As soon as I walked out of the room, I regretted it. I had given in, had succumbed to temptation, had eaten the forbidden fruit again, and I was sure the consequences would be terrible.
I don’t know if it’s possible for your heart to physically hurt, but I think mine did, so badly that I had to get away from her. I shut myself up in my home office, pretending with all my might that Noah wasn’t in my bed just then, trying to forget her naked body, her hands caressing me, her mouth giving me pleasure…she had done it so well, for a moment I was even angry.
Had she done it with someone else?
Just the thought of it drove me insane. In bed, she’d seemed the same as always. But it didn’t matter. The same pure Noah I used to know had screwed another guy. Who was to say she hadn’t kept going once we were apart?
The thought of another guy’s arms around Noah made me need to leave…forget the feeling of her there under me, how soft her skin was, how sweet her kisses were.
Her fragrance was still pursuing me, even after my shower. My apartment suddenly felt small, and my body was drawn to go back to that room and finish what I’d left undone.
I put on a pair of shorts, a white Nike T-shirt, and my running shoes and headed off for Central Park. It was only five a.m., but there were already people out jogging and working out. I didn’t dawdle; I didn’t even warm up. I just ran and ran, wishing with all my heart that I’d get home and find Noah already gone. That she’d keep her promise and disappear from my life.
Did I really want that, though? Yes. That was one thing I knew for sure. Being with her hurt too much, and I couldn’t imagine ever having the strength to forgive her. I just wasn’t capable of it.
I got home two hours later, and everything was exactly the same as when I left. I went to my room, and she was still there between my sheets.
She was sleeping facedown, the sheet covering her lower body, and her bare back was shouting at me to rub it until she woke. I’d kiss her, make slow love to her, and then we’d go to a fancy café for breakfast. I’d buy her chocolate, show her all my favorite secret corners, and then, when she was tired of being a tourist, we’d come back, and I’d sink once more between her legs and make her shout my name until she was breathless.
I slapped my face to bring myself back to reality: None of that was going to happen. All that was over; it had ended the night I’d found out she’d been with another man.
I went to the bathroom and took a cold shower. When I came out, dressed in a pair of gray pajama pants, I found her sitting there, leaning back against the headboard, holding the sheet tight in her hands, trying to cover up every inch of her nakedness. She looked at me hesitantly, probably with no idea what she should do. I bent down to pick up her shirt off the floor and tossed it to her.
“Get dressed,” I ordered her, trying to control myself, trying to stay calm.
She wasn’t sure whether to obey. When I looked at her, with her hair still uncombed and those lips I wanted to nibble, I had to force myself to turn around and walk out. In the kitchen, I grabbed my phone and called Steve. He’d moved to the city; his place wasn’t too far from mine. My father had said he now worked for me and me alone, and I was grateful to have someone I could trust watching my back.
“I need you to get her out of here,” I said. I sounded desperate, but I couldn’t help it.
Steve sighed, but I knew he’d do as I said. He owed it to me. He should never have brought her to my apartment.
I hung up and made coffee. A minute later, she was standing there in my kitchen. She wasn’t dressed. Not in her clothes, at least. She was wearing my white button-down, which hung to her knees. I guessed she’d showered because her hair was slicked down and her face looked clean and fresh, without a trace of our kisses from the night before.
“I called Steve to come pick you up,” I told her, pouring my coffee. I was trying to stay calm, as if what I was doing were predictable, as if throwing out the person I had been in love with were the most normal thing in the world.
“I don’t want to go,” she whispered. I looked at her, saw the way our breakup had changed her. She was so thin… She’d lost so much weight, I was afraid I’d break her the night before. She wasn’t the Noah I remembered, that brave girl always ready to face off with me, the one who’d made my life so interesting.
Our fights had always been brutal, but now…she was like a frightened doe. And that only made me angrier.
“What are you after, Noah?” I asked, my voice ice-cold. I didn’t want to lose it and unleash all the fury I knew was still buried inside me. But I needed her to understand that nothing was going to change how I felt. “There’s nothing you can say or do that can erase what happened. Last night was nice, but I can get the same thing from anyone, and I’m not interested in playing games with you.”
“You’re still in love with me,” she said and stepped forward. She was going to try to touch me, and I jerked away, feeling disgusted at myself, disgusted because I’d let things go so far the night before. I didn’t want to give her false hope. That hadn’t been my intention.
“I was in love with you,” I corrected her. “I was, Noah, in the past. You cheated on me, and I know there may be people who can forgive that, but you know me perfectly, and I’m not one of them.”
“And I am?” she replied, wrapping her arms around herself. “You can’t pretend that what happened a few hours ago didn’t affect you as much as me… I can see it in your eyes, Nicholas. I saw it last night, and I saw it on the day of Jenna’s wedding. You still have feelings for me, you still—”
“What do you want me to say, Noah?” I shouted. But in reality, I wasn’t furious at her, I was furious at myself, furious because I hadn’t managed to control myself, furious because I’d fallen not once but twice, furious because, however hard I tried, I couldn’t hide what I felt for her. “You obviously know how to play this game way better than I do.”
Noah blinked without comprehending. “I’m not playing, I just want…”
She didn’t finish the phrase. She didn’t need to. I knew perfectly what it was she wanted.
“You should go,” I said a few seconds later. I picked up my cup and turned around to drop it in the sink. It gave me an excuse not to look her in the eye.
“How can you do this?” she asked, and then I had to face her. A flash of anger crossed her honey-colored eyes. “Tell me how you can just go on with your life! Because I can’t!”
That was ridiculous. I didn’t have a life anymore; it was just work, endless work, and there was no room for love. I was happy like that, without any sentimental burdens. Love was bullshit. I’d given everything for love, and look where it’d got me.
I knew if I wanted to get rid of her, I had to make her realize nothing was going to change. If I wanted to walk out that door and not get hurt again, I had to be hard, I had to stick my fingers straight into the wound.
I looked at her again, and something I hadn’t noticed before captured my attention: she was wearing the silver necklace I’d given her for her eighteenth birthday.
I walked over, reached around her neck, and found the clasp. Noah was too lost to understand what I’d done until I stepped back with her pendant, stuffing it into my back pocket.
“Give it back,” she said, incredulous, not really sure what had happened.
“You have to stop clinging to something that doesn’t exist, dammit.”
“Give me my necklace, Nicholas,” she said through clenched teeth.
“Why?” I asked, loud enough that she flinched. “Why the hell are you still wearing it? Are you trying to make me remember something? You think you’re going to make my sensitivity get the best of me? Well, you can forget that!”
She blinked, surprised by my words, then shoved me, hard. “You want to know why I wear it?!” she screamed. “It reminds me of you. That’s it. You don’t like to hear that?! Well, it’s the fucking truth, you hear me?! I miss you!”
No, I didn’t want to hear the truth. Not that truth, anyway. I didn’t want to feel guilty. I didn’t want to admit that I missed her, too… Damn it, I didn’t want to admit that it hurt me as much as it did her to take something away from her that I’d given her so I’d always be with her. I’d done that because I wanted her to know how much I loved her.
I needed to end this. Now.
“I’m with someone,” I said, staring her down.
Noah froze, the ire drained from her face, and slowly, she absorbed what I’d said. She seemed lost, but finally she found the words. “What…what do you mean?”
I closed my eyes and wiped my face with my hand, fed up. Did I have to do this? Was it necessary? Was it necessary for us to hurt each other even more?
Yes, it was.
“I’m in a relationship, Noah. With Sophia.”
Those words seemed to strike her in the chest with the force of a bullet. Her eyes opened wide when she heard that name, as if she felt betrayed, and now, dejection again gave way to wrath.
I wanted to pull her close just then, to tell her it had been a lie, but I couldn’t; I had to finish this, and faster was better, without leaving room for doubt.
She looked at the ground between us. Outside, the sun was coming up, the first rays of sunlight were flooding through the windows, taking away the darkness of our lies, the shadows of what we’d done a few hours before. I’d said it. There was no turning back. When she finally looked up again, I knew I had destroyed her.
“It was her all along, wasn’t it?” Her voice cracked. My heart, too. I couldn’t believe how quickly she’d just accepted that lie. Had I done such a bad job of showing her how much I loved her? Was it so easy to believe that, so hard to accept that she was the only one who was ever real for me, her and her alone?
I clenched my fists.
“Yes,” I said, loud and clear. “I fell in love with Sophie as soon as I met her, the very first time I laid eyes on her. She’s pretty, smart, we like the same things, we have the same ambitions. And I’m sorry to say this, Noah, but with her, everything’s easy. There’s no drama, no problems. Sophia’s a woman, not a little girl.”
The sarcasm in my voice couldn’t have been clearer. No one could have missed it. Except, I guess, for Noah. She blinked, wiped her eyes, tried to hold back the tears.
“All this time…” she responded, stepping forward to shove me again. She missed. It was a weak attempt. Looking back now, I think it was at that moment that we were finally finished: we were both broken, devastated…and the one way of putting ourselves together again was off the table.
“It’s best if you go,” I said with the little strength I had remaining.
She didn’t even look at me. She just walked past me and disappeared into my room.
Later, I’d find out Steve had dropped her at a hotel.
