I park my rental car practically sideways in visitor parking at the hospital but I don’t care. All I care about is getting to Blue as fast as I can. I run inside, spin myself dizzy in the revolving doors, and stand breathlessly in the lobby, scanning the myriad of signs.
“Piper.”
Reece comes toward me from a hallway to the right and I run to him.
“Where is he? Is he okay?”
Reece puts his arms around me and hugs me in that scary, desperate, apologetic way that screams all things awful. I’m already sobbing as I cling to his wide shoulders.
Closing my eyes, I take deep breaths against his chest, accepting the small comfort his embrace offers.
When I pull away I’m shocked at how terrible he looks. I’ve never seen Reece look even remotely tired but today he’s got angry dark circles under his eyes, his dark skin is ghostly pale, and his black hair is a tangled mess.
“Can I see him?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Not now. He’s in surgery and—”
My heart lurches. “Is he going to be all right? What the hell happened, Reece? Please tell me something!” Anxiety and desperation are swirling like a cyclone inside me and I’m afraid I’m going to lose control and start screaming for answers.
“Piper, I know you’re upset and this is fucking crazy scary for you and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it myself. I promised Blue a long time ago I’d always be here for you if something happened….”
I wrench my arms from his grip. I don’t want him here for me. I only want Blue.
“Just tell me what’s going on,” I sob. “Before I lose my mind. How bad is it? How did he fall off a roof? Was he drunk? Just tell me. I won’t even be mad. We’ll help him…”
He grabs my arm again and pulls me to the side of the hallway. His dark eyes are pitch black and somber. The deep rise and fall of his chest hypnotizes me.
“He didn’t fall, Piper. He jumped.”
Reece’s face blurs in front of my eyes. The corridor tilts and closes in, the walls crushing me with their whiteness. The floor rises up. I can’t tell up or down. I can’t breathe.
No. No. No. No….
“Piper, look at me.”
I’m shaken like a doll. Rattled back to reality then held up by his big guitar-playing hands.
Hands just like Blue’s.
“Look at me, Piper. Breathe.” The puzzle of his face slowly pieces back together. I’m aware of people walking by us, eyeing me with concern as I sob in the arms of this bear of a man. They’re taking all my air. I need to get out of here. I need to get to Blue. We just need to hug and listen to the rain and it will all be okay.
“Take some deep breaths. Don’t pass out on me, kiddo.”
“He didn’t,” I whisper. “He didn’t do that.”
“He did.”
I shake my head. My bottom lip trembles and tears run down my cheeks as I stare up into his face, searching for truth amongst these lies.
“No…he wouldn’t…” I can’t even let the words come out of my mouth. It’s too horrible; too unbelievable. Blue would never, ever try to take his own life.
We just bought wedding bands and he was happier than I’ve ever seen him. He was so excited about the wedding plans, and about finally living together permanently. Why… why would he want to end his own life?
It makes no sense.
Did he change his mind about getting married and didn’t know how to tell me? Did I just not love him enough? Did he still feel alone, even with me and Lyric in his life? Did I want too much from him? Were his headaches getting worse and he couldn’t deal with the pain? Oh my God… does he have a brain tumor? Was he afraid of dying a slow, painful death and just wanted to put his fate in his own hands? Was it all of it? What was going on that he wanted to die?
“I know it’s hard, Piper. But you gotta believe me because this is going to get a whole lot harder before it gets any easier. He jumped off a three-story roof. Thank God for Koler’s fucked-up huge bushes and trees, they kinda knocked him around and slowed him down, and the motion triggered the house alarm.”
I shake my head violently, trying to thrash that image out of my head. “No…” I cry. “This is a mistake. It had to be an accident… he fell.”
Reece’s jawline clenches. “There was a note. And pills. It wasn’t an accident.”
My head reels and I cover my mouth with my hand so I don’t scream my head off in the middle of this hospital hallway. Reece kneels down and puts his arms around me again, holding me like I’m a small child. I feel like a child. A little lost child that just found out everything they ever loved and believed in had vanished into thin air.
“Is he alive?” I force out.
“He was when they took him into surgery…but that’s all I know.”
I gasp and almost collapse into him. He’s alive. He’s still here. That’s all that matters.
I’m completely numb and wobbly as Reece leads me to a small waiting room that has a PRIVATE sign on the door. He sits me in a chair and retrieves a paper cup of water from a bubbler in the corner. My hands are shaking so badly he has to hold it for me as I sip from it.
“Just sit and rest for a few minutes,” Reece says softly from the chair next to me. “You’re white as a ghost.”
“How’s she doing?” Koler’s voice comes from across the room and I lift my gaze from the floor to stare at him, as if maybe some answers are going to be visible on him. Alex, the drummer, is sitting next to him and I realize the hospital must be keeping the band in this private waiting room to keep people away from them.
“I think she’s kinda in shock like the rest of us,” Reece answers.
“How’d he get on the roof?” I blurt out with my eyes still glued on Koler.
He shrugs and puts his hands up. “I don’t know. I thought he was asleep. He told us he felt tired and he went to his room.”
“Was he acting weird? Was he partying? Did he say anything to you?”
“No,” Alex answers. “He was a little quiet but he wasn’t doing anything.”
“Do you think something else was going on in his life? Something none of us know about?”
“No,” Reece answers. “I guess anything is possible but I don’t think Blue had anything secret in his life.”
“Then what was so horrible that he believed he had to die?”
They all look at each other and shrug.
I blink at them like they’re speaking a foreign language. “I just don’t understand any of this.”
Reece squeezes my shoulder. “We have no idea what happened. We were all there and none of us noticed anything. We’ve been banging our heads against the wall for hours. He was acting normal. The interview earlier in the day went good. We were all bummed about going public about the band splitting up, but he seemed okay.”
“He seemed fine,” Koler adds.
“How does someone seem fine and then jump off a roof?”
They all shake their heads and I gape at them in disbelief. How could they have not noticed something? These are his best friends, his bandmates. They’ve been with him through everything—through all the good times and the bad.
Something must have happened or been said. People don’t just attempt to take their own lives without acting strange or sad or depressed or giving off some kind of vibe.
“Did you guys fight about him wanting to leave the band and you just don’t want me to know? He only wanted to be happy. That’s all. He just wanted to get away from it and have some peace with me and his daughter. There’s nothing wrong with that!” My voice starts to take on a hysterical shriek. They must be hiding something from me. Blue would never, ever, ever leave me and Lyric.
“Piper… there weren’t any fights. Everything was cool with us. He was excited about a new start, the wedding, writing songs for other bands, maybe making a solo album. We’re just as shocked as you are. Did he say anything to you that night? Did you guys maybe have a fight?”
I’m taken aback. “I didn’t hear from him at all. I spoke to him the night before, after the live show, and everything was fine. We were happy.”
“Blue’s been fucked in the head for years. I think he just fucking snapped,” Alex says, rubbing his hands over his face.
I glare at him with anger burning up inside me. “How dare you say that about him,” I seethe. “He’s exhausted from the tours and the stress and writing all the songs. That’s all. I don’t believe any of this.” I stand and throw my water cup in the trash. “Blue would never try to take his own life. He loves me and he loves his daughter. You guys are all crazy and guilty because you pushed him too hard. You used him to do all the work. He probably just went to smoke a cigarette and he fell because he was so tired.”
That’s exactly what happened. Blue loves to look at the sky. He was probably exhausted and lost his balance. It was a horrible, terrible accident and he’s going to be okay.
“Wake up, Piper,” Koler says. “Blue’s been a fucking mess forever. It’s been a constant struggle for us keeping his shit together. Do you know how many times he almost ruined this band with his crazy shit? Disappearing for days? Trying to sleep in strange places? His crazy-ass mood swings? His rambling? He’s up, he’s down. He’s a goddamn ping pong ball. Yeah, he’s a fucking god and the fans love him, and sure—he wrote all the songs. But we were the ones holding him up and picking up the pieces and doing constant damage control and babysitting. You never saw that side of him, you weren’t on the road with us. You saw little slivers of him. He’s always been on the edge of having a fucking meltdown and it finally happened.” He takes a deep breath. “Ya know what? We shoulda quit this shit when he disappeared in the fucking desert. None of this was worth his life. We’re all to blame for this.”
“I can’t listen to this,” I spit out. “I’m going to find one of his doctors and I’m going to see him and he’ll tell me the truth. I know him. He would never try to kill himself.”
Reece grabs my arm and pulls me back down into the chair next to him.
“Give us a few minutes,” he says to the guys, and I watch their feet as they stand and shuffle out of the room.
Good riddance.
“Piper,” Reece says slowly. “We’re not the enemy here. I know you’re upset and scared, but you have to trust us.”
I shake my head. “No. I don’t. You guys don’t know him like I do.”
He pulls a folded piece of paper from his pocket, and I recognize the paper immediately because I have many notes just like this one at home.
“This was left for you. I’m sorry, but I read it when I found it in his room. So did the police. I asked them if I could give it to you since it’s meant for you. If he doesn’t live, it’s considered evidence. The police photographed it and I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends up online someday. Shit like this gets really ugly.”
As I take the note from him, my heart races so fast and so hard it feels like it’s going to pound right out of my chest.
“What do you mean if he doesn’t live?” I ask weakly.
“He’s got a lot of injuries. When I talked to the doctors earlier they were hopeful he’d pull through but there could still be complications. I think you should read the note.” He stands. “I’m going to go sit over there but I’m not leaving you alone while you read this. Sorry, but I’m not doing it.”
I nod and wait for him to walk away before I slowly unfold the note.
Ladybug,
I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m just so tired and my head hurts so much. I can’t fight the voices anymore. I’ve tried so hard but I can’t. I’ve failed everyone. The world is hating me. I’ve hurt everyone. Especially you. It’s unforgiveable. I need you and Lyric to be happy. I can’t let the voices and the monsters get you, too. They’re getting louder and louder and closer and closer. So loud I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore. I’m sure you’ve heard them in my head. I’m so confused all the time. It’s hard to remember everything. The pain of it is killing me. I’m killing me.
Please tell Lyric I love her. Thank you for bringing her into my life. Thank you for loving Acorn. I’m so sorry about the baby. I think he was sick like me and he heard the voices already. Thank you for always loving me and showing me what hope feels like. Thank you for giving me a chance, and for calming my soul. Thank you for letting me love you. I only made it this far because of you. You kept me going. You made me fight, but I’m not strong enough anymore. I wish I was.
I’ll watch over you, I will. I’ll always be with you. You’re the only place I’ve ever felt quiet and loved and cared for. I’ll spend eternity loving you. I’m never leaving you.
I’m so sorry, baby. You deserve so much better. I loved everything we had, but I don’t deserve any of it.
I’m going to fly now, I’m going to be free. Be happy for me. He says it will take all the bad away.
I love you like no tomorrow. Always. Always. Always.
Blue
My heart is broken—shattered—and all the pieces have fallen into the pit of my burning stomach.
I was wrong. I didn’t know Blue. Not this Blue. As my tears fall onto the note and blur the words into tiny puddles, I’m not sure who I knew at all.
