Lukla, Nepal
“Switch with me?” Landon asked Little John after we’d gained our cruising altitude, which, when I thought about it, was going to be our normal altitude the day after tomorrow.
Little John shot me a look, and though I rolled my eyes, I nodded. The plane was only big enough for the ten of us, one on each side down the length, and with Pax and Leah at the front, all the way to Bobby and another cameraman at the back, we were full.
“Sure thing,” Little John answered, vacating the precious territory.
So much for peace.
Landon sat down and buckled in. I turned toward the window and looked over the scenery below. Nepal was heading into winter, but the fields at this altitude were still green, terraced in places and thick vegetation in others. Where we were headed, vegetation couldn’t survive.
Then again, humans weren’t meant to, either.
“Are you seriously going to try to ignore me?” he asked.
Exactly when was my heart going to stop stuttering in response to his voice? “Just taking in the view. You should, too. It’s not something you see every day.”
“Neither are you.”
Ugh. Like that response. The one where my chest tightened and those stupid, naive butterflies danced in my stomach. I tried to kill the butterflies and turned to Landon. “It’s Nepal. How often do you plan on coming back?”
He shrugged. “I can fly here any time, grab another flight, and watch the ground roll by underneath us. You…well, I have no control over where you are or when I get to see you. So I choose you.”
But you didn’t. I shut down the thought. It wasn’t going to do us any good to hash out the same stuff again and again.
“You know how impossible this is, right?” I asked him across the aisle.
“What? Me talking to you?”
I almost snorted. “No. You trying to ride this ridge. We have, what? A week?”
“Six days left,” he answered. His eyes looked blue against the gray beanie he wore, and there wasn’t a trace of worry to be found.
“Right. We lucked out that the visibility was good enough for us to make this flight. What are we going to do when we can’t get up to base camp the day after tomorrow?”
“Take another day to acclimate to altitude. Lukla is at nine thousand feet—the extra day won’t hurt.”
“Right, and what happens when the helicopters can’t make it to Pangboche? When they can’t make the flight to base camp? Then to advanced camp? What happens when we can’t see the ridge and the weather rolls in?”
“Rach, I can’t solve a problem that doesn’t exist yet.”
I shook my head. “You have too many variables, and on a trip like this, you can’t afford them.”
“I can’t afford not to try. We’re here. The timing coincided with the week the program gave us for optional excursions. What would you have rather I done?” He looked so relaxed, so at ease with the fact that he was putting his life on the line.
“Oh, I don’t know…maybe come back when you could have devoted all the time you needed to a trip like this, instead of working it in while we happen to be docked in India? This isn’t something to take lightly.”
Twenty-one thousand feet meant that one bad choice, one slip, one second would end him—and any chance, no matter how slim, of us healing the rift in our past. Twenty-one thousand feet meant help couldn’t come, and I couldn’t even deliver his body to his mother…if she so much as knew who I was.
He reached across the aisle and unfisted my hand, stroking his thumb across the line of indentations my fingernails had made in my palm. “This documentary we’re making—we’re each going after one thing. This is mine. I’ve planned for this, trained for this, and am prepared for this.”
“How can you possibly be prepared for this when you’ve been on a cruise for the last three months?”
“In the last year I’ve spent time in the Denali, the Tetons, and the Alps. I’m not a stranger to free riding. You of all people know that.”
My eyes dropped from his, and I pulled my hand away, remembering why he hadn’t been around when I’d initially met Wilder. So many things would have been different if he’d been there to begin with. But I wasn’t thinking about that, because if I couldn’t move on from the past, it was going to kill any chance I had at the present.
That’s what I’d told myself the last two years, and it had worked well.
“You’re in shape?” I asked.
“Would you like to see?” he teased, his eyes taking on that mischievous glint that I’d always loved. Liked. No love.
“I’ll pass, but thanks.”
“I’ll just have to keep offering.”
“Can you please take this seriously?” I asked.
“I take everything about you seriously.”
“Not what I meant. Alex? Gabe? They’re good enough to go with you? You found a pilot willing to get you that high?”
The corner of his mouth tilted up. “Be careful. You keep asking those questions and I’m going to start to think that you care.”
God help me, I do care.
He sighed. “Yes, yes, and yes. If there were an issue about any of this, I wouldn’t do it. I might be a little reckless, but I’m not stupid.”
“That remains to be seen.”
“God, I’ve missed you.” The yearning in his voice echoed the little voice in my soul that I couldn’t keep gagged.
The aisle between us was too much space and not enough.
We were told to prepare for landing, our quick, half hour flight at an end. I shifted my attention to the ground below. The mountains rose above us, beautiful and just as ominous as the tiny runway carved into the side of the rock.
“Holy shit, is that the runway?” I asked, seeing a small strip of pavement beneath us. It was the shortest one I’d ever seen.
“That thing is wicked!” Gabe yelled from the row ahead of us.
“Fuck me,” Paxton said.
“I totally forgot you weren’t a fan of flying,” I called up toward Wilder.
“It’s actually one of the most dangerous runways in the world,” Landon told Gabe. “It’s not just the altitude, but the runway runs right into the mountain if we don’t stop in time.”
“Not helping!” Leah barked at Landon.
He just laughed.
I looked forward and saw Leah taking Wilder’s hand. Landon offered his, and I rolled my eyes. “It takes more than a landing to scare me.”
He shook his head with a grin, and I clutched my armrests until we landed.
“Welcome to Lukla,” the captain said as we taxied to a stop.
“Nine thousand feet,” Landon said.
“Twelve more to go,” I answered.
“That’s my girl, always looking up.” He paled the second it was out of his mouth, and his eyes flew wide.
I needed to get away from him. Now. Grabbing my backpack, I stood, thankful the aisle had cleared and it was my turn to get off the plane. “Yeah, well, that girl learned that you have to look down. It does you no good to keep your eye on the sky if no one is waiting for you when you fall.”
“Rachel…”
I didn’t answer. Instead, I retreated—ran away.
Checking in to our little hotel, I chose the room farthest from his.
At dinner, I sat at the other end of the table.
At night, I locked my door.
But how was I supposed to lock my heart?
…
“Do I need to find you a teapot?” Leah asked the next morning, sitting down next to me in a small courtyard outside our hotel. The morning was clear and crisp, in the low fifties. It would only get colder as we headed up to today’s higher elevations. Base camp ran around freezing this time of year. I leaned against my pack, mentally preparing myself for the day. The pavement beneath our feet was made of broken cobblestones, and the colored flags waving above our heads had the same vibrancy as the blanket we rested on, the same as the temple we’d visited yesterday. I’d taken hundreds of pictures, tried to absorb every detail about the small village that was the gateway to Everest.
“I do not need a teapot,” I promised. “Besides, we agreed that those were for after we got through hot water. I’m still steeping in mine.”
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and curled her legs under her. “I bought you one in Istanbul. Figured it would be for having to stay behind when you got sick. But I think this might be more appropriate.”
I really looked at my best friend, the healthy color to her cheeks, the smile she was quick to show, the fact that she only had her legs covered because it was fifty degrees up here and not because she was scared of what anyone thought of her scars. It had taken a lot of teapots to get her here—too many times I wasn’t sure she was going to pull free of the depression that had held her under when her high school boyfriend died.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” I told her. “Really and truly. What you and Wilder have…” I shook my head. “It’s precious.”
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “I want you to be happy, too. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be here around Landon, but I can tell that you’re not happy.”
“Happy is a relative term,” I said with a forced smile. I could put up with Landon—with the rending of my heart—if it meant Leah stayed here with Wilder.
“Stop. Stop faking it. Stop telling me you’re fine and agreeing to stuff you don’t want to do because you think it’s what I need. You don’t have to take care of me anymore. I’m okay. I need you to focus on you. Be honest with me.”
As if they were a physical thing, I felt my defenses slide away. Leah and I were too close for me to lie. “I think you were right. I’m not sure I ever got over him.”
“I know,” she said softly. “You were so busy taking care of me that I don’t think you ever really stopped to process what happened. He left, and within weeks we were at Dartmouth and you went from full-time heartbreak to full-time caregiver.” Her forehead puckered. “That was a lot to ask of you.”
“Never.” I covered her hand with my own. “You are my best friend, and the only good thing to come out of what happened with Landon. Maybe it was all supposed to be this way. Maybe he was supposed to leave me so I could find you and you could find Wilder. Maybe it’s all part of some big cosmic plan.”
“Or maybe…” She looked away.
“Maybe what?”
Her nose crinkled. “Don’t kill me, okay? Maybe you’re supposed to be here—with Landon. I’m not saying you have to be with him, or have to give him another chance. I just think that this guy really hurt you, and I hate him for it, but I’ve also gotten to know him over the last few months, and the same things that are broken in you are broken in him, too.”
“His dick seems to work just fine.”
“Yeah, well, I think that’s just a form of self-medication.”
I raised my eyebrows at her.
“I didn’t say I agreed with it. Look, you have five days with him—no class and no distractions. Maybe you stop letting him leave, stop running away, stop protecting yourself. Maybe you use this time to either put him in your past…” She shrugged.
My eyes narrowed. “Or…”
“Or maybe see if there’s a future.”
“Leah,” I growled. She of all people knew what he’d done, the condition I’d been in when we met.
“Oh, look, there’s Pax!” she said in overexcitement as Wilder appeared.
“Coward,” I whispered.
“Just pushing you the way you pushed me,” she said as she stood. “Whether or not you are willing to admit it, this is what you need.”
I pouted as my best friend walked off with the love of her life, no doubt to go have another of the extended make-out sessions they were always caught in the middle of.
Okay, maybe I envied that—not Wilder, of course, but the connection. The ability to touch someone you loved, hold them, know that you were more than a physical gratification.
I looked up at the bright blue sky and wished it wasn’t Landon’s face, Landon’s body, Landon’s touch that came to mind when I pictured that feeling. I knew Leah was right just as certainly as I knew that I’d never gotten over Landon.
But letting him in was easier said than done.
My instincts warred with each other the moment I saw him, my fight-or-flight response kicking in. But maybe it really was time to see what emotions were under those instincts, if I could manage to shut them down long enough to see.
“You ready to go, Rachel?” Little John asked from the doorway.
“I think I am,” I answered, gaining my feet.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we walked toward where the others had gathered. Penna stood between Gabe and Alex, her crutches bracing her weight. Bobby directed the camera guy, who I’d learned last night was named Mike, while Wilder, Leah, and Landon talked to a group of Sherpas.
“How you doing with that one? No bullshitting.”
“Do you believe in the curse?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He stopped before we got to the group and looked down at me. “The one about you?”
“Yeah.”
“No. I was there. When he came back…” He glanced over to where Landon stood. “He was destroyed, like one of those Jenga towers. Too many of his pieces were missing. He wasn’t stable, he wasn’t focused, and he wasn’t safe. It wasn’t because of you, Rachel. It was because of what he did to you, the parts of himself that he left behind. I don’t think any of us realized the extent of what he felt about you until he turned into this shell. You are not a curse. You were his compass, his North Star, his constant. And then you were gone.”
“And now?”
“Now that’s up to you two.”
I sighed. “Let’s just get him through Nepal alive, shall we?”
“You’re here. I’m the least worried I’ve ever been about him. Well, not for his safety, since I’m pretty sure he should hide sharp objects around you, but he’s more himself. Plus, I haven’t seen any girls—”
“You’re blushing,” I said, laughing. There was something about a six-foot-five, three-hundred-pound guy turning red like a schoolgirl that had me in stitches.
“Yeah, yeah. Shut up.”
Landon turned as I approached, a soft smile playing across his face. “Good morning. Did you get enough to eat?”
“I’m good, thank you for asking.”
His eyes narrowed slightly. “Feeling okay?”
I almost laughed again at his skepticism. Maybe burying the anger hatchet would be more fun than I initially thought. “Just peachy. We ready for a little hike?”
He nodded slowly. “Do you have everything you need? This is the last place to pick anything up.”
I tugged on the straps of my framed pack, thankful Mom had suggested I take it, and the sturdy hiking boots, and my thick Patagonia cold gear. Okay, I was just grateful my mother was a ten on the worrywart scale.
Damn, I was going to have to admit that to her at some point.
I’d purchased the rest of my gear in Kathmandu.
“I’m good to go. It’s a six-hour hike today, right?”
“Yes, miss,” one of the Sherpas answered. “We will take you to Namche Bazaar.”
“Rachel, this is Tashi, one of our guides,” Landon introduced us, stepping closer to my side.
I met the others in turn, instantly enchanted by their easy smiles. We said our good-byes to Penna, Little John, and Bobby, who took a helicopter to our next destination. Wilder asked Leah if she wanted to go with them, but she insisted she could make the hike.
What a hike it was—six miles of some of the most gorgeous scenery I’d ever been privileged to capture. My camera clicked so often that I high-fived myself for remembering two extra batteries and data cards. I knew we were doing it for the exercise and acclimation to altitude, but I loved it all the same.
We passed through valleys where we crossed flag-adorned rope bridges over rushing rivers, the blue of the water standing out like a beacon through the greenery.
“Want to wiggle?” Landon asked, moving his eyebrows as both his hands closed around the ropes.
“Don’t even think about it,” I told him sternly but couldn’t hide my smile.
He laughed, threatening to rock the bridge as I walked toward him. For every step I took, he backed up one.
“Seriously? You know I can take you, right?” I asked.
“I can handle a little thing like you,” he countered.
“Knock your shit off. If anything happens to Leah on this thing because you’re goofing off, I’ll destroy you,” Wilder threatened from behind me.
“Joy killer!” Landon called back. One more grin and he turned around to follow our guides, leaving me laughing and staring at his incredible ass. What was it about those cargo pants that showcased him perfectly?
Look all you want now—soon he’ll be covered up in snow gear.
The trail was worn but still rugged, and when I struggled over a boulder, my lack of height getting in the way, Landon lifted me, his touch lingering for the smallest second after. Some areas were like hiking through any other forest, but the higher we climbed, the more the vegetation spread out and the landscape was revealed. The trail switched back half a dozen times, and when we crossed the highest bridge, it was empowering to look down a thousand feet at the one we’d crossed this morning.
As we stopped for lunch, Landon made sure we were under shade to get me out of the sun. I shared one of my very rationed strawberry Pop-Tarts with him.
“Really?” he asked, taking the overpreserved pastry from my hand. “You love these things.”
“Yeah, I do,” I answered with a smile.
“In that case…” He leaned over me, reaching for the other Pop-Tart, and knocked me backward onto the leaf-covered ground.
“Hell no!” I said, laughing as I rolled away.
He sat up and took a bite of the Pop-Tart as I brushed the dirt off my shirt. “See if I share with you again.”
“I just wanted to make sure you were still Rachel and hadn’t been taken by body snatchers.”
Then he winked.
No, no, no… That sweetness that had invaded my chest all day slipped farther down, igniting an ache that I knew only Landon could fully sate. Trying to shake it off, I half smiled and then devoured my Pop-Tart.
The problem with burying the anger hatchet with Landon was it only left the insane attraction I had toward him. There was a reason we’d always collided, a force that had drawn us together stronger than sex or love…it was something intangible that I could never describe—or find in another person.
Only Landon.
Anger was safe. It kept me protected. Dropping that weapon from my arsenal left me vulnerable, and I knew that warmth rushing through me wasn’t from the sun shining overhead.
We made it to Namche Bazaar in time for dinner. The small village was high in the mountains but beneath the tree line and populated enough to have several lodges along the wide, winding dirt streets. The buildings were all stone, most of the color supplied by the flags that draped across streets and the tourists there to stock up before pushing the rest of the way to Everest. The air had turned sharp; I’d have to get my winter gear out tonight for the trip tomorrow.
“We have to leave first thing in the morning if you want to see the Everest base camp,” Landon said after dinner, walking me along the outside of the inn to the room I shared with Penna.
“Sounds good,” I responded as we approached my door. My hand lingered on the rustic handle, and for the first time since I’d found out he was on board, I wasn’t using every possible excuse to get away from him—because I didn’t want to.
“Rachel…” he said softly, putting his hand just above mine.
I turned my head but didn’t speak, afraid of what I would say. Afraid that I would tell him how hurt I still was over what he’d done, but terrified I’d tell him that I wanted him anyway.
Stupid girl.
“I’m really glad you came. I never dreamed I’d get the chance to have you here for this, but now that you are, I can’t imagine doing this without you.”
I did what I did best when it came to Landon—forced a smile, tucked, and ran.
…
Using Everest base camp as our launching point, we took helicopters the rest of the way up to advanced camp the next day. I wished we’d had the extra day to acclimatize and hike the rest of the way, but it just wasn’t in the schedule. Landon was shoving a monthlong trip into just shy of ten days.
This place had been called the throne room of the gods, and now, being here, I understood it perfectly. No mortal was meant to survive here for long. Jagged peaks rose above us, Everest being the most daunting of all.
There was a thin layer of snow on the ground here, the harbinger of an approaching winter, but I knew it would only be deeper farther up the ridge.
I hid out while the Sherpas showed Landon the camp. Watched from a distance as he explored the base of the snowy ridgeline.
I sighed with relief when the tents were set up and I could duck beneath the cool exterior of my bright orange North Face shield.
“You’re hiding,” Leah accused as she came in next to me, arranging her sleeping bag in what we’d dubbed the girls’ tent.
“Am not,” I objected. “I’m acclimatizing in private.”
“You’re hiding,” she said again.
“How’s it going out there?” I asked, playing with the zipper on my parka. The temp was a balmy twenty-two, but I knew it would dip once the sun set.
“Weather’s moving in. They say it’s supposed to be a quick storm, though.”
If there was one thing that didn’t give me warm fuzzies, it was hearing the term “storm” sitting at eighteen thousand feet in the Himalayas.
As if he needed to confirm my worst fear, Wilder invaded our tent. When he didn’t bother making goo-goo eyes at Leah, I knew something was wrong.
“What is it?” she asked.
“It’s going to be bad,” he said, his face hardening. “I need to send the chopper back down. It can’t take this beating, and I want you on it.”
“No,” she answered. “Penna needs to go. Her leg will swell at this altitude. Get her down.”
His jaw flexed. “Fine, but you go with.”
“No,” she said again, surprising me with the force behind her voice. “Penna will need help. You have to send Little John.”
“I…” He shook his head. “With the weight limit on the bird, he’s two people.”
“Okay, then you send Penna, Little John, and Little John,” she answered.
Wilder swung his gaze at me with a plea in his eyes.
“Don’t look at me. You’re the one who made her all mouthy. She was docile as a lamb when I sent her to you.”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Fine. But you’re bunking with me.”
“But Rachel will be all alone!” Leah protested.
“Trust me, I’m happily alone. Very alone. Solo. Single. Glad to have some me time,” I responded.
Leah pouted and swore but finally agreed.
I didn’t know how badly I would regret that decision until the snow started to fall and the temperature dropped.
Then I was really alone.
Really solo. Single.
And super fucking cold.
