Part 3 – Countdown
The library was packed. Midterm exam and final paper season was upon us. I had no idea how long I’d been in there, since I’d picked a table without windows to keep from distracting myself or getting depressed when I saw everyone walking around, celebrating the last days of winter.
Jenna was there beside me, concentrating on anything except the biology book in front of her nose.
“Can we?” she asked for the eighth time.
I scowled at her. I’d had it.
“Come on, Noah. At this rate, I’ll have the book memorized before you’re done.”
I giggled, then breathed out wearily. “One coffee, Jenna. A quick one. I’m serious.”
She smiled, and we gathered our things and emerged from our self-imposed exile.
Outside, I saw it was nearly evening. I hugged myself to hold off the chilly wind blowing through the trees. I’d been in the library for so long that I’d lost all notion of time.
The two months I’d worked at LRB had taught me a lot about the real world, but with exams coming, I was happy I could devote all my time to my studies. I’d saved some cash, and I could make it for a few months. Simon offered to find me a similar job at another company, and I was eternally grateful, but for now, it was better like this. As far as us…everything was on ice for the moment. I was honest with him and told him I still hadn’t gotten over Nick. I needed some time alone. We still saw each other, but as friends. He’d pick me up, we’d grab a bite, sometimes we’d go out to dinner with friends—nothing major.
Jenna leaned into me as we exited the library, linked her arm through mine, and walked with me to the nearest coffee stand. I ordered a triple espresso and a pretzel; she got a hot chocolate. We sat on a bench and tried to enjoy our brief break.
“I was hoping to get a chance to invite you to Lion’s birthday party. I’m throwing it at our place. It’s gonna be great. He has no idea. I told him we should just try and grab a quick dinner because I have a big test the next day…obviously that’s not true—my midterms are done the day after tomorrow. He’s going to freak out.”
I smiled, imagining the scene.
“When is it?” I asked, sipping my coffee.
“In a couple of weeks. I wanted to go ahead and tell you so you wouldn’t have an excuse not to show!”
I tried to hem and haw—it amused me to watch her attempts at persuasion—and finally I said sure, I’d go, and she started to breathe easy again. I wasn’t that into the idea: I was exhausted, worse than I’d ever been—my coffee didn’t even help. But I also felt that going out and taking my mind off things could do me good. We talked for a while about nothing in particular. She told me Lion had gotten pissed at her a few days ago when he found her with a hammer in her hand, going to fix something. It seemed like nothing, but Jenna had already broken her finger with that same hammer not so long ago, and since then, Lion had forbidden her from touching his tools.
It was hilarious to me to think of Jenna trying and then failing to follow his rules.
“You should have seen him: My tools, my rules! he was shouting. And then all I had to do was stand back and watch him fix the bench for my makeup table without me even needing to ask. I’m a tactician, right? When I first asked him, he was like, I’ll do it when I can, but when he sees me with a hammer in my hand, he rushes off to finish the job he thinks I’ve already started.”
“You’re evil,” I said, standing up to go back in. We walked around the corner to the street the library was on, and I nearly ran into a guy on the sidewalk. A guy I swore I’d never see again. Michael.
“What the hell are you doing here?!” Jenna shouted.
He looked at me—eyed me up, rather—gawking at my body and face before looking over at her. “I’m back,” he said and stared at me again.
It hadn’t been easy to forget what had happened with Michael. Not only had he ruined my relationship with Nick, he’d also betrayed my trust, taking advantage of me in a moment when I was completely vulnerable.
“You said you were leaving forever,” I said reproachfully, pulling close to Jenna. “That was the deal.”
Michael shrugged, indifferent. “People change their minds.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Seeing him again was uncomfortable: I remembered things then that I’d buried deep inside and had sworn I’d never think about again.
Michael had thought he and I could have something after Nick and I broke up. For a while, he was obsessed with the idea that I needed to be with him, that I had to give him a chance. That was the only reason he’d done me the favor of not pressing charges against Nick. When he got out of the hospital, he came and saw me every single day—by then, Nick was in New York—and when I told him there was nothing between us, he cursed me, told me I’d played him, made up things I’d supposedly said, even tried to force himself on me. I had to threaten him with a restraining order.
His brother, Charlie, came to see me and told me Michael had already had problems like this before, that one girl almost got him kicked out of school. I learned that day that Charlie and Michael had suffered a lot after their mother had died. Michael had become unstable; Charlie had started drinking… It had been hard for them to get through it, especially since their father was totally absent—he had abandoned them when they were just boys. Michael took care of Charlie, but he had psychiatric problems of his own and became depressed. Eventually Charlie had convinced him to take a job in Arizona, and he’d sworn he’d never bother me again.
Jenna took out her phone, shouting, “I’m calling the cops.” I’d never seen her so mad.
I glared at Michael: the whole reason my relationship had fallen apart and my life had gone to shit. After learning all his secrets, I realized he had taken advantage of me… Maybe I’d let him, but still, he used my vulnerability against me and twisted everything I’d said in therapy around so he could exploit me.
“What are you going to tell them?” Michael asked, unworried. “I haven’t done anything; I’ve just come back after a year to see my brother and look for a job. Is that what you’re going to tell the cops?”
Jenna stepped toward him. “What I’ll tell them is how you harassed my friend and stalked her for weeks on end, you asshole!”
He barely looked at her. His eyes were frozen on me. “That might have worked if Noah had actually gotten a restraining order, but as things stand now, there’s no evidence I’ve done anything.”
I thought I’d done the right thing, not pressing charges, but now that I saw him there, looking smug, full of barely suppressed anger…I wasn’t so sure. “Come on, Jenna,” I said, hoping to get away as soon as possible.
“You keep away from Noah, you hear me?” Jenna warned him.
Michael smiled eerily, gave us a condescending look, and said, “You look precious, Noah.”
“Fuck you!” I said, feeling the rage bubble up inside me.
I didn’t wait for a response. I had to grab Jenna so she didn’t attack him. She didn’t care that he was twice her size and nearly a foot taller. We walked through the doors of the library. Knowing he couldn’t see us anymore, I collapsed, sitting on the first bench I could find and hyperventilating.
Jenna sat down next to me, cursing, but also trying to calm me down.
Why had he come back? Why?
I’d convinced myself Michael was just a guy with problems, like so many others, one who would never actually hurt me. When he left, I thought he had done that for me, because I mattered to him and he didn’t want me to be scared of him, but now, I had the sense that I needed to run away, that his being here could mean nothing good. I felt like I needed to do something, tell someone.
“I’m calling Lion.”
“Don’t even think about it!” I shouted, miraculously recovered and tearing her phone from her hands.
“We’ve got to do something!” Jenna protested in a rage.
“No. We’re not going to do anything. He said he’s here to see Charlie. Maybe he’ll leave. A lot of time has passed. I don’t think he’s here because of me, Jenna.”
Incredulous, she looked at me like I was crazy. “Did you not hear how he talked to you?”
I nodded. I felt a sudden urge to vomit. Stirring up those memories was bad—especially now. “I don’t want trouble, Jenna. I don’t want to think about what happened, and I certainly don’t want you telling Lion about this. We’re not going to do anything. End of story.”
Before she could interrupt me, I continued:
“I’ll be careful, all right? And if I see something I don’t like, or he comes close to me again, I’ll go to the cops, and you can tell whoever you like. In the meantime, let’s keep studying.”
Jenna was angry. “I’ve kept your secrets before, but I’m telling you, if I hear the least noise about that creep bothering you, I’m calling Nicholas. You hear me?”
I didn’t talk back, despite my anxiety.
After running into Michael, I spent several days nervous and afraid. I tried to push my feelings down, though. I was busy anyway, trying to pack up my things and move to my new apartment. I’d finished my last midterm the day before, so I finally had time to deal with the move.
I’d found a loft off campus. It was an open space with a small kitchen, a living room, and a bedroom. The bathroom had a tub. It wasn’t anything too special, but it was enough for me.
Unfortunately, there was a problem with the water, and I couldn’t move till the end of the week. I asked Jenna if I could stay with her and Lion for a few days until the problem was fixed. She didn’t hesitate and even said she’d help me take my boxes to the new place. What I didn’t expect was that she would come with Lion in tow. I hadn’t seen him in ages, but he was a sight for sore eyes.
“What’s up, Noah?!” he said, bear-hugging me.
“Thanks for coming, Lion. You didn’t need to.”
“Oh, he did,” Jenna replied, showing me her new nails, which were manicured with wild red gel.
I rolled my eyes and started picking up the boxes that were light enough for me and taking them to Lion’s truck. He took care of the heavier ones, and soon Jenna and I were taking down everything fragile. There was more fragile stuff than heavy stuff, so we didn’t get to relax.
At one point, I bent down to pick up a box of books, and I felt something like a dagger stabbing me in the back. I couldn’t move.
“Are you okay?” Lion asked, coming over.
Jenna seemed not to worry until she saw my face, which I guess had gone blank. “Noah!”
I took a deep breath to see if the pain would go away, sitting back on the floor. “I think I just fucked up my back. I’m okay, though,” I said, my voice trembling.
“Why were you picking up that box?! That’s Lion’s job, dummy.”
I ignored her as the pain kept radiating, slowly becoming tolerable.
Lion bent down and looked me over with those green eyes that glowed so bright, it was no wonder Jenna had spent half her wedding speech talking about them. They were hypnotizing.
“Can you get up?” he asked.
“Uh…” I wanted a few seconds. “I’m not really sure.”
Jenna shook her head while Lion wrapped his arm around my back. I tried to get up on my own, but the pain was now in my stomach, and I bent over, almost paralyzed.
“You’ve thrown your back out, doll,” Jenna said, while Lion leaned over and picked me up.
“I’ll take you to the car, and you can lie down and rest. It’ll pass. You just pulled a muscle, that’s all.”
I nodded, unable to make a sound.
The pain…the pain was horrible.
Lion left me in the passenger seat and finished loading boxes in the back. When we finally left, I prayed for the trip to be short and to be able to lie down somewhere soft and warm.
“If you want, I’ll call my massage therapist. She’s the best—she’ll know exactly what to do for you,” Jenna said, sitting in the back and shoving M&M’s between her lips, which were coated in purple gloss.
I couldn’t say a word. I just wanted to lie down. When we got to Jenna’s place, I still could hardly move. Lion was worried as he carried me back to the small guest room they had prepared for me. When he laid me on the bed, a jolt of agony shot through my body, and I had to close my eyes.
“Noah…are you sure you’re okay?”
Jenna came in then with a glass of water and a muscle relaxer. I downed it immediately.
Lion seemed to doubt whether I was well, but he had to go to the airport in a couple of hours. He had a meeting in Philadelphia and wouldn’t be back for four days.
“I’ll take care of her,” Jenna said, lying down next to me. Lion leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips.
“I’m going to head out, then. If you need help for the move, Luca’s willing to lend a hand, like I said. Take care, Noah, and feel better,” he said, rubbing the top of my head.
When he was gone, I fluffed up the pillows and started counting in my mind to distract myself.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” Jenna asked for the eighth time.
I had been saying I thought it was stupid just to go there for a pulled muscle, but the pain was getting worse again, after diminishing just a little, and I was about to faint. So her idea was starting to appeal to me.
“Let’s just wait for the pill to do its thing,” I said, aware that the mere thought of standing up and walking to the door would probably leave me seeing stars.
Two hours later, I knew something was wrong.
“Noah, you’re scaring me,” Jenna said, watching me writhe.
“Take me to the hospital,” I said, terrified.
Just getting to the car was torture, and the trip to the emergency room was even worse. After we parked, I walked as best I could to the waiting room while Jenna filled out all the paperwork the nurse on duty had given her.
Then we waited. I got more and more nervous, especially once I felt something strange between my legs. I looked down and saw a red spot extending through my pajama bottoms. Jenna shrieked. The next thing I knew, I was in a wheelchair being taken to a room where someone hurried to attend to me. Jenna had to wait outside.
“Honey, can you hear me?” a nurse said, helping me out of my clothing and giving me a hospital gown to put on. “The doctor is on his way, but first I need you to answer some questions.”
I looked at her. She had red hair and reminded me of Tweedledee or Tweedledum from Alice in Wonderland. Except she was a woman, and she wouldn’t shut up.
“How many weeks along are you?” she asked.
“I mean, this just happened…”
Her brow wrinkled, and then the question…that fucking question brought me back to reality, like hitting the ground headfirst after jumping out of a tenth-story window.
“Wh-what are you talking about?”
She looked at me with surprise, then with pity. “Honey… I’m pretty sure you’re having a miscarriage.”
What the hell was she saying? Everything seemed to freeze, and the word miscarriage struck me like a giant hammer.
Miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage… It didn’t matter how many times I thought it, it was impossible, impossible, because a miscarriage meant you had to be pregnant, and I wasn’t.
“The doctor will be here soon… You just relax; I’m sure everything will be fine.”
Everything will be fine? How could she say the word miscarriage and then tell me everything would be fine?
My mind started spinning. I tried to count on my fingers, remember numbers and dates, and the conclusion was always the same: it couldn’t be. It was impossible. That eased my mind. The nurse had to be an idiot. I hadn’t mentioned trying to pick up the box. I’d Probably torn something trying to pick up the box and I was having a hemorrhage and it was making it look like I was…
Because that was impossible, right? It had been way too long since the last time I…
The door opened, interrupting my tormented thoughts, and a middle-aged doctor greeted me stiffly.
“How are you feeling, Miss Morgan?” he asked as he came closer.
I didn’t answer, and he motioned for me to lie back.
“I’m going to do an ultrasound, okay?” he told me, lifting my gown and touching my belly gently.
“I’m not pregnant,” I said, repeating the phrase over and over in my head like a mantra.
I’m not pregnant, I’m not pregnant, I’m not pregnant.
The doctor observed me for a few moments with surprise.
“We’ll find out in a few seconds,” he said, sitting next to me and pulling over a rolling table. “This gel is going to feel a little cold, all right?”
I shivered as he rubbed it on my belly. Struggling to control my breathing, I watched what he was doing. He dragged some kind of machine over my belly, hit a button, and turned the screen to show me what he was seeing.
“I think this is proof you’re mistaken, no?”
On the screen, in black and white, blinking a little, was the image of a baby… Not some tiny fetus, a real baby with a head, feet, and hands, taking up most of the screen.
“Oh my God!” I shouted, bringing my hand to my mouth in terror, pure, unadulterated terror.
“You’re around sixteen weeks,” the doctor said, turning toward the machine, unruffled after dropping that bomb on me, and sliding the handpiece around while he hit various buttons. He looked a bit worried at first. Then, after a few seconds that dragged on painfully, I heard a noise, constant, loud, echoing through the room. He sighed and turned to face me.
“We have a pulse, Miss Morgan.”
So it wasn’t a miscarriage. But this new reality made me feel like I was falling again. Only this time, I might never hit the ground.
“Am I going to lose it?” I asked, my voice quavering. The doctor turned the screen and showed me a black spot around the baby. I didn’t need to be an expert to know it shouldn’t have been there.
“This is an intrauterine hematoma. A big one. Since you told me you weren’t aware you were pregnant, I’m assuming your period has been coming regularly. Or am I wrong?”
I tried to understand what he was getting at.
“I’m not especially regular, but yeah… I’ve had my period the past few months. I guess it was maybe shorter than usual, but…”
“Do you take birth control?”
“Yeah. To control my periods, actually.”
“Do you ever miss a pill?”
Shit!
“I’ve forgotten one before; I usually just take it the next day…”
“That explains why you might have gotten pregnant, but that isn’t what matters right now. The thing is, your body’s been on the verge of miscarrying several times.”
I looked back at the screen. Jesus. That was a baby… A baby I didn’t even know was growing inside me… I hadn’t been careful at all. My God! I’d even drunk alcohol…
“Doctor…I didn’t know. I literally had no idea… I mean, you can’t even tell…”
The doctor remained calm. “Let’s relax, okay? We’re going to do all the tests we need to be sure you and the baby are both fine. You’d be surprised how frequent cases like yours are. Often you don’t really notice the changes until the third or fourth month. For the first twelve weeks, the uterus remains entirely within the pelvis. You may not even see the pregnancy until it moves into the abdomen. Since you’re bleeding, we’re going to check you in and keep you here until everything goes back to normal. We don’t want you experiencing any unneeded stress or strain. I know you just found out about this, and it must have come as quite a shock, but you need complete rest. When the bleeding stops, we’ll do a cervical assessment. If everything looks all right, then I doubt we’ll need to worry about premature birth.”
Premature birth.
I felt like I was in a bubble, trying to understand what all these words meant: baby, premature birth, intrauterine hematoma, miscarriage… What the doctor had just said hadn’t even registered yet. I was just trying to assimilate what I’d seen on the screen.
“The nurse is going to come ask you a few questions. We’ll also do some blood work, just to rule out any additional complications. The most important thing for now, though, is for that hematoma to go away. I’m going to guess your progesterone is low. We’ll take care of that till you reach the levels you need to hold on to that baby. Sound good?” His tone was weirdly buoyant—I guessed he was trying to calm me down?
But I was in a panic; I was having a legit panic attack. I wanted to take off running, disappear, go back to my life from just a few hours before.
“Doctor…I’m only nineteen. I’m not ready to be a mother.”
He nodded gently. “You weren’t planning on this…I understand,” he said tactfully. “But the baby exists now, and so does the risk you’ll lose it. You’re young, and you’ve got some tough months ahead of you. You’re going to need the support of the people around you. Do you know who the father is?”
The father.
Nicholas Leister was the father of that baby…and he was on the opposite side of the country, with another woman, and had made it utterly clear he didn’t want to be a part of my life.
“I…I know who it is…but I can’t tell you.”
Just then, the nurse came in, and the doctor outlined all the tests that had to be done. Then he smiled and turned away. Once he was gone, the nurse sat close to me and patted the back of my hand.
“You need to relax, honey,” she said as another nurse came in and the two of them went to work on me. “We’re going to put an IV in to administer some vitamins and a sedative so you can rest. When you wake up, you’ll have plenty of good news to look forward to.”
“No, no, I don’t want a sedative. You don’t understand! This shouldn’t have happened. I’m not ready to be a mother. I shouldn’t be a mother, okay? They told me there was almost no way I could get pregnant, that it was basically impossible, and now…”
“And now you’re four months pregnant, honey, and according to your medical history and the state you were in, it’s a miracle.”
A miracle.
I closed my eyes, trying to relax and take it all in. Four months… Fuck. Damn you, Nicholas Leister!
