“there’s just too much that time cannot erase”—My Immortal by Evanescence
Lily
“Fuck!” I curse under my breath. I can’t believe I forgot my notebook at the arena. I must have left it on the seat when I put it as far away from Colin Carter as only possible.
I have looked through my entire room already. It’s not here. And it’s not in the living room either. Because it’s at the hockey arena. This can’t be happening. To hell with my goodbye book.
It’s only a matter of time before the school’s counselor comes marching in here, making me see yet another shrink. Or worse, sends me off to a mental hospital. Can he do that? I mean, he’s just a school counselor after all, and I am twenty years old. I have a say in what’s happening to me, right?
My phone chimes. I’m not up for company right now.
Aaron: You forgot your notebook. Why the hell did you take a notebook with you to a hockey game?
Oh God. Of course. I should have known Colin wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut. Does Aaron know what I wrote inside? No, he would have called me, stopped by personally only to push me off a building himself.
Lily: Homework. Do you have it?
I couldn’t possibly tell him the truth, right? I’m praying he won’t open the notebook and read it. God, he would actually tell my dad. Or worse, call the counselor and get me into a mental hospital. Dang it.
Aaron: Carter has it. What’s going on between the two of you anyway?
Lily: Nothing, Ron. We just talked for a moment, then I left. Forgot the book, apparently.
Aaron: Mkay. You up for a coffee? We should really catch up. I don’t have the notebook, but maybe I can get Colin to tag along.
I consider it for a second. But Colin most definitely looked inside. He even asked me about what I was writing before, no way he didn’t look into it when he got the chance to. Which means, if he comes, Aaron will find out.
Though, why would Colin even care what I wrote about? He doesn’t know me. He shouldn’t put his nose into my business.
Lily: Coffee sounds good. Colin not so much. Just take the notebook with you, will you? And don’t look inside, please. It’s private.
Maybe telling the only guy that ever truly cared about you not to look into something private is the wrong thing to say. But I know for sure Aaron would not invalidate my privacy unless it’s one hundred per cent necessary.
If he’s smart enough, he will look inside. It wouldn’t change anything about the way I feel about life, but it could potentially force me to stay alive a bit longer.
Aaron: Kk. Meet me at Claire’s in ten.
Claire’s is the only place he should not have chosen. It’s always crowded with tons of college students. Granted, it’s the only coffee shop close to campus. There are a few up in the city, but why would anyone go there when Claire’s is literally a five-minute walk from campus?
I didn’t plan on leaving my room again for today, but I guess meeting up with Aaron won’t be too bad. I always loved catching up with him. And I always have a good time whenever we’re together. It’s like I forget all my pain for a moment. He makes me happy, so why wouldn’t I grab a coffee with him?
Okay, maybe Winter wouldn’t like knowing I meet up with her on-off boyfriend. But she doesn’t know half the truth, so I don’t really care.
Aaron is late, as always. But I can’t blame him. I’m not sure if he is still at the arena or went home. If he did go home, it will take him at least fifteen minutes alone to drive down here. Not sure why he wanted to meet up at Claire’s then.
He lives on a college student street. Well, it’s not really a street for college students, other people used to live there too. But with every year the overpriced houses were rented out to college students. Eventually the families got tired of the noises, the constant parties and fights, and moved away.
“Can I get you anything, Lily?” Mia, a good friend of mine asks.
“Yes, uh, could I get a Chai Latte and a black coffee, please?”
“Coming right up.” Mia writes down my order, gives me a smile before walking away.
Good thing I know Aaron’s order by heart. Literally anywhere. I know what he will order, even if we have never been there before. It’s not only coffee shops. It’s any Café or restaurant we go to.
“I am so sorry, Lily. Carter refused to give me the notebook, so I had to fight for it.” Aaron sounds out of breath. He takes a seat across from me and slides the notebook over the table. “I’ve got it anyway.”
“Thank you, Ron.” I take the notebook and slip it into my purse. “You didn’t read it, did you?”
“What? You think I want to read about your sex fantasies? No thanks.”
Relief instantly sweeps through my body. I give Aaron a weak smile, but eventually this weak smile turns into a genuine one. I don’t know how he does that, but just his presence makes me feel so much lighter, so much happier.
“How are you, Lils?”
“Stressed, I think. You know, tons of assignments and stuff.” I allow a chuckle to cross my lips. I don’t feel like talking about me, I never do. So I need to change the topic. Fortunately for me, Aaron loves talking about himself. “Oh, Winter mentioned scouts watching you today.”
“Yeah.” At first, he tries to hold back his smile. But I know Aaron too well. I can read him like an open book, and he knows it. The corners of his mouth twitch, and soon enough he is grinning like a toddler. “I’m not supposed to talk about it, but I got an offer from the New York Rangers.” He sighs. “Nothing too official yet cause…well, NHL rules and such but…”
“Seriously?!” I’m so proud of him. He worked so hard for this, almost all his life. “That’s huge!” I say excitedly.
“I suppose.”
“Quit the modesty, Ron.” He laughs and shakes his head at me. “You’re never modest about anything. Then this happens and suddenly you don’t want to rub it in my face?”
“It doesn’t feel the same anymore.” What?
“What do you mean?”
Before he can elaborate, Mia is back with our drinks. She sets them down at the table and glances at me with jealously. Yeah, jealousy. I know that look on her face. On any face, actually.
I’m surprised Mia is jealous. She usually stays as far away from any jock as humanly possible.
Aaron isn’t bad looking. His blonde hair and green eyes are really pretty, along with the freckles that decorate his face, some would say he is an 11/10.
I, however, never fell and never will fall under his spell. For obvious reasons.
Mia turns on her heel and leaves as fast as she came.
“Skating just doesn’t feel the same anymore when you don’t do it with me.” Here we go again.
I used to skate a lot. I was a figure skater, even did competitions. I loved it more than anything. Aaron and I used to meet up every Sunday to race one another. I have always been faster than him, and I can do more tricks than he can. It was refreshing, playfully competing with the guy you wish nothing but the best for.
For most of my life, I was excited to meet him Sundays. I loved our skate-dates. Though, they were never dates, and it is kind of weird that I refer to them as such. They’re not dates. Never were.
Eventually my depression got the better of me and I gave up on skating. I made up excuses to Aaron as to why I couldn’t show up. I never told him the real reason. I know he would have understood, he would have dropped everything to be with me and make me feel better, but I didn’t want him feeling bad for me.
So I lied. Told him mom wouldn’t allow me skating anymore. She was too afraid I could get seriously injured and die. He didn’t question it one bit.
“Aaron,” I say quietly. I hate that he’s affecting my own feelings this much, by being upset only.
He feels bad because skating was both of our passion since forever. Skating was an escape to me, until it wasn’t. “You know mom wouldn’t be happy to know I started again.”
“I can’t believe she would do that to you. I mean, she knows how much skating means to you. She knows how much you love it.” And now I feel guilty. I hate lying to him. But I can’t tell him the truth. Maybe I will tell him someday. In his letter, for instance.
“She doesn’t know we’re still in touch. Actually, she doesn’t know we have ever been in touch. I think she would officially replace me with another daughter,” I say, he chuckles but agrees with me. “I can’t believe she never even tried to reach out to you, Ron.”
“Well, no offence, but I don’t want her in my life anymore anyway. Liz has been the mother I’ve never had for as long as I can remember.” Yeah, Liz Marsh, Aaron’s new mother. The very same that broke off my parents’ marriage. But, hey, my father loves her, and she sure loves him, so I am happy for them. And for Aaron.
“You had mom up until you were five,” I remind him.
“Almost five,” he corrects. “But yeah, I guess. And then she pushed me away like I never mattered in the first place.”
Sixteen years ago, our parents decided to split up. And as it is, everything gets split in half when a divorce doesn’t go through peacefully. The house had to be sold, the money for it got split in half. Every single one of our belongings; sold and the money split in half.
Their children. Split in half.
They thought, “good thing we have two kids, twins even. Makes it easier.” My father got one, and my mother one.
“Lily is staying with me. She is a girl. She needs her mother. You can take the boy,” she said. I was only five, but I remember her words like she said them yesterday. It was a knife in my heart. “I don’t allow her any contact to you or Aaron. And Aaron may never get in touch with me either. This is your half now, your commitment. No going back.” I think I’ve hated her for years after that.
But I was five, well four but soon to be five. I didn’t understand what was going on. All I knew was, I would never see my brother ever again.
Jokes on my mother, my dad is a decent guy. He wanted me in his life, and he wanted to be part of mine. So before he left, we made a deal. Aaron and I would meet up every Sunday at the ice rink in town. I told my mom I had new skating lessons every Sunday. It was my first ever big lie. And I regret nothing.
So every Sunday, dad would meet me there, together with Aaron. We would skate for a while, then grab some food before he took me back to the rink so my mom could come pick me up.
When I grew older, I used to lie to my mother about where I would spend the nights. I would tell her I was going to a friend’s house, when in reality, I went to stay with my father and Aaron for the weekend. These were the most fun weekends I would experience.
And my mother never found out about it.
I have no clue why my mother never questioned my new skating lessons. Or why she never wanted to come inside to see if I was actually meeting my Coach. But I am not mad about it.
If she did figure it out, I wouldn’t want to know what she would have done to my father.
“Do you think she ever regrets not keeping me in her life?” Aaron asks. A small amount of words, yet they have my heart breaking. The answer is no. Mom never regretted turning her back to her son. She never even gave him one more thought after that day. She didn’t keep pictures, didn’t speak about him to me, didn’t even mention him to other people.
When someone asked how many children she had, she had not more than one daughter. Aaron wasn’t even worth mentioning.
“No.” I know this will hurt him, but I can’t keep lying to my brother. He’s a sweetheart, he shouldn’t hold onto her when she clearly has no intentions seeing him or inviting him into her life. He deserves better. Liz is better…to him.
The doors to Claire’s open. Usually, I wouldn’t pay attention to who’s entering but when the same muscular figure from the ice rink enters, I can’t help but stare.
He is here. What in the world is he doing here?
“Marsh!” Colin yells out. Aaron’s back is turned to Colin, but he has a great view on me. And he uses it. His eyes are locked with mine. He doesn’t seem like he knows anything. Colin Carter just gives me the very same smile he gives everyone else. The star-smile. The I’m-oh-so-much-better-smile.
Colin walks up to our table, his eyes still on me before he takes a seat next to Aaron. His hand finds the back of Aaron’s neck, grabbing it, giving it a squeeze before he lets go.
“What’s up Lilybug?” Colin nods his head at me. He read it. I just know he did. Colin didn’t know my name before, so he checked if there was one inside the notebook. Hence, he figured out my name, read the rest, ratted me out to Aaron and now… what now? He’s here. Why is he here? And why isn’t my brother yelling at me for wanting to die?
“Lilybug?” I raise my eyebrows at him. He nods. “Seriously?” Another nod. Aaron is laughing. Of course he is laughing, as so is Colin.
“Would you prefer it if I called you little lady?” he asks.
“How about Lily?”
“No can do, Lilybug.”
I let out a sigh. And to avoid his intense stare, I am now looking at my fingers underneath the table. I’m playing with the ring on my left ring finger. That only ever happens when I get nervous. Why am I getting nervous?
“Hope I’m not interrupting your little coffee date,” he speaks, annoying me.
Aaron groans, closing his eyes to calm down, taking a few deep breaths. I just know he is trying his hardest not to grab a knife and stab Colin with it.
“No date, dude. She’s like a sister to me.”
I am his sister.
“So what’s the deal then?”
“What’s there to be?” Aaron asks in return.
We both agreed on never mentioning that we’re siblings. Though, if someone looked at the both of us a little longer than just a second, I’m sure it’s obvious that we’re twins. We look ridiculously alike. Fortunately, I have the more feminine genes. And I’m way shorter than Aaron. Probably by a whole foot. Not a clue how that happened.
Aaron and I only agreed on never saying a word because we don’t want to risk our mother finding out we’re attending the same college. We did the same back in high school, and elementary. My father made sure my mother would never find out.
“Are you like a thing?”
“For fuck’s sake, Carter,” Aaron cusses. “Lily and I are not a thing, and we won’t ever be a thing.”
“So then what the hell is going on between the two of you? You told me I can’t touch her, so there must be something.”
Ah yeah, that’s the big brother I remember. Aaron never wanted any of his teammates to “get in my pants”—his words, not mine. At least not after that one disaster back in high school.
He has always been protective of me. Always made sure the guys I’ve been with weren’t some criminals.
It used to be so difficult for me to even be with someone because whoever I was interested in, he was never putting up with Aaron’s expectations for me.
Which is why the only guys I’ve ever dated were fictional.
“Just leave it, would you?” I demand.
Colin’s eyes meet mine. He looks bemused. I know he has something on hand that will ruin my life. Or more my way out of life. Maybe I should watch my mouth around this dick.
“Fine, so then I don’t see a point why I can’t fuck her,” Colin speaks, his eyes never leaving mine. Aaron presses the palms of his hands to his face, stroking them down his face with another groan.
“Alright then. No girlfriend shit you have with her, but exclusivity, got it. I will stay away.” Colin winks at me and gets up from his seat. He makes his way over to another table and sits.
I’m not even surprised when I see that the table he just took a seat at wasn’t an empty one. Colin Carter is now sitting with two brunettes. Maybe brunette is his type.
“Your friend is gross,” I tell Aaron. He bobs his head in agreement, watching Colin flirt with yet another girl. “But so are you. You do the exact same thing.”
“We’re not going to discuss my sex life, Lils.”
“Not discussing it. I’m stating a fact.”
“Whatever. Tell Winter to come over later,” Aaron says and gets up. He pulls out some money from his back pocket and places it onto the table. “I need a good fuck after this.”
“Ew, Aaron!” He laughs as he walks away.
-♡–
“Lily, I mean it, Aaron hates me!” Winter complains, frustrated. And like the dramatic person she is, she does a perfect dramatic fall onto my bed, with the back of her hand pressed to her forehead and everything. She is such a drama queen.
“Aaron doesn’t hate you. He just has a bad day,” I reassure her. I’m not sure if Aaron ever truly loved her. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. Winter is a lot to take in.
“But I should be the one he wants to talk to, Lils.” Yeah, if they were dating, perhaps. “He never talks about himself. He doesn’t even want me meeting his parents. It’s so tiring.”
“Then why do you stick around? You’re always jumping onto the next opportunity to fuck him. He calls, and you start to run.”
“I love him. You wouldn’t get that, but I do think he loves me too.” Tears rolls down her cheeks.
“Love shouldn’t be that much work, Winter. If you have to fight for him loving you, then maybe it’s not supposed to be,” I tell her.
She stays quiet. The only sounds coming from Winter Varley are the sobs from all the crying.
Winter ends up falling asleep on my bed. I don’t mind it though. My bed is big enough for two people. And to be honest, I could use some company for once.
