Much as I loved my sister, she wasn’t the one I was looking forward to seeing when I opened my eyes. I sat up, trying to focus, trying to figure out why the left side of my bed was empty, how I’d failed to realize that Noah had gotten up and walked out. But there was an easy answer: I’d slept—really, truly slept—for the first time in over a year.
“Where’s Noah?” my sister kept asking, jumping up and down on the mattress. The question caught me off guard.
What did she mean, where was she?
“Isn’t she in her room?” I asked, getting up and rubbing my eyes, trying to get the lead out. In the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and tried to focus on the new day, a day when I’d have to explain lots of things and figure out lots more.
The night before hadn’t just been sex—not at all. It had been more; I had let my old feelings move me…and for the first time in ages, I had felt good.
“She’s not here, Nick,” Maddie replied.
I went to her room and opened the door, and it was true, no one was there. I looked around for her things. Her books, her suitcase…everything was gone.
“Fuck!” I hissed.
“You said a swear word!”
I looked down. This wasn’t the best time to have to look after Madison.
“Midget, go to the kitchen and get Prett to make you some breakfast.” When she was about to argue, I added, “Now!”
“Did Noah leave?” she asked, visibly upset.
That made two of us.
“I don’t know. Now go downstairs—I’m not going to say it again.”
Her beautiful blue eyes narrowed; I knew this was going to have consequences.
She turned around and ran downstairs.
I went back to my room and grabbed my phone. Without even thinking, I called Noah, not once but twice.
Dammit, Noah. Did you have to leave like this?
I was pissed. Very pissed. I was ready to hop in my car and go after her. Why had she gone? Had I mistreated her? No, fuck no, I hadn’t; I’d been the same as always, the same as I was when we were together. Okay, she had wanted something else…had asked for something else…
Tell me you love me…
I couldn’t. It hurt too bad.
I went to the kitchen. My mood was awful. My father was there with my sister; they were chatting away about something, or rather, Maddie was, and Raffaella was smiling as she watched them. When they looked up as I walked in, I mumbled a good morning, got a coffee, and walked to the front door.
I felt relieved when I saw Noah’s old hunk of junk. So she hadn’t left after all. But where was she, then? And where were her things? I went to the garage. The Audi was gone.
So she had left. I realized that not telling her what she wanted to hear had been an easier way to get rid of her than all my lies. I’d gotten what I wanted; she’d turned the page. But…why did I feel empty inside, then? And why hadn’t I felt that when I’d seen her?
It didn’t help my bad mood when my father called me to his office to talk. After our argument on Thanksgiving, we hadn’t spoken, but something told me that this time, his summons had nothing to do with work.
“Your mother called me yesterday to tell me she’d seen you and told you she was sick.”
I laughed sarcastically, walked to his bar, and poured myself a drink. It was ten in the morning, but what did I care?
“I see you all are best friends now; you tell each other everything. How’s Raffaella feel about that, Dad? Or are you hiding this from her, too?”
My father didn’t take the bait; he just waited, his hands crossed over his stomach, sitting in his big leather chair. I emptied my glass and served myself another drink. When I could finally face him, I was enraged, enraged and deeply sad, and that sorrow was something I’d never felt before.
“When were you going to tell me?!” I shouted.
“Your mother asked me not to,” he replied calmly.
I laughed. “You know what, Dad? It’s almost funny how whatever you decide to say or not to say depends entirely on how it affects you. You had no problem with hiding the fact that you were cheating on Mom for almost your entire marriage, and you certainly didn’t bother telling me that was why she left… You let me think she’d just vanished, with no justification whatsoever!”
He stood and walked to the window. “Your mother was already gone, Nicholas. I know her…and when she decided to leave you, she was perfectly aware of what she was doing. I didn’t tell you anything because I didn’t want you to keep hoping you might see her again. I didn’t want you to chase a lie.”
“My whole life has been a fucking lie!” I needed to calm down, control the tremors overtaking my body and hands. I balled up my fists. “What’s going to happen to Madison?”
He turned. “She’ll stay here. That’s what’s best for her,” he responded, and I shook my head. Best? Best for her, or for him? “Nicholas, your sister needs to be somewhere stable and welcoming. I don’t want her always at the hospital, surrounded by doctors, having to see the effects of Anabel’s chemo—she’s too little.”
“She needs her mother.”
My father’s eyes, so similar to mine, looked at me without flinching. It had been a long time, years maybe, since he’d looked at me that way, and I felt myself on the verge of tears. He walked over and rested a hand on my shoulder.
“This isn’t the same as what happened to you, Nick. I won’t let that happen again, I promise. Maddie will see her mother. She’ll be in constant contact with her. I won’t make the same mistake again.”
I shook my head. The words snagged in my throat. I felt like I was twelve years old again, and my father was telling me Mom would never come back.
“I never told you I was sorry for that… I’m doing it now… I was wrong, Nicholas; I thought I was doing what was right for you, I thought I could be enough, I thought your mother would just hurt you, but I should have fought. I should have done whatever I could to make her stay a part of your life, somehow, even if it meant living a lie. That’s what a parent does—they say and do whatever they can to make their children feel loved and protected. But I didn’t know how.”
I blinked several times as my eyes watered, trying to see clearly. This was the last thing I’d expected. Life was full of surprises, and it kept hitting me and expecting me to get back up, wounded, hurt, but still able to carry on down that road…
“Don’t keep Maddie from having a mother,” I said, and I didn’t just mean my own mother having to leave. My father understood. He understood exactly what I meant.
“I will do everything in my power to be sure neither of you is left without a mother, Nicholas.”
As he said this, he pulled me in for a hug. I hadn’t expected that at all. I didn’t remember the last time he’d done something like that, the last time anyone except Noah had shown me affection in that way. And when I felt the peace in my heart, I realized, despite what I might have thought, that I needed to let my guard down, allow other people in, at least sometimes, to protect me from the dark.
