My life always seems to be in some stage of effed up. I’m not even sure why. I think I’m a pretty normal person just trying to live a normal life. I stay in my bubble. I try to do the right thing. I do my best to treat others well. But I still find myself in stressy positions that I had no intention of getting into.
Like having to face Josh at my house after just seeing Blue.
When I get home, Lyric is on the couch with her favorite stuffed animal and about five books scattered on her lap. Josh is on the other end of the couch with his laptop. I kneel down next to Lyric and kiss her forehead.
“How’s my girl?” I ask.
“Did Acorn go to the rainbow bridge?” she asks solemnly.
“Yes. He’s an angel now.”
Tomorrow I plan to wrap up the locket with Acorn’s photo and a tiny piece of his fur and mail it to her. She believes in angels and Heaven. I know it will mean a lot to her when it arrives. She’ll cherish it. In her sweet, innocent mind, she’ll believe that it came from him.
She picks up one of the books and points to a little girl playing a harp. “I want to do this,” she says.
“Read this story?” I ask.
“No,” Josh says, shutting the lid of his laptop and putting it off to the side. “She wants to play the harp.”
“Can I, Mom?”
“Wow, the harp?” I exclaim.
“Yes, like an angel,” she answers.
I wonder if she has her father’s musical talents, and now I can’t wait to find out. “Of course you can. I’ll find out where to get you one. Do you want to take lessons, like with a teacher?”
She nods excitedly. “Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll find out everything as soon as I can. I think it’s a really neat idea.”
Josh hangs around while Lyric gets ready for bed, and I’m dreading the questions I know are coming. My head hurts from crying, and I’m exhausted and depressed about Acorn. The last thing I want to do is talk to anyone right now. I just want to crawl in bed and escape from everything.
“Was it peaceful?” he asks as I straighten out the living room and put Lyric’s books back on the bookshelf. “For Acorn?”
The ache returns to my chest as the vision of Acorn closing his eyes for the last time passes through my memory.
“He just kind of went to sleep. It was very quick. And just really sad.”
“At least he didn’t suffer. He was a good dog.”
I nod and head to the kitchen with an empty glass that was next to the couch. Josh follows me and leans his shoulder against the door frame, watching me fill the dishwasher.
“Did he show up?” he asks, trying to sound casual. Archie wanders in and sits in the middle of the floor, observing us with a smug expression.
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And we talked,” I answer.
“Your lipstick is smudged.”
I automatically touch my lips and wipe the corners.
“I was crying, Josh, and blowing my nose.”
“And kissing.”
My frustration jacks up. “Do you see a ring on this finger? Nope. Am I in a relationship with anyone? Nope. Do both of you put me in impossible, awkward situations because you don’t know what you want? Yup!” I push past him on my way back to the living room.
“I was trying to be patient by asking you out on a real date, Piper.”
“I know, and I appreciate that. I really do. But kissing me totally came out of left field and you know that.”
“I thought you liked it. I thought maybe you felt the same way.”
“I did like it. And to be honest, I’m really not sure how I feel about anything or anyone right now. I was open to going on a date with you to see how we felt about each other… to see if we could be more than friends.”
“Was? As in not anymore?”
“As in I have no freakin’ idea! Did you guys like plan this? To make me mental and sandwich me in your fuckedupness?” I snatch a blanket off the floor and fold it before draping it over the back of the couch.
“So he’s trying to weasel his way back in?”
“I don’t know.” I run my hands through my hair in exasperation. “He wants to meet Lyric.”
Josh leans forward and shakes his head in disbelief. “Seriously? All of a sudden now he wants to be a father? What’s he going to do? Take her to a kegger? Drag her around on tour? Spend the day with her then disappear until her eighteenth birthday?”
“All valid points,” I agree. “And definitely things I’m going to consider. But he is her father and I’m not going to keep my daughter from meeting her father. That’s not fair. She’ll resent me someday if I do that, and I’d like to keep my relationship with my daughter in a healthy place so we don’t end up like me and my parents.”
He crosses the room and grabs his coat from the closet by the front door. “I guess you’re right. I don’t want to see either of you get hurt, Piper, that’s all. I’m gonna leave the ball in your court. Your head’s always been a mess over him. I thought that shit was in the past, but now it seems like it’s back. Am I right?”
I slump into the couch, feeling defeated and shitty. I don’t want to hurt Josh’s feelings. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. But I can’t deny that deep inside, my heart is peeking out of the darkness hoping for Blue to come mend all its broken pieces forever.
“I’m not really sure. I told him the same thing, for the record. I also told him about you. I’m not playing games or lying to anyone.”
“I know you’re not. That’s not you.” He shoves his arms in his jacket. “I’m gonna hit the road. I’ll call you in a few days.”
“Thanks for staying with Lyric for me. It really means a lot to us.”
“Anytime,” he says as he walks out the front door. I immediately get up from the couch and lock the door behind him, then go down the hall to my room, checking on Lyric as I pass her room.
The house feels empty without Acorn. Even though he was such a quiet dog, there’s a strange, lonely silence where he once was.
“You called. I was starting to think you were going to blow me off.”
“I almost did,” I admit, stretching out across my bed. Archie pauses licking his paw to glare at me for the intrusion.
“Ouch. Brutal honesty.”
I sigh with exhaustion. “Sorry, but it’s true.”
“So what made you decide to call?”
Stupidity, most likely.
“I didn’t want to leave things just hanging. It drives me crazy when we do that.”
“Me too. We do it too much.”
“It’s definitely a pattern.”
“How’s Lyric?”
“Sad, but she seems okay. She told me tonight she wants to learn how to play the harp.”
“The harp? Shit, that’s a lot of strings to tune. Do you think she’s serious?”
“Lyric is always serious.”
“There’s a chick who plays the harp on our tour for one of the song intros. I could ask her what kind to get an eight-year-old.”
“That would be great because I’m clueless. She wants to take lessons.”
“Would you let me buy her the harp and pay for the lessons?”
“You don’t have to do that. I can—”
“I want to. You have to let me start somewhere, Piper. You don’t even have to tell her, but for fuck’s sake let me feel like I’m doing something for my kid.”
My defenses start to rise, but I’m unsure if they’re valid. In some ways, he’s treading on my territory, and I’m protective. Other than sending checks, he hasn’t ever been involved in Lyric’s life. Letting him help make decisions and pay for actual things is going to take some getting used to. While it’s not entirely unwanted or unappreciated, it’s foreign ground for us. Lyric has always been just mine.
“Okay,” I reply. “I’m just not used to this. If you’d like to pay for it, then I’m fine with that.”
“Thank you. What do you think about me meeting her?”
Geez. He’s not beating around any bushes tonight.
“Do you really want to talk about that tonight?”
“Yeah.”
I thought we’d ease into this conversation slowly, maybe talk about his band and my job and casual life things before diving into child visitation.
“Are you sure that’s what you want? You’ve never wanted to see her before, so I’m sorry if I sound skeptical about all this.”
“I get why you feel that way. I’m clean now, and I’m trying to get my life together. She’s my family… and when I think about that, it’s big. She’s probably the only child I’m ever going to have, and she’s eight years old already and I barely know anything about her. The pictures you send are great but I want to see her and talk to her, ya know? In person. What have you told her about me?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean, nothing?”
“Nothing. She’s asked if she had a father twice I think, and I told her you moved far away and she’s never brought you up again.”
He’s quiet for a few moments. “Does she listen to my music?”
“Blue, she’s only eight years old. She’s not listening to grunge rock songs about sex and heartache and drugs and depression. She doesn’t listen to music much, but she likes Colbie Caillat and Britney Spears.”
“Ugh,” he groans. “That’s awful.”
I laugh. “Well, it is what it is. She’s a girl.”
“You really think that badly of my music?”
“I don’t think badly of your music at all. All I have to do is listen to it to know exactly how you’re feeling about me,” I tease.
He lets out a short laugh. “Very funny.”
“Seriously, I do love your music, even though I don’t fall all over you about it. Your lyrics are deep and raw, it’s the kind of music I want to blast at full volume and do ninety miles per hour listening to, just rocking out.”
“Hell yeah, baby. Now that’s more like it.”
“I’m going to have to talk to Lyric, and slowly introduce her to the idea of having a father. I can’t just say, hey guess what? Your father has materialized out of nowhere and wants to start seeing you.”
“True. I don’t want to scare her. I want her to like me.”
“You have to understand this is all new for me. I haven’t introduced her to anyone. The only guy friend of mine she’s met is Josh. I’m a bit of a wingnut as a mother, I just take things one day at a time. Thankfully, she’s very easygoing and self-sufficient in a lot of ways so she makes parenting easy. If she was one of those demanding, tantrum-throwing, dramatic, clingy types I probably would be a total fail in the mother department.”
“Don’t be hard on yourself, Piper. I think all parents guess their way through it.”
“I don’t know. Like I said, she’s usually very easy but a sudden dad in her life might freak her out a little.”
“You’ll be there, right? The first time I meet her?”
“Of course. I’m not going to just let my daughter go off with a stranger.”
Not the best choice of words.
“Hey, I’m not that strange,” he teases, flicking his lighter in the background.
“I didn’t mean that like it came out, I just mean she doesn’t know you. So to her, you’re a stranger and she knows she’s not supposed to talk to or go off with anyone she doesn’t know for any reason.”
The strumming of his guitar drifts through the phone, and the sound instantly puts a smile on my face. I miss hearing him play.
“I know you didn’t mean it that way, Piper.”
I sit up and run a hand through my messy hair. “I’m going to ask you for one thing.”
“Okay.”
“I would feel better if we wait about two or three months before you meet her.”
The strumming pauses, then starts again. “And the reason for that?” he asks.
“There’re a few reasons. The first is that she’ll be on summer break then. She’s doing really good in school right now and I don’t want to do anything that might disrupt her. The second is you said you’ve been straight for six months, and given your track record, I’d feel more comfortable if you were clean a few more months. I’m not trying to throw the past in your face, Blue, but I have to be careful. I can’t let you come and go like a revolving door with our daughter. You need to be absolutely, one hundred percent sure that you can commit to some kind of stable relationship with her.”
The strumming stops. “I really fucking love you, Ladybug.” His voice is husky and dreamy.
A small laugh slips from me. “Um… that’s really sweet but also a totally random response to what I just said.”
“I know. It’s just the way you love her, the way you loved Acorn, the way you’ve always loved me. It’s so powerful and intense. It makes me feel lucky… and proud that you’re her mother. I can just tell you won’t take any shit.”
“I won’t, Blue. Not when it comes to Lyric.”
“Then three months it is. That gives me time to try to figure out how to be the cool dad.”
“You already are the cool dad. She’s going to be fascinated with your long hair, your tattoos, all your jewelry. She’s very artistic like you.”
“She sounds awesome,” he says. “I can’t wait to meet her.”
He genuinely sounds excited and sincere. I’m hoping all the crap from his past stays in the past and doesn’t creep back up to ruin this for him or for her.
A faint, wandering melody fills the silence for a few minutes. I close my eyes and get lost in it, just like I used to. I’m taken back to the park, to his sexy smile, to falling in love with him. I wish we could go back to that time.
“Do I have to wait three months for you, too?” he asks.
“Oh, Blue,” I say with a small amount of exasperation. “What am I going to do with you?”
“What do you want to do with me?”
Where to start? So many things…
“That’s a hard question to answer. I’ve tried to spend the last three years detoxing myself from you. Just like you said you went through withdrawal and felt sick and depressed? That’s how it felt for me, too, trying to get you out of my head, not letting myself call you like a psycho or email you or sit and cry over you.”
“Babe… I had no idea you were going through that. You’ve never told me you felt like that.”
“I did. And it wasn’t the first damn time, either. I’ve let myself get in that place over you a lot and it makes me feel like a fool. My friends and my family think I’m a dumbass, a doormat, for allowing you to come back into my life after you disappeared the first time. And then you hurt me again.”
“You’re not a doormat, Piper. I’ve never thought of you that way and I never wanted to hurt you. I was just fucked up.”
“That’s really not a good excuse.”
“I know, but it’s all I got. I don’t know how to make you understand that I don’t know why I constantly fuck things up.”
I want to pull my hair out in frustration. “How am I supposed to trust you then? If you don’t even know what the heck goes on in your own head? How am I supposed to trust you with our little girl?”
“Because I’m trying. And I’m not letting drugs and alcohol stir up the mess in my head. I feel good, Piper. Better than I have in a long time. I’m writing new songs again, we have a tour scheduled, the band is getting along great. Things are all falling into place.”
“That’s all great, and I’m proud of you. I just don’t want to get hurt again. I’m petrified of it.”
“I know you are, and I don’t fucking blame you. I just… I can’t let you go. We belong together.”
I wonder if because we both feel that way that means it’s right? Is there some cosmic rule that if two people feel they’re meant to be together, then they should be together no matter what? Or sometimes do we have to walk away from the person we believe we’re meant to be with? And if we do… does that feeling that we’re missing our true other half ever go away?
I wish there was a way to get these answers.
“My aunt used to say something to me when I was younger,” he says softly. “She used to say, don’t listen to the voices in your head, listen to the voice in your heart, and you’ll always be okay. That’s what I’m trying to do.”
The voice in my heart has always spoken Blue’s name. Always.
I finger the beaded bracelet on my wrist, just inches away from my ladybug tattoo, and one of my favorite memories plays out in my mind:
“There’s a myth that if a man and a woman see a ladybug at the same time, they’ll fall in love.”
“No… I didn’t know that.”
“We just looked at yours at the same time.”
“That doesn’t count. It’s a tattoo. It’s not a real ladybug.”
“I guess we’ll find out, won’t we?”
Did that playful conversation seal our fate? Do we ever really know when it happens? That moment where we know, that this person, is our person?
“Can we take it slow?” I ask. “And see how things go?”
“We can try, Ladybug. But I think you know there’s no such thing as slow with us.”
That might be true, but I’m going to do whatever I can to keep everything at a snail’s pace with him.
