“I brought donuts.”
I hold up the baby blue box of this city’s best-kept secret as a peace offering for being a few minutes late.
Hollis looks surprised to see me. “You’re here.”
“Yes?” I don’t know why it’s a question, but I also don’t know why she’s questioning my presence. “We have an appointment, right?”
“I wasn’t sure you wanted to go since I haven’t seen you in a while…”
“As long as it doesn’t interfere with hockey, then I’ll be there. Always.”
I won’t lie and say I haven’t been avoiding her a little but that’s because I don’t know how to be around her. Does she just want me hanging out over at her place? Does she want to come to mine? Are we supposed to be spending time together at all? I don’t really know how to navigate this. I’ve never had to before.
In fact, I haven’t spent time with someone I’ve slept with since Celine, and everyone knows how that turned out.
Hollis shakes her head. “You know what, never mind. It doesn’t matter. We should get going. We’re late.”
“I know, and I’m sorry about that,” I say as she shoves out of her apartment, then turns to lock it. “Which is why I brought donuts to make up for it.”
“You’re late, so you decided to make yourself more late by stopping to pick up donuts?”
“Well, no. I had the thought to get donuts first, and when I was leaving with the donuts in hand—completely on time, mind you—my truck wouldn’t start.”
She shoots me a look as we step into the elevator and she presses the Lobby button. “Let me put on my shocked face that your POS truck wouldn’t start. Tell me, Lowell, just exactly how many layers of duct tape are holding up your bumper?”
“Hey! I’ll have you know Fiona takes great exception to being talked about that way.”
“Fiona? You named your truck Fiona?”
“Yep. Princess Fiona to be more accurate. Like from Shrek.”
It takes her a moment to get it. “Because she’s big and green and ugly.”
“Precisely.” I grin as we step out of the elevator. “Anyway, it’s not her fault,” I say, holding the door to her building open for her, trying to score some points back. “It was mine. I knew better than to risk turning her off. She gets kind of pissy when it’s cold out.”
“I am so confused about why you’re driving around in that hunk of junk. Don’t you make like six and a half million a year?”
“First, it’s seven. Second, don’t you dare call my baby a hunk of junk. She has feelings, you know.”
Hollis rolls her eyes as I open her car door for her. “Need I remind you”—she climbs into the truck, then points to her belly—“you’ll have a baby to worry about soon too.”
“I’ll get a second car, then. I’m not giving Fiona up yet though. I can’t. Here.” I hand her the donuts and make sure she’s safely in the vehicle before closing the door and heading to my side. I climb behind the wheel of my beloved albeit beat-up truck and crank the engine.
Just like at the donut truck, she fusses about it. It takes three tries, but she eventually fires, and we’re pulling out on the road.
I can feel Hollis’ stare on me, and I glance over at her. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Not nothing. What?”
She waves her hand toward the dashboard with an amused grin as if that explains everything.
“What? It’s part of her charm,” I explain. “Besides, she can’t go until I’m done playing hockey.”
“And how close are you to being done?”
“Like ten years if I’m lucky.”
“I don’t think this truck can last ten more years.”
“Shh! Stop jinxing it!”
She snorts, then flips open the box of donuts. She plucks one out and holds it up as if to ask me what kind.
“Boston cream.”
She nods, then takes a huge bite, and I nearly swerve off the road when a bit of white cream dribbles down her chin. She wipes it away quickly before I do something stupid like park this truck and haul her into my lap and remind us just how we got into this situation in the first place.
“What’s your big attachment to her anyway?”
Big attachment to…?
Oh, right—my truck.
I try to adjust myself as inconspicuously as possible and shrug. “I don’t know. She’s just… Well, she’s been there with me through it all. Got her when I was sixteen. Paid for her myself after working and saving for two years.” I pat the dash lovingly. “We’ve been through high school, college, the draft, the NHL…everything.”
We pull up to a stoplight and I glance over to find Hollis’ lips pulled into a smile. “Is she your lucky charm, Lowell?”
“What? No.” I feel the tips of my ears heat at my lie. “I don’t believe in lucky charms.”
“Pretty sure being superstitious is like rule number one for playing hockey.”
“Oh yeah? You a hockey expert now?”
She wrinkles her nose. “Nah. I’m actually not really into it.”
“You’re… Excuse me?”
“Yeah, it’s just not really my thing.”
“I… Wow. I’m speechless right now.”
“Sorry?”
“It’s okay. I think. Maybe.” I slap my hand against the steering wheel. “No, no. It’s not okay actually. Like…how? How? Hockey is…”
“Eh.”
“Eh? Eh?” I shake my head. “I’m going to make you love it. Just watch.”
“You can try, but I doubt it.”
“That’s what your sister said too, now look at her. I’m pretty sure she painted her face for at least half of the games last season.”
“That’s because she’s insane.”
“And you’re not?”
“No.”
“Hmm. I seem to recall a certain someone punching a certain someone else over their music being too loud. I’m pretty sure that qualifies as insane.”
“Not if it was justified.”
I shake my head with a grin and focus on the road. The drive to the doctor’s isn’t far, and we’re pulling into the parking lot in no time. She was worried about being late, but we’re still thirty minutes early.
I shut the truck off and look over, just watching her as she stares out the window. Her lips are slightly parted and there’s a little wrinkle between her brows with how deep in thought she is right now.
I want to reach over and run my finger over all the lines marring her forehead, brush them away along with all her worries and doubts. But I’m scared if I touch her, I won’t be able to stop.
“You okay?” I ask quietly.
She jumps slightly, almost like she forgot I was even here, then clears her throat. “Yeah. I just… Sorry. Got lost in thought for a minute.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Honestly? Everything. How good these donuts taste. The appointment. How we’re going to raise a child together when you’re a professional hockey player and away half the year. How our whole lives are changing. Just…everything.” She sighs, then tosses the half-eaten donut into the box, looking exhausted by the day already.
I get it. It’s a lot to take in.
“We don’t have to think about all that now. We have time still. I think right now, we just need to focus on getting to know each other better.”
She snorts. “Right. Because we don’t really know each other beyond the bedroom, do we?”
“I personally think the bedroom is a really good place to know someone.”
“Yes, I am well aware of that fact about you.”
She smiles, but it’s sad, and that makes me sad. I know she’s worried about so many things—and I am too—but I don’t want today to be about all the stress of what’s to come.
“Tell me about the appointment today,” I say to distract her. “What’s going on?”
“We get to hear the baby’s heartbeat.”
I sit up straight. “We do?” She nods. “Is that why you’re nervous?”
Another nod. “Yes. I’m just…scared. Worried.”
“About what?”
“That we won’t hear anything.”
Screw my rule about not touching her. I need to touch her right now. I reach over and grab Hollis’ hand, lacing our fingers together. She’s surprised by it at first, but it doesn’t take her long to relax. Her shoulders drop as she sags against the seat like just my touching her has somehow taken some weight off her shoulders.
It makes me feel bad because it didn’t even cross my mind that something like that was a possibility. The thought of that happening makes me sadder than I thought possible, and I’m surprised by that.
When everything happened with Celine, I put up walls. A lot of walls—like all the walls when it came to anything serious. No relationships. No promises of futures. Not even breakfast the morning after because it just set too many expectations and I wasn’t in the business of fulfilling them.
Since I met Hollis, I’ve felt the cracks in those bricks I stacked up so high. And this crack? It just might be the biggest of all.
It’s just occurred to me in this very moment that I want this baby. I really want this baby. I don’t want to walk into that doctor’s office and there not be a heartbeat.
“Great. Now you look scared too.”
“I am,” I say honestly, and her mouth drops open at my confession. “But I also know we don’t have a thing to worry about. We’re going to go in there and hear our baby’s heartbeat, and everything is going to be just fine.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I just do. And if I’m wrong, I’ll let you hit me again. I know how much you love doing that.”
“Ugh,” she groans. “I can’t believe I’m having a baby with you.”
“Well, it’s happening, so believe it, darlin’.” I wink at her, and she rolls her eyes, but I see the smile playing on her lips. “Now come on, let’s get inside before we’re really late.”
I push my door open but stop when I hear my name on her lips.
“Hey, Cameron?”
“Hmm?” I look back over at her.
She’s peering up at me with unsure eyes.
She doesn’t say anything for a long moment, just stares at me.
Then finally… “I’m glad it’s you.”
I hate that my throat grows tight and my eyes burn with unshed tears. Her words are like a punch to the gut and the absolute last thing I was expecting her to say.
I clear my throat and run my tongue across my lips.
“I’m glad it’s you too, Hollis.”
Pride swells in my chest as I stare out at the group of guys on the ice.
They look good. They look ready.
We’re currently up three to one in our preseason game against Florida, and I knew the moment my skates touched the ice that this is exactly what I’ve been needing. To be out on the ice where I belong, to get my head back on straight and get immersed in the game I live for.
“Strong legs out there already,” Collin comments, eyes trained on the same thing I’m looking at.
“Attaboy, Miller!” I yell as he flies by. Coach is testing him on some new lines this season, but he’s looking good, looking sharp. “Keep this energy up and I think it’ll be a good season.”
“Spoken like a true captain,” Rhodes says. He looks left and right, making sure nobody is paying us any attention, then leans in a bit. “You, uh, tell Coach yet?”
I shake my head, looking over at the short guy with the round belly, trying to picture the man who used to be an enforcer but finding it hard to see. “Not yet.”
“You need to before the season starts.”
He’s right. I know he is.
I’m just not really looking forward to walking into Coach’s office and telling him, “Hey, remember that time I proposed to my girl because she was pregnant and we planned a wedding, and then it turned out she wasn’t pregnant and it was a whole big thing? Yeah, well, this time I knocked up a one-night stand, and she’s really knocked up this time. Oh, and, by the way, she’s due in April.”
He’s going to shit a brick.
“I will.”
“Harper said things are going well,” Collin comments out of the side of his mouth, eyes still tracking what’s happening on the ice in front of us.
“Ryan even said you’re going to appointments with her and got to hear the heartbeat yesterday,” Rhodes adds.
“I heard you cried.”
“I did not,” I lie, because I swear to fuck I’m taking to my grave that after I dropped Hollis off at her apartment, I cried on my drive home. I felt stupid for it, but I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that this is happening.
With Celine, it was different when she came to me saying she was pregnant. We’d been dating for months at that point. Sure, our relationship was still in that early honeymoon phase and there was still a lot of learning and growing to do, but we were committed to each other.
With Hollis, it’s a whole different arena we’re playing in now, and that’s what scares me the most about it.
“I heard you wept like a little baby,” Rhodes adds.
I did. “Fuck off.” I scowl at them. “Is that all you four do? Just sit around and gab about my private life?”
“It’s been the hot topic at the dinner table lately,” Collin says. “I mean, you did get my sister-in-law pregnant. She and Harper talk a lot, you know.”
“About anything good?” I’m only half-joking.
I’m curious as hell how the unfiltered version of Hollis is handling all of this. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m mildly freaking out. If I’m this back and forth, I can’t imagine how she’s feeling with the whole mix of hormones on top of it.
He doesn’t get the chance to answer, because Coach puts us out on the ice. Rhodes and Collin pair up as per usual, and I fly by them, heading over for a pass we’ve practiced a thousand times. The puck hits just where I need it to, then I send it over to Smith, who taps it back as he tries to fight off Florida’s man.
They’re so preoccupied with defending against Smith they don’t even realize I have the puck until the last minute, and by then it’s too late. I bury it past their goalie, and the small crowd here at home goes nuts.
Sticks go in the air, and Smith smacks his glove against mine in celebration.
“Nice pass, man.”
“Nah. That was all you.” He’s always so modest about his skills, but we all know he wouldn’t still be playing in the NHL at his age if he didn’t have the grit he does.
We clamber back onto the bench, catching our breaths, ready for our next run.
“Hey.” Collin leans into me, his eyes locked on his defensemen. “What you said before? About if what she says about you is good or bad?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s good, man.”
I needed to hear that more than I thought I did.
“Good. That’s…good.”
“But I swear, if you hurt her, you’re dead.”
He doesn’t have to be looking at me for me to know he’s serious.
“I don’t plan on it.”
And that’s the truth.
You can’t hurt what you don’t touch.
