudibly, dropping my arm. “Cut or burn?”
“Does it matter?” He nods just once, continuing to look at me madly. “Burn.”
He sighs, bobbing his head lightly as he processes what I said. Or he tries to come up with words to say. I wouldn’t know what is going on inside of his head.
“Why?” is the only thing he questions. I was prepared to be yelled at, not asked for a reason why.
“I didn’t know what to do, Colin.” I was frustrated when he left, and I don’t even know why. Colin had every right to leave after what we did. He wasn’t obligated to stay all night, especially not since we’re supposed to be nothing but friends. So, why is a good question.
“Okay,” he says breathy. “Here’s what we’re going to do.”
Colin reaches into the pocket of his jacket that is still lying over my shoulders, pulling out a lighter. He hands it to me, not even giving me a second to question him before he begins to speak again. “Whenever you feel the urge to hurt yourself, you’re going to call me.”
“What?”
Colin holds his hand up, stopping me from speaking. “You’re going to call me, and I will be right there.” He inhales deeply, shakily. It’s like he has no idea what to do. Like the thought of me hurting myself truly doesn’t sit right with him at all. “You’re going to hold that lighter to my arm, not yours. You’re going to burn my skin instead of your own.”
“Colin”—fear takes over me—“I’m not going to hurt you.”
“You will,” he says, grabbing my hand in his. He flicks on the lighter using my fingers and holding it close to his skin. Not close enough to burn him yet though. “You can have a death wish all you want, but if you’re going to hurt yourself, you’ll hurt me too.”
“I can’t.” Tears begin to build up in my eyes, slowly rolling down my cheeks.
“You’ll hurt me either way. Might as well use my body for it right from the start.”
“I couldn’t do this to you, Colin,” I cry. “I couldn’t hurt you like that.”
And that’s when I realize.
His words linger in my head, repeating in a loop. You’ll hurt me either way. I am hurting him. Right this second. Right in this moment. I’m causing pain over the guy that had done nothing but provide me with happiness.
It’s been four days. Four silly days and he’s done nothing but bring light into my life.
And here I am hurting the guy that tries to be my savior.
I shouldn’t have agreed to these nine days. I shouldn’t have let him into my life. I shouldn’t have allowed this to happen.
God, I am so stupid. How could I have done this?
How could I do this to him?
Colin is the only person to ever truly care about me, and I messed it up. I am hurting him.
“How can you say this, Colin?” I ask through tears. “Why do you do this to yourself?”
I pull my hand away from his, letting the lighter drop on the roof. Luckily, it’s not one of those that keep the flame lit even when no one is pushing the button anymore.
His hands gently caress my jawline, thumbs stroking along the skin beneath my eyes, removing the salty tears. “I’m not doing anything to myself, Lily.”
“You’re here with me. You’re putting yourself through hell to save me. It’s only going to destroy you.”
“So let it destroy me.”
“No.” I try to slide down the slope, wanting nothing more but to go to sleep and forget this awful encounter.
It’s a coping mechanism I’ve evolved throughout the years. Whenever I want to avoid something, I go to sleep. It started when my mother began to drink. When she came home from bars late at night, barely able to make it up the stairs without passing out on them. When she was drunk throughout the days too, yelling at me for not cleaning up after her.
But I can’t do it now. Colin is holding onto my body, not letting me move an inch.
“I want nothing more but for you to experience less pain. I don’t need you to be one hundred per cent happy. No one ever is. You’re already living with so much pain, one that I will never understand. But I can make sure you’re not adding more to it.” He sounds sincere, like he actually means what he says. And I can’t help but want that as well.
Colin makes everything sound easy. He makes life sound exciting. But I’ve seen the ugly part of life. I know that no matter how good something sounds, there is always an ugly side. A side that’s not worth staying for the pretty one.
His hands are back on my face, cupping it, forcing our eyes to stay on the other’s. “I have five days left. You’ll be staying those days with me.”
“I’m not.”
“You are. You’ll be staying with me and Aaron. They all agreed on it already. Well, Aaron said he would only agree if you stayed in his bedroom and not mine.”
“They all?”
“Excuse me? You think I would get around moving a pretty girl into my house without asking my roommates—that aren’t my roommates—for permission?”
For the first time in felt like way too long now, I chuckle. Chuckling or laughing around Colin is almost a habit. He always manages to make me smile. So when I haven’t been laughing since we stepped onto this roof, I began to miss it.
When did I start to miss laughing?
“I won’t share a bedroom with my brother.”
“Don’t worry, I kicked him out.”
“You did what!?” I ask a little too loudly. I’m sure Colin’s parents could hear it down on the patio.
“I’m kidding,” he says. “I told him that I’m old enough to have my girlfriend spend the night in my bed.”
“I’m not your girlfriend.”
“But Aaron doesn’t know that. And now all we have to do is make sure he won’t find out.”
“Grey knows,” I let him know. “I bet he can sense it.”
Colin groans, making me laugh. “He sure can.” Another groan follows. “But Grey knows how to keep his mouth shut. How would you know Grey ‘can sense it’ anyway?”
“He seems like a smart guy.” I lift my shoulders, shrugging. I have never really had one conversation with Grey. Except for the one at the cafeteria two days ago. “And even if he can’t, I’m sure Izan knows and told him.”
“Who is Izan?”
“Grey’s boyfriend?” I draw my brows together, not wanting to believe that Colin doesn’t know about this. “He’s the captain of the soccer team?”
Colin blinks hastily at me. “No way.”
“Yes way.”
“How do you know that?”
“Izan told me.” Colin’s expression falls, I’m not quite sure why.
“You do have quite the number of friends for someone who supposedly hates being around people.”
“Believe it or not, I used to have a way better best friend than Winter,” I tell him. “Sofia and I were inseparable. Though, perhaps not enough because after she moved away, we weren’t able to stay in touch.”
“Who’s Sofia?” A little fold appears between his eyebrows.
I smile at the memory of her. “We used to skate together all the time. We were partners. Up until we were eight. After that, she had to move away as her father had to move for work. We tried to stay in touch for like a month or two, but at the age of eight, you don’t really have the attention span or many possibilities to stay in touch with someone that’s six hours before your time.”
Colin bobs his head. “I’m sorry you had to lose her.”
“Besides, I don’t hate being around people.” I shrug, choosing to avoid talking about Sofia. Even after all this time, talking about her makes me want to cry. “I just have this social battery thing going. I can only ever spend so much time around other human beings until my battery runs out. And then I need time to recharge.”
“Well, you need a better charger then, because we will be going out tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that.”
“And apparently I will be living with two guys for the next five days.”
“One of which is your brother.” Colin taps my nose with his index finger. “And I have awesome plans. Like…annoy the hell out of him.”
“How?”
“Easy. I just fuck you in the kitchen.”
“No.” Though, it might be exciting. “We can’t do this again, Colin.”
“¡Colin, deja de ser raro!” A voice, sounding so much like Eira’s, just with a far stronger accent, yells from the patio beneath us.
“Let me have a private conversation with Lily, thank you!”
How much of this conversation did his parents hear?
“Did you tell them about…” I trail off, not wanting to continue in case they could hear me.
“No.” He shakes his head before lying down on the roof, only propping his head up with his hands. “Lie down, Lilybug.”
I have to be honest. Lying on a rooftop has never been on my bucket list. And this truly can’t be hygienic, but I’ve already been sitting here for almost two hours, might as well lie down then.
“Lilybug?” he speaks softly, calmly. “You know it’s never too late to ask for help, right?”
I let out a deep breath, one that says I’ve been holding my breath for a little too long.
“I don’t want help, Colin. I want my pain to go away. I want nothing more but to never have to feel the way I do ever again.”
“And you think committing suicide is just going to have it go away?” It’s a relatively stupid question.
“I wouldn’t know. But it’s better than to stay alive and never find peace,” I admit.
His head turns, he’s now facing me and no longer the sky. “Explain it to me.”
“Explain what exactly?”
“How do you come to that decision? Wanting to die, I mean. There are so many other options, yet you choose to go with death. Help me understand why.”
Another wave of air escapes my lungs in a hurry. “Okay.” My voice is quiet, low. “Do you remember as a little kid, when the TV wasn’t playing a show or anything at all. It only had this logo move from side to side and you were desperately waiting for it to hit the corner?” He nods.
“You were getting so frustrated when it took a little too long to reach the corner,” I say. How am I going to explain this properly, enough to make him understand? But at least Colin doesn’t seem like he’s confused. In fact, Colin looks like he’s truly trying to understand.
So I continue. “Now imagine being that logo. Imagine you wanting to hit a corner, that corner being relief, happiness, no more having to feel the pain from hurtful words, from betraying, separation and more. It might take a while to get there, right?” He nods again. “But what if you never get there? Imagine you’re spending all day watching that one logo move to reach one of those four corners and not once does it hit one. It’s frustrating. And you’ve only been watching for one day. Now try watching it for years on end, and it never once hits the spot. The frustration never stops, it grows and gets more with every passing day it doesn’t reach its target. Eventually you’re going to give up on expecting it to happen. You grow tired of it. You stop hoping, you stop wanting it because you give up. It’s not happening.”
“That’s what my life feels like, Colin. I’ve been waiting to hit the corner for years, it never happened. Not even one time. I give up.”
Colin starts to point up to the sky, and speaks in a soft voice, “Those look like a giraffe eating a lion.” He’s changing the topic.
“What the hell?” I don’t see it. How could I? There are way too many stars to make out which ones Colin has put together in order to get a giraffe eating a lion.
“No, seriously. Just look close enough.” Colin pulls me closer to him until my head is only a fist away from his.
With a swift move, Colin rolls me on top of him, my front pressing to his.
“Can’t see the stars when I’m facing you instead of the sky.”
“No need to look at the stars when you can look at the sun,” he says, offering me a smug smile. I knew this guy was in love with himself, but God, someone scratch at the surface of his ego just a tiny bit, please.
“You know, I knew Aaron had another sister, other than Ana.” Oh okay, he’s trying his hardest to stay away from more death-talk. “No one ever mentioned your name. All I got as information about where you were was ‘at some college,’” he says. “And they told me you were like two years younger.”
“More like two minutes,” I mutter.
“They also said you had brown hair and blue eyes.”
“Now, that’s just rude. They know I hate blue eyes.”
“I have blue eyes.”
“Yeah, and I hate them,” I lie. Somewhere along the way I somehow found comfort in Colin’s eyes, even though they’re light blue.
Colin chuckles at my unreasonable hatred for blue eyes. It is unreasonable, I know that, so I don’t mind him laughing about it.
We spend a fair amount of time just looking into the other’s eyes, not speaking, not even exchanging one single word.
Until a question pops up in my head.
“Colin?” He tips his head up. “Why do you call me Lilybug?”
A small grin creeps up on his lips. Colin’s arms close around my waist in a hug, even though we’re still lying on the roof.
“You know the meaning of ladybugs? Good fortune, true love, innocence…needing to make the right choices in life.”
I know of the first three meanings. Never have I heard of the last one.
“It’s said that when you encounter a ladybug something positive is about to happen. It’s supposed to resemble that even the gloomiest days will be brightened. And well, your name is Lily. The lily is a beautiful flower with yet another deep meaning. Mix that with ladybug and what do we get? Lilybug.”
I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to make of that.
Thankfully I don’t get to speak because Colin checks the time on his phone, smiling.
“Happy Birthday, Lilybug.”
Before I could thank him, he presses his lips to mine, allowing the unwanted butterflies in my stomach to awaken. Again.
