At Sea
“Stop looking at me like that,” I told Leah as we hunched over our books at the dining room table the next afternoon.
“Like what?” she asked, her gaze still moving over all my exposed parts.
“Like I’m secretly wounded and about to bleed out at any moment.” I flipped the page in my notebook. “I told you I’m fine. He’s fine. We’re…” I shook my head. “Everything is fine.”
“You were civil to Landon at lunch,” she remarked. “You even let him sit across from you and didn’t break into a food fight.”
“Yeah?” I uncapped my highlighter and attacked my textbook. So much for selling this sucker back.
“Seriously, Rachel, what’s going on? Is this about the”—her voice dropped to a whisper—“mudslide?”
“You don’t have to whisper, I can still hear you,” Penna called out from the living room, where I was pretty sure her ass was going to leave a permanent indent on the sofa.
“Sorry, Penna. I just didn’t want to upset you.”
She scoffed. “Upset me? I wasn’t the one almost devoured by a piece of Sri Lanka, and I can honestly say that Brooke didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“Maybe I did. After all¸ I’m the jinx, right? The curse?” I asked.
She tossed her book on the coffee table and staggered to her feet. “I’m not going there. The whole concept of luck went out the window when Brooke flew off the handle.”
My highlighter paused in midair as she crutched over to us. Opening up about what her sister had done wasn’t really a line we’d crossed before now. Of course I knew what had happened, Leah had filled me in, but this was first time Penna had brought it up herself.
“So you think the weather that almost held up the hang gliding stunt and the mudslide are both…” The curse of Rachel. I came back to the Renegades, and all hell was breaking loose. You’re not back in the Renegades, I reminded myself.
“Shitty coincidences. Well, the rain caused the mudslide, so really it’s the weather. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Rachel.”
I focused back on my textbook, pulling phrases I could cite for my paper proposal. “What I wouldn’t give for some good internet.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Penna asked. “Grab my laptop.”
“You have internet out here? I thought it was impossible.”
“Nothing’s impossible when you throw enough resources at it,” she said. “Seriously, do you need it?”
I looked down at my nearly finished proposal. “I think I’m good, but thank you. I might need it later.”
“Just don’t tell your mom that you have it,” Leah suggested.
Guilt hit me like a Mack truck. “I was supposed to call from Sri Lanka.”
“I think she’ll understand,” Penna answered.
“You don’t know her mother,” Leah rebutted.
“True. She’s a little…protective.”
Leah laughed, then clapped her hand over her mouth. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. You know how she gets. The only reason they even ‘allowed’”—I used air quotes—“me to come on this was because they knew you’d be here, and they hoped you’d keep me in line.”
“Yeah, because I have so much control over you,” she said, flipping another page in her book.
“Well, I sure as hell didn’t tell them you’d hooked up with Wilder. That would have earned me a strict demand to get my ass home. Hell, if they so much as sniffed Landon around me, they’d probably be in India waiting for us to dock.”
“They have good reason to hate him,” Penna answered. “From the parent point of view, of course.”
“That’s not going to stop you from coming on the Everest trip, right?” Leah asked.
I groaned. “Leah, as much as I would love to go with you, that’s over a week with him. There’s a bunch of other optional shore excursions that—”
“Wouldn’t be as much fun!” she argued. “Seriously. Pax promised we’d spend one day at the Taj Mahal before flying to Nepal, and that isn’t on any shore excursion. You only get that if you come with the Renegades.”
“How did you convince him to do that? It’s an entire plane ride out of the way.”
“I mentioned wanting to do my research paper on it, and he said he’d make it happen if I agreed to freeze my butt off with him in Nepal.”
“It’s a Renegade-only trip,” I argued.
Leah gave me the you’re-being-stupid face. “Landon wants you there.”
“Not if he’s doing what I think he is. If he’s trying to ride that ridgeline for the documentary, he doesn’t need me distracting him or just generally cursing him. He’s been dreaming of that chance for years, ever since I’ve known him, and I’m not going to be the reason he fucks it up or gets himself killed.”
Leah sighed. “I think he’d do better just to show off for you. Seriously. I want you to come, and I know you’d love the trip.”
“Coming is optional, of course,” Penna added with a snort laugh.
“Nice,” I threw in her direction. “That is so not happening.”
“Please? We’re partially trekking to the Everest base camp, and you know you’ll never get that chance again. Not with the way this crazy group does stuff.”
Ten straight days with Landon. Nowhere to run or to avoid him…or his effect on me. Ten days of travel and snowboarding and seeing the tallest mountain in the world—a true once-in-a-lifetime experience and one of the things I was on this trip for.
“If I’m going, you’re going,” Penna ordered.
My head snapped toward her. “You’re going?”
She shrugged. “So I’ve been told. Crutches and all. Fun times.”
“We’ll have fun,” Leah promised. “And we don’t have to stay at advanced camp. We can go back down to Lukla and get massages while they’re out boarding.”
Penna’s eyes deadened, and I sliced my hand across my throat, trying to get Leah to stop. Her eyes widened and she mouthed, “What?”
I sighed. Leah might have known them, but she didn’t understand Renegades yet—their competitive nature and general hatred of feeling useless. “It’s lame,” I told Penna. “Fully lame that you can’t board. But if what I’ve been told is correct, you absolutely can ride in that helicopter up to Everest. You’re not going to sit that out over a leg, are you?”
“You’re not going to miss out on that over a boy, are you?” She stared me down.
“Touché. Guess I’m going.”
“Yes!” Leah fist pumped.
I glanced up at the clock. “Crap. I have to get to class. I guess this thing is as good as it’s going to get.”
I said good-bye to the girls and almost ran out the door, a muffin shoved in my mouth and my books trying their best to tumble from my hands. I skidded into the elevator just before the doors closed.
“Bold, running with food in your mouth, given your luck,” Zoe said from the corner of the elevator.
My hackles rose as I swallowed the bite of blueberry goodness and punched the button for my floor. “Well, it’s better than what you like to keep in your mouth.”
“Ooh, you do bite,” she said as we started our descent. “Landon warned me.”
I stiffened. “He would know.”
“So you two aren’t…?” She let the question hang.
For the love of God, the last thing I wanted to do was discuss Landon in the elevator with a girl who had clearly slept with him. “We’re not.”
“Oh…” Her head cocked to the side. “You’re the one, though, right? The one who nearly took him out a couple years ago?”
“Is that any of your business?” I snapped at her as she wound her brown hair around her finger.
Three more floors.
“Are you this much of a bitch to everyone? Or just the girls he’s slept with?” she asked with false sympathy.
I blew my breath out as I counted to five. “Seeing as I don’t exactly have a list of who he’s slept with, it would be impossible for me to single you all out.”
She snorted, letting that brown curl rest against her breast. She leaned against the wall next to me, her long legs stretched out beneath shorts that barely covered her ass. Yeah, she looked like his type.
I never had been, nor had I ever suffered any insecurity over that fact. I couldn’t help but wonder if this girl had—if she’d based her self-worth or her position with the Renegades on whom she was sleeping with. What a horrible way to treat yourself.
“Well, it’s kind of a crapshoot. If you have ten girls in a room, just start flipping coins.”
One floor. This was the slowest elevator in the freaking world. “Like I said, I don’t care. But apparently you do,” I said softly.
The elevator doors opened, and I turned briefly toward her.
“Personally, were I to ever sleep with Landon…Nova, or whatever you call him, I’d demand the one thing he isn’t capable of.”
“What’s that?”
“Monogamy. I saw you ride. You’re good. Don’t base your abilities on who you’re sleeping with. And for God’s sake, don’t attack women you don’t know in the elevator because you think you need to defend territory you don’t have. I’m not your enemy.” I shrugged at her with a tight smile. “Sorry if I didn’t give you what you’re looking for.”
Before the doors could shut on me, I ran out—straight into Landon. “God, you’re everywhere,” I muttered as I regained my balance.
“You seriously don’t think I can be monogamous?” he asked, sounding annoyingly wounded. Like I’d pointed out something that wasn’t an obvious truth.
“Glad to know you eavesdrop. I’ll try to have an interesting conversation after dinner if you’d like to lurk in the corner.” I tightened my grip on my books and started down the hallway toward class.
“One, I was waiting for you, not lurking, and two, was that an invitation?”
“Hardly. Besides, if I’m stuck with you for the entire Everest trip, I’m not offering up any more of my free time.”
“You’re going with us?” He grinned down at me.
His smile does not affect you. Not one bit. Liar.
“Looks like it.”
He opened the door to the classroom, and I walked through, trying not to let his small gesture affect me, either. Apparently I was failing at Landon-emotion avoidance today.
“That’s fantastic. But you seriously don’t think I can do the one-woman thing?”
We took our seats, and I looked over at him. “Why do you care what I think?”
He turned his baseball hat backward, the white of the cap only making his face look more tanned. “Because I don’t want you thinking that about me. I could if I wanted to.”
“Hey, Nova,” the girl behind me greeted him, leaning forward so her breasts nearly fell out of her top. “Wanna study tonight?”
“No, thanks, Amy. Maybe another time?”
I laughed, turning to face forward. “Yeah, you’ve got a great track record.”
He leaned over. “You don’t know my track record.”
“Yeah, okay, Nova.” I lowered my voice to a whisper so I didn’t hurt the girl’s feelings. “Did you not just masterfully turn her down, but leave her with a little hope on that hook of yours so you can reel her in another time?”
His mouth opened and shut. “I didn’t want to offend her.”
“You’re a regular knight in shining armor.”
“Just let me know when you’re the delicate damsel in need of saving.”
I snorted. “Yeah. Never going to happen. I’m quite capable of saving myself from everything, including you.”
“I’m well aware,” he said, his voice dropping. “It’s one of my favorite things about you. You’ve always been able to hold your own against me…or with me.”
Oh God, there it was—the fluttering in my stomach that led to alarm bells blaring in my head. Don’t believe a word he says. Don’t let him in. The terrifying part was that there was a tiny sliver of me that wanted to, that missed him, and that part was steadily growing louder. At this rate she’d be screaming before we ever got on the plane.
I held his gaze as long as I could before I retreated, shuffling my papers, to take out my paper proposal. We were presenting orally today, and if Dr. Messina accepted, I’d have to type this sucker up all pretty and submit it on eCampus tonight.
“Hey, Rachel,” Hugo said as he sat down next to me. Thank God he was my partner and not Landon. Hugo was easy, fun to hang out with, and didn’t come with ten tons of my emotional baggage.
“How’s it going?” I asked him.
“Can’t complain. Happy with your proposal? That rough draft looked pretty tight yesterday.”
“It’s good, I think. I’m hoping she’ll go for the Korean adoption angle.”
“Are you digging up your roots?” Landon interjected. “I thought you gave that up years ago.”
Sometimes I hated that he remembered so much about the time we’d been together. “I did when my mom asked me to let it go. She’s always been touchy about it, like I’d say she wasn’t my mom and run the other direction. But she’s not here, and I’ve always been curious. Seemed like a good time.”
Look at me, being all civil and open.
“Just curious?” he asked.
I shrugged. My need to explore my beginning wasn’t something he needed to understand.
“I’ll help you,” he offered. “I know I’m not your partner, but I also know what it means to you, so if you need help…”
I swallowed, my throat suddenly thick at the open, pleading look in his eyes. There was no flirtation or suggestion, no hint of Nova looking back at me, just my Landon.
And that was far more dangerous than being pursued by Nova. The warning bells in my head were full-blown wailing now.
“Yeah, I’ll let you know,” I said.
“Same goes here,” Hugo offered, and my head swung in his direction. “Maybe we could talk about it over lunch tomorrow?”
I felt Landon’s stare burning holes in my back. I liked Hugo. He was nice, kind, quick with a smile or a joke. He’s just what I would have gone for last year.
But as much as I hated myself, I had to be honest, up front, and not lead him on. “That would be great. It would be nice to have a friend to talk it over with.”
His smile fell slightly, but he nodded as he absorbed how I’d just labeled our relationship. “Sounds good.”
I didn’t turn back to Landon as our professor started the lecture. I didn’t want to see his face or that cocky smile. I didn’t want him to gloat over my realization or to find a way to use it against me.
As much as it would have been fun to start up a relationship on the cruise and make memories with someone, to flex the walls of my heart and see if they’d budge, I also knew the truth: Hugo wasn’t Landon.
And sitting between them, that made all the difference.
