13 Years Ago
“Are you sure you want me to leave? You know I can stay a couple more days…”
That typical ‘Are you kidding me?’ expression takes over my father’s face as we step out to his front porch. “Yes, for the hundredth time, I swear I’m going to be just fine. You deserve to go out there and live your life too, Son. You’ve taken care of me enough. You haven’t been home in three weeks.”
I push the strap of my duffle bag higher up my shoulder. “It’s been two weeks, Dad.”
“Same thing.” He chuckles. “I know you want to take care of me, but I’ll be fine. Your mother is right here with me. I’ve defeated it before, I’ll do it again. Believe me, Santo.”
It’s back.
Cancer. Thyroid cancer.
My gaze falls to that thin fine line across the base of my father’s neck… the surgery he underwent years ago was successful, but nothing in life is certain. Fate can fuck with you. It can fuck with you hard until you’re left with nothing but fragments of the man you were before.
I need to stare into his light blue eyes a little longer, just to tell myself I’m still alive. That he’ll make it through this. That I need to trust God. There are so many thoughts circling my mind, those of losing him, those of what it will do to my mother, Nonna, and me.
I can’t lose him.
My heart spasms at the sorrow in my father’s eyes when he reaches out and squeezes my shoulders. He’s compressed the fear for so long, not wanting us to see he’s suffering, but right now when it’s just me, the façade is stripped, and I see it. He’s a man of a few words, but the ones he does say… they mean the world.
My father has taught me a lot in my twenty-three years, the most important being no matter how tough and strong you may be, don’t let vulnerability hold you back and love until you can no more. I’m so in tune with my fucking emotions because of him. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and if I can be a fraction of the man he is, I’ll be happy.
Despite staying with my parents for the past two weeks while my father began his treatment, I was ready to prolong my stay. Anything my father needs, he knows I’m right there for him. But as much as he’s a loveable man, he’s stubborn. He doesn’t like being treated special and he doesn’t like saying something twice. Which is why I know he’ll decline every single loophole if I tell him I’m more than happy to stay another week and help him around while my mother goes between work, taking care of him and his mother—my nonna.
Pulling my father into a tight embrace, I hold on to him as if this is the last time. The doctors said the chances are on his side, but with the universe… you never truly know.
“Don’t worry, son, I’m not going anywhere,” my father whispers, his voice breaking at the last words. “Why don’t you bring over this girl you’ve been seeing to Sunday roast this weekend? I think it’s time for her to meet the family.”
I chuckle as we step away from each other. “God, you’re the third person who told me that today. Mom and Nonna want to meet her and introduce her to the family too.”
“Well, now you have to…” My father throws me a wink. “You can’t upset Nonna, not unless you want her to hit you with a broom again like she did when you ate half of the meatballs she made one Christmas before the guests arrived. How the fuck did you eat half of them anyway?”
“I was eight! To be honest, I would do it all over again.”
“I’m sure your girl would love to hear all those stories.”
I smile, my heart warming at the thought of spending Sunday roast together as one big family. “I’ll be sure to ask Lea.”
“No, us Liscontis don’t ask, we do. I want to meet this Lea and want to know how exactly she handles you. It’ll make me happy to finally meet the mystery woman after all these months, you secretive son of a bitch. Okay?”
Smirking, I throw my head back in laughter. “Oh, so are you the bitch then?”
“For fuck’s sake, Santo!” Warm laughter escapes my father, and it makes me so happy to see him so content with those long dimples and deepening crow’s feet. He hasn’t laughed this hard in weeks. Not since the diagnosis. As he settles down, he wipes away happy tears and smiles. “Just promise me I’ll meet Lea before…”
He stops himself because I know exactly what’s on the tip of his tongue.
Before it’s too late.
I swallow thickly.
Just promise me I’ll meet Lea before… it’s too late.
I glance away, easing my blurring vision as I take in the warm Santo Rosa breeze and the long green leaves on the street trees that softly sway in harmony. Breathe. Turning back to my father, I flash him my bravest smile, but the sigh that follows is a dead giveaway to how I’m really feeling. I’m breaking inside and he knows it.
“I promise, papà.” I nod, ready to do everything if it means making him proud.
“SANTO!!!” Alexis grins, her cute little feet rushing up to me across the park. She’s wearing the pretty pink polka-dot dress I bought her last month and I can’t get over how adorable she looks with those pigtails and white ribbons.
As she nears, I pick her up, loving her cute squeals as I spin her around mid-embrace. I can’t believe she’s three and I’ve known her for almost a full year now.
“There’s my favorite girl!” I smile, softly kissing her forehead.
“That’s me!” Alexis giggles, her big brown eyes forming small slits as she smiles even wider. Wrapping her arms around my neck, she pulls me in tighter and plants a big, sloppy kiss on my cheek before screaming in my ear, “I MISSED YOU!”
The laughter that escapes purifies me. It has me forgetting all the shit in my life and my father’s diagnosis. It has me just focusing on the present and everything I do have versus all that I don’t.
“I missed you too, but I’m here now, gioia!”
“Yay!”
I set Alexis on my hip, my heart skipping a beat at Lea, who’s finally caught up to her daughter. Setting down her bag on the wooden park bench, Lea flashes me her brightest smile. Her silky blonde hair is up in a high ponytail, and she sports that denim romper she knows I adore. I haven’t seen my girlfriend and her baby girl in a couple of weeks because I wanted to be by my father’s side in case he needed anything. But seeing them right now refuels me with life. It’s as if they’re my very breath. Exactly what I need to put me back together.
“Welcome home, baby,” Lea murmurs, her hand running up my white button-up shirt. “Two weeks feels like a year without you.”
My lips meet hers in a quick peck and a smirk floods my lips when I cup her jaw with my free hand. “You’re telling me…”
Lea grins and her light green eyes meet mine, but before she can say anything, Alexis cuts in. “Am I going to have a baby sister or brother now?”
Lea laughs, covering her flustered face.
“Someone’s blushing.” I wink before glancing to meet Alexis’s eyes as she starts bouncing up and down in excitement in my hold. Taking Alexis’s hands in mine, I smile. “A baby sister or brother? What are you talking about, gioia?”
“Well, Mommy said that if you really love somebody, you give them a special hug and kiss at the same time, and then”—she points her finger to Lea’s flat stomach—“then there’s a baby sister in there.”
I glance up at Lea, amused, trying my best to conceal my smirk when my brows rise. “Oh. Is that so, Mamacita?”
Lea can’t even scowl at me for a full five seconds, that’s how hard she’s laughing. Some parents at the park we’re at even glance toward us, but hell if we care. “Well, Alexis asked me the other day how babies are made and that’s what I explained to her…” Lea says and cutely taps her daughter’s nose. “No, baby. Mommy didn’t give Santo that special kiss right now.”
“But it looked special to me!”
“Because your mommy is one special woman,” I say.
“Awww! You gotta marry my mommy.”
Before I can say anything, Lea lets out a nervous laugh. “Okay, I think that’s enough with the questions, sweetheart.”
Alexis pouts and turns to me. “But I want a baby sister! Pleaseee!”
Lea seems as though she’d rather be talking about anything else but this, and as amusing as this is to me, I know I need to save her sweet ass. Smiling, I crouch down and set Alexis on the ground. She instantly clasps her hand in mine, squeezing it tightly in comfort, and it makes me so happy that she trusts and accepts me so much.
Lea and I may have only been together for the past few months since the start of the year, but it feels like an entire lifetime. I’m not Alexis Goldberg’s biological father, but it’s been so special being able to give her every opportunity there is to at least be a friend and for her to know I’ll always be there for her, whenever she needs me, unlike her deadbeat father.
Michael Goldberg told Lea he wanted nothing to do with the baby when she announced she was pregnant. Lea was crushed and left him. She’s been so brave setting up this new life with her now three-year-old. I feel fortunate that I met Lea when I did. It was my final month of college at Stanford and one single conversation in line at a local Santa Rosa coffee shop was all it took for a spark to catch alight between us, and it hasn’t been doused since.
I love how wild Lea is, how she’s a little edgy like me and a true rock chic at heart. I thought my reckless heart wouldn’t be able to be tamed enough to actually dive into a relationship that wasn’t simply casual, but with Lea it’s different. This isn’t only about her, it’s about her daughter Alexis too. She’s the most important thing.
Growing up, I’ve never wanted kids, but the second I met Alexis for the first time and Lea placed her in my arms, I fucking melted right there and then. Alexis was the cutest little thing—still is—and all I wanted to do from that moment forth was to protect her from this bittersweet world.
“Santooo! I want a baby sister! Pleaseee!” Alexis’s squeal brings me back to reality. She lets out a giggle, her hands resting on my cheeks, over my dark stubble, and pulls on my tight skin to make all these funny faces. “Say yesss!”
“How about a baby kitten or puppy instead?”
“Noooooo!”
“Yesssss!” I chuckle. I pull her closer and she bursts out in historical laughter as I tickle her sides. “I’ll buy you any pet you want, and we can make it live in our house.”
Mid-laughter, Alexis shakes her head before she freezes and lets out a big gasp. “A BUNNY! Yes, I wanna bunnyyyyyy!”
“Okay, I’ll buy you a bunny and you can name it baby sister.” I bite my lip to stop the laughter.
“NOOOO!” She giggles. “I wanna baby sister and a bunny, pleaseee!”
“See what you did, Santo…” Lea smirks down at us, a sassy hand on her hip. “Now she wants both.”
“Well, I guess it’s up to Mommy to decide.” I wink.
Alexis starts jumping up and down. “Please, Mommy! A bunny!”
Lea smiles. “Maybe in a couple of years when you’re bigger and are old enough to actually take care of a pet.”
Alexis pouts with puppy eyes and hugs me. “But Santo said he’ll buy me one!”
“He will, but when you’re older.”
“Fine.” She sighs.
I lighten up Alexis’s mood with an offer to buy her some ice cream as a treat after she spends some time on the playground. Her face instantly brightens to pure joy again and she agrees.
“Want me to push you on the swing? Or will you play on the playground first?” I ask.
“Playground first and then the swing!”
“Okay, bella. And remember, if any child comes up to you and causes trouble, you show them your knuckles.”
Lea gasps, shaking her head with a soft smile. “No, Lexi, no knuckles.”
“Yes, knuckles!” A mischievous smile works up Alexis’s lips as she shows me her knuckles and we fist pump before she’s skipping away.
“You’re a bad influence, mister,” Lea purrs as I stand to my full six-foot-two frame again.
“For you I am.”
“Nah, ah. You’re bad.”
Smirking, I wrap my arms around her waist and flush our bodies together. “Ooo, is that so, Ms. Special Kiss?”
“It wasn’t supposed to backfire like that.”
I wink and kiss her forehead. “Don’t worry, I’ll make up for it tonight.” I trail my lips down to her ear. “My specialties are special hugs and kisses.”
Lea laughs. “Shut up, Santo.”
“That’s not what you’ll tell me tonight.”
“We’re in a playground!”
“I love it when you’re nervous.”
Lea cups my jaw and whispers, “You’re so bad for my ego.”
I take her hand and we sit down on the wooden bench. It’s the perfect spot to supervise Alexis at the playground as she plays with the other kids at the slide and all the little obstacle courses. Further on, a few families are having picnics on the perfectly green grass, evergreen trees aligning the perimeter of the park.
It’s a five-minute walk from my beach house near Stinson Beach and a place we usually come to. It was fortunate enough that Stinson Beach—where I was already currently living prior to meeting Lea—is such a diverse and beautiful community with easy living and friendly reputation that attracts many young families with kids. Even though we were our own kind of little family, I knew Alexis would love it here.
“How’s your father doing?” Lea asks.
“As good as he can be. I offered to stay a few more days, but he practically forced me to leave. He’s a strong man. A fighter. I only hope he’ll pull through.”
“He will. I honestly believe it, Santo.”
“I hope so too. Sometimes I just wonder how I’d feel if I were in his shoes. It’s already hard enough for me and my family as it is. I just can’t imagine what’s going through his head.”
“I know but thinking those thoughts won’t do you any good. The doctors said his chances are high and they wouldn’t give you that hope if they didn’t believe it. All you need is a little faith.”
“Faith came to me the day I met you, Lea.”
Lea shoots me a sad smile, resting her head on my shoulder as I pull her closer to me on the bench. The gloom of the reality of my world lightens up at the sight of Alexis on the playground. She’s at the top of the bright red slide and pulls a funny face when she catches us looking. We wave at her, and she grins back. She’s such a happy girl.
“I’d love for you and Lexi to come to Sunday roast this week,” I say after a while. “My family is going to be there, and they’d really love to finally meet you both. Plus, the fact that they haven’t met you yet has them thinking I’m making you up.”
“I’d like that.” Lea nods into my neck. “I’d also like to start a family with you one day.”
The thought warms my heart. My own family.
“We’re already a little family.”
“I know, but I’d love for Alexis to be a big sister one day.”
“Ohhh.” I smirk down at her. “So, all of that baby sister or brother thing wasn’t total bull on your part, hmm?”
Lea playfully shoves my chest. “I’m not pregnant. if that’s what you’re thinking. I just think in a couple years when Alexis is a little older… maybe we could open up the conversation.”
“I’d love that,” I tell her truthfully, threading my fingers through hers.
We rest our foreheads together and Lea grins as I hold her tighter. “Me too.”
Nothing feels better than having my entire world in my arms. I never expected to feel this much so soon with Lea. I never expected to want to live this crazy life by somebody’s side. But the moment Lea and Alexis stepped into my life… everything changed for the better.
Everything is better right now, so much fucking better, which is why I never expected our love to turn so bittersweet so soon after that day at the park…
