“It’s nice to have you home for dinner. We’ve only seen you twice since you moved out,” my mom says from behind the platter of ziti and meatballs in the center of the table.
“I’ve been really busy with work, I told you I started my new position as marketing assistant last week.”
“That’s terrific. Do you like it?”
I nod and swallow my food. “Yes, it’s been great. I even have a small office now.”
“Did you get a raise?” Courtney asks. She’s changed in the past month, and appears older to me, and less innocent. Her black hair is much shorter now, and she’s started to wear more make-up. I wonder if she’s dating someone, but I don’t want to ask about that when I’m about to drop a bomb on my parents.
“Yes.” I wipe my mouth with my napkin. “I was given a small raise.”
I take a sip of my iced tea and breathe in a deep breath. “I need to tell you all something… just please don’t freak out.”
My father puts his fork down in preparation. I probably shouldn’t have started this conversation in those words, but I just want to get this over with and go back to my apartment.
“Use the Band-Aid approach,” Ditra had advised. “Don’t do it slow and easy. Just rip it off and come right out with it.”
“I’m pregnant. A little over three months.”
My mother’s face pales to a porcelain white, and next to her, my father’s jaw clenches and he shoves his plate away, knocking it into his glass of water, which tips and spills. Courtney’s eyes bug out and she looks from me, to our mother, to our father, and back to me again. Waiting for a response. Just like I am.
I lick my lips nervously. “I’m going to keep it,” I throw into the silence. “I’ve talked to a counselor already and that’s what I’ve decided is best.”
“Piper.” My mother’s eyes are glistening with tears. “How could you let this happen?”
“I knew it,” my father says gruffly. “I knew something like this was going to happen.”
“It was an accident. I was on the pill but I forgot to take it a few times. I didn’t realize I could get pregnant so fast.”
My father slams his fist down hard on the table and we all jump. “You forgot?” he yells. “You forgot you were ruining your entire Goddamn life?”
Yes. I forgot because I was caught up in love and whispers and music and the sound of raindrops…
“A baby is a huge decision,” my mother says. “You’re only twenty-one. And what about the father? Are you back together? Does he want to be part of this baby’s life?”
My father shakes his head. “I don’t give a damn what he wants. You can bet your ass he’ll be paying child support.”
The counselor warned me my parents would react this way. That it’s a natural reaction to a surprise pregnancy. I absorb their emotions for a moment, let them expel their anger and shock, before I force myself to continue. “No. He doesn’t know.”
“You have to tell him. He’s just as responsible as you are.”
“I know, Mom. But I don’t know where he is.”
“Well then we’ll find him. We can hire a lawyer if we have to and garnish his paycheck for support. It happens all the time.”
If only life were that easy. If only Blue could be that easy. “I have no idea how to find him. I don’t even know his last name.”
“What?” my father roars. “How do you not know his last name? Is this the same guy you dated for months? The one we never even met?”
“Yes, Dad. I’ve never been with anyone else.”
“And you never thought to ask him his last name?” he asks incredulously. “Doesn’t that usually happen during a first conversation?”
The urge to cry and defend myself, to throw myself on the sword to defend Blue is strong, but I keep myself in check. “It’s complicated. Can we just forget about him? I’m going to have this baby on my own, without him.”
“Piper, this is very serious. You have to tell him, and we’re not going to just let him sail off into the sunset and leave you a single mother struggling with a baby.”
I play with my fork, my brain spinning for the right words.
“He’s homeless,” I finally reveal. “I don’t know his last name, or even if his first name is real. He doesn’t have a phone, or a job, or an address. Believe me, I tried to find him months ago. He’s just…gone. I didn’t know I was pregnant when he was still here. I’m sure if he knew, he would have stayed.”
“Tell me this is some kind of sick joke you and your sister made up,” my father says, glancing over at Courtney, who shakes her head vehemently.
“Dad, it’s not a joke. It’s all true.”
My mother leans her elbows on the table and buries her face in her hands. “This is completely crazy,” she mutters. “I don’t understand any of this. How did this happen?”
“I met him in the park. He’s a street musician.”
“So he’s a fucking derelict, probably running from the law. I’ll bet he’s a burn-out, too. That baby’s going to be born addicted to crack.”
“Daddy, that only happens if the mother is on crack. Sperm can’t be on drugs,” Courtney interjects.
“Go to your room!” he bellows.
“Dad—”
He points to the hallway and glares at her. “Go. Now.”
My sister gets up and makes a dramatic exit, slamming her door when she reaches her bedroom upstairs. I rub my hand across my throbbing forehead. “Can we please just calm down?” I beg softly. “This is already hard enough for me to deal with.”
My father is now pacing the room with a glass of scotch in his hand.
“You think this is hard?” he asks. “This is nothing. Wait until you have a little meth baby. Or AIDS. And how exactly are you planning on supporting a baby? Have you thought about any of this?” He downs the remainder of his scotch and goes to the cabinet to refill his glass. “I don’t understand you, Piper. You’ve always been different than your sisters. But having sex with homeless men? Your mother and I didn’t raise you to behave like this. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“There’s nothing wrong with me. You’ll never understand. He’s not a bad person just because he lives differently. And people can’t help who they fall in love with.”
“Yes they can, Piper. Respectable young women don’t let dirty homeless men put their hands on them. You throw them a dollar and you walk the other way. You don’t spread your Goddamn legs.”
“Bill, that’s enough. This is our daughter, and that’s our grandchild.”
My father puts his hand up, his face twisted with disgust. “No. This isn’t my daughter. My daughter—the little girl I raised—wouldn’t lower herself to such filthy behavior. I don’t know who the hell this person is.” He slams his glass down on the dinner table. “I’m going out. I can’t even be under the same roof with her.”
I knew this conversation wouldn’t go well, but I never expected my father to be so sickened by me and my unborn baby that he would actually leave the house to get away from the sight of me.
He and Blue have that in common—walking away without communicating.
My heart aches as I slowly lift my head to meet my mother’s eyes across the table. Her lips are pursed in a thin line, her chestnut eyes pooled with emotion. Without a word, she places her napkin on her plate and when she stands, I’m sure she’s going to follow my father’s lead and leave. Instead, she falls into the chair next to mine and pulls me into her arms.
“We’ll get through this,” she whispers. “I promise.”
I cling to her, my body racking with sobs, afraid to let go for fear of losing another person when I need them the most.
“I’m so sorry, Mom. I never wanted this to happen.”
She strokes my hair, like she did when I was young. “I know, Piper. It’s going to be okay. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
I wipe my eyes with my napkin. “I’m so scared. Now Dad hates me, I don’t know where Blue is, and I have no idea how I’m going to raise a baby by myself. I don’t know how to be a mother.”
“Shhh… one day at a time. That’s how you do it, just like everyone else.” She smiles softly. “And your father doesn’t hate you. He’s going to need some time to accept this, but he will. Trust me.”
“I’m just so confused…when I talked to the counselor she made me believe I could do this but now, I just don’t know, Mom. One minute I think I’m okay and the next I’m falling apart.”
“You can do this, Piper, if it’s really what you want. Do you want to keep the baby? Are you sure?”
Still sniffling, I level my eyes at her and nod. “It’s all I’ve been thinking about. And I’m positive I want to keep the baby. I can’t imagine giving her up and never knowing what happened to her. I couldn’t live with myself. I know I’d regret it.”
“Her?”
I can’t help but smile through my tears. “Yeah. I just know I’m going to have a little girl. I can feel it.”
My mother takes a deep breath, but she’s still smiling. “It’s a lot sooner than I was expecting, but I guess I’m going to be a grandmother.”
“It all feels surreal to me. I don’t think I’m really going to believe any of this until she’s here.”
“I think all mothers feel that way.” She hesitates for a second. “Is it true? About the father? You honestly don’t know where he is, or what his full name is?”
I lean back in my chair and reach for my water. “It’s all true. But he’s not a bad person. I know it seems like he is, but that’s only because you don’t know him. He’s caring, and talented, and smart. He isn’t some dirty, scruffy guy with a shopping cart like you’re thinking. He’s good-looking, clean, and polite. It wasn’t just a fling. We really love each other.”
Her brow creases. “I don’t understand why he would be homeless, or why you don’t know his name or his whereabouts. That’s not normal, Piper. It worries me a great deal. All of this is so unlike you.”
How can I possibly explain Blue? I’m still trying to understand him myself, and I’ve come up with more questions than answers. “It’s hard to explain. He’s just different. I know Dad thinks he must be a loser and on drugs. When he was younger he did have a drug problem.”
Her eyes widen and I continue before she starts to panic.
“But he was in rehab and he’s clean now. He’s just one of those wandering, antsy, creative artist types. He can’t sit still.” My voice hitches with emotion and I pause to compose myself. Talking about him makes me miss him so much more. I’d do anything just to see his smile and hear his voice again. “He’s special, Mom. He’s difficult, and he lives in his own world, but he’s a good person. I don’t regret being with him at all.”
“I’m trying to understand, Piper. I never imagined any of my girls would be in a situation like this. Can you see him ever being a part of your life again? Or this baby’s?”
“I don’t know. In the immediate future? No. But maybe, someday. I think he’ll come back eventually. At least, I hope he does.” I do more than just hope. I wish, I pray, I envision, and I may have even briefly considered contacting a witch to put a spell on him.
Over the past few weeks I’ve asked myself a hundred times how I think Blue would react to the news of being a father, and every scenario brings me to a different conclusion. Sometimes I think he’d be happy, but other times, I think he’d be scared out of his damn mind and run, not walk, as far away as he could and never come back.
My mother starts to clean up the table. “I think you should move back home,” she suggests. “It would be best for you and the baby to be here with us.”
“What?” I straighten in my chair. “No. I can’t do that. I love my apartment. I can’t raise a baby in the basement, Mom. Even the cat hated it down there.” Moving back home has to be an absolute, last resort when no other choices are available. I refuse to lose everything I’ve worked so hard for and let my life fall apart just because I’m pregnant. The counselor told me lots of single mothers go to college, have careers, and live happy, normal lives even though most of them thought they couldn’t do it all in the beginning. I just have to stay focused on my goals, be a good mother, and make decisions that are best for me and the baby.
“Before you say no, will you please think about this? How are you going to take care of a baby living alone? You work full time. Daycare costs a fortune and will take up most of your paycheck. If you live here, I can take care of the baby all day while you’re at work. It will be much easier for everyone involved.”
I can’t deny that most of what she’s saying is true. I’ve already started researching local daycare centers and the weekly fees are a shock.
“Do you really want to be a babysitter all day? You just retired last year. I thought you wanted to do crafts. Learn to golf with Dad. Enjoy life while you’re still young.”
She waves her hand at me. “I can still work on my craft projects, and golf on weekends, if I want to, which I really don’t, but don’t tell your father that.”
I hold my ground. “I can’t move back in here. I need my space, and independence. If you’re serious about wanting to help me, what if I just bring the baby over here every day on my way to work, and pick her up after? Then the baby won’t have to be with strangers all day, and I can keep my apartment. I’ll even pay you.”
She gives me the side-eye as she wipes down the kitchen table. “Absolutely not. You are not paying me to watch my own grandchild.”
“Okay, but do you think that’s really something you want to do? After my maternity leave?”
“Maternity leave,” she repeats, closing her eyes as if she’s trying to absorb the words. “I never thought we’d be talking about this. Not for a long, long time.”
Neither did I.
“The answer is yes, Piper. Of course I’d love to take care of my grandchild every day. We’ll do this together. I’m not going to let anything happen to you and this baby. Do you have a good doctor? I’d like to go to your next visit with you. Or I could take you to my doctor, the one who delivered you and your sisters…”
“Mom,” I warn. “Slow down. You’re making my head spin. I have a doctor, but you’re welcome to come with me and supervise if you want to.”
“I just want to be sure you’re getting the best care.” She puts her hands on her hips and lets out a deep sigh. “All right. We have lots of time to plan and get all the things you’re going to need. Don’t worry about your father, I’ll talk to him and he’ll calm down. Everything will be okay, I promise.”
I want to believe her, but deep inside, little voices are whispering otherwise, and they’re hard to ignore.
