I paced the great hall of Castle McRae, wringing my hands and wearing lines in the flagstones.
Da, my brother, Cameron, and Lochinvar were stranded on a mountain. There had been no let-up in the weather and no end in sight for their rescue.
Max was hurt.
They were all at risk.
Fierce anxiety controlled my steps. An awful pain tore at my chest, the pressure shredding me from the inside.
“Caitriona?” Ma joined me and took my arms, stalling my movements. “Come sit for a moment. You’re pale.”
“I can’t stop panicking.”
She examined my features then led me to a chair. Hours ago, before the situation had worsened, Ma and I had put Isla to bed together in the kids’ bedroom. Already cued on what I’d needed to say, I’d slipped in that Scarlet was technically my stepmother, but that family wasn’t defined by blood.
The wee lass had taken it in her stride. She’d stared at me as if wanting to ask something but settled on reminding me her da would need that slice of birthday cake once he finally got home. She’d gone to sleep easily, settled by words of comfort about her father’s return.
I could no longer believe them.
I’d held her hand and hid my rising fear deep inside.
Now, it poured out.
It had been too long. Dangerous evening had turned to bitter night. Survival in these conditions became perilous.
What if Lochinvar never came home?
We’d had such a wonderful day, too, despite the call-out. But as the night wore on, the more my desperation rose.
With a murmur about making tea, Ma vanished to the kitchen.
I peered around the room. My aunts, Mathilda and Taylor, sat together, talking quietly. In a corner, Maddock, home for winter break, waited in an armchair, unspeaking but here all the same. Uncle Callum had gone to the hangar, and a few others buzzed back and forth.
Scarlet returned with a steaming mug and cosied up beside me. “Here. Drink this.”
“Why am I the only one freaking out?”
Ma tilted her head. “What exactly are ye worried about? Your brother?”
“All of them. That they won’t make it off the mountain.”
“I’m worried about Max, too, but mainly because I know he’ll be a terror with his arm in a cast and nothing to do. As for the rest of it, in the past few years, your da has been caught out overnight twice. It happens, and they’re equipped to withstand these conditions. It’s a matter of when, not if, they’ll come home. Look at Taylor. You know how precious your cousin Cameron is to her, and she’s handling it. They’ll be okay.”
Shame stole over me. Truthfully, Max and Da had barely crossed my mind. I somehow knew they’d be safe.
I raised my fingers, staring at how they trembled. “I know. I don’t understand why I’m like this.”
“Don’t you?” Ma took my hand in hers and chafed warmth back into it. “I don’t mean to pry, but is there something going on between ye and Lochinvar?”
I swallowed around a lump in my throat, no ready answer available. I wasn’t about to admit a sex-only deal to my mother, but was that the extent of it?
“There is,” I said, my voice tiny. “I don’t think I can describe exactly what.”
“You care about him.”
“I do.”
Understanding poured into her soft smile. “Good.”
It wasn’t good. This was terrible. As a teenager, I’d stood in this very place and smiled at my cousins falling in love, or talking about their crushes. I’d put on a brave face, and in time, that had become real. Now, I hated myself.
I couldn’t develop feelings for Lochinvar. What sort of tragic mess did that make me? He was leaving soon, and even if he found a way to stay, what kind of half-formed relationship could I give him?
Me, the woman who could never fall in love.
I was a joke.
Then there was the look Isla had given me. I was almost certain she’d been about to ask if I could be her ma. If she had…
God, I’d done a terrible thing.
I’d allowed her close. Encouraged her to trust and rely on me. If she cared for me, I’d hurt her, a child, an innocent. She wouldn’t get over me so easily as her father could.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I scanned the screen.
Viola: I’ve just got back from tonight’s concert. Oh man, it was such fun. Leo had the whole venue serenading our bairn. But I have bad news. We’re not going to make it home for Christmas. Leo has gigs close together, and the travel makes it impossible. Can you come to see me? Maybe take a couple of days off this week? We’re in Berlin on Thursday so it’ll be easy travel. I miss you so hard!
She obviously hadn’t heard about the rescue yet. How could other people be carrying on with their lives while this was going on? Except her offer trickled into my consciousness. It would be the perfect antidote from my other looming date on the horizon.
Earlier today, I’d checked my email to find a message from the fertility clinic. My request for a cancellation had come through. Finally, I had an appointment, on Thursday morning. But the excitement of it hadn’t touched me, busy as I had been with Isla and then with increasing worry for her da.
Normal life couldn’t progress until this was resolved.
I could barely breathe.
Across the hall, Mathilda’s landline phone rang. She answered it with a finger to her ear.
I stood, grabbing Ma’s arm. My heart pounded.
My aunt listened carefully, then her shoulders lowered and she exhaled. “Thank God. They’re coming home. The last man has been winched onto the helicopter and they are off the mountain. They’re safe.”
Sighs of relief sounded around the great hall. Maddock leapt to his feet and stormed out.
I let out a small gasp tinged with pain, then sank to my seat. Ma said something I didn’t catch over the blood rushing in my ears.
This couldn’t continue. The mess I’d gotten myself into would only hurt everyone involved.
It had to stop.
