“we’re on the right side of bad karma”—Rock Bottom by Hailee Steinfeld, DNCE
Colin
Stepping into the kitchen at six in the morning is something I never learned to like.
Until I figured that it can be pleasing.
The second I walk down the stairs, the kitchen coming into view, my eyes land on Lily standing in front of the stove.
She is making breakfast. Again.
I don’t remember one day this house smelled like fresh strawberries or bananas, or even just pancakes. But ever since Lily is forced to stay here, she’s been making breakfast every morning.
And I’m quick to learn that she loves pancakes. Not the normal ones. No, Lily puts strawberries and bananas in the batter. I think these have become my new favorite kind of pancakes.
To be fair, I didn’t even know this was a thing. Apparently it is, but I’m not mad about it.
“Good morning,” says Lily in a soft and sleepy tone. I don’t think she’s been awake for too long yet, at least according to her sleepy voice.
She doesn’t look at me, just continues to cook as I make my way over to her.
Standing right behind her, I slowly, and ever so gently wrap my arms around her, lowering my head until my mouth is at the same height as her ear. “Good morning, mi sol,” I whisper, then plant a tender kiss to her temple.
She shivers, but I don’t think it’s because of my touch. Her skin is cold, she is freezing.
“You should have put on some more clothes before getting down here.” Rubbing my hands up and down her arms to bring some warmth to her, she giggles.
“Maybe I wanted you to warm me.”
Before I get the chance to answer, my phone vibrated. As much as I hate checking my phone with Lily around, I know I have to.
I pull away from the comfort of Lily and grab my phone from my pocket as I walk over to the kitchen island, taking a seat.
Eira: What are you up to?
Whatever Eira is planning (at six in the morning), it can’t be anything good. She never asks what I’m up to.
Colin: About to eat breakfast. ¿Por qué?
Eira: You didn’t come home yesterday. Can we do something fun today? I know you have classes and practice, Papá told me. But Colin, I really need you today.
How could I say no to her? Ever.
Eira: And bring Lily, if she wants. ¡Te quiero, Colin!
Sighing, I fight the urge to groan. Telling Eira that Lily is my girlfriend—which is a total lie, sort of—was the worst thing I’ve ever done.
Lily doesn’t know it yet, but she totally is my girlfriend.
Instead of continuing to text my sister, I decide to call her. It’s not only easier, but also, I need to hear her voice before it’s too late.
She picks up right away. “¡Ay, Colin! Es bueno que llames.” Of course it’s good that I’m calling. I know Eira prefers calls over texts as well.
“What do you want to do, enana?” I ask, having not only Eira’s but also Lily’s attention.
“Does Lily skate? We could go to an ice rink, quizás? Oh, we can teach her if she can’t skate. That would be fun too!”
Eira is way too excited for someone who is supposed to be bed-bound and can barely even stand on her own anymore. Especially too excited about possibly going skating.
“Hate to burst your bubble, enana, she can. But I don’t think she’d go. I’ll ask her though.”
I know for a fact that Lily will turn her head, then frown at me the second the question leaves my mouth. But for Eira’s sake, I have to ask.
“Lilybug?” She hums, telling me she’s listening. “Eira asked if we could go skating together. Now, I know you don’t step foot on the ice, but—”
“I can’t,” she interrupts, turning toward me, frowning. A cute, little and irritated frown. “You know I can’t. I know I’ll love it, and I can’t find back to something I used to love only to leave it behind again in a couple of days.”
And those couple of days are less than I’d like. It’s the fifth of October today, meaning there’s only three days left. Two dedicated to me.
I hear Eira gasp through the phone. She must have heard Lily.
What Lily doesn’t know yet, she will step on ice again. I wouldn’t let her die without at least feeling the freedom of what she once loved one last time.
I’m sure if I told Lily why it’s so important to me that we go with Eira—hold on.
“Can you even go? Eira, you’re not that strong anymore,” I ask in Spanish, not wanting Lily to ask questions afterward.
“I’m fine, Mr. Nurse. I know you’ll hold me up. Mamá doesn’t like the idea of me going, but she certainly isn’t going to stop me. You know why.”
I do know why. And I hate it.
“Lily, I really have to go with her. I have to give Eira that much. I haven’t gone to visit her yesterday, it’s the least I could do.” And maybe I should tell you the whole truth…but I can’t.
“You can go. I have classes anyway. I can also annoy Aaron for a while, tease him about liking some girl or something.”
As intriguing at that sounds, I need Lily to come with me. I know she will ask questions—ones I can’t give her answers to—but I need Lily around.
“She has to come, gigante. Please.” Even my sister is whining for Lily to accompany us.
“I need you, Lily.” Running my hands through my hair, I let out a soft sigh. “If anything happens, I need you to call 911 for me.”
She shoots me a what-the-fuck kind of look, silently asking me what that is about. I wish I could tell her, but it would only guilt trip her.
“Eira is a bit clumsy, and she has thin skin, easily breakable bones,” I explain, lying. But maybe it’s not too much of a lie. She can get hurt so easily.
Eira snorts, knowing very well that I’m not being honest.
“You’re such a liar,” she blurts out in Spanish. “No cancer talk, got it. Bring her, por favor.”
-♡–
It required a lot of persuading and promises—and a couple of milkshakes afterward—but I got Lily to come with me.
Eira is sitting on the stairs to the entrance of the ice rink in New York. It looks like it’s closed today, probably my father’s doing. My mother is standing next to Eira, handing her probably six different gloves and a million scarfs.
We all know Eira is easy to break these days, but come on, seriously?
“¡Ay, hijo!” my mother shouts when she sees Lily and me exiting the car. “¡Y sus novia, Lily!” Suddenly I’m wondering how I was so confused when Lily found out I speak Spanish. My mother doesn’t exactly try to hide her Spanish genes.
I suppose neither should I, but I’ve always found it difficult not to feel judged for it. It’s like that one single incident—back in middle school when I used to have an accent and other kids would make fun of me—just completely ruined it for me.
Okay, and apparently, I switch between languages on the phone, even in front of her. Which, not going to lie, threw me off track when Lily told me.
I barely notice when I switch languages. But I do, however, know I don’t go around showing off my Spanish genes.
“Take care of your sister, will you?” The concern in her voice doesn’t stay unnoticed. I can’t blame her, Eira shouldn’t be outside anymore. I get that she loves it, that she wants to live but it’s simply not too possible at this time around.
“I wouldn’t let anything happen to her, Mamá.”
“Good, good. Make sure Eira wears her gloves, and stockings, and a helmet, and scarves and—”
“Estaré bien, Mamá,” my sister reassures. “Estoy enferma, no muerta.”
My mother glances at her, so do I. It wasn’t funny the first time Eira had said this, and it isn’t now. It especially isn’t now.
I hold my hand out for Eira, helping her up. “I can walk, Colin,” she says, knowing I would very well carry her inside.
“That’s good, otherwise I wouldn’t know how you’d skate.”
As we’re standing in front of the ice, Eira can barely wait to get on it. She used to love skating, just like Lily. The difference is, Lily stopped skating because she didn’t have the motivation to do it anymore, Eira was forced to by her doctors.
I got Eira one of those cute penguins, little kids use when they learn how to skate. I have no idea why, but this ice rink just loves being extra. So instead of those normal skate helpers, they have penguins. Obviously they’re not real.
It doesn’t even matter what they look like, it’s only for some support. Eira isn’t able to skate all she wants, she will need the help.
“You’re a figure skater?” Eira asks, looking Lily up and down.
Despite Lily not wanting to come here in the firsts place, she refused to possibly go skating without wearing one of her costumes. She said something about if she is going to do this, she will do it the right way.
I don’t really care if she’s wearing shorts or jeans…or a figure skating costume. As long as Lily will step on the ice, I will throw a party…silently. I wouldn’t want to scare her away.
The smile Lily offers doesn’t quite reach her eyes. The sweetest green eyes are filled with pain as she nods just as softly. “Former figure skater. I haven’t been skating in years.”
“Like me,” Eira cheers, grabbing onto Lily’s hand. “I never skated professionally, my father wouldn’t let me. But Colin and Aiden used to take me skating a lot.”
“My brother used to sneak me into the rink when I wasn’t allowed to be there because of hockey practice,” Lily says, smiling at the memory.
Eira grins brightly. One of her many talents is brining smiles to people’s faces. Genuine and shining smiles. Somehow Eira has always managed to grow flowers even when it’s storming.
“So come on, Lily, let’s skate.” Eira pulls on her hand, but Lily isn’t budging. Cocking an eyebrow, she let’s go off of Lily’s hand, taking a step back. “Maybe Colin can change your mind more easily than I can.”
I place the penguin onto the ice for Eira, helping her step onto it. When I’m sure she’s all good, I smile at her warmly and watch as she—slowly and carefully—begins to skate away.
I’d lie if I said I’m completely chill about it. I’m truly afraid something will happen to Eira in the next couple of minutes.
“I can’t do this, Colin,” I hear Lily whisper.
I turn to look at her, taking her face in my hands, looking deeply into her summer green eyes.
