Heather must say something to our parents after I tell her what happened, because the night after my breakup with Noah, they call and ask if I’d like to come to Boulder and spend some time at home.
At first, I tell them that I’m fine, that I just need to be alone, but the longer I sit in my apartment, staring at all the stuff Noah sent me while I was sick and going over the fight we had in front of his building again and again, the more I realize I actually shouldn’t be on my own right now.
So I pack up my car and head their way, and end up falling asleep in my old bedroom—which is no longer full of exercise equipment—shortly after arriving.
Thankfully, I sleep like a rock, and when I wake up in the morning, most of my cold symptoms are gone.
The only problem is that they’ve been replaced by symptoms of heartache, which I didn’t know until now are much worse. My eyes burn from all the crying, and the skin on my cheeks is dried out and red. It looks like I’ve been baking in the sun, when really I’ve been hiding under the covers, where no sunlight could ever reach me, for more than twelve hours. On top of that, my head feels like it’s being split open, a headache pounding at my temples.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to scrub the image of Noah with that other woman out of my head, and I think it’s actually starting to rewire my brain.
I’m so out of it that when the door to my childhood bedroom opens sometime in the afternoon, I open my eyes and for some reason expect to see Noah coming into the room. But it’s not him. It’s my sister, with April trailing behind her. They’ve brought me a grilled cheese sandwich, and even though I’m not all that hungry, I have to admit, it does smell pretty good.
Heather puts the plate on the bedside table, then sits down on the edge of the bed. “Hey there, sleepyhead. Mom said you’ve been in bed all day.”
I nod. “I’m just really tired.”
She smiles sympathetically, and I feel the weight of a four-year-old crawling over me as April climbs onto the bed and curls up in my arms. I breathe in the smell of her hair and give her a kiss on top of her head.
“Hey, Apes,” I murmur.
“Hi, Auntie Margo. Mommy says you’re sick.”
“Yeah, honey, I’m a little sick. But don’t worry about me, I’ll be okay.”
Even as I say it, I look up at Heather, who’s biting her lip with concern. She can tell I’m in bad shape, and while it’s easy to put on a brave face for a kid, it’s a lot harder to convince an adult that everything is fine. Especially when that adult happens to be someone you grew up with, who arguably knows you better than anyone else on the planet.
“Are you going to eat your grilled cheese?” April asks. “I helped Mommy make it for you.”
“Well, in that case, I have to try it.”
I sit up a little in bed, and April readjusts so that her head is resting on my lap. I grab the plate and take a small bite, and the gooey, cheesy goodness does make me feel just a little better.
“So… how are you doing?” Heather murmurs, drawing the question out like she doesn’t actually want to hear the answer to it.
I can’t blame her. If I answer her honestly, it’s going to sound really dramatic and probably make her worry even more, which I don’t want to do. On the other hand, I don’t think I have it in me to lie about what’s going on inside me, so I simply sigh and take another bite of my sandwich to give myself some time before answering.
Once I’ve chewed and swallowed, I put the plate back on the table and look at my sister.
“I guess I’m just still feeling really shocked about the whole thing,” I say. “The sadness and the anger is one thing, but what’s really throwing me for a loop, the real reason I’m hiding away in here, is because I still just have no idea what to make of any of it. Is it possible that he could fool me like this? Am I really that naïve?”
“Don’t do that.” Heather presses her lips together, shaking her head. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for any of this. It’s not your fault at all. You did nothing wrong, you hear me?”
“I know, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s just… I can’t help but feel like I must’ve missed the warning signs or something,” I tell her. “How could he really have been cheating on me this whole time, and I didn’t notice anything? Especially considering the kind of reputation Noah has! How could I have ignored everything people said about him? And why did I let him in so quickly? Why did I let myself fall so hard? It was so stupid, and I’m just waiting for someone to tell me ‘I told you so.’”
“Well you’re not going to hear it from me.” She gives me a sad smile. “Because Noah had me fooled too. Every time I saw you two together, it seemed like he was completely and totally in love with you. The way he would stare at you when you were talking, it was like he thought you were the most fascinating person in the world. And when you’d crack a joke, he was always the one who laughed the hardest. I really thought what you guys had was real.”
“I did too,” I say quietly.
Hearing Heather describe what she witnessed from the outside looking in only makes me more confused. My headache, which was already pretty rough, becomes pounding, and I grab the plate once more and try to force myself to eat a few more bites, hoping it’ll make me feel better.
“I wonder if he convinced that other woman, Rachel, that he loved her too,” I mutter absentmindedly. “Or maybe he really is in love with her, and I was the only one he was lying to.”
She winces. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to play the ‘maybe’ game. Who knows why Noah did what he did, or who he was lying to and who he wasn’t? But what I do know is that you’re going to end up driving yourself nuts if you go searching for answers like that. And it’s not worth your time or energy. He’s not worth your time and energy, and there’s no explanation he could give that would make what he did to you okay.”
I gaze down at the worn blanket on the bed. “I guess that’s true.”
“Want my advice?” She chuckles softly. “And I know you didn’t ask for it, but giving unsolicited advice is one of the most important parts of being an older sister. You should try your best to forget about Noah. I mean, take whatever time you need to get over the breakup, but then I would put him and all his bullsh—”
She breaks off and looks down at April, clearly worried her daughter heard the curse word, but April doesn’t seem to be paying attention to this boring grown-up conversation. In fact, I’m fairly certain she’s drifted off to sleep.
“Put all of it in your rearview mirror, and just get on with your life,” Heather finishes, resting a hand on my leg.
“Yeah, but that’s easier said than done. How do you put someone in your rearview mirror when a big part of your job is filming him, taking pictures of him, doing interviews with him?”
She grimaces. “Good point. But then, what are you going to do? Are you going to keep the job and try to work alongside Noah?”
“I want to,” I admit. “I mean, I want to keep the job. I just found out a week ago that they decided to extend my provisional contract into a full-time one, and I was so excited. But now… I don’t know. I definitely don’t want to work alongside Noah, but as long as I’m at the Aces, it’s not like I’ll have a choice. And this is going to dominate the social media sphere for weeks, which means I’ll have to clock in every morning, sit at my desk, and then monitor the comments section where everyone is picking sides and making snide remarks about our breakup.”
“Then quit. That sounds miserable.”
I snort humorlessly. “It will be miserable. But I shouldn’t have to quit. This kind of social media management is my dream job, and if I leave now, it will look so bad on my resume. Future employers are going to want to know why I only stayed with the Aces for a few months, and how am I supposed to tell them that I got into a relationship with a coworker and it ended badly? That makes me sound so unprofessional.”
“Okay, so then… just stick it out and hope things get better?”
I groan and lie back into my pillow. “I don’t know. I have no fucking idea what to do, Heather.”
My voice cracks a little on the last words, and she rubs my leg. It’s a soothing, gentle motion, the same way I’ve seen her rub her daughter’s back when April is upset.
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Mar,” she murmurs. “I wish there was more I could do to help. But can you at least take some more time off work, so you don’t have to make this decision right away?”
“Yeah, I can.” I chew on my lip, picking at a loose thread on the bedspread. “In fact, I already did. My boss called me yesterday and said I could take a bit more sick leave. But I’ll probably have to make a decision by Friday. A week from Monday at the latest.”
“Still, that means you’ve got time,” she points out gently. “I say, for this weekend, you should push all the stress of making that decision aside, and try to just take care of yourself. Watch bad movies and stay in bed for as long as you want. Don’t answer any calls, texts, or emails. And whatever you do, do not go on social media.”
I huff a laugh when she uses her ‘mom’ voice on me, but the smile quickly falls from my face. I remember the sinking feeling that washed over me when I read the comments about Noah having a baby with another woman, and all the composure that I’ve had for this entire conversation disappears.
My face crumples as tears form in the corners of my eyes, and Heather doesn’t miss a beat. She scoots closer on the bed next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders and pulling me in close. April wakes up from all the movement and crawls in between the two of us.
Both my sister and my niece wrap me up in warm embraces, and even though it still feels like my heart is being torn in two, I’m at least a little comforted, because I know my family will be here to help put me back together whenever I’m ready.
The only question is—will I ever be?
