The past two weeks have been anything but easy. Knowing that London is right next door and I can’t go to her, I can’t reach out to her. I refuse to until I have something to show her for all the work I’ve been putting in on myself.
The shop has been keeping me busy during the day and I’ve been working longer shifts to ease some of the burden from Miss Nancy. The poor, old woman needs some kind of a break even if she does love working there. I also need something to keep me busy in the evenings to refrain from running over to London.
I’ve seen her in passing, but I’ve made sure to keep my distance. We haven’t even exchanged any words… just a simple wave here or there. It feels weird, knowing that I’ve been inside her, that she’s inside my heart, and I can’t allow myself to talk to her right now. She wants me to show her that I’m serious and that I want to turn my life around for the better.
So, I’m over here growing by myself so I can be what she needs.
As I pull up to IceWorks, there’s a weird feeling that floods me. Almost like a mixture of anxiety and worry. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but it’s a little unsettling. After Mr. Davis came into the store and handed me his business card, I was fairly dismissive of it.
Why the hell would I want to be a coach? Sure, I love ice hockey. I lived and breathed the damn sport at one point in my life. I thought it was going to be my entire life, but the universe had other plans for me. After losing it all, I never thought I would step foot in another rink again.
I had no desire to. It was almost like having PTSD in a sense. Just the feeling of the cold air surrounding me. The musty smell of hockey equipment. The burn in your lungs when you inhale the cool air. In a sense, it feels like coming home… but my house had already burned to the ground.
It seems counterintuitive. I can no longer play hockey, so I never once considered coaching anyone. The thought of putting on ice skates scares the shit out of me. In a sense, it is like riding a bike. It’s just a skill you don’t simply lose… unless you physically can’t meet the demands of it anymore.
I have no idea whether or not my knee would hold out if I attempt to skate. That’s part of the reason why I haven’t done it in the past two years. If I were to go out and find out that I legitimately can never skate again, that would open up a whole world of problems in my brain. And it would only solidify the fact that it is completely over for me.
I tell the girl who is standing at the front desk at the rink that I have a meeting with Mr. Davis. He’s in the middle of a phone conference so she sends me through the doors to wait for him. There’s an open hockey session going on and I find myself wandering closer to the glass.
A wave of pain passes through me as my senses consume everything going on around me. The sounds of skates sliding across the ice, sticks slapping the pucks. The ding sound as a puck smacks the pole of the goal. The cold air I inhale deeply into my lungs. My eyelids flutter shut and for a moment, I let myself drift back into the past. Back to when I would have been on the opposite side of the glass than to where I am right now.
“Hey, Vaughn,” Mr. Davis’s voice breaks through my trance. Opening my eyes, I turn around to face him and promptly shake his hand. “Sorry, my phone conference ran a little later than expected. Thanks for coming to meet with me again.”
“Of course,” I nod politely. Mr. Davis leads the way back to his office and shuts the door behind me as I walk inside. I take a seat opposite of his desk as he sits behind the massive piece made of oak.
“You know, I have to be honest with you,” he says, a smile playing on his lips. “I wasn’t so sure you would show up last week after you called me.”
“Why’s that?”
He stares at me for a moment. “I can’t imagine any of this is easy for you and when I talked to you at your shop, you didn’t seem completely open to the idea of coaching. I’m really glad you were able to come and discuss things with me last week to see what it was all about. Have you thought any more about it?”
I swallow roughly as I nod. “Yeah, I’ve thought a lot about it.”
It wasn’t my first choice of what I wanted to do with my life, but after everything that happened with London, I knew it was the only option I had. And maybe, if my leg doesn’t disappoint me, it would bring me some sense of joy in life. Being able to help kids who could benefit from my skill and knowledge… I don’t know. I’m just trying to figure shit out here.
“And? Do you think we’ll be signing you on as a coach for the next season?” Mr. Davis doesn’t tiptoe or beat around the bush. He’s straightforward and direct. I like it and appreciate it, rather than him trying to bullshit me.
“I have just one reservation,” I admit, my voice quiet. It’s not something I want to speak out loud, but it’s something he deserves to know the truth about. “I’m afraid my knee might not hold up enough for me to be able to skate well or do drills.”
Mr. Davis tilts his head to the side as he continues to assess me. “Have you been on the ice yet? I know when I first met you at the lake you had mentioned you haven’t been on in two years. Did you get the chance to see how your leg was holding up?”
I shake my head at him. “I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I’ve been working on the exercises my physical therapist recommended I do at home to strengthen the other muscles that can support it. I just don’t know…”
“Well, you’re not going to know until you try,” he tells me with no judgement in his voice. Just a solid declaration, in which he says it so nonchalantly. “Why don’t you come to one of our public skates? Go out and see how it feels. If you don’t feel like your leg is sturdy enough, we can always find some off-ice things for you to do with the kids.”
I stare at him for a moment. “I don’t understand why you want me so badly. I’m just a washed-up ex-college player. There’s nothing impressive about what happened. Sure, I was a huge prospect, but I never got the chance to fully prove myself.”
“That’s not true and you know it,” he argues, leaning forward as he rests his arms on his desk. “You didn’t have to go pro to show the entire country how good of a player you were. Everyone had eyes on you, from all around. You were extremely talented and even though you can’t play anymore, I would hate to see that talent go to waste.”
In this moment, I know exactly what I need to do. I’ve tried to avoid anything hockey related for so long, but this is my calling. It always has been. And maybe my future and my career doesn’t look like what I had once imagined it to look like. That’s the beauty in life, though. Things change, plans have to be flexible. My life and my future aren’t over… they never were.
I never would have realized that if it weren’t for London, pushing and guiding me in the right direction.
“You know what, Mr. Davis…” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Please, call me Gill.”
I smile and nod. “Sorry, Gill,” I apologize before continuing from where I left off. “I would be honored to be able to coach this season. You put me wherever you need me and I will make it work.”
His lips curve upward into a smile and he raises an eyebrow at me in question. “What about your reservations with skating?”
I shrug dismissively. “You need me, these kids need me, so I will find a way to make it work. Even if it doesn’t go well for me at first, I will just reteach myself.”
“I told you, Vaughn. If the skating is too much, we can always have you doing off-ice things with them or low intensity training on the ice, or if skating isn’t the problem but the drills are. Just your knowledge will be so beneficial for these kids. You’re going to be like a celebrity to them.”
A chuckle rumbles in my chest. “I doubt that. They’re kids, I don’t know how much they really follow college hockey.”
“Just wait and see. These kids will surprise you with how much they actually know. And even if they don’t, as soon as they hear your background, they’re going to worship the ground you walk on.”
I shake my head at Gill. “I don’t need them worshipping me.”
“I also wanted to let you know that this is a paid position. I know most youth coaching is by a volunteer position, but we’d like to have you jumping around to help with other aspects we might need with other kids. Like I said, you’re valuable and we can afford to pay you a nice salary for coming on with us.”
I stare back at him in shock. It’s not often that youth coaching pays, unless you are a skilled trainer with a lot to offer. And I suppose maybe that is how Gill views me, even if I don’t see myself in the same light. There’s a part of me that is opening up to the idea, the same thing that London told me.
My self-worth has been so low for so long, I forgot what it looked like to value myself. There’s a shift inside my soul and I can feel the transformation happening. Between London and Gill and the kids here at the rink… I’m not the piece of shit I thought I was.
Here, I can make a real difference. My real, true purpose and meaning in life.
“I’ll check the schedule for the next public skate and I will make sure that I am here,” I tell Gill with conviction. “If there is anything you need help with over the summer, let me know.”
Gill smiles at me as he rises to his feet and shakes my hand once more. “You just worry about getting that leg into working condition for the season. I’ll be in touch over the next few weeks if anything else comes up. We have some clinics next month, so I might take you up on that offer.”
“Perfect.” I smile at him and this time, it’s a genuine smile. It feels a little foreign, but I’m allowing myself to feel the positives. The negatives are always so loud, but they don’t have to be. This is a step in the right direction. This is a position I can actually see myself fulfilling and having it simultaneously fulfill me.
Now, I just need to get back on the ice…
And then get my girl back.
